Between The Raindrops

by K. Pinson

  “What the fuck!” I shout, “I thought I locked that.”

  “Calm down, babe.” His hands fall to his sides. “The lock on the door has been broken for a month now.” He speaks softly, almost as if walking on eggshells. I guess I am just as fragile as them right now. He’s probably trying to figure out how in the hell I could forget such a pertinent detail.

  “I forgot.” He looks completely distraught. “It’s been a long day.” Another long fucking day. I’m just not sure if I’ll ever have a short one again. This life is going to be a constant state of acting and I’m sure I can ever get it right.

  “I’m sorry I startled you, babe.” He responds and kisses my forehead. I get dizzy suddenly and make a quick retreat to the back wall of the shower. He follows with a predatory gleam in his eye. He looks me up and down. I attempt to cover my naked body with my hands, completely self-conscious as his body is perfection at its finest. There is not a flaw on the man. I am also afraid he’ll notice the difference. I like burgers, Heaven worked out every day. Big difference there. I am definitely a bit more filled out than she. He licks his lips and lowers them to mine. I just can’t. I know I’m being petty. It’s not as if I’ve never slept with a rando throughout my years. But this, it was all too much, and I feel like Heaven is watching and madder than hell at me for all this.

  “I’m ready to get out.” I murmur and he instantly backs up. I’m glad it’s such an easy exit.

  “Ok, babe. Food’s probably almost here anyway and if I’d started, I wouldn’t have wanted to stop.”

  Goose bumps fill my body even under the hot spray of water. I wait until he gets out, turn the water off and follow suit. He hands me a clean towel. There is one already wrapped around his waist. His naked torso still on display.

  “If you keep looking at me like that I’m taking back what I said.” He winks and turns his back on me to go get dressed. I throw back on the outfit I took off, not wanting to go into the bedroom halfway naked and chance something more happening than what I am ready for. I know deep down that I’ll have to do it eventually and let my guard down or else this ruse is going to crash and burn. Believability is the only card I should be playing.

  By the time I brush my hair and go into the room, Tate is gone. No more than a minute later he calls up the stairs, “Foods here!” My stomach growls.

  “Coming!” I shout back.

  He ordered Chinese food and I gobble it up like it’s my last meal. He stares at me in wonder most of the time while I eat. I attempt to slow down and think back to how Heaven would have ate it, but my mind draws a blank. It has been such a long time since we’ve shared a meal. I don’t even know if she liked Chinese food. My mind begins to panic at that thought. I don’t even know what kind of food she likes.

  “Are you pregnant?” he questions me seriously. My breath hitches.

  “NO!” I look at him like he is nuts. If I am, it’s not yours. Jamison’s face is all I can picture. God, I miss that man.

  “You sure?” He looks at me skeptically and my attention goes back to being focused on him.

  “Can’t a girl just be fucking hungry?” I glare at him. Damn, she must have ate like a rabbit for him to make such a quick assumption.

  “I’ve never heard you say ‘fucking’ before.” His mouth turns up into a grin and a dimple on his left cheek makes an honest appearance. It is mildly adorable. Even I can’t deny that. As much as I’d like to.

  “I like it.” He bites his lip and I can’t help but start laughing then. Like honest to God belly giggles. I set my food on the table and try to force myself to stop, my stomach is starting to hurt. His smile only grows.

  “I think there’s a lot about me that’s going to shock you.” Oh boy, he doesn’t even know.

  “Challenge accepted.” He smirks.

  My heart sinks a little bit at how comfortable I am beginning to feel now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to run and jump in bed with the man. But I can definitely see the qualities that Heaven was into. It makes sense truthfully. But it’s off because I’m not meant to be here. It’s like the butterfly effect. When you change one course in your life that was supposed to be something else, everything falls apart and many others are affected by your one little change. It also feels a little like we’re erasing her completely and I hate that. I don’t have a lot of memories of her stored in my memory bank as is.

  I fake a yawn and use it as an excuse to leave the room. I know it’ll look funny if I sleep anywhere other than in my bed and I’d tried that the first night and it didn’t work anyhow. I tell Tate goodnight and kiss him on the cheek for added effect. I grab the dishes and leftover Chinese, put it away and pile the dishes in the sink. I’ll take care of those in the morning. I’m not going to go on set as long as I can possibly get out of doing it. I am clearly showing that I’m a shitty actress.

  Hell, maybe I’ll take a not so temporary hiatus and try and find something local around here instead. It’s not as if I really need the money. I called the bank earlier before using Heaven’s debit card and her balance certainly isn’t lacking. She, well I, could actually just run away and live off on an island somewhere. It would be easy with all the money she has. I honestly wish this was a real possibility. But I know I could never do that. This charade is just deeming much more impossible than what I originally thought. By the time I’m done just doing the slight task of putting things away, I really am exhausted.

  I head up the stairs, passing a confused Tate as I go. I don’t care to explain anything. I’m just tired, that’s all he needs to know. I crawl into the comfortable king size bed. If nothing else, at least this bed is perfect to sleep on. I close my eyes and count sheep. Nothing seems to help me sleep. It’s crazy how sometimes you can lie in bed for hours, utterly exhausted, and still feel wide awake. It’s like I’m past the point of no return and there’s no going back. I’ll be awake forever at this rate.

  I feel Tate’s warm body climb into bed beside me, he wraps his arms around my waist and draws me into his tone chest. It isn’t like I can just push him away. I am his wife after all.

  “Baby,” he murmurs in my ear. I can feel his breath tickling it and I giggle. “So I guess that means you’re still up?”

  “What gave you that impression? I’m sleep giggling.” I respond quickly. He laughs.

  “Well if you can sleep giggle then you can probably do other tasks in your sleep, too.” I can feel him smiling against my ear.

  “What tasks are you referring to?” Now this oughta be good.

  “The kind where my extremely hard dick goes into your tight pussy.” He replies smoothly.

  Before I can even respond, his hands find their way down the front of my yoga pants. Damn this be the day that I don’t have any panties on underneath. When he cups my mound, I moan out immediately. I can’t help myself. It feels so good. When his finger begins to circle my clit I throw my hands out in front of me even though there is nothing to grab hold of. He uses his other arm to leverage me onto my back and climbs over top of me. I can hardly see him the dark, but I can feel him and he’s rock hard on every single part of his body including the place that counts. He fingers the hem of my tee-shirt and I sit up to help the process along. He easily slips it over my head and my bra off with one flick of his finger. His steady hands rival my shaking ones. I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been. I’m making valid attempts to shut my brain down on thoughts of how all kinds of wrong this really is, but no avail. It’s wrong and I know it. I put my hands on his firm chest and try to push him away. I’m having a hard time breathing at this point. My pants seem to only turn him on more and he grips my yoga pants and nearly rips them off. Leaving me completely naked and exposed while he still has all of his clothes on.

  “Just let me make it feel good, babe.” His deep voice resonates. He begins to trail kisses and licks down the length of my stomach, dipping his tongue into my belly button and then traveling further down to pay special attention to my hip bon
es. I want to say no. I want to stop him and tell him the truth. But words fail me as soon as his mouth latches on to my most private area and milks me for all that I’m worth. I arch my back and allow him every inch of me readily. It’s almost instinct for me to do it. My mind turns off and I see stars when I come. I grip onto the blanket and his tongue doesn’t let up until I beg.

  “Please...oh my...Tate.” I faintly remember whining. He moves back up my body and places a chaste kiss on my lips. I can taste myself on him and it makes me feel fucking sick to my stomach about what I’d just done. With my dead sister’s husband no less. I can’t stop my lurching stomach this time. I push him with all of my might and he gives easily. I lunge out of the bed and run to the bathroom, losing all the contents of my stomach in the toilet. I hear his heavy footsteps race into the bathroom, grab my hair and hold it back until I’m done.

  “Are you really sure you’re not pregnant?” he questions jokingly. I want to punch him in the gnads.

  “Ass.” I retort.

  “I’ll work on getting that tomorrow night.” He responds cockily.

  For someone so refined in public setting, he sure is dirty. Men. I shake my head and he laughs. I flush the toilet, not finding anything funny about how I’m feeling, and brush my teeth. He goes back to bed before I do. I decide to take my chances and go right past the bed and downstairs to sleep back on the couch. He doesn’t say a word to me. I’m sure he thinks I’m just being a typical moody girl. If only he knew that I am going bat shit crazy on the inside and the only person I want to turn, isn’t here. Can’t even know where I am or what I’m doing. I pull the throw blanket across my body and finally fall asleep. Images of Jamison with other girls, having the time of his life, dancing in my mind. Surprisingly, I’m not upset. I hope he’s living his life the way he deserves. I hope he finds someone that flatters him, which is going to be extremely hard to do. In my eyes, he’s perfect.

  Chapter 8

  It has become a nightly routine to order food in, watch TV and talk with Tate every night. I have been sleeping on the couch and waking up in the bed like clockwork. Nothing sexual progresses and I am slowly getting to know him as a person. He is surprisingly easy to like. I can definitely see the appeal. He doesn't push the issue with me, but never fails to cuddle me in the morning before he takes a shower and gets ready for work. I am becoming seemingly okay with it.

  Several weeks have flown by and I still have no word from my parents. Not that I mind too much. Well maybe a bit. It seems like Heaven didn’t even have a friend. I haven’t received one single call or had a visitor since she died. It is like, she was all alone, just like me. It is times like this that I wish we could have been there for each other. That’s what sisters were supposed to do, twins no less. I couldn’t go back in time now though. I am tired of beating myself up for things that I couldn’t change. My dad’s campaign seems to be doing well and that is all that really matters, right? Yeah, even I don’t believe that shit.

  I spend my time sifting through pictures, journals, and anything else I can find that will give me insight into my new life as Heaven. I find wedding photos, prom pictures, and everything in between. I hit gold when I find her diary hidden in a dress bag in the back of her closet. It is the oddest place ever, but I am thankful that curiosity didn’t kill the cat this time. I flip the journal open to page one and the first entry is dated all the way back to right after I had left. The hurt from her touches my soul. She actually missed me.

  Dear Diary,

  Nevaeh has been gone for three weeks now and just as expected, all of Mother and Father’s attention is focused solely on me. They haven’t even tried to find her and nothing kills my spirit worse than that. I’m proud of my sister for standing up for herself and taking the high road. I hope that she’s safe and finally happy. The sad look in her eyes was starting to completely break me down. I’ve never told her as much, but I struggle every day just to get out of bed. I don’t tell anyone about the pain I feel. I hate having so much pressure on my shoulders to be perfect. I’m far from. I just want the courage, like Nevaeh has, to tell the whole world to shove it.

  I miss my sister.

  -Heaven

  The tears flow down my cheeks. I missed my sister, too. I close the journal and tuck it back into her secret hiding place. I want to read more, but not anytime soon. I’m not so sure I could take it. It is too personal.

  I tell Tate to bring the current movie script home that Heaven has been working on. I want to at least give it a try before they find someone else to play the role and replaced her. I know she isn’t coming back, but I feel like it would disgrace her memory if I give up without even trying. I’m not sure, but in my mind I’d like to think she was extremely proud of herself for all of her accomplishments. Not many woman have this kind of success ever in their lifetime. Not even after years of striving for it and working their asses off to try and accomplish it.

  It is hard for me to wrap my mind around her committing suicide. In my eyes, she had it all. But those are the ones that hide the most pain deep within, not wanting to appear ungrateful or anything less than perfect. I wonder what her last thoughts were. I wish she would have sought me out. I would have been there for her. I feel immense guilt that I had no idea what was going on. Our twin bond couldn’t save her this time like it had done when we were kids. Always feeling the same emotion. When she’d cry, I’d cry. But I didn’t feel anything and I still don’t. She’s gone and I’m here. So I guess I have to make the best of it.

  I couldn’t sit around here anymore and wallow. I decide to get in the car and go for a drive. I don’t intend to go see him, but as I finger the card that set in my pocket, I can’t help myself. I’d subconsciously been transferring it every time I changed clothes. For some reason, I couldn’t fathom getting rid of it. It was like a security blanket. One from a very shattered past.

  I pull up outside of a decent sized building. It has a bright neon light out front reading “Ryk,” which has been his nickname for as long as I can remember. It was understated and brief, but I liked it. It suited a business that he would own. I never really thought that he would own his own business. I had faith in him that he would take care of me, us, our family, but I was just as guilty as my family when it came to having faith in his ability to be something more than what his parents were. That was wrong of me on so many levels and probably a huge reason on why we didn’t work out. I am impressed. I park out front and will myself to get out of the car and walk up to the building. The “gone to lunch” sign is in the window, but something in me presses to move forward. I open the door and it is unlocked.

  “Hello? Anybody here?” I call out. The smell of ink invades my nostrils. Such good memories flood back. I have been with Ryker for most of his tattoos. At least the ones I know about. He probably has tons more now. I haven’t gotten a tattoo since I was in high school. Ryker actually took me to get my first. I knew from the moment the needle touched my skin, I was going to be addicted. But I haven’t found another one that meant as much to me as the only one I’ve gotten, so I remain with only one surprisingly.

  I hear laughing coming from the back room. I walk down a narrow hallway, peering inside each tiny station as I go past, but no sign of life. I finally find what I have come here for, all the way at the end of the hall. Last door on the right.

  “Baby stop it.” She giggles, but she doesn’t actually want him to stop. Ryker has the blonde from the restaurant sitting on top of the tattoo chair, legs wrapped around his waist. I’m just glad they are clothed. Ryker is nuzzling her neck, his back to me.

  “You like it.” He replies confidently. I know that I would have if the role was reversed. That is one department that he never slacked. I can’t help, but clear my throat. Not wanting to see this go any farther. Ryker turns around and pushes away from the blonde so quick it makes her head spin. She attempts to grab on to his shirt, but she is too slow.

  “Baby...?” she questions. I actually feel a bit sor
ry for her. It is not cool to be so easily dismissed.

  “Nev.” A one syllable world that makes my stomach fill with butterflies again, just like it had always done in the past.

  “I like the place. I’m proud of you.” And I was, I couldn’t deny that. He deserves to be told.

  “Thanks.” He runs a hand through his messy dark hair nervously.

  “Uhm...Summer...can you give us a minute?” he asks. I can see the hurt flash in her eyes. A small part of me wants to just walk out, but a bigger part needs to talk. I just need someone familiar to be there, if only for a moment.

  “Yeah. No problem.” She replies in an annoyed tone. She shoulders past me as she walks by. She really is a pretty girl.

  “Step into my office.” He states with a playful tone. I walk through the door and look around at the space. It feels like him. It is dark, but comfortable. I walk over to the tattoo table and sit atop. He stares at me like I am a figment of his imagination, ready to disappear at any moment. To be honest, I would be gone soon. It is unfair to him to even be here at all. My selfish human nature is taking over me though and I can’t control wanting to be around someone. It is impulsive.

  He steps near me and I feel the butterflies go crazy. I place my hand on my stomach, subconsciously calming them. He steps between my legs that are dangling off the side of the chair, promptly halting any movement from them. My breathing stills. I put my hands up, pushing a bit against his chest.

  “I can’t. Married.” I flash my all too expensive ring at him.