Something Other than Fear

by Taylor, Kerry

  I returned home and carried all the bags up to my apartment and unpacked everything, hanging it all neatly in the wardrobe and folding it into the drawers in her new room. I hoped she would like it all.

  LUCY

  I had been in the hospital for almost a week. I was healing well, the bruises fading and the cuts healing with each day that passed. Jack, Matt and sometimes Rob were with me almost every minute of every day, taking it in turns to sit with me. They would chat to me and make me laugh when I was awake and sit holding my hand or stroking my head comfortingly each time I went to sleep. Every time I woke with a nightmare, which was often, one of them would be there to soothe me and assure me I was safe. I’d have been lost without them through that week and I was constantly thanking my lucky stars that I had such amazing people to be there for me.

  Eating remained a challenge, but I forced food down in order to build up enough strength to get out of there. I ate a lot of soup, yoghurt and jelly, not feeling brave enough to tackle anything more at that point. Jack and Matt were constantly trying to feed me up and it drove me crazy, but I did as they said in a desperate bid to get back to the real world. I felt as though I were under a microscope in that hospital bed, everyone constantly watching my every move and questioning every tiny thing I did or said. I needed to get out of there for my sanity. I just needed some privacy and some space sometimes and I could get neither while I lay in that hospital bed.

  Jack had been a real strength to me. He would sit with me almost every time Matt needed to leave for some rest, which wasn’t often as Matt hated to leave me, but Jack and I would always manage to convince him to just take a break for a couple of hours each day.

  Every moment I spent with Jack brought me closer to him. He was a good, kind man, just like my brother, except Jack was much more outspoken than Matt and he constantly had me blushing with his lack of filter. He was gay, and a shameless flirt with any male who was remotely good looking and who came into a fifty-foot radius. He would have me doubled over with laughter as he flirted with doctors until all they could do was flee, terrified.

  “Matt’s going to run a few errands, so he’ll be a couple more hours. Is that good with you sweet?” Jack asked as he sat, keeping me company on my sixth day in the hospital.

  “Yeah, of course. Is he ok?” I asked, with worry. I was aware Matt was trying to put a brave face on, but I knew him too well. He couldn’t hide the stress and anger he was carrying from me.

  “Lucy, we talked about this. He’s fine. Stop worrying about him.” Jack chided. We had discussed it, and I had also discussed it with Rob, but neither conversation had put my mind at rest. I knew Matt was blaming himself for my mess and I felt horrid about it.

  “If you say so.” I mumbled, not feeling up to tackling Jack further on the subject.

  “I do say so.” He said with a cocky smile. “You want to watch some TV?”

  “No. I think I may lose my mind if I see one more crappy day time show.” I sulked.

  “What do you want to do then sweet? Tell me and I’ll see what I can do.” He offered with such a genuine note to his voice. I turned my sulky look from the ceiling and looked into his sparkling blue eyes.

  “I want to go outside Jack. I want to see the snow and breathe some fresh air, please.” I almost begged.

  “It’s really damned cold out there today honey.”

  “Just a couple of minutes….that’s all I’m asking for. I came all this way to feel free and so far all I feel is trapped in a new prison.” I admitted.

  “Sweet, you’re not trapped, you’re free. You got away. You just need time to heal and this is the best place for you to be.”

  “I know….I do, it’s just…..” Tears were running down my face and I could barely get the words out.

  “What honey? What is it?”

  “Laying here, day in, day out…..it makes me see how stupid I have been to do this to myself. All I can do when I sit in this damn room is run through it all over and over. I want to be free, but here….in this room, I’m trapped. Trapped with him…..trapped in the past.” I whimpered.

  “Hey, hey now. You did not do this to yourself Lucy. Phil did it, all of it. He is the only person to blame so I don’t want to hear you putting any of this on yourself again, do you hear me?” Jack said firmly as he perched on the bed beside me and pulled me in for a hug. I rested my head on his shoulder and just let the tears run free.

  “I just wish it would all be over Jack.”

  “It is sweet. It’s over.” He soothed as he kissed the top of my head and pulled me in tighter.

  “Not in here.” I whispered as I pointed to my head, where images of everything I had endured played on a loop.

  “You know what?” Jack said. I looked up at him and couldn’t hold in my smile when I saw the grin on his face.

  “What?” I asked, my sadness instantly brightened by his joy.

  “You were right. We need to get out of here for a while.”

  “We do?”

  “Yes we do. We need some fun. Give me five minutes to find you something to wear and to check on your meds and we can get moving, ok sweet?”

  “Yes please Jack.” I replied excitedly. He nodded and left the room. I got out of the bed and went through to the bathroom to freshen up a little. I washed my face, avoiding the stitches on my forehead and finger combed my hair which was in a real sorry state. I did the best I could then brushed my teeth.

  “Sweet?” Jack called from outside the door. I opened it, halfway through brushing my teeth. “You ok?” He asked. I nodded and smiled as best I could with my toothbrush in my mouth.

  “Put these on when you’re finished. They’ll be too big, but they should do for today.” He handed me a stack of clothes.

  “Where did you get these?” I asked, though it didn’t quite come out like that with a mouth full of toothpaste.

  “I’m guessing that was where’d I get them?” Jack laughed. I nodded. “I borrowed them from the shortest nurse I know. It’s her gym gear. It’s all clean, I checked.” I nodded again and pushed him from the doorway so I could shut it.

  “Don’t lock it Lucy, just in case and call me if you need anything.” He called through the door.

  “Uh-huh.” I mumbled as I closed the door fully, then put the clothes on the vanity beside the sink. I finished brushing my teeth then set to getting dressed. It was a long and painful process with broken ribs and a pretty useless casted hand.

  Jack was right about the clothes, they smelled of washing powder and looked beautifully clean. I pulled on the lycra leggings and t-shirt over a set of the brand-new underwear Jack had bought for me the second day in that place. There was also a hooded sweatshirt and a pair of running trainers which looked almost new. I managed to get the sweatshirt on, but the trainers were a step too far. Instead I picked them up and walked back into the room where Jack stood like a guard outside the bathroom door, his arms crossed over his chest, He had changed himself out of his scrubs and into jeans and a dark blue jumper. He really was a very handsome man and even though I didn’t feel those types of feelings toward him, I felt the injustice for the female population that he was off the market to them.

  “Woah, looking good sweet!” He gushed, making me blush.

  “Can…..would you help me with these?” I stuttered as I held up the trainers.

  “Sure thing. Hop up on the bed.” He wrapped an arm around my back and led me over, then helped me up onto the edge of the bed.

  “Tell your friend thank you for the clothes. I’ll make sure they get washed and returned to her.” I mumbled, suddenly feeling anxious at the thought of leaving the hospital. I was such an idiot; I was the one who asked to go out and now I was bloody scared!

  “I will honey.” Jack replied as he pulled on and tied the second shoe. “There, all set.”

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “It’s a surprise. Come on, we won’t be long.” He urged as he helped me down from the bed, then pull
ed me out of the room.

  “Wh….what if Matt comes back?” I asked as we walked through the corridors towards the real world.

  “I text him to tell him where we’re going.” Jack replied. I clamped my mouth shut and gripped his hand tightly as I walked slightly behind him through the busy hospital. As we approached the entrance and the outside world was actually in sight I really started to panic. My heart was pounding, and I felt short of breath.

  “No, Jack stop!” I cried as I pulled back and froze in place.

  “Sweet? What is it? What’s wrong?” He asked as he crouched down until his eyes were level with my own.

  “I….I’m scared…..I mean, I know it’s stupid. Phil’s thousands of miles away, but…..I’m still scared Jack.” I whispered, my voice trembling.

  “Oh Lucy, come here.” Jack said as he stood and pulled me tight into his arms. He just held me for a few minutes while I tried hard to calm myself down, safe in his arms.

  “I’m sorry.” I whimpered when I felt able. Jack pulled back and looked into my face.

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about. You’re entitled to be scared and if you’re not ready for this, it’s ok. We can go back to your room or I could take you to the cafeteria to eat. Whatever you want to do is gone, but I need you to know sweet, I would never, ever let anyone lay a finger on you. You’re safe with me, and with Matt and Rob for that matter. As long as one of us is with you, you have no reason to be scared. I swear it to you, we will always protect you.” I took a deep breath and tried to pull myself together. He was right, of course he was. He, Matt and Rob had already proven to me how much I could trust them, and I felt safe with each and every one of them. I could do this. I came to Chicago to start over. That would involve leaving the hospital at some point.

  “I’m ok. I want to go….just stay close though, please?” I said more calmly.

  “I am not leaving your side sweet, I promise.” He wrapped an arm around my back, supporting me and pulling me close and we stepped out together.

  The second the fresh, cold air hit me I felt instantly better. There was snow piled up on all of the pavements and on the roof of every building around us, but the sun was shining truly was beautiful. I stopped outside the door and just looked around, taking it all in.

  “Ok?” Jack asked. I looked to him and beamed; I couldn’t hold it in.

  “I am. I really am.” I enthused.

  “Good. Come on, my car’s over here.” He said as he pointed straight ahead into the carpark.

  “You’re car? I thought we were just going for a walk?”

  “No, I said we needed fun. A walk around this crappy building is not my idea of fun, and sweet if it’s yours we really need to get you out more.” He joked, making me laugh. Five minutes out of the hospital with Jack and I already felt a little of the girl I had once been, before my parents died and before Phil, coming back to me.

  ***

  “Oh my God Jack, no way!” I cried as we finally reached our destination. Jack had parked the car up at a park in the middle of the city. I had thought he had simply brought me there for a walk, but we now approached a huge outdoor ice-skating rink and I knew from the mischievous look on Jack’s face, this was what he had planned.

  “I told you we were doing something fun and what could be more fun than this?” He asked.

  “But my ribs?”

  “You’ll be fine as long as you stay on your feet. I know you skate sweet; I’ve seen the photos of you with awards in Matt’s apartment.”

  “Jesus Christ. He seriously has those cheesy photos in his place?” I cringed at the thought of how horrendous those photos must be. I was about six when I went through my figure skating phase. It last a couple of years and it turned out I actually was quite good at it. I’d won several competitions and really enjoyed it, but I’d stopped as soon as the other kids at school found out and started bullying me over it.

  “Yeah he does and you’re as cute as a button in them.” Jack replied with a cheeky grin.

  “I’m really not sure this is a good idea. I haven’t skated since I was about eight. What if I fall?”

  “I will not let you fall. I’ve got you sweet, swear.” Jack said more seriously. I looked up into his face and saw the sincerity in his eyes.

  “Ok.” I gave in, as a huge smile erupted on my face. I couldn’t hide it, I was both excited and terrified, but leaning more on the excited side. It had been years, probably before Matt moved to Chicago since I had done something so spontaneous.

  “Yeah? You’re really going to give it a go?” Jack asked.

  “Too bloody right I am! It’s time I started living again, starting here.” I declared, then I grabbed Jack’s hand and pulled him with me.

  JACK

  “Sweet, just slow down a little!” I called across the busy ice rink. Lucy had been nervous when she first stepped onto the ice and I had held her close to my side, where she clung to me frantically. That had lasted for the first lap around the circular rink, but then I had seen her light up, and get braver. She had released my arm and just held my hand for the next lap, then she really started to fly until I simply couldn’t keep up. I was confident in ice skates, having played some ice hockey in my teens and in college. I thought I could skate well, and I was sure when I had decided to take Lucy skating, that I would be more than able to keep her upright, but it turned out she really didn’t need me.

  She flew past me again, this time backwards. The smile on her face was beautiful, lighting up her whole face. She was like an entirely different person, confident, happy and so very full of life. It was such a joy to behold and I hurriedly pulled out my cell to record a video to send to Matt. It would help him to see her so dramatically changed, hopefully give him hope she could come through the darkness she had been trapped in.

  She skated toward me at pace and just when I thought she wasn’t going to stop, she spun off into some fancy spin and then stopped opposite me, giggling with her cheeks a blush.

  “I can’t believe I can still do that!” She cried excitedly. I was videoing the whole thing and I hurriedly sent it to Matt, hoping it would cheer him up some.

  “Just go easy would ya? I’m about to have a freaking heart attack over here. If you fall Matt will have my balls.” I cautioned, but she just laughed harder.

  “I’m not going to fall and there’s no way Matt could take you, anyway, so just calm down cupcake!” She teased.

  “Cupcake? I’ll show you freaking cupcake!” I growled playfully.

  “Ha, yeah right! You’d have to bloody catch me first!” She was laughing away to herself as she set off skating at pace and I knew I was screwed. I may be fast, but I was nowhere near as nimble as she was on the ice, and as I gave chase, I knew she was right. No way was I catching her.

  ***

  I called an end to the ice skating after just over an hour. Lucy looked exhausted and pretty cold and I was getting pretty worn out myself. It had been an absolute blast, the most fun I had had in years and seeing how happy it had made Lucy and the confidence it had brought out in her, was just the icing on the cake.

  “Thank you for bringing me here. It was so much fun.” Lucy said as we headed through Millennium park, back to my car.

  “I had a lot of fun too sweet, even if I didn’t actually catch you.” I laughed.

  “I think I forgot, you know Jack. I think with losing my parents and then everything with Phil, I forgot life can be fun and happy. You just reminded me, so thank you.” She was holding onto my arm and walking pressed into my side for warmth.

  “That was just the beginning honey. I have so many fun, exciting things to show you now you’re here. Life is for living and you’re going to live the hell out of it now Lucy, I’m going to make sure of it. All of that darkness is in the past and you have a beautiful future here with us.”

  “Jesus Jack, way to make me blubber!” She laughed as tears escaped and ran down her cheeks. I pulled her in for a hug and just held her as the tea
rs passed and she gathered herself.

  “You ok?” I asked when she pulled back and looked up at me, a smile on her face once again.

  “Yeah, I am.” She replied brightly. “Should we head back now?”

  “Do you want to?”

  “Not really, but it’s getting late.”

  “We’ll just make one quick detour, then we’ll go back, ok?”

  “Ok.” She agreed. I took her hand and led her across the park to my favourite bakery. The afternoon had gone better than I ever expected, and it would be perfect if I could get her to actually eat something.

  “This place looks heavenly!” She gushed as we stepped through the doors of the large bakery.

  “They sell the best cakes and pastries. I usually stop in for a treat on my day off.” I explained. We walked up to the counter and Lucy studied the cakes and patisserie in the display like she had never eaten before.

  “What can I get for ya?” The assistant asked merrily from behind the counter.

  “Lucy, do you want something sweet?” I offered. She looked to me with confusion and more worryingly, panic. “Just give us a minute please.” I told the assistant. She nodded and turned back to whatever she had been doing when we walked in.

  “I’m sorry!” Lucy instantly declared as I approached her. Something had panicked her, and I had to take a deep breathe to calm the anger building at the idea that such a simple question as, what she would like, was something she was anxious over. What had he done to her?

  “Sorry for what honey? You have nothing to be sorry for.” I soothed. I kept a step back from her, not wanting to crowd her when she was anxious.

  “I should have made a decision. I just…..I panicked. It’s been a long time since I was allowed to eat sweets. They all looked so good and I didn’t know if I could have one…..god, I’m so sorry.” She babbled frantically. When she came to a stop, her eyes dropped down to the floor where she stared hard at her shoes.