Love, Life and Naughty Bits

by Tania Cooper

  “Let’s get some coffee down his neck and then see where we are.”

  “Hey boys.”

  “Hey, man.”

  “Hey bro, everything okay?”

  “No, everything ain’t okay, it’s all on its head at the moment, Lane is fading fast. I don’t think he’s going to be ‘okay’ for a very long time.”

  “Well what the hell has happened? Last we knew, you and your boy were doing the horizontal tango all over your boy’s office.”

  “Everything was going perfect, me and Hot Lips, together virtually every day, Lane and Lexi, falling head over heels for each other. All was looking rosy, then, well, I don’t know. Lexi just dropped right out of the race. She’s putting up more walls than an Irish brickie. Hot Lips hasn’t had a single clue as to what is going on. It’s just silent. Lane went in yesterday with the intention of making it clear to Lexi how he felt, what she means to him and where his heart is in all of that, but well, it just went to shit so quick that none of us could find the floor let alone the door.”

  “So what did Lexi tell Lane then? Did she say she didn’t feel the same or something?”

  “No, she didn’t even give Lane the chance; she just ripped the carpet out from under us and then, well, here we are with my boy so many sheets into the wind that we could open our own bedding store.”

  “Yeah I get the idea, well our boys should be able to pick him up. Here’s to hoping that Lane can piece this together, or that Lexi can get her act together and see Lane for who he is, but I guess he has muddied the issue with the constant office sex so she could have gotten the wrong idea. But, yeah, this ain’t good for anyone.”

  “No, it certainly ain’t.”

  

  “Damn, hang on. Oh fuck.”

  Lovely, nice start to the morning bro, when was the last time you spouted some stomach chutney after a heavy night? It’s got to be at least a few years. Yeah, a few years at least, and I know your boys ain’t going to clean that up for you; at least there was a bag in the bin by your bed.

  “Morning Laneway, feel any better than last night? I’m going to say no, but then you really weren’t making much sense other than the fact you were crying over everything being ‘fucked’ and you said that a lot. So what the hell happened?”

  “Do we have to do this as soon as I wake up?”

  “Mate, when you ring me in the middle of the bloody night, drunk as a skunk and babbling about everything being messed up by saying and I quote, ‘fucked, all fucked, tried to say. I tried to say,’ it kinda gets your mates’ attention and has both me and Bookend bouncing over here faster than a Roo on coke.”

  “Fair point, I guess I did hit most of the alarm bells pretty hard. Sorry.”

  “Don’t be, it’s what your bros are for. Besides, you’d do the same for us.”

  “True, but still, can I at least get some water in me or something before you go all Gestapo and start in with the third degree interrogation?”

  “I suppose that’s a fair request.”

  I hope the boys can get Lane back on his feet. He’s fallen hard and fast and not in the good way when he fell for Lexi. No, this, this was like he fell from a plane strapped to an anvil, nothing but the grace of God could stop him from hitting the floor and nothing did. Damn it Lexi, why couldn’t you have waited, we only needed a few minutes, a few bloody minutes longer and all this would be totally different. I’d be here waking up next to my girl instead of my boy’s disappointed best friends and waste paper bin full of puke.

  There really are points where I wish I had the power to go back in time, and others, well, those points I just wished I could cease to exist. Although lately I just want to stop this world and get off. Nothing has made a lot of sense in a long time, my boy included.

  Lane shifts lazily, his movements lacking any cohesive motivation as Benji stands there, a wry smirk on his features as Lane tosses the covers aside.

  “Why am I still dressed?”

  “Because I ain’t your fucking butler that’s why. Do you think me and Booker are going to strip your drunk arse down and then put you to bed? Fuck off.”

  “Fair enough, I didn’t realise I was that bad last night.”

  “Mate, you necked three bottles of tequila in the space of three hours, I’m surprised you’re not dead and I ain’t talking the mini personal bottles you get off the planes or in gift sets; I’m talking those big buggers you pick up from Cellarbrations. I’m seriously surprised you are standing right now.”

  “Well I wasn’t until you pulled my bloody curtains open.”

  “Yeah well, I owed you one for scaring the shit out of me. I love you bro, but never fucking do this to yourself again. I saw what happened when that bitch fucked you over, and now here you are drinking yourself to oblivion over what? Another chick who is by all accounts just trying to get her head straight after you fucked, literally, fucked her senseless.”

  “What?”

  “I dragged some of the details out of you last night, all of this, all of it, is basically your bloody fault. I told you to be straight with her, I told you not to fuck about and just tell her. And yet, what do you do? You go and spend the next week shagging her everywhere you can think of. I’m surprised you didn’t have a photocopy of you sliding in and out her muff. You missed your chance, not by an inch but by a fucking mile. You have got some serious ground to make up Lane, and you ain’t going to do it by sitting about getting shit faced.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “Too bloody right you know. Now me and Bookend are going to bounce. You get the three S’s done and meet up at mine; we’re going out for some decent tucker and a laugh, you need it.”

  “Yes Dad.”

  “Ha bloody ha, don’t be a prick.”

  “Hang on, what time is it?”

  “A little after three p.m.”

  “Fuck, I slept that long.”

  “Yeah you did. I was toying with the idea of getting Booker to tell you it was December third or something, but that just seemed a bit too cruel, all things considered.”

  So you’re being hauled off for a meal with the boys. A couple of bevvies and a good blabber should set you straight, although I don’t think the drinks will do you any favours, hey, captain puke bucket. There’s a fine line between a good, relaxing drink and a chill down, and the raging piss up you are continually set on. I’m really beginning to doubt your mental integrity, Lane.

  

  Well we may just have a decent night of it, decent grub here and a nice scent from the eye candy floating around. So, we’ll see. Oh for fuck sakes, no, no, no, put the fucking tequila down Lane, put it the fuck down. Do you hear me? I’m already fucking scorched from spouting out battery acid this morning.

  “Oh no, no way boyo, you are not going down on that worm again. Tequila is not your friend bro, beer or nothing tonight; you are cut off from spirits.”

  “Well shit, why not just cut off my cock and balls while you’re at it. I seem to be the only one around here that isn’t in on the plan to control and fuck over my life, so go on, have at it.”

  “Lane, sit down you dickhead. We’re not controlling or fucking up anything and I sure as shit ain’t fondling your rod and sack; we just don’t want to see a repeat of what happened with Miss Queen Bitch, her and Dave. You went through the floor and kept on going. Are you surprised by how cautious we’re being?”

  “No, it’s just fucking stupid, I’m a grown man, I don’t need a nursemaid.”

  “None of us are saying you do, now, shut up about it, have a drink, and let’s gets some grub going. We’re here to have a chill out not a barny.”

  “Yeah, you’re right, sorry.”

  “No worries. Now shall I call her over?”

  “Yeah go on.”

  Here we go.

  “Hey saucy, how’s your girl doing?”

  “Knackered but horny, why, your boy looking?”

  “Nah, I’m just being friendly. My boy’s no
t in the best place at the moment. Any chance you could get your girl to perk him up with a bit of flirting or something?”

  “I don’t see why not, sexy, would rather get more acquainted with you, but hey, if your boy ain’t ‘up’ for it then I guess I can at least be nice.”

  “Thanks, babes.”

  “No problem, handsome. What about your friends here, they up for a bit of pickle tickle?”

  “Henry, the nice lady has a question for you.”

  “Sorry love, what, I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “I said do you fancy a quick one with me and my girl later? I’m sure I can get her to slip her number with the bill, she’s not fussy.”

  “Sure why not, you smell a little spicy, just how I like it.”

  “Well then, that’s good to know. I’ve been told I have a bit of a sharp bite at times. See ya later, fellas.”

  “Later sweetie, oh and thanks.”

  “No worries huni, just remember to slip my girl a big tip, and I’ll be back for your friends later.”

  If her girl can perk him up, the tip will be worth it.

  “Well Henry, that was a turn out for the books, nice one. Show that sheila a good time, okay, and don’t let Bookend get freaky. She seems like a chatty one, especially her slick spot.”

  “Yeah I picked that up from her. She’s a bit ‘too’ friendly, gave me a weird vibe.”

  “Sorry mate, what was that? It’s kinda hard to hear you with a mouth full of metal.”

  “Oh shut up.”

  “Come again?”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Okay, now that I heard.”

  “Man, stop winding him up. Ain’t his fault that Benji decided to jam a lump of tin in his japs eye, is it?”

  “No it ain’t, but hey, it’s the most fun I’ve had in a few days. It’s been frantic and fun but … well … lacking bite for a lack of a better word.” I love having fun with my dudes.

  “That piercing sure as shit didn’t lack bite.”

  “I bet not bro, so … uh … can I ask …”

  “What did it feel like?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Remember when our boys were tots and teething, and we could feel the bloody things pushing through their gums?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, take that sensation and transfer that to your head, then you’re pretty much on the money.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Yup, that ain’t the worst of it though. The worst part is the salt baths and disinfectant, those sting like a yeast infection bathed in hot sauce.”

  “So … just wondering, why did Benji get that done in the first place?”

  “Well, according to some crackpot message board and blog site he reads, it aids in sensation and enjoyment during sex, but take it from me, this thing is just distracting. It tugs at my face, aches like fuck when I’m slipping through the pink, and just generally gets in the damned way. I haven’t had a decent shag in ages thanks to this bloody thing.”

  Why go through all that pain then? Men, so stupid sometimes.

  “I’m seriously loving my new piercing, boys. Damn the sex has been great since I got it; it makes everything sharper. I feel every movement she makes, every time she even quivers. It’s fantastic.”

  “Bro, I’m trying to eat here, I don’t want to hear about your pierced prick, although judging by the way our waitress is looking at us, she wouldn’t say no to you slipping your pierced dong into her velvet handbag.” Velvet handbag? Ha ha, good one, Lane.

  “Nah Lane, she’s giving you the goo goo eyes. I think she’s after you.”

  “Well she’s out of luck there lads, although Booker, by all means go in and take her off my hands.”

  “I might just do that, bro, she’s pretty cute, but then again, she does look a little feral; although I don’t think that’s a bad thing in a one-time shag partner; a little freaky deaky always makes things more … interesting.”

  “You really are an odd dude Bookend, but I love you bro.”

  “Not going to propose to me now are you?”

  “The burger maybe, but no Bookend, not you.”

  As the evening wears on I can feel my boy starting to loosen up, the alcohol in his system brushing aside the brooding pain that is slowly eating away at his heart and soul. The pain of possibly loosing Lexi and my pain that still spears through me at the thought of losing Hot Lips, all of which boils back on Lane just making him feel all the worse. I just hope his boys can pull his head out his arse and push him onwards into everything he needs to do.

  “So dude, you going to dip your head? It seems as if that bit from earlier was more interested in you than any of us.”

  “No bro I ain’t. My heart belongs to Hot Lips and only Hot Lips; no other velvet handbag is slipping around me while there is still a chance we can be together.”

  “You really do love her, don’t you, man.”

  “Yeah, I really do, she is the most wonderful person I have ever met.”

  “Okay, who are you and what have you done with my bro?”

  “I’m sorry, what was that?”

  “Oh fuck off.”

  “Love you too.”

  “Well boys, you ready to make a move, although by the looks of Laneway I think a cab would be a better bet than walking anywhere.”

  Oh damn bro, I take my eyes off you for a few minutes to have a conversation with my boys and look at you, so drunk you can barely speak let alone do anything else. Oh shit no, don’t try and pick up that waitress, bro, no, just stop.

  “Hey there … uh, you … uh you …”

  “Me what, sweetie?”

  “You, me, bed uh … bed … sexy fun …”

  “Well as entertaining as that sounds sweetie, I don’t think you would be up to the task.”

  Lane, chill bro, you’re drunk. We ain’t got the coordination now to even raise a semi let alone slip into her love glove, which I wouldn’t let you do anyway.

  “You bed, me call cab. You boys okay to look after your fella here?”

  “Yeah we’ve got him hun, although I wouldn’t say no to your number, if it’s on offer.”

  “Well, it may just be.”

  “Well good, and I may just give you a call if you make it so.”

  “Call, you, I’ll … uh … sexy … fun … sex.”

  “Whatever you say darling, whatever you say.”

  “Come on Lane, let’s get you home.”

  “Ruined, I’m ruined … sex fun, waitress sex … all ruined.”

  “Taxi.”

  “No, no taxi, sexy fun, with … uh …”

  “Louise, her name was Louise and the last thing you’re having is sexy fun with anyone, so come on Romeo, I’m putting you to bed and tomorrow we’re getting Lexi back for you.”

  Well this is confusing. Who’s doing what and where are we doing it?

  “From the looks of things, Booker is going to be shagging the waitress, Lane is going to be put to bed by Benji, and we, well, we’re just hanging here trying to maintain some semblance of sanity as you watch your boy nurse a hangover in the morning.”

  “Well okay then. I guess I’ll see you all in the morning. Later ladies.”

  “Night, dude.”

  “Night bro.”

  

  Well last night sucked donkey balls; Lane, I’m officially declaring you T-total, you are banned from drinking again, ever, do you hear me? Not another drop from henceforth. The choices you decide on, paths you take and moves you try to make, are beyond ridiculous; fuck, you are one awkward drunk.

  Look at you now, you’ve gone from sitting in a cab propped up by your two mates on the verge of puking your lungs up to sober, for what? A few blurred memories and lost moments of pain all drowned in a wave of inadequacy, but hey, at least you got blitzed out of your skull.

  Come on dude, hold it in, at least get out of bed before chucking your lungs out the window. Oh Lane, bro, damn it, in the same bin as well. Shit, that thing is
going to smell worse than a McDonalds dumpster if you keep doing that.

  You know what, no; this is the end of it. Starting now you are changed, see this face, see the one you’re aiming at the damned toilet bowl, yeah, this is my serious face. Oi, let me talk first, damn it, are you trying to drown me? Ah fuck it all, fine. Done? Good! Don’t forget to shake the dew from my tip, now where was I? Ah yeah, enough is enough! The drink, the partying, the nights with the boys so lost in a tidal wave of booze that you barely remember your pin code for the door, all of it stops, even your bros are not impressed with your shit any more.

  Lexi deserves better, bro. You know it.

  “God Lexi, I’m so damned sorry. You deserve better than this, you deserve everything and I know that with me like this there is nothing I could do or say to make my actions right. But with God as my witness Lexi, for you I’m damned well going to try.”

  Okay, I don’t get this. I swear you’re hearing me, but then you go on these long peals of raucous confusion and I just sit here in your jocks along for the damned ride. Even now, you’re standing in the bathroom staring at yourself in the damned mirror and apologising to a woman on the other side of the damned city. If you’re so set on making these changes, bloody well show her.

  “Come Monday, baby, you are getting the real me, no matter what happens. I just hope I don’t fuck this up like I did last time.”

  Alexis spent the weekend completely engrossed in work and work only. Because that’s what she wanted, wasn’t it? That’s what caused all this heartache in the first place. Her work ethic and her need to separate it from her personal wants and needs. But to be fair, she was also trying not to feel the pain of rejection, which is exactly what she felt on Friday when Lane left the office and never returned.

  All she hopes for now is that they can continue to work together in a friendly manner until this project has finished. Then … pray Lane doesn’t walk away from her. Because even though she is trying to be strong now, I know that if Lane doesn’t suggest that they pick up where they left off, it will be impossible for Alexis to continue working in the same building as him, especially if she has to witness his Mr. Uptight persona flirt with every female in the lobby. That, she couldn’t handle.