Love, Life and Naughty Bits

by Tania Cooper

  Zali hides her brains so well sometimes.

  “Umm, how’d you get so wise?”

  “Well I had three glasses during our lunch meeting today. So I’m on fire. Ask me anything.” Yep, wine is an intelligence builder alright.

  Besties are the best for a reason. As the giggles subside, my girl goes into the details of the whole day, then they all decide on a plan my girl should follow. Operation “Kill him with Kindness” takes shape. Which is basically my girl being herself but upping the niceness factor a few sickening notches. I’m not sure she’ll resort to cooking his whole office blueberry and yogurt muffins like she does her own on occasion, but she’ll definitely not let his freeze smother her fire.

  As they order a selection of Tapas for dinner with some wine, they notice a group of five businessmen eyeing them quite obviously. Bar 31 is not usually where the girls pick up, since the class is generally a little to snobby for the girls’ tastes, but hey, if the interest is there, why ignore it? So they throw sly smiles back.

  Two of the men have beards, which results in some … interesting conversation.

  “Seriously, I couldn’t stand the pash rash you’d have on a daily basis, let alone the possibility of swallowing a piece of yesterday’s lunch every time you went in for a kiss. I see the hotness factor of a beard, the rugged caveman look is damn hot, but the constant prickly feeling would be too much for me.”

  I think my girl needs to take her own advice on how to “look outside the box” because that prickly feeling would be sexy as fuck.

  “Oh Lexi, Lexi, Lexi. Think of that pash rash somewhere else. But think of it as more of a hot friction than a sore rash.” Mel sounds like she has experience with such a situation.

  “Pash rash, down there? No thanks!”

  “Friction not rash! Believe me, it’s hot. Don’t knock it till you try it.”

  Oh yeahhhhhh. I wanna try, I wanna try, pleaseeeeeeee. Fuck the pash rash, make a sacrifice for me, girlfriend. Mmm prickly friction, yum. It’d be so much better than the friction from our vibrator; that seriously needs an upgrade by the way. Ooo, suggest a trip to the XXX superstore again, that was hilarious, even though we nearly wet our pants with laughter. Zali’s demonstration of what to do with that three headed contraption will forever be etched into my brain and some new toys would spice things up a little. No? Okay then, but please consider some beard friction, for me.

  “If you took home one of the Mr. Cavemen, you’d be sure to wake up happier in the morning and that’d be a good start for day two of working closely with Mr. Uptight. You’d walk in glowing like you just received the best morning sex of your life and have him wondering all day why you’re in such a good mood. It’s a win, win.”

  Yes! My girl is actually considering it. Oh my God, make me a bearded lady, please.

  “Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”

  “Beards will do that to you. You’re going to love it. Just don’t push up too hard, those prickles can get a bit … tricky sometimes. I can’t wait to hear of the results.” Mel’s vag loves all the dirty little details.

  “Aren’t you going to tell her what happened when …?”

  “Shh. She needs to experience it for herself. And it’s different for everyone. I can’t wait to hear what you think. This is the most excited I have been since you told us about Mel and the guy who couldn’t get off without his cock ring.”

  “Okay, what’re you not telling me, girlies? Is a beard a go or a no?” Please say go, please say go.

  “Oh it is definitely a go! Very much a go, hoe.”

  “Cheeky cat.”

  By now the group of men have made their way over to our girls’ table and are politely buying them drinks. This is a refined place, not a place where the dudes are shouting all the girls shots, but hey, there’s a time and a place for shot shouting and this bar is too refined for that and so are their clientele. But hey, free alcohol is still free alcohol. And after a few more drinks one of the hot bearded cavemen, who surprisingly has tatts like a rock star under his business shirt, turns out to be pretty cool and … well … pretty to look at too.

  After a trip to the ladies, which yes, as all men joke about, can’t be taken alone, safety in numbers when you gossip like bitches behind closed doors, my girl decides to throw Mr. Uptight from her brain, take the plunge and invite Mr. Tattooed Bearded Dragon back to our place for some prickly friction. I’m so freaking excited I’m flooding her panties in appreciation.

  Once our apartment door is closed, he wastes no time and, to begin with, the prickly kisses are a nice sensation. But it doesn’t take long for my girl’s lips to cry out in raw unhappiness as the infamous pash rash takes hold. My girl subtly dodges his lips by moving over to nibble on his ear, which going by his growl, he likes. This gives him a chance to move his bearded lips down my girl’s neck. Ahh, now that’s a nice sensation, sending sparks to our core.

  He’s good with his lips as he slowly travels down, nipping with his teeth as he sensually travels over her collarbone and down between her breasts. When his mouth travels over her nipples and his whiskers graze the sensitive buds, we almost convulse into oblivion. Mmm, why haven’t we tried a beard before? Oh this will not be the last time, I’m sure of it.

  He loves her nails lightly scratching down his back as he reaches the apex of her thighs and takes his time to admire my sexual beauty.

  “Oh yeah, I’m wet and ready for you, handsome.”

  “You smell so freaking hot, kitty cat.”

  “Umm, maybe less talking and more doing, because ‘kitty cat’ don’t do it for me, spiky.”

  “Whatever you say, sugar. Just lie back and enjoy the ride my guy is going to take you on. To the moon we go, babe.”

  “Yeah, still less talking please. You’re interrupting my mojo.”

  Oh, oh, oh, the first feeling of his beard is delicious as he lightly brushes it over our clit. I am sooooo not going to last long. Yey, multiple orgasms tonight! But as he starts to apply more pressure as he digs his tongue into my core, the prickle actually starts to hurt a bit.

  “Ow, ow, okay, lighten up a bit dude. Ow, ow, this is not pleasant anymore.”

  It’s starting to feel like a thousand tiny needles attacking me all at once.

  “Just relax sweetheart, we got you. It will get better soon I promise.”

  “Ow, ow. Needles, needles, jabbing, stabbing. Ow, ow, OW! No more! Get that hairy weapon of mass destruction and pain away from me!”

  Oh come on, girlfriend, I can tell you are not liking it either. Get him off of me, find a way to move him somewhere else. Hey, offer him a blow job, offer him anything just pleaseeeeeeee get him off of me before I bleed to death from all the pricks.

  Oh no! Fuck me! What is that smell? Is that … is that sticky stuff in his beard? What the fuck? A piece of buffalo wing … from yesterday!!!

  Well that was tense, what the hell got into you? Miss Warm Sunshine was within your reach the whole damned day and you sit there acting like a complete tosser. Seriously, I know how you feel about her, I can read you like a bloody book, and yet there you were, blowing more cold air than Antarctica in winter. I mean, seriously dude, what the fuck is up with you? Yes, Miss Queen Bitch messed us up good, but that is no damned reason to go and destroy one possible ray of kindness that isn’t attributed to blatant and overwhelming flirting with airheaded bimbos.

  I just don’t get it mate, what could she, Miss Warm Sunshine, ever have done to deserve it? The pheromones coming off that woman are phenomenal; she is a cracking sheila and here you are acting as if she pissed in your cornflakes. Ahh fuck, you know mate, you’re being a right dickhead at the moment, and that’s coming from me, your dick.

  Sod this, if you’re going to be like that for the next few months or so, you can forget about any help from me. I’m going to stay silent on everything, show Hot Lips that even I am pissed with how you’re acting towards her girl. Oh, you’re looking for a pop, are you, forget it mate, until y
ou buck your ideas up and start treating that woman with some respect, I’m staying limper than a wet sock in winter. See how you like that reaction.

  Right, so you’re pulling down your zip, I told you no matey, I’m not raising a whisker until you treat that girl with some respect. Yeah, your hand feels great, nice and warm around my shaft, but you can forget about it if you think anything more than a tingle in your hand is coming your way. I’m just going to lie here, nice and floppy, like a wet sausage until you, matey boy, decide to act like the man your mother raised you to be.

  “What the hell is wrong with me? I need this, but fuck, I can’t get it up. Why can I offer her nothing more than a sneer and a cold remark?”

  I told you mate, you’re a freaking dickhead. At the moment Miss Queen Bitch is still up in your head, messing with your wiring. Oh come on, don’t go and pick up that poxy photo for crying out loud. Have you gotten rid of nothing of that bitch’s? The jocks, the photos and the bloody teddy that sits on a shelf in your bedroom; what the fuck is the point in saying you want to move on when you can’t move twenty feet here without being reminded of that whore.

  She tore your heart out, hell, she made you so depressed and melancholy that you ended up popping pills for a year just to feel bloody normal. So why in God’s name would you want to keep any of the shit that reminds you of her?

  You know what, sod it, not my problem; until you get your shit together you’re on your own big boy. Let’s see just how well you do flying solo. Great, phone’s going, probably Benji judging by the ringtone, most likely phoning to say sorry for bailing and asking if you’re free for a quick spin to The Dukes for a few ambers.

  “Yeah, hey Benj. No, no mate. Sorry, not tonight, I just got a massive project rolling and I need a clear head, maybe at the weekend, but for at least the next two months mid-week sessions are cancelled, bro.”

  Ha, so there is a brain in that head of yours, any other time you’d have said yes and gone and got plastered again. But, ah, like I said, not my problem, but good on you for keeping your head on straight, maybe there is some hope for you yet.

  

  Up ya get, time for work, nope, no play time. You don’t deserve it, yet. So up you get, I told you yesterday I wasn’t rising for anything, least of all a bit of self-love. Phone’s ringing dickhead, you going to get that?

  “Hello, yeah hey Vivian, how’s it going? Okay yeah, give me twenty minutes and I’ll be there. Tell me, is she already there?”

  Ha! She is, ain’t she, serves you bloody right. Oh you’re pissed now are you, pissed at being proved wrong at her not being good at her job, she’s bloody brilliant and you can’t stand it. Or could it be that you thought you’d be working with a bloke and end up working with the one sheila in the world that actually makes your heart beat faster? So which is it boy, both are as bad as the other.

  

  Oh there she is, the fuck me personal assistant. God she stinks. You need to do one of two things, either get a new PA or learn to freaking file your own shit. But hey, at least you have a good long day of being a dick to make up for it. So what is it going to be today?

  “Okay Alexis, if you want to keep your office, that’s fine, just don’t blame me if you get sore legs from running up and downstairs all day.”

  So that’s how you’re playing it today, well shit, you are being a bigger dickhead than I thought. Oh well, at least I get to play the hardworking gentleman and not act like a complete tosser with Hot Lips.

  

  “Hi Vivian, is Lane in his office yet?”

  “Yes Miss Ryan he is, although he seems in a bit of mood today.”

  “I’m a big girl, Vivian, I can take care of myself, and call me Lex.”

  “Oh of that I have no doubt, Lex, it’s how much a dick Mr. Anderson can be when he puts his mind to it that I’m worried about.”

  “Oh have no fear love, my girl can take care of herself, just wait till you hear us roar, your precious Mr. Uptight won’t know what hit him. Now come on girl, let’s go kick some ass. Mr. Uptight and his gorgeous smelling junk are going to kneel before the Queens of this jungle when we’re done. Ooo gotta be quiet, Uptight is on the phone. Baby steps, girl.”

  Glad I heard that little rant from Hot Lips. This is going to turn out to be an interesting day. I kinda like their spark.

  “Woody, this is just going to cause problems. You told me I would be working with Lex Ryan, I wasn’t expecting some bloody blonde centrefold, no, and I am not saying she can’t do the job. No, I’m not saying it’s because she’s a woman. Well shit, Woody, what do you want me to say, I’m just not happy to be sandbagged like this. Well, guess what, I bloody ain’t. You tell me one thing and I get another, how else do you expect me to react. Yeah, yeah, whatever Woody, thanks for nothing.”

  “If I didn’t know better, Mr. Anderson, I would get the feeling that you weren’t enamoured with the idea of working with me.”

  “You heard that huh?”

  “Damn right my girl heard that, Lane Anderson! You pompous arse, you jumped up sack of elephant crap.”

  This Miss Hot Lips is feisty. Fun times ahead.

  “Yes, unfortunately I did. If you want a new partner on this, take it up with my boss, otherwise we’re stuck with one another. Now, if you need me, I’ll be in my office, you have my direct line.”

  Damn it, Lane, you’re killing me here, why are you being such a prick all the time? She literally just heard every awkward, contentious word you said. Fuck, Hot Lips is going to be pissed.

  “What? No fuck you, no dragging an apology from him? Come on girl, let it rip, I know that hurt a bit so where’s the fiery girl that I know you can be? No, don’t walk away, come on, I haven’t even had a chance to tease the shit out of Mr. Stinky; you have to at least give me that. Come on girl, after my putting up with Captain Porcupine last night, you at least owe me that much.”

  I hate being right, but Hot Lips is still using Mr. Stinky, which I kind of find funny now and it gives me a little bit of hope, despite what my boy’s doing. Strange but true. And I wouldn’t mind being teased by that kitty cat right now.

  “Whatever Lex, just keep the phone close by.”

  Well, that was awkward. I can’t believe you, she was in such a good mood when she got in here. Hell, she probably got laid last night and laid good by the looks of it. But no, there you go, just ripping it all apart as she walks in willing to work with you and make a decent go of this project. Why are you being such a dickhead anyway? She wants you as much as you do her. I know she smells a little like Miss Queen Bitch, but that doesn’t mean she is her. Hell, she’s squirting so many girl pheromones in our direction that we could go swimming, and yet you’re doing everything you can to push her away. When did my boy become such a pussy? And that’s not the good kind, the kind I love to slip deep inside and plough hard.

  But like I said, until you get your head out of your arsehole, I’m staying silent. Zero help from me. You are on your own, Lane. How’s it feel to be all alone, again?

  “Well she’s probably there by now. Let’s have some fun, see if she is all bright and cheery by the end of the day.”

  Hang on, what are you doing?

  “Yeah Lex, can you come up here for a moment, got a design plan I need you to go over quickly. No, I can’t email it down to you, they sent over a solid packet design.”

  Oh you arsehole, that is one hell of a dick move, bro, that’s just plain nasty. Damn she’s fast, flushed and a little out of breath, but fast as hell. What did she do, sprint up those stairs? That’s just nuts, and I should know, I have two of them.

  “Your girl looks more than just flushed. Thinking about it, looking like that, she does have a certain air of vibrant sexuality about her, well, more so than usual.”

  “Damn right my girl does, she’s the hottest chick around here, just take a look at Sally Foot Fungus out there.”

  Well, I’m just going to stay quiet, she’s going to see
just how much of a gentleman I can be, even if Lane is being a complete dickhead at the moment.

  “Really, you’re not talking to me and King Prick there is giving my girl the run around!”

  No, no, don’t say anything, just stay quiet, just stay quiet, show her that you are completely neutral in this war.

  “Lane, what was it I had to rush up here for?”

  “Oh, nothing now, turns out the digital packet was just delayed; you’ll find it in your in-box.”

  You what, you’re playing this game? Come on girl, give it to him, rip his damned head off and stick it up his butt pucker.

  “Fine.”

  What? No! Get back in there and let him have it. Damn it girl, get the hell in there. Bro, that was not nice, what are you playing at? No, do not phone her again, you are just being childish now, this is not the way to be man, your mum did not raise an arsehole.

  “Oh Lex, I’m sorry, I need you to come back up, the company just sent through some proposal revisions and it’d be easier if you were here rather than doing this over the phone.”

  “Oh, ow, ow, this is getting stupid, that’s the second time in twelve minutes he’s dragged us up here, you do realise how much I sting from Captain Porcupine’s tongue bashing. He was good with that tongue, but damn I’m freaking sore and you keep taking the bloody stairs when there is a perfectly good lift.”

  Captain Porcupine? I’m so tempted to ask, but I’m being a gentleman.”

  “Thanks Lex, it seems as if the client is looking for a more … modern twist.”

  Ha, did you or did you not shoot her down over that yesterday, bro. How’s it feel to know you’re wrong for once? Yeah look at her smirk, she knows you’re chafing over being wrong and having to admit it.