Love, Life and Naughty Bits

by Tania Cooper

  “I’ve been meaning to ask for a while now. Did you ever hear from Mr. Biggest Arsehole In The World again?”

  Okay, queue the plummeting mood. Our head was in a good place after all the dinner conversation, but now, now I know this night is going to end badly.

  “Apart from a few pleading texts the week following and then a few more wanting to drop off some of the stuff I left at his place, no. And I like it that way.”

  Damn straight we do! I wouldn’t be surprised if karma has him hit by a tram by the end of the year. But that doesn’t stop the feelings of failure that washes over my girly. She wasn’t to blame but somehow feels she wasn’t enough and that is why he strayed. Some men stray because they are bastards, simple as that. And most don’t have a heart, that’s a reason too. Okay, I need to help my girly get out of the funk she is in. Think, think.

  Just as the girls suggest a spa day together I know will pick up my girl’s feelings, she spots him, the cause of all her recent angst; Mr. Uptight himself. His head is buried in his phone as he walks straight past us and towards the entrance of the Eureka Towers penthouse apartments. Yep, we should’ve known he was a penthouse man. That has Alexis falling deeper into her funk.

  No. I won’t let that happen. I concentrate on all the yummy male smells in this place and create enough pheromones in her body to have all the male species within a ten kilometre radius come running. Her cheeks redden and her heartbeat picks up. Then the brain chemicals play along too until she is practically panting. Here we go, this is what we need.

  “Ladies, find me a hot man stat! And preferably one that’s clean shaven. My adventures with a beard are over!”

  Woohoo! That’s my girl. Zali and Mel just stare at each other, not used to Lexi being so up front, but they soon catch on and start scanning the place for dicks. My girl has so many mixed feelings running through her that I’m thinking maybe tonight isn’t the night for a hook up, but when a certain hotty sitting at the bar gives her a slightly shy smile, she makes her decision. Zali invites him and his friends over to join our table.

  After an hour of drinking and laughing, the shy smiler whispers something not so shy in Alexis’s ear.

  “I would love to wake up next to you tomorrow morning.”

  I didn’t say it was original, but with his shy smile still in place, he’s pretty damn irresistible and maybe just what my girly needs after all. He suggests his place, which he says is just a ten minute cab ride away, but as always she declines, opting for the safety of her own apartment. He pays for the whole table’s drinks, eager to get my girl out of there.

  They make it to the corner of the building before he pushes her softly up against the wall, capturing her lips in a soft, eager kiss. He may look shy, but his lips speak another story. His tongue demands entry which she doesn’t deny as she lets hers join in a sensual dance of flesh. But as the kiss intensifies, her mind wanders to the man in the tall building above her. What would his kisses be like? Would they be soft, or demanding and hard?

  No, girl. We have yummy man candy attached to our lips, we’re so not thinking about that iceberg at this moment. She lets her mind get lost in the kiss completely, until both pull away panting. She pulls on his hand and guides him to the tram that will take them to her apartment. He places one arm around her waist as they swing side to side in the busy tram, his thumb rubbing circles on her flesh, setting her alight. It’s the little touches my girl loves.

  As soon as the door closes to her apartment, they don’t waste any time. Shoes are kicked off, clothes are flying everywhere, as they stumble down the hallway to her bedroom. There’s no time to turn a light on as they fall to her bed in a jumble of limbs and sweaty flesh. He’s tender and attentive, worshiping every part of her body; his words are hot but not crude and has her heart beating against her chest in no time.

  It has been a long time since we felt like this, so utterly and absolutely turned on before we even get down to the good staff.

  “So, what should I call you, sweet thing?”

  “Oh as long as you keep making us feel this way, you can call me anything you like.”

  “Okay, kitty cat.”

  “Except that. That will have my claws coming out if you repeat those words again.”

  “Okay, sweet thing it is. Mmm, I can’t wait to sink into you. Damn you smell fine and I can hear how wet you are by the way my man’s fingers are teasing your girl. Oh yeah, full mast here we come. Get ready, I’ve been told I’m quite large.”

  “Oh God yes, I’m ready stud, I’m ready.”

  After paying attention to both her nipples he slowly moves down, raining little kisses all over her stomach. So sweet and gentle. I tend to prefer hard and fast and confident, but this is nice, this I could get used to. The first flick of his tongue on my bud has us skyrocketing off the bed. With his fingers and tongue working in tandem, it’s not long before the rush of ecstasy hits us and we explode around his moving flesh.

  It takes me a moment to come back to earth after that fast climax and another moment after that to realise what is coming for me. Oh no! No, no, no. He said he was huge, but damn, I’m having trouble seeing it.

  “Hey dude! Your man needs to google ‘manscaping’ because I feel like I’m about to get lost in your wilderness.”

  “Aww don’t be like that. Believe me, I’m big enough to find amongst all this, and when you do, I will rock your world, sweet thing, I promise.”

  Oh damn, here we go. It’s like a bloody horror movie, where you can’t see what’s coming for you. Is that it? Oh God I can feel it but still have no visual. Oh there it is, I think? Oh I can feel it now, it’s coming out of the forest, it’s … it’s … it’s bringing the damn forest with it! You have got to be kidding me. No, no, it’s too much. Eww I’m choking, I’m choking. Someone perform the Heimlich manoeuvre, I’m choking on pubes. Yuck!!!

  “Woody, yeah, Lex is a damned workhorse, between me and you she’s putting me to shame.”

  Too right she is, you suck right now bro; you suck harder than a whore sucking a golf ball up a garden hose. You’ve let your work slip far too much, it’s been beer, vodka, tequila and playtime with floozies, too damned much and not enough knuckling down with the files. Hell, you’ve got a half dozen project proposals just sitting in your filing cabinets.

  “Ha bloody ha Woody. Yeah, you hire her, I doubt her boss would enjoy that much, then again, if you did, hell, I’d just pop down and take her spot with the other team. Right, I gotta go, I’m almost home and I’m dying for a leak. Bye mate.”

  Oh come on dude, like hell would you do that. For starters, you’d miss the attention you get from those sheilas in the copy department. I’m surprised they haven’t pinned you in your office and sucked the marrow from your bones. Okay, let’s get into that lift and get home; I need to drain the bank, mate, and to be blunt¸ it’s making my balls ache.

  

  Finally! Close that damned door and get me to the loo. Well, we could wait, but I know for a fact you hate wet jocks and pants. Oh God yes, that feels good, damn that warm feeling in my sack feels awesome. I love that. I know you enjoy that odd feeling you get in the soles of your feet, mate. Why did you wait for so damned long? Oh fuck, phone’s ringing, uh, screw it, let it ring off, we’ve got an answering machine so stuff it, this feels too good and if you cut me off mid flow I’m going to make you piss the bed, count on it.

  Yep, that’s it, shake twice and dab once, don’t want dew drops in your jocks. Oh good, we’re just gonna wander round in socks and shirt? Yeah, I love hanging free and easy. Swing, swing, slap, slap, this is the way a penis claps. Just for the love of God, do not do star jumps in the nude again, I head butted my sack last time and it freaking hurt.

  Are we going to slip into a pair of silkies or we going full naturist tonight? Because unless you’re putting on the heater for a bit, I may uh, shrivel up a little, it’s not exactly warm tonight. Well? Oh you’re checking the answering machine and stripping dow
n, okay. You closed the blinds this time?

  No, no you haven’t, you cheeky bastard.

  “Lane, you lazy fucker, you coming out tonight? Me and Booker are down at The Dukes, plenty of pussy on the prowl tonight mate, you going to get your arse down here? Give me a call bro.”

  And delete, good man, naked or not we need to get some work done and this weekend is going to be nothing but work, eat and sleep. I know we need to get a good shag on, but man, you’ve gotten lazy in the work department. Now, whoa, I’m on the up and up, what’s gotten into you tonight? I haven’t risen this fast since you were on that eighteen to thirties tour in Spain. That lap dancing club was awesome. Expensive, but awesome.

  Hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa, you’re ignoring me? Here I am sticking out like a tree trunk and you’re ignoring me. You really are intent on work, aren’t you? Okay, so I’m just going to hang here and stick out, praying I don’t clip the door frame on my back swing. Seriously though, where has this sudden need to work harder come from? I wonder, could it be that little Miss Warm Sunshine, or Alexis as we know she should be called. Has she finally cracked the icy shell that Miss Queen Bitch made crust over your heart? She has, hasn’t she. That smile at work, that wasn’t from pleasing the clients and positive reviews, it was from working with her and being content with your lot for the first time in years. She really has chipped her way into that shrivelled ball you used to call your heart.

  Okay then, coffee pot is brewing; we’ve got chicken cooking on the stove top and brown rice simmering slowly, so let get down to it, let’s show our little ice melter what we can do.

  

  “Righty o, that’s file six of eighteen done, now I need to check on the purchase orders for the next half of the project. It seems there is a small error in the finances for that half, might just have been a clerical issue, but I need to have Felix look it over, just to be safe.”

  Huh. That was something I have never seen you do, actually follow through with clerical errors. You really are pushing for gold this time out, aren’t you? Oh, more coffee and back to work. Do you mind if we swing by the loo first, I’m fit to burst here.

  

  Well that was the most productive Friday night in the history of Friday nights. Usually by the time midnight rolls around we’re sitting in a booth somewhere with a drunk chick in our lap and our tongue down her throat, but, here we are, sitting in a bathrobe on our sofa watching old reruns of crap TV while sipping at another cup of coffee. So that was what? The Waterman contract, the final parts of the first half of the new package you and Alexis are drawing up, and a new contract from the city confirmed and notated?

  What have you done with Lane and why am I now attached to you?

  

  Ugh, I have such an awful taste in my mouth, why do I have an awful taste in my mouth? Oh right, the coffee, always makes everything taste like burnt dust and hot dirt. Are we getting anything close to dressed today mate, or is this a boxers or birthday suit day again? I don’t mind the hanging easy modes, just put a towel on that sofa first, my nuts always get stuck to the stitching and it freaking hurts like a bitch when you get up quick. But first, we eat.

  I’m really feeling like a full English today, you know, bacon, sausages, eggs, all the good stuff. Washed down with some orange juice and a decent green tea, not coffee and porridge again, it’s getting a bit much to be honest. Saturdays are always good for a full English, make a medium late start, sit down and munch on that with some mindless TV before we hit the work stack again.

  Oh come on, no, not the porridge and coffee again! Damn you Lane Anderson, I’m going to be pissing dust and dirt for a week at this rate. Just tell me we’re hitting the bars Sunday at the very least; just do me that one solid. Hang on, it’s nine a.m. on a Saturday and the phone’s ringing? Check the caller id first before answering.

  Ah, it’s only Benji. What the bloody hell does he want this early? Are we answering this or sending it to the answering machine again?

  “Laneway you freaky fucker, where the hell have you been the past week? I dropped you a message last night and heard nothing back. Come on man, get back to me asap, we have a massive party lined up for tonight, mate.”

  Well that answers that, answering machine it is.

  “Sorry mate.”

  Wow, another message from the boys deleted, this is a new horizon for my boy, I’m quite enjoying this new you, the cold air around my balls is a bit of a pain, but the work ethic is a good change.

  So are you going to break out your old graphics degree or are you going to wimp out again? You do remember the days when we used to sit there at that old desk of yours and draft out posters and flyers for the packets we were working on; that used to impress a lot of the clients, why did you stop that?

  Oh that’s right, Miss Queen Bitch thought it wasn’t right for a corporate man to sit there and draw silly cartoons and gimmicks. That bitch has a lot of shit to answer for when you think about it. I really wish you had dumped her when you had the chance, rather than going as far as you did.

  Talking of going as far as you did, why did you stay with her? She was cold, calculating, lazy as hell and greedy. Shit, she even nicked food off your plate more than once; literally straight off your plate and you just sat there and let her do it. What were you thinking, bro? Okay, now you’re standing there and staring at her photo again, what is going through your head, seriously bro?

  “I was in love.”

  Hang on, did you just answer me? Did you just reply to something I asked?

  “Only answer I’ve got for everything you did to me you selfish bitch, I spent three years of my life with you.”

  Goddamn it, you’re just talking to yourself again ain’t ya? Shit, I honestly thought you could hear me, you really need to work on how you talk when you’re alone; or better yet, just don’t talk to yourself. It is the first sign of madness you know.

  “Fuck you.”

  Okay, now this really is creepy. I know you’re swearing at her and judging by the way you launched that picture across the room, you really are in a bad frame of mind. I think we need to settle you down a bit. How about this, some nice endorphins to get your heart rate down and some warmth going. Hmm, hey big brain! Any chance of you conjuring up some images of Lex, in say, some French panties and a pair of heels?

  There we go, that’s got your mind going to other places. Okay, now my turn to move this on, get the blood pumping and here we go, now that’s got your mind off that bitch and well into other areas. Yeah, I know what I said a while back, but I’m not letting my boy get all stressy over that slag.

  Good man, get a nice firm grip, ease up, not that firm, you’re making it hard to keep it solid. That’s better, my head was starting to hurt with how hard you had me there. Nice long strokes mate, keep it sweet and languid; big brain keep those lovely images coming, our boy is deep into this, throw some kinky dancing into the mix, the sway of her hips and some lace undies.

  Okay now, a little faster bro, keep your grip light, maybe a little liquid silk would help the situation. That’s my boy, just a little pea sized drop. Now that’s a good feeling, oh yeah, rub my head, I can feel my balls crinkling, damn this is good. Big brain kick this up a notch, throw in some tongue work, get her licking anywhere he wants just get him going over the top.

  Oh damn, that’s it, right there, yeah, here I go.

  “Oh Goddamn, Lex, suck me, girl. Yes!”

  Oh, damn that was heavy, I almost drowned there. When was the last time you sweated during a long wank, bro? That’s right, you can’t remember, and why can’t you remember, because you’ve never enjoyed it this much. It has been a heck of a long time since anyone cracked your shell enough to fill your head with kinky fantasies.

  Okay, back to work, after we clean up obviously, but back to work.

  

  Now this looks good, this looks very, very good. Some of your best designs, mate, have to say Alexis has brought
out your better attributes and she’s done it bloody quickly. I have to tell Hot Lips about this when I next see her. Now get the other few done and we can grab something to eat, you have to be hungry after this morning.

  

  Phone’s ringing again, what time is it now, six thirty? That has to be Booker or Benji again, you need to answer them or you’re going to have one of the wonder twins banging on the door and demanding to know why you’re ducking them. Do you really think they’re going to like the fact you’re avoiding them so you can, as they’ll put, score brownie points with your boss and the new piece of arse that has taken residence in your office?

  I know they’re your best friends, but Jesus Christ are they dull sometimes and I don’t mean boring. Both are bright in their own fields obviously, but their mentality are like eight year olds on a constant sugar rush. They only ever want to know one thing when you get together, who you last dipped your wick in and how hot they were on the, as they put it, ‘Banging Booty Scale.’ I get more intelligent conversation out of their junk than you do the blokes themselves.

  So, I want to know one thing: Why do you still hang around with them? They’re not the greatest or wisest of company? And all their junk chats on about is pussy and how badly their balls sweat at work and like I said earlier, mate, their conversation is a damned sight more intelligent than Benji’s and Booker’s.

  Ah screw it, they pick some good lays and always buy the next round in, a bit of idiocy can be put up with when it comes to a good shag and a great beer.

  Then again, you’ve got Hot Lips and Alexis worming their way into our hearts and minds, so, are we really going on the hunt tonight? Piss up, yes. One night lay … somehow I don’t see that in our immediate future. Well not for us at least anyway. Benji and Booker on the other hand … well … they’d shag a sheep if you put a mini skirt and lipstick on it.

  

  Phone’s ringing Lane, sixth time today mind you, and this time, judging by the ID it’s Booker not Benji.

  “Laneway, you unsociable bastard, what the hell have you been doing the past few days. Benji has called you at least half a dozen times. You ducking us or what?”