Between The Raindrops

by K. Pinson

  My mind drifts off to the life that is ahead of me. I try and think of all the things I want to get out of this. I’m trying to adapt to the whole if you dream it and believe it then you can achieve it mentality. But it’s much easier said than done. Do I want a life with Tate? Do I want to see this through or maybe just set a time limit on us, an expiration date and let him down easy? Do I want the whole picket fence and maybe even try for kids? The whole thing makes me shudder.

  I finally drift off and surprisingly, it’s not so hard. I was extremely mentally exhausted after the whole ordeal. I’m sure I’m going to feel that way nearly every day. So I’ve better get used to it.

  Chapter 6

  When I wake up the next day, my whole body aches. I am completely exhausted, mentally and physically. I inch my eyes open and am shocked to find myself back where I had originally started. In Heaven’s bed. I quickly glance beside me, but Tate is nowhere to be found. He must have woken up early and vacated the space. I am thankful that there won’t be any awkwardness in that sense right now. I’m not sure how much more I can take. I get out of bed, make it and then rummage through Heaven’s closet to find something to wear. All of her clothing look extremely uncomfortable. Tight fitting jeans, designer tops with sequins and bright colors. I grunt in frustration and go searching through the drawers instead. I finally found a pair of yoga pants, not my normal style as they read “sexy” on the ass, but they will have to do. I find another drawer filled with simple white and black V-neck tees and quickly toss one on to complete the outfit. I feel much better wearing this than anything my sister had kept in her closet. I throw my long hair into a messy bun, wash my face, brush my teeth and go in search for coffee.

  Upon descending the stairs, I notice Tate at the bottom, staring off into space. He looks mouth-watering as much as I hate to admit it. He’s wearing form fitting black slacks and he has hands down one of the best asses I’ve ever seen. His blond hair is styled with gel to perfection, you can hardly notice the product. It looks soft enough to run your hands through and get lost. He has a pink polo shirt on, it suits him. I’d never thought I’d be even slightly attracted to the preppy look, but damn he makes it easy.

  He suddenly looks up and catches me staring. A predator grin crosses his lips and a sparkle is put instantly into his blue eyes. I continue my path down the stairs and he makes quick easy strides to where I am, I falter. We are mere inches away from each other and the lust that hangs thick in the air is palpable.

  “Baby.” He breathes, “Why’d you leave bed last night?” He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me even closer to where he already is. The air leaves my lungs and my heart begins to race.

  “I...couldn’t sleep...was tossing and turning all night and I didn’t want to wake you.” He accepts my answer easily and places his nose in my hair, inhaling deeply. Shivers run through my body.

  “Don’t do that again. You sleep in my bed with me, nowhere else.” He whispers so faintly against my ear. I pull away so quickly that the back of my legs hit the stairs and I go down hard on my ass. Tate starts to laugh. I blush furiously and give him my evil eye. I can’t really blame him, I would have laughed if the roles were reversed. He offers out at a hand and I take it. He helps me to stand, lightly kisses my cheek and heads for the door.

  “I have to head to the set, babe. I let them know you were going to be taking a few days off and resting, they completely understood. I’ll be back later. We can go grab some dinner if you want so you don’t have to cook?” I nod to him reassuringly and give the best smile I can muster.

  “Love you.” He responds and grabs his car keys that are hanging on the wall. My breath hitches, I can’t say it back. Luckily, he doesn’t notice. He walks out quickly and shuts the door behind him hard.

  I go into the kitchen and am thankful for the coffee being already brewed and ready for me. I take it black. I drink two cups and swallow down a piece of bland toast. I can’t stomach much else today. I walk around the house and check out all of the cabinets, nooks, and crannies. I try to familiarize myself the best that I can. After all of that, I settle down in front of the television and attempt to watch daytime TV, but that has never really been my thing. I need to get out of here for a little while.

  I went over to where I watched Tate grab his car keys and grabbed another pair that were hanging on the key hook. I exited the house through the five car garage and pressed the lock on the key fob so I knew what car matched the keys I held. It was a hot pink ford mustang. Why was I not surprised. I got in and got situated.

  I drive away from the unfamiliar house and out on the open road, hoping to leave the days worries behind. I make way to all of my favorite haunts from back when I was in high school. It seems that every place I go to holds some form of memory with Ryker and all the feelings that I suppressed years ago feel like they are rushing back. I put the car in park and pull up outside of the park where Ryker and I first fell in love.

  I'll never forget it. I was in the eighth grade, pimply faced and all. I was awkward and shy around any one of the male persuasion. I remember standing by my favorite tree, having just stood up, after spending many hours perched underneath reading one of my favorite books. He and his friend were tossing a football back and forth. Ryker thought it would be a good idea to include me in their game, giving me no warning before throwing the ball in my direction. It hit me square in the face and knocked me flat on my ass. Ryker didn’t even try and help me up, he just laughed his head off. I got up, brushed myself off, sauntered to where he stood cracking up and kicked him in the nuts, sending him crying to his knees. I had a black eye. He had bruised balls. And we had the beginning of a love story.

  His troubled expression from the funeral takes place at the forefront of my mind. I feel unshed tears lining my eyes. I want to cry for him, for us.

  Ryker was my first love, my first everything. I thought we would be together forever. But when I got pregnant my senior year of high school, everything changed and I had to turn with the tide just like everyone else does. My parents didn’t support us. They couldn’t stand Ryker. They were sure he was going to turn out a low life like his parents and we would be shacked up in a one bedroom run down trailer just like the one he grew up in. They had zero faith in my decisions then and not much has changed throughout the years. I remember the day I told Ryker I was pregnant and he got down on one knee to ask me to marry him. I said yes with excitement and promise of what our future would hold. Nobody else believed in Ryker, but I did. He was an extremely talented musician, but his true passion lied behind art. He loved to draw and I loved to see the world through his eyes. Everything was always so abstract and unique. He was different than any man I had ever known. When we went to tell my parents, my mother freaked out and my father didn’t step in to help. Heaven beamed from ear to ear at the news. “I’m going to be an aunt!” she proclaimed with her sugary sweet voice, but nobody paid her any attention. That had to be the first time in our entire lives that the focus was solely on me. But it wasn’t the type of attention I had craved from them. Ryker continued to hold my hand even after all the awful things and hate that my mother spewed his way. He took it all and still smiled proudly at me like I was his whole world. He placed a hand gently on my stomach and finally spoke.

  “Whether you support us or not, it doesn’t matter. This is happening and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I’d like you to be involved in our baby’s life. Not for my sake or for Nevaeh’s sake, but for the baby’s sake. But if you choose not to, it will be your loss and that I can promise you. This baby will have so much love from us, it won’t notice a difference.” His voice never shook. He was serious about this and about us. I grinned and looked over to my man, my soon to be husband, I was proud.

  My parents kicked me out that day and my sister stopped speaking to me. Ryker and I moved into a one bedroom trailer and he worked in a factory twelve hours a day, five days a week to provide for us. He dropped out of high school, but insisted
I finish up. I was nearing the end with only four months left, when tragedy struck. I woke up in the middle of the night in the worst pain I’d ever experienced. I flipped on the bed side light and placed my hands on my stomach, which had finally started to show. A wet substance met my finger tips and my cheeks flushed red. I thought I had an accident in the bed, but when I glanced down, my hands were stained red. It was blood. That was the night that I lost our child; miscarried for reasons unexplainable by the doctors. It was just my freak luck or lack thereof.

  Ryker held me while I cried and the hospital staff attempted light hearted comments to try and cheer me up. It didn’t work. I wanted my sister, I wanted my family, but they didn’t come. It was just Ryker and I. He was distraught and tore up, he attempted to put on a brave face for me. But I could see the hurt, I could feel it. I was numb and completely shut myself of. The next month I could hardly get out of bed. I wanted nothing to do with school, nothing to do with Ryker. His hours were still long and he was rarely there. We started fighting and he started drinking, doing drugs and staying out all night. When I confronted him about it, he admitted to fucking other girls and cried in my lap. When he fell asleep, I left. I had no other choice. I went back to my parents and begged them to take me back in. I agreed to all of their stupid stipulations and promised not to see Ryker anymore. He betrayed me and the memory of a baby that never was. He killed me in more ways than one. He tried to contact me, but I ignored him. My father paid him off to keep him away, not wanting to draw any attention to our family with the drama. He actually stayed away. That was the most devastating moment next to losing my child. My family had won. I left in the middle of the night and never turned back. I begged Heaven to go with me, but she refused. She knew that she could have a better life here and how could I blame her for that? The rest was history.

  My stomach growls loudly and snaps me back to reality. I put the car back in drive and head away from memory lane. I need food and fast. One thing I’m not shy about is food. I don’t care about my figure. I work out from time to time, but I indulge in food. It is my guilty pleasure. When you have lived on the streets for so long and have scraped to just get some food in your stomach, I now eat almost anything, I’m far from picky. I pull up at a greasy spoon diner that I have been to many times as a young adult. I go inside and sit into a booth alone. I order a double cheeseburger, cheese fries and a chocolate milkshake. I have no shame.

  Right as I am taking a large bite of my burger, I hear a familiar laugh. I turn around before I can stop myself and see Ryker and a blonde girl I don’t recognize, chatting up the waitress. As much as I want to turn away, hide really, my eyes are drawn to him. It has been like that with us as long as I can remember. He was like a magnet to me. From a distance I felt compelled to him, but when he got too close we repelled in opposite directions. He was fire and I was gasoline; we ignited and destroyed everything in our wake, including ourselves, leaving nothing whole by the time our flame burned out.

  His ice blue eyes catch mine and hold on tight. It’s as if everyone in the room disappeared and we are the only two left. He releases the girl he is holding on to and leaves her side without word. He heads in my direction and it is only then that I broke from the trance I am in. I look around me to try and find an exit or an escape, but there is nothing near enough that I can make a clean break. I sit and wait for my world to implode. There is no worse feeling in the world as loss of control.

  He slides into my booth across from me and eye contact seizes to break. Words seem impossible. There was so much I had in mind that I’d say if I ever saw him again, most of them expletives, but none that I can use as Heaven.

  “Hi.” He mouths, or at least I think he mouths. My hearing is giving out too. I can only hear the screams inside of my mind. I probably look damn well scared. He reaches out his hand and places it gently on my arm, pushing it down. I forgot that I am still holding my burger. I drop it onto my plate. His hand doesn’t leave my arm and heat takes residence where he touches. The screaming subsides and familiarity overtakes me.

  “Hi.”

  He smiles and it is as if everything is the same even though everything has changed.

  “I’ve missed you.” My brain is scattered. Missed me?

  “I know it’s you, Nev.” He continues. My heart skips a beat.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I gulp, trying to force my uneven breaths to calm into a regular pattern. He laughs, actually fucking laughs.

  “You know.” He responds coolly.

  He squeezes my arm and winks. The blonde must have finally noticed his absence and quickly made her way to where we are. She is popping her gum loudly and then she speaks, letting it hang halfway out of her mouth. I don’t like her voice at all. It is purely acidic.

  “Are you going to introduce us, Ry?” she whines. He looks up at her like she burned him, he closes his lids tightly and grits his teeth.

  “No.” And with that he scoots out of the booth and stands up. He pulls out his wallet and places a card on my table.

  “Come to the shop. We have a lot of catching up to do.” His eyes plead with me.

  “That’s not my scene, Ryker. Not to mention, my husband would kill me.”

  “You’re not fooling anyone.” He retorts angrily. “And the only person this game is going to hurt in the end will be you, you’re better than this.” He keeps his voice barely above a whisper.

  The blonde has already left his side, bored with the conversation and seated herself in a couple booths down, pouting.

  “We’re all hurting.” I stand up and throw some money down on the table. “But you’ve damn well lost your mind making a scene like this, in front of your date no less.” I push my way past him and race and race out the door and towards the car. If anyone else in the diner caught wind of a conversation, this is going to end up being tomorrow’s news. It’s like no matter what I do, it won’t be good enough to keep this all under wraps. It’s a fucking full time and much more exhausting than just living your own damn life.

  I unlock the car using my fob and climb in quickly. I start putting my seat belt on when Ryker climbs into the passenger seat. I scowl at him and point towards the door he is now closing.

  “Out.” It seems like my temper lately goes from zero to sixty with little slack. I can’t stand not being in control. I’m out of control of so much right now. The little things, I just want those. Why do all these asinine men think they can control my every move?

  “I just want you to come up to the shop, Nev. I promise I won’t tell anyone your secret.”

  “She’s gone, Ryker. She’s not coming back.” I don’t know how much longer I can say those lying words. It seems so much easier to just be truthful. Especially to someone who already knows the damn truth all on his own accord. It’s kind of flattering that he does. But it also means there are cracks in my facade and I just can’t have that if this is all going to work.

  “Please come.” He is relentless, I’ll give him that. He’s matured from the Ryker that I used to know. But all in good ways.

  “If I say maybe will you get out of the car?”

  “Maybe.” He opens the door and swings both of his legs out. He turns back at me and smiles. “Your move.”

  “Okay, maybe. Now out.”

  He climbs out and smiles at me. No other words are exchanged. He closes his door and walks back towards the diner. I wait until he is out of clear view before banging my head against the steering wheel. How in the hell am I going to do this?

  I race home in my shiny, new car. Ready to end another day of my shiny, new life.

  Chapter 7

  As soon as I am in the house, a sigh of relief escapes me. I sink down to the floor in the entranceway, put my head between my knees and cry every last tear I’ve been holding in. I cry for my sister, I cry for the past, the present, and finally myself. I don’t know how long I sit there, but I do know that Tate finds my broken shell when he comes home from work. He decide
s to sink down beside me, wraps his arms around my waist and draws me against his chest. I cling on for dear life. I need this, someone to care. I am tired of taking care of everyone else’s needs, mentality and physically. I just need for one person to take care of me. If it is all just fake. I’ll force myself to believe that it isn’t. Just this once.

  He picks me up, second time in two days. I am completely pathetic. He takes me up to the bed and lays me down gently. He climbs in beside me and we both lie in silence, just staring at the ceiling. Me crying, him listening. Another hour passes before any words are spoken. All of the tears are dried up. I have nothing left, utterly drained.

  “I’ll order food in. I don’t think you’re in the spirit to go out and I don’t blame you.” I nod my head agreeing and give a weak smile.

  He crawls off the bed and I almost feel upset about the loss. It’s as if I am so desperate for human contact, I will take it as I can get it. Even though I hardly know this man. He is the only one I have now. Mother hasn’t even tried to call me today. I saved their asses and Father’s reputation and that was all they needed; figures. I force myself to leave the bed, where I am dangerously close to becoming a permanent fixture in. I go into the bathroom, lock the door and strip down. I turn the shower on and climb in. The water sprays over my body, as hot as it is, it feels heavenly. I need to feel the pain. I crank the water on as hot as it can possibly go. I put Heaven’s rose scented shampoo in my hands and began to knead my hair into a thick lather. I close my eyes, loving the feel, the scent invading my nostrils.

  I am so deep into my own world that I don’t hear the door open¸ I don’t even notice Tate coming in until he places his hands on my shoulders. My eyes open largely and soap finds its way right into them. I throw my hands up to rub it out in defense and only make it worse. I try to open my eyes directly under the spray, but it doesn’t do much good. After a solid five minutes and Tate grabbing a washcloth for me to also use, they are thoroughly rinsed and not burning so bad. When I can open them, I look at him angrily.