Wherever My Heart Roams (Brides of the West Series Book Nine)

by Rita Hestand

  "Oh I wish you were wrong Mother Cahill but I feel the same way…"

  "Wade has been so watchful of the news."

  "Don't fret now. There's going to be many perilous times before this is over."

  "It's unfolding pretty quickly, too." Mother Cahill murmured as she looked around the café with interest.

  The food was divine and after they ate they visited several shops. Wade had given her an allowance to spend as she wished and Beth picked out a present for Mother Cahill, and a few things for her family, and one beautiful dress that Mother Cahill insisted was made for her. Then Beth found a beautiful pocket watch and showed it to Mother Cahill. "Isn't it lovely. Do you think Wade would like it?"

  Mother Cahill eyed her a moment, "I thought he gave you money to spend on yourself. You've bought things for everyone else."

  "I can't just spend on myself. I have so much already, Mother Cahill. Why, I've got more dresses now than I ever had in my life. Besides, my family might never get up this way and I want to take them something…for when we return for a visit."

  "You are a very unselfish woman, Beth. I truly am proud to know you. I often thought Wade might latch on to some woman who was frivolous and selfish. I'm so glad he found you."

  "Why thank you Mother Cahill, that means a lot to me."

  Gathering their purchases, they took the buggy back and then went slowly back to the boat.

  But they were nearly knocked down by a bunch of white men chasing a Negro. There must have been twenty of them, all armed with clubs and guns. What were they after in such a hurry?

  "What on earth was that?" Beth grabbed her chest.

  Mother Cahill shook her head as she stared after them. "A Negro trying to escape his owner more than likely. This goes on all the time, whether there is a war or not. And it will until the war is over."

  "What will they do to him if they catch him?"

  "Beat him and put him back to work, I'm sure."

  "Oh dear God…" Beth gasped. "But why would he run away in the first place then?"

  "I can see you haven't been around a plantation. They work these poor devils until they can't stand up. They beat them if they refuse to work, or run away. They sell them out from under their own families. They are poor souls, lost in a pool of sin. The sin of greed for these wealthy plantation owners."

  A fight was going on close to the dock and two pirate looking men were beating each other to death. No one stopped them.

  "Oh, we've got to get to the boat," Beth cried.

  About that time there was a loud boom and everyone stopped what they were doing. Looking about they saw smoke and lots of people began running. Some were yelling. The young soldiers on the street were no longer there. Beth looked for them.

  "It's started I suppose." Mother Cahill snorted. "That was a long way off."

  "They'll think twice before they destroy this city though."

  "Oh, why is that?"

  "It's full of rich influential people. Both sides know that."

  "It would be a shame to destroy such beautiful homes."

  "Before this war is over, many, many homes will be destroyed, and burned to the ground, mark my words."

  "Oh Mother Cahill, I pray it stops soon."

  "Let's get back to the boat, dear."

  Beth hurried toward the boat ramp and pushed Mother Cahill up the ramp. She couldn't help looking over her shoulder at the billowing black smoke rising in the air. Was this one of the signs of war? The mere thought of it, sent a cold shill through her. One of the laborers saw them and stopped to help them.

  "You two alright?" He asked. He was a black man.

  Beth smiled warmly at him.

  "We're fine, thank you."

  "Let's get you aboard now." The man glanced at the smoke too, then at Beth. What she saw in his face told her that the war had most certainly begun.

  He nodded and went back to work.

  Chapter Twelve

  Beth strolled along the deck with Wade but they were both very quiet. Only the familiar sound of the paddle pulling the water up and over broke the silence.

  The moon shone against the water, making it sparkle.

  "Something wrong?" He finally asked as they came to a stop.

  "No…I mean…not exactly." She began.

  "Did you and mother have a good day?"

  She looked at him, in some ways it was wonderful. "We really enjoy each other's company, and we get along famously. I'm so glad. Because I worried about how she would accept me more than anything. But she's a real sweet woman. I worried that I might do or say the wrong things."

  "Then what is troubling you, now?"

  She hesitated, "It's hard to put in words. Just one word. War. Things are so…tense…the war an all. Today I saw the first signs of it all along the streets, in the people's faces."

  "Don't fret about that, darling, there's not much you can do about it. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Now, tell me, what did you see that upset you?"

  "It more a feeling that seemed to build throughout the day. First we spotted soldiers in gray uniforms talking about how quickly it would all be over. They were laughing about it, and so bold. Then we witnessed a man hunt."

  "A man hunt?"

  "Well, Mother Cahill said he was a runaway Negro, and a mob of men ran down the street chasing him with clubs and guns. They liked to have knocked us over. And then before we could board again a fight broke out on the docks."

  Wade turned her chin up so he could look into her eyes. "You haven't been in the big cities much, have you?"

  "No, I suppose not…" she answered.

  "Those kinds of things go on all the time, all but the soldiers at least. The slave trade in Natchez is one of the worst. I should have warned you about it."

  "Maybe I overreacted." She cried.

  He kissed her lightly. "You’re a woman, and those kinds of things would shake any woman."

  "Even your mother was upset by it. That's why we cut the trip short. There seemed to be a vague tension growing."

  "Mother hasn't been out in a while either." He smiled.

  "I suppose you are right."

  But when she retired that evening with Wade she felt a great need to be close to him. She didn't exactly know how he'd react, but she felt it important to finally let him know.

  "Would you hold me?" She asked in a quiet voice.

  "The pleasure would be all mine," He smiled as he turned around and saw the shimmer of tears in her eyes

  "I wish you wouldn't let it bother you?" He took her into his arms and kissed the top of her head.

  "Oh Wade, I just want to be close." She sighed as his arms came around her and his lips touched the top of her head once more. She so loved it when he held her like this, she felt so protected. She felt as though nothing could hurt her in his arms.

  After she calmed her racing heart a bit, she pulled away to look into his face.

  "Did you win at the tables today?" She asked, trying to keep all the feelings he aroused at bay.

  "Some, yes. Most days I win some." He smiled against her hair. "Hmm…what is that wonderful smell?"

  She turned back into his arms and was stunned to find herself so close to him, "It's me, it's perfume…I couldn't resist it…Do you like it?"

  "It's nice, I like it." He whispered as his lips grazed her temple.

  "I got some things for you, and for my family and for your mother. I hope you don't mind."

  "Of course I don't. I wanted you to enjoy your day. I bet you didn't spend hardly any on yourself."

  "Just the perfume. You've already bought me so many nice things. I felt too guilty to buy more."

  "You are precious." He smiled. "So very precious."

  "Oh Wade…I don’t' want you to go to war." She cried turning into his arms and gathering herself close so she pressed into his chest. "I don't think I fully realized how serious it was when you first told me of it. But in town today, the feeling was so creepy. It gave me
the jitters."

  He threw his hat on the bed and took her fully into his arms. "Hey now…it's going to be alright…"

  "I'm so afraid for you." She cried once more. "I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you."

  He lifted her chin and stared into her eyes. "You're going to have to be braver than you've ever been Beth…You are right, it's serious. But we can get through this."

  "I know, it's not for me, it's you I’m worried about. Today, I saw so much. Men fighting, men chasing slaves, soldiers boasting of how the war wouldn't last long. And the faces of scared people in town. It scared me. The people were all murmuring about the war. I saw fear and arrogance in their faces. It scared me, Wade. "

  "Listen to me, darling." He looked into her face now. "You must'n think of such things. I don’t want you to worry. You and mother's life won't change that much; you'll be here on the boat."

  "I can't help it. Oh Wade…." She cried aloud. "Wait a minute, where will you be?"

  "From time to time I'll have to find a way to make contact. The rest of the time I'll be here. I know this is all pretty confusing and terrifying in some respects. But I've chosen to help the south, and the north is going to be here in our laps. We have to look and act as though we are fighting for the north at all times. It's not going to be easy, Beth."

  "I'm so worried for you!"

  He tipped her chin once more and his kiss devoured her. She felt his tongue making its way to hers, mating and caressing, and she so wanted them to mate in every way. She strained to be closer. This wasn't the time to put more on Wade. He had enough to worry about. There would be time for them when the war was over, her mind told her as she blanked every thought with his tender kisses.

  "I know you want to wait…" She began.

  He stilled her lips with a finger. "Especially now…"

  Hurt filled her. She was ready to confess her love and he was rejecting her before she even told him.

  "I-I don't understand…don't you want me?" She asked with real tears in her eyes now.

  "Want you? Honey you'll never know how much, but…this is not a good time…" he held her close.

  She pulled out of his arms. "When is a good time?"

  Her voice had gone cold, and her brows knitted.

  "You don't understand, do you?" He fretted turning away from her for a moment to compose himself and his words.

  "You could be a widow before you're a wife. I don't want to take you and maybe risk you getting pregnant and me dying. It would be so cruel. You are so young, and beautiful. If anything happens. Promise me you'll find someone new…"

  She made a sorrowful face, her tears falling now. "A widow. Pregnant! Dying! Someone new! Oh no, Wade…you can't do this. You must'n fight. We can run away from this. Go to California…. maybe?" She was grasping at straws now, unable to face what he was saying.

  He pulled her to the edge of the bed and had her sit down. He took her hands in his and smiled warmly.

  "Some things you can't run away from. This is one of those things. This boat belonged to my father and now it belongs to me. It's part of my life, and I won't turn lose of it. I have to fight to keep it. That probably doesn't make much sense to you, but it's the truth. If I do nothing, they'll take it over and it could cause the lives of a lot of southerners. If I join forces with the north, and spy for the south, I'll be serving my country and my own interests at the same time. This boat is our livelihood. We have to keep it no matter what. And believe me Beth, the war doesn't care who it belongs to, but both sides are going to need it. So you see, I have to fight. This boat is our home, I cannot let them take it over, and destroy it."

  She leaned toward him and he wrapped his arms around her. "Don't you know by now that I do want you?"

  She looked up into his eyes with hope. "You do?"

  He chuckled, "I have since the first moment I saw you."

  "Then why….?" She cried.

  "I'm going to be very busy for a few days. I've got to get this boat squared away, and get in contact with the southern end of this, let them know the plan is ready."

  "What can I do?" She asked bravely.

  He smiled and kissed her head, "Just don't let anyone know about this. No one. Be here for me, and mother, and don't lose faith in me…"

  She nodded. "Alright. Will the war last long?" She asked staring into his eyes. "Will it be over like they said…quickly?"

  "Some say it will be over before it gets started, but I think not. I think this will be the bloodiest war ever. And we must prepare for it, darling. There will be things we have to do, that we don't want to do. There will be times we will barely see each other, but know this…you are my wife and you always will be."

  "Wade…I ache…inside for you." She cried. "My body goes crazy when you are near. I've never felt this way about anyone. I've never needed anyone so badly as I need you."

  "Oh honey, I ache for you too. More than you will ever know."

  "I think I'm in love with you Wade." She said softly.

  He looked into her tear-stained face. He stared for a long moment. "When you know for sure, without any doubts, it'll be right."

  "B-but…Wade I've never been in love before. Don't you see. How am I supposed to know if this is real or not?"

  "You'll know…. And I'll know you know." He smiled tenderly.

  "Is it because I'm still innocent that you don't want me?" She asked.

  "God no! That has nothing to do with it."

  "I don't understand then…"

  "You will…one day."

  She stood up, fumbling with her handkerchief that was wet with her tears. "But you'll go to war and I won't even have become your wife…"

  He stood up and turned her around to face him. "Don't say that, you are my wife, my only wife, and you always will be."

  She buried her face in his chest. "Help me be strong. I want you to make love to me…"

  She felt his smile against her cheek, and she lifted her head for his kisses.

  He picked her up, carried her to the bed and smothered her with kisses. But he didn't make love to her and she realized her need of him grew every day. Why wouldn't he put her out of her misery?

  Chapter Thirteen

  The next day a Major in the confederate army showed up on the boat, he was in uniform. He was talking to Wade as Beth and his mother went into the dining room.

  "I'll need transport down river," The Major Watkins was saying as they passed them.

  Beth and Mother Cahill exchanged glances. It had started.

  At the table they ordered, but both their heads kept turning to Wade and the Major. His mother was as concerned as Beth and they realized that from this day forward things would change, and not for the better.

  "This is a pleasure boat, Major." Wade was telling the him.

  "I'm aware of what it is sir. But I must ask you as a fellow southerner to assist your army in getting to Kentucky as soon as possible. The northern army is descending from Illinois; we must fortify our positions there before hand. You understand. You must take my platoon to the northern most point of safety. It's quickest and most inconspicuous way."

  "I do understand." Wade said as he saw General Martin pass by, watching him closely. General Martin was not in uniform. Only Wade knew he was a General. Wade didn't react but continued. "How many soldiers, sir?"

  "Twenty-five in my squad and me." The Major said.

  "This isn't a war boat, Major," Wade said loud enough that it turned heads. "But I'll take you. Where will they board?"

  "Just up the river past Greenville." The Major replied.

  "Alright…." Wade agreed knowing that General Martin was about and would be wondering just who's side Wade was on. "But don't think you can continue to do this, Major. I'm not putting my boat up as a war boat."

  "All citizen are involved in this war, sir." The Major frowned at him. "Just who's side are you on?" The Major's voice raised and heads turned.

  General Martin heard it, and a slight smile played a
t his lips. Good, Wade thought as he spotted the General, he said that at just the right time.

  "I don't take sides, Major." Wade replied.

  "Well you will, before this war is over. Tomorrow morning, early dawn…" and he walked off, puffing on a cigar.

  Wade stared after him. The arrogance of the southern Major was unbelievable, but Wade needed to show outrage, that way he'd earn General Martin's trust. It was tit for tat.

  He had to find a way to keep the armies at bay somehow and he wasn't sure how to do it. Perhaps his southern contact could help in that respect. He'd never earn the north's trust hauling soldiers from one end of the Mississippi to the other.

  General Martin watched him closely the entire day, even though Wade tried to stay around Beth most of the day.

  Beth saw General Martin staring at them and deliberately looked troubled. "What did that Major want with you?"

  "To transport soldiers to the north end of Kentucky." Wade said casting General Martin a glance and a nod.

  "Well," Beth put on her best act. "You aren't going to do it are you?"

  "I had little choice right now, but I don't intend making a habit of it. I'm not turning this boat into a war boat for the south. What would our guest say?"

  "War, that's all anyone wants to talk about these days." His mother added.

  "Well, I promise not to subject either of you to it very often." Wade said.

  Some of the passengers heard him and one old gentleman which Wade had the utmost respect for came to their table.

  "Wade, we all have to do what we can for the war effort."

  Wade glanced up at Charles Nixon, a distinguished old gentleman from the south. "You have a good size boat, naturally you can be a lot of help to the south, you know."

  "Surely you can understand that a man can't make money using the boat for the war effort. My passengers expect entertainment, poker, shows, good dining, not soldiers and guns." Wade argued gently.

  "You can count on them expecting it, alright. But my God boy, this is war. Entertainment becomes secondary to the war effort, and you know that. You're a southerner aren't you?" Mr. Sloan asked with a frown.