by Barbara Goss
Susannah just stared at him. It gave him a chill to see her look at him like that.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Will you forgive me? There's only one person I can think of who’d want to hurt you, and that's Cecilia, but she's supposed to be in Oberlin.”
“I’ll try to forgive you,” she said, “but I can’t hide my disappointment in you.”
Carter rubbed his face with his hands. “I don’t blame you for that. I’m so sorry, Susannah. I’ll try to find out if Cecilia is in town and when I find her‒”
“You'll do what?” Susannah asked.
“I’m not sure. Why would Cecilia try to scare you, or try to see you institutionalized?”
“To get rid of me so she can have you all to herself.”
“Do you really think she’d go that far?” he asked.
“I don’t know her as well as you do. You tell me.”
“She’s wasting her time. I'd never go back to her, even if I hadn't met you. Cecilia was the biggest mistake of my life,” he said.
Susannah wondered if she should tell Carter she knew where Cecilia was staying, but then thought against it. He’d only go there, get into an argument with her, and then she’d be more fired up than she already was.
She wasn't yet sure how she was going to handle the situation, but she knew she’d keep confiding in Meg until she learned more. Only then would she tell Carter. He already had enough to worry about with the new business.
Carter reached for her, pulled her closer, and gazed at her lovingly.
“Let’s go upstairs, Susannah,” he said, making love to her with his eyes.
She hesitated before answering him‒what would their making love solve? She was still disappointed in her husband for not believing her, but she did want their marriage to remain as it had been. The question was, how could it? How could she respond to him in that way when she was still so disappointed in him?
“You go. I’ll be up soon,” she said.
“Susannah, please. I’m sorry,” Carter said. “You have to understand: I’m a doctor who specializes in mental illness, so it stands to reason my first thought was that you were having visions or hallucinations, as it's very common in patients who’ve suffered what you have. I don’t love you any less for it. In fact, it makes me feel even more protective of you.” He tried to hug her, but she pulled away.
“I planned to treat you here, at home. I'd never allow you to go back to that place, ever.”
He stood. She watched as he walked over to his desk in the corner of the room and take something out of the drawer. He walked back to her, held out his hand, and dropped a bottle in her lap.
“I even bought laudanum to help you,” he said, sitting back down on the sofa beside her.
Susannah turned the bottle over in her hands, then looked at him and gave him a small, trembling smile.
“You promise? You’ll never send me back there, no matter what?”
“I give you my word. However, I couldn’t give you the medicine before I knew for sure if you were increasing,” he said. “Susannah! I could never part with you. If you were ever to have problems again, you have a built-in doctor here, to care for you.” He kissed her lips lightly.
“I assure you, I’m fine. Being scared isn’t the same as being in shock or being mentally ill. Even those two Indians couldn’t possibly re-enact what I witnessed in the cornfield. What I saw, what I felt, on top of losing every person in the world that I loved was just a bit more than I could handle at the time.”
Carter stood and gently pulled Susannah to her feet. He scooped her up and carried her up the stairs, kissing her passionately the whole time. His kisses made her forget the Indians, forget that he hadn’t believed her, and she responded to meet his passion.
She was sure things would go back to normal for them.
Chapter 8
For the next week, Carter insisted she accompany him on all of his house calls. At first, she enjoyed seeing him work with the animals, especially the horses. After a few days of going on house calls, she yearned to be home playing with Penny, knitting, or doing anything but watching Carter administer medicine, apply splints, and give shots. The work she usually did after he left for his house calls was suffering, too. The rooms weren’t getting cleaned and the bookkeeping wasn’t being done.
At dinner, after her sixth day of tagging after Carter on his calls, she decided to discuss the situation with him. Effie had made a delicious dinner of shepherd’s pie, followed by a delightful fruit dish.
Carter and Susannah took their tea in the sitting room. As usual, Carter escorted her to the sofa and sat as close to her as he could get.
“Carter, do you think I could stop accompanying you on your afternoon calls?” she asked.
“No, I want you with me every minute, at least until we find out who's trying to scare you. I still haven’t found out whether Cecilia is still in town and if she is, where she’s staying,” he said as he sipped the hot tea. “I haven’t had time, actually. Maybe I’ll check the hotels on Sunday.”
“I think I know where she’s staying.” Susannah set her cup down. “Meg and I did some nosing around last week. There’s a Cilia Hill checked into the Homan Hotel.”
“You went there?” he asked, surprise evident on his face.
“We did. We think it might be her, but we didn’t see her.”
“I’ll go there tomorrow and find out for sure,” Carter said, setting his cup down none too gently. “I’ll make sure she never bothers you again.”
“It might not be her. It just seemed coincidental that the names would be that similar,” Susannah said.
“I’ve never been so sorry for anything in my whole life as I am having messed with the Hillman family, including Hope,” he said bitterly.
“But you were betrothed to Hope,” she said.
“She was a sweet girl and all, but now that I’ve met you…” he stopped before finishing.
“What are you saying? You aren’t sorry Hope died?”
“No, I’d never say that,” Carter said, thoughtfully. “I just didn’t know what love felt like then. I didn’t know the thrill of being with someone you love with your whole being. I’d like to think that, had she lived, I'd have realized my feelings before actually tying the knot.” He shrugged. “Let’s just say it wasn’t meant to be.”
“Why doesn’t Cecilia just find someone else, someone who would love her? Why is she continuing to chase after someone who's made it clear he isn’t interested?” She stopped and looked up at him. “You have, haven’t you?”
“Clear as a bell,” Carter said.
“Then I’m confused.” If Cecilia knew there was no chance of Carter loving her, why did she want to see her back in the institution? It didn’t make sense.
“I'm as befuddled as you are,” he said.
Susannah put her arms around his neck. “I don’t want you to go and see her.”
Carter kissed the tip of her nose. “I have to.”
“I’m afraid it will just incite her further.”
“I promise you, Susannah, I will put a stop to her games.”
“How?”
“I’ll think of something.”
“The bookkeeping hasn’t been done and the rooms at the clinic aren’t getting cleaned‒I really can’t accompany you on your calls anymore.”
“I could help you do those chores and then take you with me,” he suggested.
“No, you go‒I’ll be fine. I just won’t open the door for anyone. The clinic's closed, the hours are clearly posted, and I'll just ignore anyone who knocks on the door.” She looked up at his worried face and kissed the frown lines on his forehead. “I promise.”
“All right, then. You could probably talk me into anything, but you know that, don’t you?” Carter stood and pulled her up with him.
“I love you so much, Susannah. You have no worries on that score, ever,” he nibbled playfully at her neck. “I want to protect you and give you freedom at the
same time. I’m not sure I can do both, but I’ll try.”
“I love being protected, but more than that, I need you to believe in me and just be there for me,” she said, resting her forehead on his chest. She felt disappointed in Carter when he failed to believe she’d seen the Indians, but she could understand how, with his mental health training, he might think she’d imagined them. Now they were back where they were before, romantically, and she loved every moment she spent with him. She loved him so much.
She put her arms around his waist and hugged him. “Let’s go upstairs,” she whispered
“You wish is my command,” he said as he scooped her up and carried her up the stairs.
Carter set out for his afternoon visits, leaving Susannah at the clinic with explicit instructions not to let anyone in and to go directly home when she finished her chores. He delayed his first house call in order to pay a visit to the Homan Hotel.
The clerk at the hotel told him Miss Hill was in room 22 and he gave him directions. Carter still wasn’t sure what he planned to say to her. He’d just play it by ear, he supposed.
He knocked on the door several times before it finally opened a crack. Two eyes peered out at him, suddenly widening with shock. She opened the door wider.
“Carter!” she gasped. “How did you find me?”
Carter pushed past her and into her room. He stood with his hands on his hips.
“You will leave me and Susannah alone, do you hear?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Carter gazed around the room as she spoke and laughed as he noticed something colorful on the nightstand. He walked over and picked the object up. “Oh, look: an Indian band with a feather in it. The least you could have done is to hide it.”
“It’s a souvenir,” she said.
He glanced down at the floor. “What, another band?” He laughed. “Two souvenirs?”
“Yes.”
“I bet if I looked harder I’d find the war paint, too,” he said.
Cecilia backed up until she was standing in front of a desk.
Carter pushed her out of the way and opened the desk drawer.
“War paint and extra feathers. More souvenirs?”
Cecilia stood silently.
Carter moved as close to her as he could safely get, and put his index finger in front of her face.
“If you ever try and scare Susannah again, I’ll see to it the law knows you had a hand in killing your stepsister, Hope,” he growled.
“You can’t prove it.”
“Are you sure?” he asked. “I’ve heard there were witnesses—neighbors, and the doctor.”
“My mother confessed to the whole thing. You have nothing on me,” she snapped.
“Wait and see,” he said.
“And furthermore,” he continued, his finger still in her face. “Even if you were successful in scaring Susannah into a crisis, I would never send her back to the institution. She’s my wife, I love her, and I’d take care of her myself. You’re wasting your time.”
Cecilia glared at him.
“If Susannah died tomorrow, you’d be the last person in the world I’d turn to. You and I, Cecilia, will never ever happen. Give it up, go home, find yourself a nice man, and forget all about Susannah and me.”
“I want you to leave,” she said.
“Go back to St. Louis,” he said, turning toward the door. “I hope this is the last time I see you.” He opened the door and closed it behind him.
Susannah finished her chores, locked up, and rode home in her buggy. With their increased earnings resulting from the business, Carter had been able to employ a man to work in the stable, and do yard work and odd jobs. His name was Otto. He was a middle-aged man with balding hair and a pleasant smile. He took Susannah’s buggy from her and she hurried into the house.
Penny ran to the door to greet her. Susannah picked her up and hugged her. She put Penny down and walked through the long hall to the kitchen.
“I’m home, Effie,” she called.
Effie was in the process of removing a pie from the oven. She set it gingerly down on the counter.
“Welcome home, Mrs. Harding, I’ve just baked you and the mister a nice cherry pie.”
“It smells heavenly.”
“Someone’s at the door,” Effie said. “Shall I see who it is for you?”
Susannah noted Effie’s flour coated apron and the dab of flour on her nose.
“No, relax, Effie. I’ll see who it is.”
Susannah walked back through the sitting room and into the foyer, and peeked around the curtain on the window. She couldn’t believe her eyes. Without thinking she opened the door wide.
“Ben!” She put her arms around him and gave him a loose, but warm, hug.
Ben returned the hug.
“It’s so good to see you, Susannah. May I come in?” he asked.
“Of course.” As he entered she said, “You know I’m married to Dr. Harding, don’t you?”
“I did hear that,” he said.
“Won’t you have a seat? Would you like some tea?” Susannah asked.
“No, thank you. I just came to see how you were doing and to…” he looked downward, “apologize for what I did the last time we saw each other. I don’t know what got into me.”
“I’m willing to forget it if you are,” she said.
“Thank you, Susannah,” he said. “Are you and Dr. Harding happy?”
“Yes. Very happy,” she said.
“I guess I should cross marrying you off my to-do list, then,” he said with a shy smile.
“You should.”
Ben gazed around the room. “Nice house.”
“I love it,” she said, reaching down to scoop Penny up. “This is Penny.”
“She’s pretty, but I’m allergic to cats.”
“I’m sorry. Shall I put her in another room?”
“No. I need to leave before your husband comes home,” he said, rising from the sofa. “I just stopped by to see how you were doing. No more episodes?”
Susannah wondered if she should tell him about her scare, but decided against it. The fewer people who knew about the incident, the better.
“No, I’m fine now, thanks to Carter.”
Susannah walked him to the front door.
“I guess this is goodbye, then. I’ll probably go to Independence and live with my brother and his family for a while,” Ben said. He put his arms out.
Susannah didn’t want to refuse a hug from an old friend, so she moved into his arms just as the door opened, causing them to move away from the door, but Ben kept his arms still wrapped around Susannah.
“Carter! Look who’s come to visit,” she managed the words without sounding as guilty as she felt.
“Ben.” Carter nodded at him with a frown.
“I was just leaving.” Ben scurried out of the house and down the walk to his waiting horse.
Carter closed the door. “Susannah, how can you hug a man who tried to rape you?”
He sounded angry, but Susannah knew she’d done nothing wrong, so she didn’t cower or apologize. She stood tall and answered him.
“He apologized and I accepted it. He helped me get through a very difficult time and I couldn’t turn my back on him because he made one mistake.”
“I see,” Carter said with an expression on his face she’d never seen before. “But you had no problem turning me away when I doubted you’d seen two Indians, mid-afternoon, in the middle of Elm Street.” Carter turned and walked up the stairs. She heard their bedroom door close, none too gently.
Chapter 9
Susannah knew immediately that she’d made a huge mistake. How could she have forgiven Ben for physically attacking her and not her own husband when he hadn’t believed her? She sat down on the sofa and rubbed her temples. Her heart went out to Carter. How terrible he must feel. How could she ever make this up to him?
Her first urge was to run upstairs and throw herself at his
mercy, but she felt too guilty to do even that. How could she even begin to validate her actions? Why had she been so happy to see Ben and forgive him? What made her do that? The only thing she could think of was that it was because he was a familiar face during a bad time. He was the shelter during the storm, but hadn't that also been what Carter was to her?
Finally, she walked slowly up the stairs, entered the dark bedroom, and undressed. She crawled into their bed—the bed that had once held such wonderful memories now felt like a hostile place. Carter’s back was to her and she dared not touch him because if he were still awake he might demand an explanation, and she had none to offer.
As she lay in bed trying to calm down enough to fall asleep, it finally dawned on her why she'd been more willing to forgive Ben than Carter. She loved Carter; she couldn't say the same for Ben, so what Ben did had no real bearing on her anymore. Carter’s actions did, however. It was the best excuse she could think of.
She wondered how she should act with him in the morning and at the clinic.
To Susannah’s surprise, Carter seemed less angry in the morning. He wasn’t his usual cheerful self, but he wasn’t frowning or rude. Susannah had wanted to broach the subject so many times during breakfast, to apologize or explain, but she hesitated, lest she spoil his mood.
“By the way,” he said, “I visited Cecilia yesterday and I doubt she’ll be planning anymore Indian raids. She had two Indian headbands and a drawer full of war paint in her room.”
“So now you know for sure that I saw what I thought were real Indians,” she said.
“Yes, but I’d already come to that conclusion myself after our heart-to-heart talk.
“If we hurry, we can make the clinic before today’s patients arrive,” he said, rising from the table and moving to the front door.
During the clinic's hours, Carter was polite and business-like, but the love that usually glowed in his eyes was missing, and it left Susannah brokenhearted. What had she done?
