Love, Life and Naughty Bits

by Tania Cooper

  “So, they actively asked for a more up to date look to their campaign? Interesting that.” She sure knows how to give it to Lane. This is fun.

  “Yeah, that’s my girl, oh ow, ow, ow, bloody hell that stings.”

  Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, keep quiet, she needs to know we’re a gentleman and not like our boy. How long are they going to keep babbling on about this? I know for a fact that it was only two revisions to their original idea, so unless my boy added some crap, he is making up crap to keep her here.

  “Okay Lex, that about covers it. I’ll call you if there is anything else.”

  What? No thank you? No sorry for dragging you up here again? Can’t you see how pissed off …. Oh, okay, you really are being an arsehole right now, aren’t you? Doing all this just to piss her off, what are you going to do, sip your coffee for a few minutes then call her up here again and hand her a printed out version of the entire segment you just went over?

  “Oh Lex, yeah, can you pop back up, got a few bits you forgot earlier.”

  For crying out loud, you’re really pushing your luck here. You don’t ease off on this crap, she is going to smack you with a freaking laptop! You do know she carries a notebook in her purse right?

  “What is it now, Lane?”

  “Oh fuck, ow, ow, fucking ow. Seriously, haven’t you got something to put on me, come on, do you know how much it stings down here?”

  Now I’m just too curious to stay silent any longer.

  “Okay, I can’t keep quiet anymore. I was trying to stay quiet and be the gentleman since my boy is being a complete dickhead at the moment, but what the hell is up with you? You’ve been wincing and groaning every time he calls your girl up here.”

  “Why do you care, it’s not as if you give a shit.”

  “Well sorry for showing concern here, I was just trying to be nice and show some concern for another. Next time I’ll just stay quiet and not say a damned word.”

  “Yeah, you do that. Besides, what’s the worst a dick like you has to worry about, razor burn?”

  “What the hell has that got to do with it?” What the fuck is she talking about?

  “That has everything to do with it. I had some bear faced moron slathering all over me last night. It was like being tongued by a greasy roll of barbed wire and my girl let her dumbass friends talk her into it. It was awful, he was good with his tongue but that bloody beard was like freaking sandpaper when it got inside.”

  “Uh, hmm, umm. Yeah, I got nothing.”

  Seriously, how am I supposed to respond to that? Only way sandpaper would get near me … well … I don’t think my boy will ever be that drunk. Drunk enough for a three way maybe, but to try and … no, I’m just going to leave that thought alone. Let’s all just be thankful lunch is here, I don’t think I can take the cold in here much more.

  “I thought we would have lunch in the office again, unless you have another idea, Lex.”

  Oh yeah, you’re really enjoying watching her stew, aren’t you mate. I really don’t get this, what has gotten into you?

  “I’m fine with that, Lane.”

  Damn it, even I can feel how pissed off she is. Christ, this is going to be a long few of months if you keep this crap up. Hot Lips is going to get really pissy with me and it’ll be all your bloody fault. I hope you appreciate the situation you’re putting me in here. Sometimes, I really do wish you could hear me.

  

  “Well, not that I’m being picky, but I think Thai food is getting a bit much, especially every day. Is your boy addicted to it or something?”

  “I don’t know, but what I do know is it smells like rotten asparagus on the way out.” Yep, it really does.

  “You’re not kidding. I’m getting to the point where I’m scared when she goes to the loo, and it’s, well … not exactly an enjoyable experience, especially at the moment.”

  “You think a pash rash on your lips is bad, try having a chick get her braces caught on your head. That hurts!”

  I wince at the memory, making my boy jump as I twitch. I can’t help but chuckle as Hot Lips giggles at her girl. The quirk of her girl’s brow making my boy blush slightly. There’s no way in hades she could have known what made him jump, but, well, she could probably make a decent stab after my boy turned into a human shaped tomato because of it.

  “What was your boy doing with someone who needed braces in the first place, do you know the kind of image that conjures up?”

  “Whoa now, he was like eighteen at the time.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Sorry.”

  “No drama.”

  “So, regardless of what happens with our respective people, what do you say to us being friends?” I enjoy this chick’s company and it’s better than talking to myself.

  “Is this some ploy for you to get inside me? I’ve had swingers like you try that move before.”

  “Ha, seriously, the likelihood of that happening at the moment is nil. Do you really think your girl is going to open up to Lane when he is acting like a bigger ball bag than the clackers hanging off King Kong?”

  “True, but then again, my girl is firing off goofy juice faster than the fire brigade during a Code Red bush fire.”

  “So, friends then?”

  “Yeah, don’t see why not. Just avoid the fourth week of the month.”

  My girl’s head is pounding and so am I. She just sat down after being called to Mr. Uptight’s office for like the hundredth time today, and knowing we’re going to be too busy to make our Pilates classes this week, she has been taking the stairs, with no respect to my life threatening condition! Pash rash down here can kill! Well, if you let it get infected that is, and my girl is too clean and tidy to let that happen. But for the love of God, I hope she lets me heal before our next wax appointment. I do not want to have pieces of flesh ripped off me because of that stupid porcupine.

  Alexis starts to pack up for the day, making sure to take all the research she printed out so she can work from home tonight and get a head start on Mr. Uptight. And what was it with him complaining to his boss about Lex turning out to be Alexis and not the man he thought he was working with? My girl played it off well, but she was hurt, deeply hurt. She knows her industry is male dominated, but she has never experienced that kind of prejudice against her before. She should have been angry and stomping around the place, but the hurt smothered all that.

  But instead of retreating in pain, it has hardened her and made her more determined to prove to him she is his equal, hence the overly heavy briefcase our body will have to haul all the way home. Damn, I hope we get a tram instead of walking tonight.

  The elevator ride down is not pleasant; too many lunchtime sushi eaters in a confined space is not an enjoyable experience and someone has to tell Mr. Fake Italian Suit that he should add some deodorant to his morning ritual because we shouldn’t all have to suffer because he prefers au naturel. Can you imagine the type of women he takes back to his place if he loves au naturel? They would have forests growing out of all their covered spots. Eww itchy. No thanks.

  Once off the lift, we head for the front doors and as soon as we place a hand on the handle to push the doors open, we see the creeper, our very own Mr. Stalker. Just as he spots us we turn back to re-enter our building as if we’ve forgotten something. The unease flowing through my girl is unnerving. This may be something we have to seriously address. There is only so much you can blame on coincidence. Maybe we should start a log of how often we see him. Damn, I hope it’s just someone who has recently started working in the same building and just happens to start and finish when we do.

  Not feeling comfortable walking out there on her own tonight, she scans the lobby area for someone she knows and can hopefully walk through the doors with. And as luck would have it, she spots her boss Andre, who is speaking to none other than Mr. Uptight himself. Lane. What type of name is Lane anyway? Wasn’t Lane the name of a famous cowboy who lasted eight s
econds on a bull? Ha, ha. I will call his junk Mr. Eight Seconds from now on. I’m sure that will rouse him up a bit. Oh, that sounded naughty.

  Okay, back to my girl’s safety. She’s standing still, debating whether to go over to them or just chance walking out on her own. When she looks out of the glass fronted wall and still sees Mr. Stalker out there towards the waterfront, she knows it wouldn’t be wise to ignore her intuition. She takes a deep breath and walks over to the two men. Anyway, she shouldn’t feel as if she can’t even approach her own boss.

  “Alexis, how has this clever young man been treating you?”

  Well isn’t that a question with lots of answers. Where shall we start? He’s cold and rude and a downright pain in our freaking arse, who also seems to have a fetish for sweat, going by the amount of times he has had my girly running up and down two floors of our building and enjoying it when she turns up all rosy cheeked and flustered. And then, it seems he has an issue working with a female, that, or it’s just one female he has an issue with. Ow, that kind of hurts just to think it. What is so wrong with us? I may have to have a quiet word with my new friend, Mr. Eight Seconds and see if he can give us an insight into why his Mr. Uptight despises my girl so much, even before they started working together.

  “He’s treating me quite well, Andre. We have some exciting ideas between us and we’re excited to see what the client will think of the end result.”

  “That’s if we don’t throw something at his pretty head for being an arsehole first and storm off the project all together.”

  “Aww don’t be like that. Just give it time, he’ll thaw out eventually I promise. Truth is, apart from the way he reacts to your girl, he’s genuinely a really nice and caring guy. He’ll show it soon.”

  “So tell me, why the fuck’s he so cold towards Alexis? Before they even started working together he was so rude to her. The first time she saw him in the lobby was the first time she had smiled in a long time. Seeing his cute grin and the dimple that formed on the left of his cheek and the kindness that shone through his smiling eyes was like a sunrise for my girl. And for a split second, when their eyes met over the crowd, he seemed just as enamoured with her as she was with him. She was drawn to him like nothing she had experienced before; her feet started walking towards him without her even thinking about it. But as she got closer, that sweet grin on his face started to disappear and was replaced with a blank stare before he turned away altogether, and that’s how it’s been ever since. I want to know why?”

  “Well … that’s complicated and I’m not sure I should be talking about it. It’s Lane’s story after all.”

  “Oh, so you have only recently been attached to him? I mean, if it’s not your story also then, that raises a lot of questions about your man.”

  “Funny fucker; there’s been no attaching anything. I’m as real as he is, but his emotional rollercoaster of a love life is not something either of us likes to dwell on. Well, I don’t dwell at all; he, on the other hand, let’s just say he hasn’t thrown out all the garbage yet.”

  “Ahh I get it, still holding onto those painful mementos. I was surprised when my girl threw out everything that reminded her of her ex. But considering the way that ended, I think a cold firm break was exactly the way to move on from that disaster.”

  “That bad huh. What happened?”

  “Well, let’s just say she will never surprise anyone again with a late night visit. The last thing you want to find is someone in a bed that doesn’t belong there.”

  “The bed or the woman? But seriously, ouch, that’s just cruel.”

  “Yep I don’t think anyone can recover from the view. But seriously, why does he hate us so much?”

  “It’s not that he hates her, it’s that she kind of smells like his ex and to be honest, at certain angles or with certain lighting, she looks a little like her too. But I’m sure that part is just in his head due to the recognition of the scent.”

  “What? So you’re telling me it could be the perfume my girl wears that just so happens to be the same as his ex?”

  “No, it’s not her perfume, it’s just … her. She smells sweet and innocent; like a beautiful sunrise on a warm summer’s day.”

  “Aww, aren’t you the poet. That’s really sweet, in a sickly kind of way, but still sweet.”

  “Yeah, yeah, cheeky girl. But seriously, he associates anyone that is that sweet as being false, someone who may be faking it with a hidden agenda behind their niceness.”

  “Well, you can tell him right now, that’s not my girl. She is genuine. And that goes for all her parts.”

  “It’s exciting for both Wilson and I to see our two best working on a project together. You are a match made in advertising heaven. I cannot wait to see the end result. But watch out Lane, this sweet girl can be a tiger when she needs to be.”

  “So can I, Andre, so this should be interesting.”

  Oh, you do not want to turn her into a tiger, mate. She will eat you alive. It’s a relief when Andre starts to head to the door with my girl walking safely beside him and Lane following close behind, so close that his sexy as fuck aftershave washes over us making my girl shiver and swallow hard. No, we do not need those reactions now, we’re working in such close contact with him. I will stomp those feelings down.

  As the doors open she can still see Mr. Stalker out of the corner of her eye, and his eyes are definitely trained only on her. She sucks in a breath as the realisation that this could become a serious issue finally takes hold and a slight panic takes over her senses.

  “Hey, what’s wrong with your girl? I’m getting some uneasy vibes floating from her scent. Is everything okay?”

  “Umm, we’re not sure. There may be a little situation that’s more serious than we first thought.”

  “Oh damn. You’re not talking about your beard rash again are you? Because hearing about that shit once was more than enough, thank you. My ears couldn’t take anymore.”

  “No it’s not, dickhead. And you don’t even have ears so that’s a moot point.”

  “Oh, but I do have a mouth. Wink, wink. Ha, ha.”

  “Oh God, kill me now if this is what I have to put up with for the next couple of months.”

  They all walk down past a few more buildings before both men need to head in another direction. As the two men are finishing up a topic Alexis chances a quick look towards Mr. Stalker and sure enough, he is still there and looking directly at her. This isn’t good and we still have a fair way to walk home. I suddenly want to grab hold of Mr. Uptight’s junk and make him walk us all the way home.

  “Okay kids, this is my stop. Do either of you have plans for tonight? Maybe you two should grab a drink together and enjoy a relaxing moment before all the crazy starts. But as a boss, I should tell you not to stay out too late now. Enjoy whatever you decide. Night.”

  “Umm, I have somewhere to be so … sorry.”

  Well up yours, snob, we wouldn’t want to share a drink with you even if you were the last hot, sexy, yummy smelling, fertile male left on this planet, even if the whole of existence was resting on us wanting to mate with you. No, not even then, the human race could go to hell. We don’t want in your pants, not now, not ever … okay. I think that covers it all. Let the anger go.

  “I’m not available either. I have work to do.”

  “I wasn’t aware you were still working on another project. I hope it’s not going to interfere with our work.”

  “There’s no other project. I’m going home to work on our project.”

  Yeah! Shove that in your pipe and smoke it buddy! So arrogant. But as my girl takes another quick nervous look in the direction of their building and frowns at the fact that Mr. Stalker is still looking her way, when she turns back to look at Mr. Uptight, his face has softened.

  “Alexis, is everything okay?”

  Brains frozen, gone, short circuited, fallen to the ground. Her name rolling softly from his beautiful lips has tears forming in the back of my gir
l’s eyes and her lip feels as if it’s trembling. She has fantasized and dreamed of her name flowing from those exact lips that are now right in front of her. And the concern in his voice is almost our undoing. The power this man has over us is intoxicating, and having to control that while we work together could possibly be what brings us completely undone, in more ways than one.

  “It’s okay. Umm, I’m okay, I mean. Goodnight Lane.”

  She’s right. We need to move away from him quickly, because for some strange reason, tears are going to fall and we have no way from stopping them. Why do we want him so badly? Why do we want a man that has not treated us with a shred of respect, a man that has pushed us to drink way too much vodka on some very lonely nights? A man that’s too cold for us to even warrant thinking about. So why, after hearing our name in his low husky voice do we now feel a single tear roll down our face? Fuck, the female body is a confusing entity sometimes.

  “Goodnight, kitty cat.”

  Oh, he did not go there. I’m so going to cut him off in his sleep if he repeats that name again. But I have a better idea. Hit him where it really hurts.

  “Night, Mr. Eight Seconds.”

  “What? No way! Who told you that? That’s a lie! I have stamina baby, I can last …”

  And on the tram we hop. Boys. So easy to tease if you know how.

  We were so busy getting away from Mr. Uptight, we forgot about Mr. Stalker for a few minutes, but as we look back towards the other side of the river, we see him moving quickly through the crowd, looking in the direction we were just standing with Lane. This is not good. Not good at all. We need to take this very seriously now.

  My girl’s smart, she knows we have to start writing Mr. Stalker’s habits down and also speak to security for our building. Maybe they can keep an eye on him through the CCTV cameras all over our building. And we need to be careful walking to and from work. In the mornings it’s always busy along Southbank, but at night we don’t want to lead him straight to our front door. We can’t ignore something this serious. For tonight we will just immerse ourselves in work, that will clear the unease of Mr. Stalker, but working on our newest project won’t erase the thoughts of Mr. Uptight. Damn this is going to be a difficult project, in more ways than one.