Dreams

by Linda Chapman

  Tears were running down Ellie’s cheeks now, falling on to her coat as she stared down at Merlin’s sweet face, his eyes so trusting as he looked up at her. He didn’t know what was about to happen.

  John’s voice cut through the air. “You’d better move out of the way, Ellie. He’ll go down fast.”

  She turned away with a sob as the vet moved to where she’d been standing and lifted the gun. Hugging her arms around herself, she tried to think of something to do or say to stop it…There was a muffled shot and then a thud. She swung around. The chestnut pony was lying on the ground on his side. His eyes were open but he was dead.

  A half cry choked out of her as she flung herself down beside him.

  “Come on now.” She felt John pat her shoulder.

  Ellie shook her head. She couldn’t speak. If she opened her mouth she didn’t know what would come out. No, no, no…

  To her relief, the vet seemed to understand. He left her with the pony and walked away. Ellie didn’t blame him for a second for what he’d done. She knew vets had to put animals to sleep. No vet ever liked doing it. It wasn’t his fault.

  But it was her uncle’s.

  Hot tears streamed down her face as she knelt beside Merlin, stroking his neck over and over again. He had been so brave, so willing. He had made so many children happy, given everything all his life and now, in a few seconds, he had gone.

  It’s not fair!

  She saw the photos of him in Joe’s room, remembered the smile on Joe’s face only the other day as he’d told her how Merlin used to look after him in shows, the trust in Merlin’s eyes as he gazed at Joe. His life shouldn’t have ended like this. Not after he had given so much, been loved so much…

  Oh, Joe, she thought as she stroked the bay pony’s now lifeless body, feeling no connection, no energy, just a fading warmth. What are you going to say?

  Ellie stayed with Merlin until the tractor arrived from the local kennels to take him away. She left then. She knew to the men involved that Merlin was just a piece of meat, and she didn’t want to see him being hauled on to the trailer, manhandled. It seemed utterly wrong for a pony who had given so much to people all his life. She walked slowly back to the gate, her face stiff with dried tears. Lucifer was grazing now with short unsettled bites. She had never hated an animal in her life, but for an instant she hated him for what he had done.

  She breathed out. No. Even with the grief still throbbing through her she could sense the unhappiness and fear in him. There was something wrong with him, she was sure of it. She couldn’t hate him.

  Climbing the gate, she felt numb. The thought of Joe still at the show, not knowing what had just happened, twisted her up inside. How would he feel when he found out? All thoughts of their argument had gone; it seemed so petty now. I’ve got to call him, she thought.

  She went to Spirit’s stable. Luke had put him away and untacked him. The gray horse whinnied when he saw her. She leaned against him, drawing strength, and then, taking a deep breath, she reached for her phone. Her fingers trembled as she found Joe’s cell phone number and pressed the call button. The call went straight through to voicemail.

  “Hi, I can’t take your call right now. Leave me a message and I’ll call you back.”

  Ellie swallowed as she heard the beep. “Hi. It’s…um…it’s me. Ellie. Look, can you call me when you get this?” She hesitated, longing to say something more, longing to tell him how much she cared. But what could she say? She clicked the off button. Then she texted him: “Call me PLEASE. E x”

  Slipping her phone back in her pocket, she wondered what she’d say when Joe rang. Spirit nudged her and, shutting her eyes, she let herself open up to him, telling him what had happened. I wanted to stop it. I couldn’t. Uncle Len wouldn’t listen.

  She felt his sympathy. Words came into her head. Do not be unhappy. His pain is over.

  But he’s dead, Spirit.

  Horses walk in the present. Spirit breathed softly on her hands. Keep your love for the living.

  He sent her a picture of Lucifer in his stable.

  Ellie tried to push the image away. She didn’t want to think about Lucifer right then. But the picture stayed. Ellie turned away from him, breaking the connection. When she looked back, Spirit was still watching her.

  It was the longest afternoon Ellie had ever known. She waited nervously for her phone to ring but it didn’t. She wondered if Joe thought she was just phoning him to talk about their quarrel. Maybe he was ignoring her on purpose. Oh, please ring, she thought, taking her phone out and double-checking the messages for about the fiftieth time. She wasn’t looking forward to the conversation but she hated him not knowing what had happened.

  Everyone was quiet on the yard. Helen and Sasha were still upset. Luke kept everyone going, shouldering the burden of all the work and keeping cheerful. Her uncle stayed out of the way. Ellie was glad of that. Whenever she thought about him she wanted to scream and shout at him. How could he have ordered that Merlin be shot like that? He could have saved him. It wouldn’t have cost much money to keep him in the field for a year. The pony could have got better. But no. Len’s words rang in her ears: I’m not a charity.

  At six o’clock, after the grooms had left, Stuart finally drove the horsebox into the car park. Ellie watched from the courtyard as they started to unload the ponies. Her feet suddenly felt frozen to the ground. She’d been waiting all afternoon to speak to Joe, but now she couldn’t tell him, she just couldn’t. She looked at the house but the door stayed closed, her uncle inside.

  Ellie didn’t think she’d ever felt sicker in her life. She waited by Gabriel’s stable, patting him and trying not to look at Lucifer who was tossing his head over his half door. Stuart and Joe unloaded the ponies and came down from the barn, talking.

  “Hi,” called Stuart, heading for the tackroom.

  Joe gave her a brief smile and followed him. Ellie blinked. After all that had happened, it was hard to remember that Joe and she were still not really speaking. “Joe!” The word burst out of her. He stopped and looked around.

  “Yeah.”

  Ellie licked her lips. “You…you didn’t answer my messages.”

  Joe looked slightly guilty. “Sorry, I was just busy with the ponies. I thought we could talk when I got back.” He frowned as he read her expression. “What’s up?”

  She took a breath. “Joe, it’s Merlin.”

  Joe was instantly alarmed. “What’s the matter with him?”

  There was no easy way to say it. Ellie’s throat felt dry. This was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. “He’s…he’s dead.”

  She saw the look of incredulity, the frown, the dawning realization that she wasn’t joking.

  “It happened this afternoon.” The words tumbled desperately out of her. “He was put out with Lucifer. Lucifer attacked him, he tried to jump the cattle grid and didn’t make it. His leg was a mess…”

  Joe stared at her. “He’s dead?”

  “Yes, John came. Your dad…” She swallowed again. “Your dad told him to put Merlin down.”

  Joe started to shake his head.

  She didn’t know what to say. Sorry was too small a word. She wished she could hug him, somehow make him feel better, but he was already turning. He marched towards the house. Then abruptly he changed direction and hurried up to the barn.

  Ellie went after him. As she passed the house, the door opened and Len looked out, slippers on his feet. “Is he back then?”

  Ellie didn’t answer as she raced after Joe.

  Chapter Twelve

  JOE STOOD IN THE BARN, staring at Merlin’s empty stable. The bed was still as the pony had left it that morning, the night rug slung over the door, the haynet half-eaten.

  Ellie approached him cautiously. “Joe?”

  Joe didn’t look around. “He’s really dead?”

  “Yes.” Ellie reached his side.

  “What happened?” Joe touched the pony’s rug, as if trying to make it real by
touching, feeling. His voice was tight. “Tell me it all.”

  Ellie told him again, filling in the details, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks again as she relived the moment. She struggled to control herself.

  “And it was Dad who said to shoot him…” Ellie could tell Joe was struggling to hold in his feelings.

  Ellie nodded.

  There was the sound of the barn door opening. It was Len and Luke. Ellie glanced at Joe, expecting an explosion, but he just turned swiftly away.

  “So you’ve heard?” Len said.

  Joe nodded.

  “It had to be done.” Len’s voice was brusque. “The pony was in pain.”

  Ellie could almost see the tension sparking around Joe but he didn’t speak.

  “Well?” said Len at last.

  “Well, what?” Joe ground out.

  “Aren’t you going to say something more? If you don’t like what I did, lad, why don’t you say it? Tell me about it.” Ellie saw the challenge in her uncle’s eyes.

  “What good would it do?”

  Len’s gaze narrowed scornfully. “Aren’t you going to show some guts for once in your life?”

  “Guts!” Joe finally lost it and swung around furiously. “That’s all you think about, isn’t it? You think it shows guts if someone shouts and yells, if they hit people, if they beat a horse up to make it do what they want, if they’ll get into a fight. You make me sick!”

  Len had folded his arms as Joe shouted. Ellie could see a faint look of satisfaction in his eyes. He’s glad Joe’s yelling at him, she realized, feeling horrified. “That’s it. Come on, lad,” Len urged, his voice goading. “You tell me what you really think of me now.”

  “OK, I’ll tell you what I really think! There’s nothing inside you. People don’t matter to you. Horses only matter if they win. You get a kick from bullying. That’s why Mom left you and you hate me because I remind you of her!” His dad squared up as if about to fight but Joe didn’t move away. He stepped closer to his dad, his eyes blazing. “You’re a—”

  “Joe!” Luke swiftly stepped in front of him. “Stop it,” he said in a low voice.

  “Leave him,” ordered Len. “If he wants to have a go at me, let him.”

  Luke ignored him, his attention on his cousin’s angry face. “Joe!”

  Joe drew in a deep breath. “No, I’m not going to be like you.” He turned abruptly. “I’m going out. Will you give me a ride into town, Luke?”

  “Sure,” said Luke. “Get the spare helmet.”

  Joe strode down the aisle towards the door.

  “So that’s it, is it?” Len shouted. “Running away now, are you? I might have known. You flamin’ coward!” He spat the word out. His voice was cut off by the slam of the barn door.

  Len turned to Luke. “And what do you think you’re doing—interfering, taking sides?”

  Luke shrugged coolly. “He’s got a right to be upset, Len. Even you can see that.”

  They faced up to each other for a moment and then Len grunted. “He’s too damn soft about the ponies.”

  Luke’s eyes met Ellie’s briefly, then he turned and followed Joe.

  It was just Ellie and Len in the barn.

  “I hate you,” she said, her voice shaking.

  He gave a dry laugh. “Tough that you’re stuck with me then until you’re eighteen.” With that he turned and walked away. Ellie watched him go and then buried her face in Merlin’s rug and cried.

  Ellie didn’t want to go into the house that night so she sought refuge in Spirit’s stable. She groomed him, losing herself in the rhythmic sweep of the body brush over his coat and on to the curry comb. At last, exhausted, she rugged him up and sank down in a pile of clean straw by his manger. When would Joe and Luke be back? She shut her eyes, trying to block out the images of the day.

  She must have drifted off to sleep because some time later she heard a motorcycle. She was instantly awake and got to her feet. Letting herself out of the stable, she ran to the car park just in time to meet Luke coming up the slope, his helmet under his arm.

  “Where’s Joe?”

  “Didn’t want to come home.” Luke looked tired for once and ran a hand through his hair. “I tried to persuade him but he wanted to be on his own.”

  “But how will he get back?”

  “I dunno. Taxi. I’m not his keeper.”

  “You shouldn’t have left him there!” Worry made her snap.

  “What could I do? Drag him home? He wanted to be on his own, Ellie.” Luke gave a brief shake of his head. “I’m going in.”

  Ellie watched him go, then headed back to Spirit’s stall. The horse snorted as she came in, and she sank down on the straw again. Leaning her head against the stable wall, she shut her eyes. There was the sound of hooves moving in the straw and she felt warm breath on her hands. Opening her eyes, she looked into Spirit’s face. He was there for her—always there. She touched his cheek, stroking it gently until she fell asleep.

  Ellie didn’t know what woke her, but when she blinked her eyes open she wondered for a moment where she was. All she could see was wooden walls and her body felt stiff and cold, her neck aching. As she saw Spirit lying down in the straw just in front of her it all came flooding back. Merlin. Joe…

  Checking her watch, she saw that it was six o’clock in the morning. The sky outside was just getting light. She staggered to her feet. Was Joe back? Straw was sticking to her hair and clothes. Rubbing her face, she went to the door. She should go in and check.

  As she walked up to the house, she glanced down the lane. A figure was walking along, barely visible in the half-light. But she knew instantly it was Joe. Changing direction, she ran to meet him.

  “Joe!”

  He looked at her in surprise. “What are you doing up?” His face was pale, deep purple shadows under his eyes, his hair tousled into spikes.

  “I didn’t want to go inside. I’ve been waiting for you to come home.”

  “You silly thing.” He managed a small smile.

  “Where have you been?” Ellie demanded.

  “Just walking. When Luke left I wandered around for a bit and then decided to walk home.” He gave a short laugh. “I suppose I went the long way.”

  “You shouldn’t have been walking by yourself in the dark. You could have got run over or lost or anything.”

  “So? Who’d have cared?”

  “Me!” She looked at him. “Of course me.”

  She saw the grief in his face then. “Oh, Joe.” Stepping forward, she flung her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, everything else fading. None of the stuff they’d been arguing about mattered now. She just wanted to take away the pain and make him better.

  He buried his head in her hair, a sob breaking through him. “I can’t bear it, Ellie.”

  “I know. I do. I really do know.” Words tumbled through her mind: it’ll be all right…don’t worry…you’ll get over it…

  She wanted to say them, to try and comfort him, but she knew how little effect such words had. A picture of Spirit came into her head and she remembered the times she’d cried into his mane and the way he had let her do that. Not offering opinions in the way humans did, but just comforting her by being there. She bit her tongue and held the words in.

  Joe looked at her. “Was anyone with him when he died?”

  “Me. I wanted to stop it, but when I couldn’t I stayed with him until it was over. And afterwards.” Ellie shut her eyes, trying to block out the picture of the tractor chugging over the field. She was glad Joe had been spared that.

  Joe stepped back.

  “What are you going to do?” Ellie asked him.

  “Do?” He looked taken aback. “What can I do?”

  “Well, are you going to say something more to your dad?”

  “What’s the point?” Joe looked defeated, his earlier fighting mood completely gone. “Nothing will change him, and it won’t bring Merlin back.” He swallowed. “I suppose I’d better go in
, take a shower and get ready for the show.”

  Ellie stared. “You’re not seriously thinking of going to the show today?”

  “The ponies are entered. I just have to get on with life.”

  “But, Joe—”

  He shrugged. “It’s better this way.”

  He started walking towards the farm. Ellie fell into step beside him. “You can’t just keep quiet—you can’t carry on as if nothing’s happened!”

  “Ellie. Dad is Dad and life is life. It’s what I’m stuck with. There’s no point fighting it.”

  “No point? That’s stupid! You can’t think like that! Joe, you don’t always have to do what your dad or everyone else wants! You can fight things!”

  But Joe carried on walking. “Let’s just go in,” he said wearily.

  She followed him into the kitchen, unable to believe that he planned to go to the show as if it was a normal day. They were taking their boots and coats off when Len came downstairs in his dressing gown. “Oh, it’s you two. You’ve finally come in, have you?” He looked at Ellie. “Luke said you were asleep in the stable.”

  Ellie realized that meant Luke had come looking for her. But she didn’t have time to wonder about it; she just gave a brief nod. Joe might not want a scene, but she couldn’t forgive that easily.

  “And you’ve got over your temper tantrum, have you?” Len said, looking at Joe.

  Ellie stiffened on Joe’s behalf. Joe put a hand quickly on her arm.

  “What time are we leaving for the show?” he asked Len coolly.

  “Seven o’clock.” Len sniffed. “You’d better clean yourself up and get those ponies ready.”

  Joe headed upstairs without a word.

  Ellie gave Len a furious look.

  Joe paused. “Ellie. Come on.”

  Ellie hesitated, but the plea in his voice was unmistakable and the last thing she wanted was to increase his misery. She swung around and followed him. “You should have said something,” she said in frustration.

  Joe stopped on the landing, ignoring her words. “Will you give me a hand getting the ponies ready?”

  She saw the utter weariness in his face. “Of course,” she sighed. “I’ll just change my clothes, then I’ll be straight down.”