Lipstick and Lies

by Viggiano, Debbie

  ‘Our son slept through the night!’ he declared in amazement.

  ‘Indeed.’ I plonked whiffy meat down in front of the cats, and then busied myself mixing milk and cereal for Eddie. ‘All thanks to Morag and her sleep plan.’ I shoved the bowl of gloop into the microwave. ‘And due to her incessant nagging about weaning, my boobs are back to normal. Look,’ I patted my deflated chest. ‘Soft again.’

  Jamie squeezed my left breast. ‘So they are. I’ve a good mind to whisk you straight back upstairs Mrs Mackerel, and give your chest a thorough examination.’

  My mother-in-law walked in. ‘What’s the matter with your chest Cassandra dear? I couldn’t help noticing you didn’t have enough layers on for your jog in the park with Rocket yesterday. I hope you haven’t caught a cold.’

  The microwave pinged. I turned to open the door, hiding a smile. ‘You’re quite right Edna. I promise to wrap up more warmly next time.’

  Jamie caught my eye and winked. ‘Let me have that,’ he took the baby cereal, ‘and have the pleasure of feeding our little boy before I race off to Greenwich.’

  Ah yes. Princess Selina. Not only lonely in her penthouse turret but apparently stranded too. I pursed my lips but refrained from saying anything. Instead I busied myself laying the table with plates and cutlery while Edna whisked up fluffy pancakes for the children. They piled into the kitchen seconds later demanding maple syrup and jam. Jamie shovelled porridgey mix into Eddie’s eager mouth while I poured juice into cups. I then started on the mail. The electricity bill was how much? I stuffed the offending paperwork back into its envelope. I could see why Jamie was so keen for his business partnership to continue, and avoid going back on a bobby’s beat. There was a clatter of knives and forks being put down. I looked up.

  ‘All finished kids? Right, I’ll just get your little brother out of his pyjamas and we’ll be off to school.’

  Jamie lifted Eddie out of his highchair and handed him over to me, before disappearing upstairs to shave for work.

  ‘I’ll clean up properly later Cassandra dear,’ said my mother-in-law as she dumped the frying pan in the sink. ‘I promised to meet Arthur at nine.’

  ‘Leave everything Edna. Really, I don’t expect you to tidy up after us. I’ll see to it when I’m back from the school run.’ Curiosity got the better of me. ‘What have you and Arthur got planned?’

  ‘Well,’ Edna’s blue eyes were suddenly ablaze with a light I’d never seen before, ‘we’ve almost finished our respective rocking horses, so we’ve decided our next project will be a joint one.’

  ‘How lovely,’ I smiled indulgently. ‘What have you both in mind? A sledge? I do believe snow is forecast.’

  ‘Gracious no, Cassandra dear. I can knock up one of those anytime. We’re going to make a boat.’

  ‘A boat?’ I stared at her stupidly. ‘A toy boat?’

  ‘No. A proper boat. With a cabin. And then we’re going to sail it.’

  ‘Right,’ I said, slack-jawed. And by sailing, did she mean gently pottering up and down the Thames or Around the World in Eighty Days?

  ‘Cool, Nanny Edna,’ said Toby clapping his hands with glee. ‘Can we go in it too?’

  ‘Of course, Toby dear. And now I really must get a move on. Have a good day at school children.’

  Moments later Jamie charged into the kitchen with his briefcase.

  ‘I’m going to be late. Have you seen my car keys?’

  ‘Your mother’s building a boat.’

  ‘Excellent, excellent,’ Jamie began riffling through drawers in the ritualistic morning hunt for his car keys.

  ‘She’s going to sail it. With Arthur.’

  ‘Couldn’t be more thrilled. Ah, there they are,’ Jamie plucked them from the fruit bowl. ‘Bye kids.’

  ‘Bye Dad,’ a hasty kiss was deposited by Petra as both Toby and Jonas shot under Jamie’s extended arms and out through the open doorway.

  ‘Bye Jamie,’ Livvy stood on her tiptoes to peck her step-father’s cheek. He tweaked her ponytail in response.

  ‘See you about half seven darling.’ Jamie turned to me and brushed his lips against mine.

  There was a last minute delay thanks to Eddie having a bowel evacuation just as we were piling into the Muck Truck.

  ‘Can’t you change him when you get home Mum?’ asked Livvy.

  ‘No darling. Apart from his nappy whiffing the car out, he’ll whine like billy-ho. Won’t be a sec.’

  Being a sec wasn’t strictly true. By the time I’d cleaned up my wriggling infant and wrestled him into a clean nappy, a good fifteen minutes had elapsed.

  ‘We’re going to be late Cass,’ Jonas complained.

  ‘No we won’t,’ I assured. I reversed smartly out of the driveway and shot off along Lavender Hill at...ooh...a good twenty miles per hour. A collective groan rippled around the car. Needless to say, it was gone nine by the time the children ran through the school gates.

  ‘Tell your teachers I’m very sorry,’ I called after them as they flew across the playground.

  When I arrived home Morag was waiting on the doorstep for me, Henry on one hip. She looked incredibly put out.

  ‘I was just about to strap Henry back into his car seat and drive off. Where on earth have you been?’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said, extracting Eddie from his own car seat, ‘school run.’

  ‘But it’s nearly ten o’clock!’ she exclaimed. ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d naffed off to Fairview to do some shopping.’

  ‘You could have phoned me to check my whereabouts!’

  ‘Unfortunately I’ve come out without my mobile. I took a chance on you being home. Earlier on I picked up your text about Nell. Have you recovered from your midwifery stint?’

  ‘Just about,’ I hauled Eddie onto my shoulder and locked the car. ‘Baby Rosie is beautiful.’

  ‘I can’t wait to see her. When do you think we can visit Nell?’

  ‘Well, perhaps we should let them have a couple of days to sort themselves out – Ben did have concussion remember. And they’ll probably just want to be on their own with Dylan too, and bond with the new family member.’

  ‘Good idea. Well come on, let’s get inside. I have something to tell you.’

  ‘Ooh, that sounds promising. Gossip?’ I slotted the house key into the front door.

  ‘Naturally.’

  ‘Come on through to the kitchen. Oh dear,’ I stared around me in dismay. ‘I’ll just clear up the breakfast things and then I’ll put the kettle on. Promise.’

  ‘Honestly Cass, you are such a slob,’ Morag chided. ‘Why don’t you tidy up as you go along?’ Morag took Eddie from me and hopped into the playpen with both boys. I quickly loaded up the dishwasher and wiped down floury surfaces, while she played peek-a-boo with our babies.

  Fifteen minutes later we sat companionably at the table, coffee mugs by our sides and a plate of Hob Nobs between us.

  ‘I shouldn’t be eating these,’ said Morag helping herself, ‘but lately chopped up carrot sticks have lost their appeal.’

  ‘Hardly surprising. I’d rather have a Nob than a stick any day.’

  ‘Don’t be smutty.’

  ‘Why not? You usually are!’ I dipped a biscuit in the hot liquid before letting it crumble over my tongue. ‘Mmm. Delish. So what’s this gossip?’

  ‘Well,’ Morag took a deep breath, ‘yesterday evening I was in Tesco’s and bumped into Charlotte.’

  ‘Charlotte as in Stevie’s Charlotte?’

  ‘The very one and same,’ Morag took a sip of coffee, ‘and she wasn’t looking so hot.’

  ‘Stevie was here last night. He mentioned they’d had a row and he’d come out to distance himself.’

  ‘Well from now on there will be permanent distance. She told me she’s left him.’

  ‘Oh Charlotte is always saying that. She’ll run home to Mummy for a day or two and be back in situ by the weekend. You’ll see.’

  ‘Not this time. She told me she’d packed her bags and
was in Tesco’s picking up a few things for her journey. Apart from anything else, I think your ex has already moved on.’

  ‘You’re wrong,’ I dunked another Hob Nob in my mug. ‘This time–’

  I stared in dismay at my coffee. Half the Hob Nob had over-soaked and fallen into the mug. It was so annoying when that happened. I stood up to make a fresh one.

  ‘I’ll have another coffee too please Cass.’ Morag waved her empty mug at me.

  ‘Currently their relationship has hit a wall,’ I took Morag’s mug, ‘because Charlotte wants a baby, and Stevie isn’t in agreement. And I heard that straight from the horse’s mouth.’ I poured scalding water into the two mugs.

  ‘Well if that’s true, then I’m sorry for Charlotte. However, there’s more to this than just refusing to have a baby. Stevie rang the stables early this morning. I’d popped down to the yard to give Matt a message and then got side-tracked talking to one of the stable girls in the office. So I just happened to be there when Stevie’s call came through. He booked a hack for this Sunday.’

  I put the fresh coffees on the table. ‘Gosh, he’s not ridden a horse for a good few years. His legs will be as stiff as a board.’

  ‘Well I privately thought that might not be the only thing to get stiff,’ Morag arched an eyebrow, ‘because it transpired he’d booked two horses,’ she waited for this to sink in, ‘for him and A.N. Other.’

  ‘Now you’re the one being smutty,’ I tutted. ‘Well the second nag is obviously for Charlotte.’

  ‘Nope,’ Morag shook her head.

  I took another Hob Nob. This time dunked it carefully. ‘This isn’t good gossip Morag,’ I shook my head. ‘I thought you were going to tell me something riveting. My ex-husband’s social life is of no interest to me.’

  Morag ignored me and ploughed on. ‘Five minutes later Stevie rang back. And this time I answered the phone.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And after exchanging pleasantries, Stevie went on to say that regrettably he had to cancel the double hacks because his lady friend – please note no mention of Charlotte’s name – wanted to use a different stable.’

  ‘God he’s so tactless,’ I spluttered.

  ‘Yes he is. But the point is, when I went to cross out his booking in the diary, I noticed the name next to his. And it wasn’t Charlotte’s.’

  ‘So whose name was it?’

  ‘A woman,’ Morag rolled her eyes theatrically, ‘called Selina.’

  My entire Hob Nob splashed into my coffee. ‘Bloody hell.’ I fished out the biscuit and deposited the mess on the table. ‘I’ll wipe that up in a minute. Right now I need to main-line on sugar.’ I took another biscuit. ‘Are you absolutely sure about this Morag?’

  ‘Of course I’m sure! Although to begin with I thought it was a massive coincidence. I couldn’t understand how on earth Stevie knew that Selina. But you’ve since answered the question by telling me he dropped in on you last night. And I know you had a certain person in your house who’d invited herself over for kitchen supper. So you don’t have to be Einstein to work out that the two of them met and clearly took a shine to each other.’

  ‘Stevie was putty in Selina’s hands. She managed to wangle a ride home from him – all the way to Greenwich no less. Goodness knows what time he got back to his place last night.’ Morag and I looked at each other as realisation dawned. ‘If he went home at all of course. Ethan isn’t due back from America until later today.’

  Morag let out a low whistle. ‘Selina must have asked Stevie to change stables for their horsey afternoon to avoid running into Matt who she met when she dated Jamie.’

  ‘Well quite,’ I said, spraying biscuit crumbs across the table, ‘and of course it’s possible all the kids would have spotted her too. They will be there this weekend riding their own ponies.’

  ‘Exactly. And Matt would have told Jamie he saw his ex-girlfriend–’

  ‘And then Selina would have had an awful lot of explaining to do as to why she was out horse riding with Stevie when she’s so in lurve with Ethan. What time did you get the first phone call?’

  ‘It was early. About half past seven. Don’t forget stable life starts at six in the morning. Mucking out and wotnot. It’s not unusual to have the phone ringing at that hour.’

  ‘And you say Stevie called again minutes later.’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘So by my reckoning, at that point they must have been in her apartment together – Ethan’s apartment as it so happens – discussing their next rendezvous. “How about a bit of fun?”’ I mimicked Stevie, ‘“a bit of chilly winter horse riding and then back to mine to warm up?”, and then Stevie ringing the stables and organising everything before Selina thought hang on, I’ve been to that yard before. And then she probably tossed back her hair,’ I threw back my own head and shook my hair about, ‘and declared, “Oh Stevie honey-buns. Change of plan. Horsey-shenanigans will have to take place elsewhere. We can’t risk bumping into your kiddie-poohs and–”’

  ‘I’m sure she doesn’t talk like that Cass. You sound like a retarded Hollywood actress.’

  ‘And talking of kiddie-poohs, she made a comment about the children last night that got right up my nose. It was almost like she wanted to steal them off me.’

  ‘And now you’ve lost yourself in a dire Hollywood drama. Honestly Cass, sometimes your imagination is something else. Let’s stick to the facts–’

  ‘Fact One,’ I put down my Hob Nob and ticked off on one hand. ‘Stevie spent the night in that apartment – Ethan’s apartment. Fact Two, Selina has started an affair with him. Fact Three,’ I floundered. There must be a third thing.

  ‘Fact Three,’ Morag leant forward. Looked me in the eye. ‘If Selina dumps Ethan and marries your ex-husband, she will be step-mother to your children.’

  ‘Over my dead body,’ I growled. ‘This is one occasion where my ex-husband’s love life suddenly does interest me. That woman is driving me nuts. Wherever I turn, she’s there. In my face. I can’t have Stevie falling for Selina.’

  ‘Oh don’t upset yourself so. Stevie turns women around faster than conveyor-belt sushi.’

  I stood up. Took some deep breaths. ‘You don’t understand Morag. I’ve had a bad vibe about Selina ever since she reappeared in our lives. That woman is bad news,’ I thumped the table to emphasise my point. ‘You mark my words. She’s trouble. With a capital T.’

  It was no good. I needed to speak to Stevie.

  After Morag had left, I tried ringing my ex at his place of work. The telephonist told me he was out of the office and on site. I called his mobile. It went to voicemail. So I busied myself stripping beds, and tried not to shred pillowcases in frustration. Finally, at lunchtime, I tracked Stevie down to a watering hole just off Leicester Square.

  ‘Hey Cass,’ Stevie shouted above the noise of music and City chatter. I had a mental picture of him perched on a tall chrome stool popping an olive in his mouth between sips of white wine spritzer. ‘Everything okay? Nothing wrong with the kids is there?’

  ‘Everything is fine Stevie.’

  ‘Ah, so this is a social call.’

  ‘Um. Sort of. I just wondered if everything was now okay at home with Charlotte? I mean,’ I studied my fingernails, ‘it must have been quite late by the time you drove back from Greenwich. Was Charlotte cross?’

  A pause. ‘She was asleep. In the spare room.’

  ‘But you did see her?’

  ‘Well no, not last night. As I said, she was in the spare room. And I didn’t want to disturb her. By the way, your new best friend is very charming. Selina,’ he added. Not that any explanation was needed.

  ‘Selina is not my best friend.’

  Stevie chuckled. ‘Well she’s clearly under the impression she is. Holds you in very high esteem. It was Cass this and Cass that. Banged on and on about what a fabulous person you were, what a great house you lived in, and what fantastic kids you had. Two of which are mine of course.’

  Clear
ly Selina’s flattery was all part of buttering Stevie up.

  ‘Well never mind that. Getting back to Charlotte. You saw her this morning?’

  Another pause. Slightly longer this time. ‘Um. Yeah. But briefly. She was very frosty with me.’

  The first lie. God I was so glad Stevie was no longer my life partner. No wonder Charlotte had finally naffed off. Clearly Stevie just hadn’t realised this as yet. Oh well. He would tonight. When he really went home.

  ‘Well I hope things settle down soon.’

  ‘Thank you Cass. I didn’t know you cared about me so much.’

  ‘I don’t. But I do about Charlotte. Toodle-oo.’ I hung up. Stared at the mobile thoughtfully. Stevie hadn’t mentioned anything about seeing Selina again. But thanks to Morag’s gossip, I knew the pair of them would indeed be hooking up. I wondered which yard they’d go to. Why did Selina want to dally with the likes of Stevie when she had a golden future all mapped out? Why risk jeopardising it all?

  I spent the rest of the day working my way through chores as quickly as a six month old baby permitted. Edna came home just as I was about to set off for the school run. She breezed through the door looking like Mrs Doubtfire after a stint with a bottle of sherry. Cheeks very flushed.

  ‘Cassandra dear,’ she beamed. ‘Leave Eddie with me. You’ll be able to drive a bit faster without him.’ She took my babe and gave him a resounding kiss on the cheek, before twirling him around a few times. Eddie squealed with joy. I wasn’t used to my mother-in-law being so openly demonstrative. Or doing happy jigs. Or grinning foolishly.

  ‘Okay,’ I smiled at my mother-in-law, ‘thanks. That would be very helpful.’ I needed to get back into the kids’ good books after making them so catastrophically late this morning. ‘Did you have a good meeting with Arthur?’ I ventured. ‘Discuss lots of, um, boating stuff?’