Wherever My Heart Roams (Brides of the West Series Book Nine)

by Rita Hestand

  "She didn't have to work or do much around here, I just wanted her to be here when I came in from work every day, to share my day with her. But it wasn't enough." John shook his head. "I thought together we might make a go of this place and make something of it."

  Beth stared at him strangely, "You were in love with her, weren't you?"

  "Sure I was. Had been for a while. When she let me court her I thought everything was going to work out. But it didn't. She never loved me back." John cried.

  "I'm sorry John. I'm sorry. Did she…leave alone?"

  "I don't know." He shook his head, helplessly.

  Beth went to the counter, pumped some water into the bowl and washed his dishes for him. He watched her as though he didn't really see her.

  "I hope she comes back someday, grown up and ready to face life, head on." Beth said sadly.

  "If she…gets a hold of your folks. Tell them, I'll give her a divorce, if that's what she really wants." John said as Beth got up to go. "I won't hold her no more."

  Beth nodded dully. "If we can do anything for you, let us know."

  "Bring her back to me. That's all, just bring her back." He said dully.

  Beth walked home that evening crying. She'd lost her sister.

  She told her folks and Mother Cahill what happened that night. Her father went to the barn and stayed there until bed time. Beth sat with the kids most of the evening, telling them stories about the boat and making them giggle.

  When her Pa came back in the house, Beth was waiting for him at the kitchen table.

  "I'm sorry Pa. I blamed you for it all. It wasn't you. It was something lacking in her." Beth took hold of his hands. "None of us saw it Pa. Maybe if we had, we could have helped her, but we were just blind."

  "When you went off and seemed so happy, I thought I'd done the right thing. I thought by making you face the fact that you weren't a kid no more, you'd grow up. And you did. You even fell in love with your husband, which was what me and your Ma hoped for all along. But Martina, she just kind of went crazy when you left. We thought marriage might straighten her out, but she got worse instead of better."

  The sound of his voice had Beth staring, he was all choked up and the way he slurred some of his words told her he was near tears.

  "I guess there are times when we can't help people no matter how close we are to them. Maybe she just has to grow up on her own, Pa." Beth exclaimed. "Maybe she has to get far away from all of us, to grow up."

  "When you going back to the boat?" He asked, his voice still tight with emotions he couldn't express.

  "Thought I'd stay a couple of weeks. But I am anxious to get back. Wade is under a lot of pressure and maybe I can help him." Beth told him.

  "What's going on?"

  "The Confederates are using his boat to transport soldiers and guns up toward the northern lines. The Yankee's want him to inform on them. And he's considering it since the south is hounding him to join up. There is talk of conscription too. If that happens the boys will be called up."

  "I knew it was gonna get bad girl. I've seen things around here that it's doing to some and I can't believe it. Father against son, brother against brother. Johnny Potts left home three weeks ago to join the Union Army. The whole community liked to have run him off after they found out he was joining the Union. Sam Granger's son was killed the other day in some battle in Arkansas."

  "Bobby?"

  "Yeah…Cal Hobart too. It's a dangerous time. Families left alone, Indians attacking. Things are just not good right now. But what is worse, every skirmish hundreds sometimes thousands die. It's hard to believe. It's scary to look at those lists. I don't want the boys goin' off, I need them here, but if they make it a law, what can I or anyone else do?"

  "I know Pa. Will you and Ma be all right here?"

  "We'll make out. Are you taking Mrs. Cahill with you?"

  "No, Wade wants her to stay here. Right now it might be the only thing for her, since she can't get around that well. But don't baby her, she's very independent."

  He nodded and smiled. "Ma says she's a lot of company to her."

  "They get along well."

  "Pa…I love you! And I'm sorry if I was too rough on you. I just couldn't believe about Martina. I guess in some ways I haven't grown up either."

  "You've done just fine girl." He smiled and pet her hand. "I don't know how to begin to tell John how we all feel. But I know how you feel girl. I know that."

  Chapter Twenty

  Jacob was outside fixing the plow a couple of days later, his arm was better and he could work now.

  He saw her coming so he waited until she got close. His face masked, his glance penetrating. "Well, did you go see her before she up and left?" He asked unable to keep the sarcasm from his voice.

  "Yeah, I saw her." Beth nodded as a line etched between her brows.

  "Things are changing around here a lot, Beth. A lot of the boys my age have enlisted. Pa won't let me. But they are talkin' like it won't be long before we have to go. Pa does need me, but if I gotta go, then I gotta go."

  "Would you fight for the north or the south?" Beth asked, her voice uncertain.

  "Between you and me, I'd rather fight for the north," he stared at her, waiting for her reaction to that. When she didn't flinch he went on. "But if you say that too loud, anywhere near these parts, and you could get your throat slit. This whole valley is battling it out. Some want to fight for the 'cause, and other just want what is right. I don't believe in slaves, Beth. Never have. So that's why I'd want to fight for the north. But, if I don't leave soon, I'll be drafted into the south. With no choice." The anger in him came alive in the way he threw down his tools and the dust scattered.

  "Maybe you should go see Uncle Clive out in California." Beth suggested, her eyes not meeting his just yet.

  "If I could get there in one piece." Jacob chuckled hysterically.

  "I'll ask Wade if he could put you on." Her voice softened with understanding.

  Jacob's eyes lit up, "You will? You mean that?"

  "Yes," She met his gaze steadily now. "I’m worried about you. I've lost Martina, I can't lose you too!" She cried and hugged him.

  He took her in his arms. "Don't cry sis. She'll come back…someday. She's just got to get her head on straight is all…"

  "I hope you are right about that. I can't do anything about her now, but I can you. Even if Wade can't give you work, you could come out there with me, and go on to fight for the north." Beth suggested. "If that's what you really want."

  "You think I could?" His eyes held hope.

  "I don't see why not. Does Pa know how you feel?"

  "Yeah, I couldn't keep it a secret from him." Jacob shrugged. "He knows me better than anybody."

  "What did he say."

  "He told me to keep my mouth shut around here." Jacob laughed. "It's just too dangerous to talk about."

  "He's right about that."

  "How did John take Martina leavin' him?" Jacob asked, as he watched her expression change.

  "Bad. He loved her." Beth replied, glancing at her brother. "Even knowing the things she did, he loved her. And the sad part is, she may never know it."

  "I kind of thought he was in love with her. Martina lost it after you left. She had no one to talk to, no one to confide in, or ask help of. I don't think she trusted anyone but you."

  "I wish everyone would quit saying that. Makes me feel so guilty." Beth cried. "When Pa offered me up on a platter to Wade, I was afraid for Martina, afraid she'd have the same fate. Pa just doesn't understand women; I don't know how Ma puts up with him sometimes. You can't just marry your children off to whoever comes along. With me, it worked, because Wade was understanding, but not every man would be. I realized that. I fell in love with Wade because he did understand."

  Her brother nodded. "It wasn't right of Pa. I knew that. But I didn't know how to tell him. No one can help Martina right now. Maybe never. And it's no one's fault." Jacob told her as he put a part up in the
barn. "Wade's pretty decent to you?" Jacob asked.

  "He's very decent. I love him, Jacob." Beth smiled just thinking about him. "I miss him something terrible. He's got a lot of problems about this war himself. The Confederates want him signed up, the north wants him to spy. But strangely, the Confederates are less understanding than the north. They suspect him, but they still want to use his boat. He's under considerable pressure."

  "Maybe I could help him. Maybe between the two of us, we could do what has to be done. If he's for the north, then I could be some help for him." Jacob smiled.

  "When I get ready to go, you come with me." Beth told him. "I can't get back alone, with the Indians about, and the soldiers everywhere. Maybe Wade could use some help. I’m sure not able to do much."

  "I gotta tell Pa and he might get mad. But count on it, Sis. I'm with you and Wade."

  "Pa knows you are gonna get called up." Beth told him leaning against a tree. "And if he knows you don't want to fight for the south, he'll let you go."

  "Maybe, but he sure doesn't want me leavin' the place."

  "Can't be helped." Beth proclaimed. "And if you have to fight, I want you to at least be able to fight for the side you believe in."

  "Things are sure changing sis. I remember the worst thing I had to worry about was whether I was gonna wear my blue shirt or my red one. Now, I don't even care…"

  She chuckled, and hugged him tight.

  "Ma wants to have a little party for Sarah, her birthday is comin' up." Jacob told her.

  "That would be nice. She's growing up too fast. I talked to Pa about that too. I think he sees that not all of us need to be married right away. At least I hope he does." Beth sighed heavily. "This war is going to get much worse as time goes on, and families will be split and killed and all manner of hell will break lose. We have to find a way to stay together, no matter what." Beth affirmed.

  ~*~

  Three days later they had a small party for Sarah, Ma invited some of her friends over, baked her a cake and Mother Cahill and her sat on the front porch watching the kids playing and laughing.

  "I'm afraid there won't be many more days of celebrating." Ma told her.

  Beth came to sit on the porch steps as the kids played games in the yard.

  "This was a good idea Ma." Beth told her. "It kind of breaks the tension around here."

  "Well, I just figured with everything being so serious and all, a little party might perk everyone up. I guess that's something us women have to do when our men have to go to war." Ma told. "Your Pa shouldn't have to go, because of how many kids we got and him being the bread winner. But the boys…" her voice broke a little.

  "We'll weather Ma. We got get some iron in our backbones." Beth told her.

  Mother Cahill smiled at her, pleased to see her holding up so well.

  Her Pa joined them, laughing at Sarah as she fumbled with the ball they were playing with as it rolled down the hill.

  "I guess it's as good a time as any to tell you that Jacob wants to go with me when I leave and see if Wade might have work for him on the boat." Beth explained looking at her father now.

  Her father rested his arms on his knees. "Might be the best thing for him. 'Cause if he stays around here, he'll get called up. Daniel and Matthew have a couple of years yet, maybe by that time the war will be over. When you leavin'?"

  "First part of next week."

  Her Pa nodded. Suddenly he gave off a sly smile, "Well you don't have to worry about Sarah. She says she's gonna pick her own fella out. Maybe we kept too tight a reign on you girls all this time."

  Beth laughed, "That's good. That's really good."

  Beth watched the kids for a long time, but a part of her wanted to be with Wade and although she knew she'd miss everyone when she left, she couldn't wait to get home again.

  ~*~

  The day she left for the boat, Mother Cahill came to her and grabbed her hands. "Thank you for opening your home to me. Tell Wade I love him and he's in my prayers. And bless you child, be safe on your journey."

  "Don't you fret we'll be fine. Jacob knows these hills well. We will keep low and out of sight as much as we can. Jacob may be a great help to Wade too. He needs someone to help him, and I'm not much but moral support."

  "You're more than that. And he certainly needs you, even I know that."

  Beth came into Mother Cahill's arms. "I want to have his children, Mother and I don't want to wait until this darn war is over. Who knows how long that will take." She cried.

  Mrs. Cahill smiled sympathetically, "I'm glad. There is nothing that puts iron in a man's back more than knowing he is a father. You are right."

  "Take care of yourself, and if you need me, just send a wire. It might take a while, but I'll come and get you or send John to."

  "Alright dear. I'm sure I can be of some help around here even if I am in this old chair. Your mother is the sweetest thing and we get along wonderfully. And I love the children scattering about every day, takes my mind off of all the other things going on." She smiled into her face.

  Beth got to her feet and packed her things.

  "Ma's making sure Jacob's got all he'll need. Don't you fret, everything is going to work out…it has to."

  Mother Cahill nodded, but Beth saw the tear in her eyes and bent once more to kiss her cheek. "I love you…"

  "I love you too dear." She held her close for a moment.

  Beth took some time to tell all the kids she was leaving and get some major hugging. Joan was trying to be a big girl but Beth saw her tears too. She hugged her to her. "Don't cry dear, I'll be back…"

  "Promise?"

  "Promise." Beth smiled.

  When Jacob was packed and ready, Beth realized she had to say goodbye to her folks. Her mother held her tears, but again Beth saw them. Her Pa was his same old self, fidgeting at goodbyes.

  "We'll be back when we can get back…" Beth promised.

  "Jacob, take the back roads as much as you can, if you suspect Indians or soldiers don't light a fire. Take the old back road to the river and stay low as much as you can. Ma packed you some vitals, that'll hold you a while." His Pa shook his hand. "And good luck son."

  There was something about the parting that was more than a little sad. Beth couldn't shake it. Perhaps it was because Jacob worked hand in hand with her father for so long, or that her Pa simply understood the dangers Jacob might face, but she was moved by their goodbyes.

  They took the buggy, but anytime Jacob heard or suspected anyone coming, he hid the buggy in the brush or bushes until they passed. The last thing they needed was someone knowing they were traveling.

  Obviously from his careful maneuvers Beth knew Jacob had planned the trip out, knowing which old roads to take, and which would be washed out or unsafe. He also knew how to hide. Beth felt safe traveling with him. What shocked her was how quickly Jacob had grown up.

  She'd never noticed before.

  The first night they didn't light a fire, there were soldiers camped everywhere and they didn't need to run into them.

  The second night Jacob knew of a cave and they were very safe inside it for the night. They even lit a fire and had some good groceries their mother had packed.

  "We're making good time…" Beth smiled at him as she watched him gobble up his supper. It was the first good meal they had since their trip began.

  " I figure another two or three days, if we don't run into any trouble…" Jacob told her.

  "How'd you get to be so good at this?" She asked him.

  "It was Pa mostly. Soldiers have been in and around our place many times and the Indians, but Pa showed me places to go, how to hide, and where. We went all the way to the river several times. Going through Louisiana will be different, but using the same tactics, of staying low, hiding and not using fires will pay off. Funny thing, I didn't know Pa knew so much about tracking, hunting and skulking, but he's right good at it."

  "Pa ever tell you he fought with General Houston at San Jacinto?"
/>   "Once, I was younger then though and didn't pay much attention."

  Beth leaned back on a big rock and smiled reflectively.

  "He said he learned a lot during that time. Funny, I remember him telling me that if it hadn't been for the fall of the Alamo, he doesn't think they would have whipped Santa Anna. He said because the men at the Alamo stood up to the odds for what they believed it, that made a difference in the battle of San Jacinto. But this war makes little sense to me."

  "Well, Pa's smarter than you think. And don't blame him too much for marryin' you off. He just wanted to know you had someone that could protect and support you. He talked to me about it, because I was upset. He's struggled for a lot of years trying to support us all, and get us raised up so we could help him. But he felt the best he could do for all you girls was find decent men for you to marry. Men who could support you and who had at least a home of their own."

  "I know his intentions were good," Beth's mind went back to the day they announced she was engaged. "But he has to consider other things too. Not everyone is like Wade Cahill. Although it wasn't John Savage's fault for what happened. He did love Martina. He's tore up about her leaving. I'm not sure we'll ever see her again."

  "The sad thing is, you are probably right." Jacob nodded. "Thinking back on it I can remember a few times that Martina seemed to lose it."

  "I didn't realize my leaving would affect her like it did. I mean I know she didn't confide in anyone else but, I never dreamed she couldn't cope. I feel somehow responsible for what has happened to her." She murmured her expression serious.

  "She just sorta went wild after you left. She flirted with every boy that came close to her."

  "I think I really put a scare into her, and now I'm sorry for that."

  "What do you mean?" Jacob asked stirring the fire up so it wouldn't go out.

  "I warned her she'd be next. That they would find her a husband too. Funny thing is, I was right. I just didn't know how fast." Beth sighed. "We better get some rest…got a lot of traveling to do tomorrow."