Something Other than Fear

by Taylor, Kerry

  “Can I help you?” he asked sheepishly.

  “I just want to sit up a bit…..my back…..it hurts.” I tried to explain. He nodded and slowly moved towards me. He reached out to grab me, but then stopped and met my gaze.

  “It’s ok.” I whispered realising and appreciating the fact he wanted my permission. “I don’t bite!” I joked, hoping it would lighten the mood.

  He chuckled as he held me around my waist and lifted me effortlessly to a sitting position. He then propped me up with cushions and stepped back to study my face.

  “Is that ok?” he asked.

  “Much better, thank you.” I gasped through the pain the movement had caused. He nodded and took the chair next to the bed.

  “Matt should be back soon.”

  “It’s alright. I’m glad he went. He looked a mess when I woke up earlier. Do you think he’s alright?” If they were as good friends as Jack had said then he should know.

  “Honest answer?” He asked.

  “Of course.”

  “No Lucy, he’s not. Seeing you like this has been a big shock for him. Jack wants to protect you from seeing him upset, but you are a wise lady, I can tell, and I know it can’t be hidden from you. You know your brother too well. It’s gonna take him time to come to terms with what you’ve been through.” I was so grateful he was being truthful with me.

  “Is he angry with me?”

  “No, absolutely not!” he said firmly. He reached out and took my tiny hand in his huge mitt and then looked at me nervously again. I didn’t understand why, but I liked it, it comforted me, and I felt safe with him, so I smiled a little and he kept hold. “He’s mad with himself sweetheart. He feels that as your brother he had a duty to stop this happening!”

  “Well that’s daft!” I declared. “I chose Phil…...Matt, he tried to warn me, but I was swept up in Phil’s lies. Matt didn’t know what was going on and when he found out he tried to take me away. He did what he could, but I needed to make the decision to leave, I had to be ready.” There were tears in my eyes now as I thought back through all of the pain and horror.

  “He’ll sort himself out Lucy. just give him some time, ok?”

  “This is all such a mess!” I cried.

  “Don’t think like that sweetheart.” Rob soothed as he reached up to wipe a tear from my cheek. “You have been through hell for years, but you’re free now. It’s time to think about your future and do all that you can to put your past behind you. You are in a new country, safe with Matt and you have a whole new life ahead of you. You are beautiful and smart, and you can do whatever you want to do. We’ll all support you, whatever you need. Matt, Jack and I are here for you no matter what comes.”

  “What about Phil? He’ll never just let me go! He’s coming, I know he is!”

  “I’m already tracking him Lucy. I will know the second he enters the states if he does.”

  “He will.”

  “Then we'll take care of him. He won’t hurt you ever again. you don’t need to be scared anymore.” Could it be true? Could it really be over? Rob sounded so certain that it was hard to do anything but believe him. Tears ran down my face as I let out the pain of years of hell. It was time to try and let it out so I could, as Rob had said put it behind me.

  ROB

  She was crying and I couldn’t bare the pain I saw pouring from her. Someone so breathtakingly beautiful and innocent should never have to deal with the devastation she had. I couldn’t hold back; I had to hold her and try to take some of the pain from her. I got to my feet, took off my jacket, and wrapped my arms tightly around her tiny frame. She collapsed into me, her entire body shaking with sobs. She buried her face into my chest, and I knew more than anything she just wanted and needed to feel safe. I perched on the edge of the bed and held her tighter. Neither of us spoke, she just sobbed, and I simply held her, letting her get some of the unspeakable pain out. She clung to me desperately, her tiny hands grabbing my arms and I longed to sweep her up and hold her fully, but I stopped myself that time. I wouldn’t do anything to scare her. I needed her to trust me because I needed to be there for her over the next few months. I felt such a pull towards her, a need to protect and care for her whatever it took. After about thirty minutes the sobs began to lessen, and I knew she was tiring. Still I held her until she managed to calm enough to sit up a little. Her red, puffy eyes met mine and I was relieved to see the pain that had filled her eyes seemed to have lifted somewhat.

  “I’m sorry. I bet you think I’m some kind of lunatic.” she whispered as she wiped her eyes. “I don’t usually have a nervous breakdown when I meet people!” I loved her spirit, to try and lighten the mood as she did despite what she was going through.

  “Well I don’t usually hug people I first meet either, but I guess this is special circumstances, huh? I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. You just looked so…...broken.”

  “You didn’t make me uncomfortable. You made me feel safe, so thank you.” her voice was so soft, and I loved her accent. It seemed stronger than Matt’s and only added to her beauty.

  “Anytime.” She laughed and I felt the need to be clear. “I mean it Lucy. Anytime you need me I will be there, whether you want to talk or you need something or even if you just need a shoulder to cry on, you call me, night or day.” I pulled out my card and wrote my home number above my cell.

  “Thank you.” she took the card from me and held it tightly.

  I sat with her, just chatting about anything and everything for another hour until eventually she could fight her heavy eyelids no longer and fell asleep.

  Matt finally walked in looking a lot more like himself about ten minutes later. He’d clearly showered, styled his hair and put on clean, presentable clothes.

  “Hey man.” I greeted.

  ‘Hi Rob. did Jack get called in?” He asked as he walked over and studied his sister.

  “Yeah, a while ago. A bus crash or something.”

  “Yeah, it’s chaos out there. Has she been ok?”

  “Yeah. She woke up screaming with a nightmare, but she handled it. We got to know each other a little and I think I wore her out. She fell asleep again about ten minutes ago.” I explained deciding not to mention the thirty minutes of sobbing. Lucy had needed the release and I didn’t want Matt making an issue out of it so she felt she couldn’t do it again.

  “Did she say anything…..about what happened I mean?”

  “No, but she is terrified he’s coming after her. I told her I’m tracking him. I think I put her mind at ease for a while at least.”

  “Thanks for staying with her.”

  “No problem man. Are you doing better?” He looked calmer and I knew it was a good start.

  “Yeah. I went home and punched the shit out of the punch bag then did 20k on the treadmill. It helped, I managed to cool down a bit.”

  “That’s good Matt. Just keep trying to work through it. It’s all you can do until she’s strong enough for us to turn our attention to her husband.”

  “I know, I will Rob, but Jesus! I can’t wait to fucking end him!”

  “You and me both!” I agreed. “Look, I gotta get to the office for a while. Are you good?” I wanted to steer Matt off of his revenge thoughts. I didn’t want him to lose it again. He assured me he would be fine, so I pulled on my jacket and left. I really did need to get to the office. I’d already missed two client meetings, not that I really cared. I would do anything to be there for Lucy, I just didn’t yet understand why I felt so strongly towards her.

  LUCY

  The next time I woke up I found Matt staring out of the window, his back to me. He had on clean clothes and I could see his hair was neatly styled as I was used to seeing, as opposed to the wild mess I had seen last time I woke up.

  “Matt?” He turned quickly and his eyes met mine, then he was smiling, and he looked so much calmer and less stressed than he had before. I was so relieved to see the brother I recognised and not the stressed, angry wild man who had
snapped at me earlier.

  “Hey, how are you feeling?” He asked as he walked towards me and took my hand. I studied his face, his smile seemed genuine this time and he had colour back in his face.

  “I’m ok Matt.” My voice was still pretty weak and hoarse from all of the crying I had done earlier with poor Rob. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be coming back to visit again any time soon. “You look so much better.”

  “I know. I was a state earlier. I’m sorry about that Darling. I’m back now, I promise.”

  “You’re allowed to fall apart a little you know. I shouldn’t have turned up as I did. It must have been such an awful shock for you. It’s me who should be sorry.”

  “Lucy, you did the right thing getting away from him. It was a shock, you’re right and I’m not going to pretend I’m not struggling with everything because I am. Seeing you hurt like this and knowing what he has done to you, what he’s put you through, it’s a lot to handle, but I will never be sorry you came here. You’re out of that hell now, that’s all that matters and that is the thought I have decided to try and focus on, at least for now.” The way he said he knew what Phil had done to me made me wonder if the doctors had discovered the rape too. That would certainly explain the state Matt had been in when I woke earlier. I took a deep breath and tried to breathe through the images I suddenly saw of Phil on top of me.

  “So, when can I get out of here?” I asked, just needing to change the subject.

  “Not for a while. You have two fractured ribs, a broken wrist and a lot of bruising. Your head is healing up nicely, as is your incision site from surgery. None of that is keeping you here, it’s your bloods. You’re severely anaemic, your electrolytes are off, and you are very malnourished. All of that is lowering your blood pressure and heart rate to worrying lows Darling.”

  “What does that all mean?” I asked, my fuzzy brain struggling to process everything.

  “It means we have a way to go to build you up and until we get you eating, drinking and moving around, we can’t leave here Lucy.” He said firmly.

  “I see.” I whispered. If getting out of the hospital depended on my eating then I knew I was going nowhere. Food did nothing but turn my stomach and that was the way it had been for some time. Somewhere along my awful journey I had come to view food as my enemy, the one aspect of my life I could control.

  “Lucy…...did he…..has he stopped you from eating?” I could tell Matt was worried about mentioning Phil at all, but I understood why he had to ask.

  “No, it wasn’t him. It was me. I stopped eating…….I stopped living Matt. I just gave up on everything. I couldn’t find the strength to keep trying……..I didn’t want to.’” Tears ran down my cheeks as I realised just how desperately low I had been. “I thought I didn’t want to live anymore. It was too hard…...too painful.’” I admitted.

  “Oh Darling” He sat on the bed beside me and pulled me into his side where I sobbed. “I’m so sorry I abandoned you. I should have at very least been on the other end of the phone for you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you get out.”

  “No. It’s better this way Matt. I got myself out and I needed that, I needed it to realise I was still somewhere deep down in the empty shell I had become. I know what has happened is bad and I know it’s going to take me time to deal with, but it has also made me so strong now. I’m not the terrified little girl I was when Mum and Dad died. I’m tough now. If I managed to escape Phil I can handle anything. Rob told me I have to start thinking about my future Matt and he’s right. The last three years have been the stuff of nightmares, but here, with you, away from Phil, I have a future and I want to get out and grab it with both hands, if you’ll have me here that is?”

  “Of course I’ll bloody have you here. It’s all I’ve wanted since we lost Mum and Dad. I’m never letting you out of my reach again Lucy.” He said with a huge smile.

  “Good, because I don’t want you to. I want to be with you Matt.” I agreed.

  “Then we start moving forward?”

  “Absolutely, I can’t wait!”

  “Brilliant! I know just where to start. I’ll be back in a minute.” And with that he was gone. I forced myself to move through the pain and sit up, then I just waited to see what Matt would walk back in with. He returned a few minutes later with a tray of food and my heart sank.

  “Dinner!” He announced as he placed it down in front of me. I studied the plate, some kind of chicken and some terribly overcooked vegetables.

  “I can’t.” I whimpered, tears in my eyes.

  “You can Darling. You have to. If we really are going to move forward you have to start eating again.”

  “It’s been so long though….I’ve been surviving on so little…..nothing substantial for nearly a year. This…..it’s too much.”

  “Just try Lucy, for me? Please? Just a little chicken maybe?” I was so close to full blown sobs again. I didn’t want to let Matt down, I wanted to try for him, but just the thought of the terrible smelling food in my mouth made me want to vomit. I looked down at the tray again. The meal looked awful, I didn’t think I could face any of it, but there was a yoghurt on the tray too. I took a deep calming breath.

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t face any of that.” I admitted as I pushed the plate away. “I’ll try the yoghurt though…...is that ok?”

  “Of course it is.” Matt moved the tray away from me and just kept the yoghurt and spoon. He opened it for me and handed it over. I ate the first tiny spoonful very tentatively. The sweet taste exploded my taste buds which had tasted nothing other than unflavoured porridge and cheap powdered soups for months and months. Just opening my mouth was painful because of the bruising and swelling around my jaw, but I pushed on, seeing the desperation in Matt’s face. I ate about half of it before I admitted defeat and handed it back to him.

  “That’s a good start Darling. Well done.” He beamed and I was glad I had appeased him somewhat at least.

  “It wasn’t as bad as I thought, I suppose.” I admitted.

  “You see. We’ll have you strong again in no time.”

  “I hope so. I really want to get out of here Matt.”

  “We will Darling as soon as we can. I promise.” He brushed a reassuring hand across my cheek, and I felt so safe and cared for. “You should rest now. You look exhausted again.”

  “Ok, but you should go home too Matt. You need to sleep as well.” I pointed out.

  “I’ll sleep here Darling. I’ll be fine. Stop worrying about me and concentrate on you, ok?” He helped me shuffle down and as soon as I lay down my eyes were closing once again. I wanted to stay awake and tell Matt I was fine on my own so he could go home and come back in the morning, but I was asleep before I could utter a syllable.

  MATT

  A few days later I was at home changing after another killer workout. Letting my aggression out on the punch bag and treadmill seemed to be the only way to keep a rein on my rage over everything that had happened. I pulled on clean jeans and a pressed t-shirt and made my way out to the kitchen to get something to eat before I headed back to take over from Jack at Lucy’s bedside. She was getting stronger and I was relieved to know she would be coming home soon.

  I made a quick sandwich and collapsed back on the sofa to try and relax for ten minutes while I ate it. I was exhausted since I had spent every night at the hospital with Lucy, afraid to leave her with the terrible nightmares she was overcome with each time she slept.

  I sat back and then noticed the rucksack Lucy had arrived at my place with tucked down the side of the sofa. I had been there so little since she had arrived that I hadn’t even noticed it before. I opened it up and looked through the meagre contents. A few clothes, all from cheap shops and heavily worn. I knew Lucy would never have chosen such frumpy looking clothes. She had two changes of clothes and a few items of underwear, which I quickly averted my eyes from, and the rest of the bag was photos from our childhood, photos of our family, our parents and the two of us
as kids. I took them out and went through to put them in a drawer in the spare room, which would now be Lucy’s. I then went back to the lounge and threw the rest of the bag, with all of her clothes in, away, with a sense of fulfilment that I had got rid of a small part of Phil’s control. She would never need anything that monster bought her again.

  I called Jack to ensure he was able to sit with Lucy a little longer and when he agreed, I tugged on my boots and heavy wool coat, grabbed my wallet, mobile and car keys and left determined to come back with everything that Lucy would need to start over. New things for a new life, that’s what she needed.

  It took me ten minutes to get into the city and find a space to park. I headed straight to Bloomingdales and to the personal shopper department. I didn’t intend on picking out underwear and clothing for my sister, I would have someone who knew what they were doing, do it for me. I gave the young assistant all of Lucy’s sizes, which I had noted from her bag before I threw everything out and explained I wanted her to have the basics she would need for the next couple of weeks, including makeup and toiletries. She nodded eagerly, obviously clocking up her commission with every item I mentioned and then she hurried off excitedly. I took a seat in the waiting area with a coffee and worked through my work emails on my mobile for a while.

  About forty-five minutes later the girl appeared with a rail filled with clothes and another girl with a separate basket filled with makeup and toiletries.

  She invited me to look through. I very quickly looked down the rail to check there was nothing Lucy would hate and then told them to bag it all up and add in a holdall, cosmetic bags and several pairs of comfortable shoes. I was brought the card terminal a short while later. I was surprised by the balance, they could have had me spend much more than that, but it was a start for Lucy and when she was up to it, I’d bring her shopping to choose her own things. I entered my pin number and collected six huge bags from the counter. Maybe having everything new would give Lucy a little boost and make her realise this was just the beginning of her new life. I hoped so because more than anything I just wanted to see her smile.