This Changes Everything

by Helen Mcginn

  He sat down next to her. ‘What if they decide to look for him?’

  ‘Well, that’s up to them. I made a promise that I never would. That was my part of the deal.’

  ‘But that promise was to your mother. She’s not here any more.’

  ‘Yes, but I promised. Besides, Aunt Tessa always told me that if, one day, he wanted to come and find me he would. And not a single day goes by when I don’t think of him. What happened to him, where he might be… Actually, all I hope for is that he is healthy and happy, wherever he is. And that he’s loved. That someone loves him.’

  Patrick squeezed her hand gently. ‘I know.’

  ‘Now come on, we came here for Richard.’

  ‘So we did. Right…’ He stood up and looked around. ‘Let’s try not to get caught spreading our friend’s ashes in a public park.’ He took the metal flask from his canvas rucksack and started unscrewing the lid.

  Julia slowly got to her feet, peered over the wall. ‘Well, he’s got a clear run if you do it now.’

  Patrick tipped the container upside down over the side. A thin, steady stream of grey dust poured out towards a small patch of grass below.

  ‘Rest in peace, my friend.’ Patrick spoke quietly. A nosy sparrow hopped onto the wall, clearly hoping there might be some crumbs to pick at. ‘Sorry, dear fellow, it’s not food.’

  The last traces of dust fell from the flask, drifting down to the earth below. They stood for a moment, listening to the sounds of the city as it woke to a new day. A few scooters and cars now passed on the road down below as the Romani made their way to work.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Julia touched his arm lightly.

  ‘I just miss him, that’s all.’

  ‘I know. You were a good friend.’

  ‘He was a good friend to me too. He just took life as it came. That summer, after Cornwall, Richard was… there. For me, I mean. We never really spoke about it but I knew that he knew. And that was enough.’

  ‘You’re right. Sometimes that really is enough. Come on, let’s go and find some coffee, something to eat.’ Julia took the empty flask from Patrick, placing it in her straw basket.

  Together, they climbed the steps and walked hand in hand slowly back through the still deserted park.

  At first they didn’t notice the woman sitting with her back to the wall. But she noticed them. As Julia and Patrick walked into the caffè, Jess’s instinct was to head for the door. But she was yet to pay for her coffee. And if she bolted without paying she knew she’d feel even worse, especially since the staff had been so kind.

  With her mother at the other end of the long bar, Jess reached slowly for her bag, hoping she had a note in there allowing her to place it on the saucer under her now empty coffee cup and leave. But as she reached for her bag, her glasses fell from her head onto the floor, clattering loudly onto the tiles. Patrick turned to pick them up, catching Jess’s eye as he did so.

  Jess motioned to him to keep quiet but it was too late.

  ‘Jess, darling, what are you doing here?’ Her mother was heading towards her, the two men at the end watching with sudden interest. Elena ducked her head and disappeared behind the till.

  ‘Oh, hi, Mum. I just decided to, you know, come out for an early walk.’ Jess took her glasses from Patrick, putting them back on her head. She felt about twelve years old, caught with her hand in the biscuit tin.

  ‘In last night’s dress?’ Julia raised an eyebrow.

  ‘OK, but it’s not what it looks like. I lost Annie…’

  ‘You left the restaurant…’

  ‘You started having a go at me…’

  ‘How about you order an extra coffee, Julia, and we’ll join you for another, Jess?’

  Jess looked at Patrick, surprised by the intervention but grateful nonetheless. She just didn’t have the energy to argue any more.

  ‘Good idea, you two go and sit back down, I’ll be over in a minute.’ Julia turned back to the man behind the bar and ordered one more coffee.

  ‘Thank you, Patrick. And I’m so sorry, I don’t think you were counting on this when you asked Mum to come here with you.’

  ‘Honestly, it’s fine. It’s funny because I can see so much of her in you. When she was younger, I mean. You are very similar.’

  ‘Is that a good thing?’ It was Jess’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

  ‘It’s a very good thing. You are both wonderful people.’ Patrick laughed softly. ‘But it’s why you two can’t argue properly. It’s like arguing against yourself.’

  ‘Really?’ Jess had never really thought about it like that before. ‘But she’s just so judgemental with me. You know, “typical Jess…”’ She rolled her eyes for effect. ‘I know I’ll never be perfect enough.’

  ‘You are absolutely enough. And none of us is perfect.’

  Julia arrived back at the table, easing herself into the seat next to Patrick, carrying two coffees. Patrick got up to pick up the third steaming cup from the bar.

  ‘What’s your plan today, Mum?’

  ‘Well, I think we’re going to…’ Julia turned to see Patrick drain his coffee cup in one quick gulp before placing it back on the saucer.

  ‘I’ll see you back at the guesthouse, the coffees are paid for,’ he said, putting his hand on Julia’s shoulder. He smiled at them both before slipping out of the door.

  ‘Where’s he off to?’ Jess turned to watch him cross the road.

  Julia knew that was the nudge she needed. ‘Darling, there’s something I want to talk to you about. To you both, actually.’ She felt her stomach drop to the floor.

  ‘What? What is it? Please don’t tell me you’re ill…’

  ‘No, nothing like that, I’m absolutely fine. But there is something about my past that I’ve never told you. It involves Patrick. And it was a very long time ago…’

  ‘You were married!’ Jess cried out. ‘I knew it. I knew there was more to it.’

  ‘No, not married.’ Julia took a sip of her coffee, picked up the small spoon and turned it over, staring at the reflection in the back. Her throat seemed to tighten, her fingers pressing heavily on the cool silver in her hand. She closed her eyes for a second, took a breath. Maybe she should wait until Annie was there, too? But Julia knew if she didn’t tell Jess now, she might never pluck up the courage to say anything about it at all. ‘Darling, Patrick and I had a son.’ She bought her eyes up to meet Jess.

  ‘What?’ Jess’s voice was barely a whisper. ‘When?’

  ‘It was a long time ago. We were very young. I was sixteen, almost seventeen, he was nineteen.’

  ‘How? I mean, do you know him? Have you met him?’

  ‘No, I haven’t. And neither has Patrick. In those days, being pregnant out of wedlock was, well, it wasn’t really…’ Julia trailed off.

  ‘So was he adopted?’

  ‘Yes, he was. And I can’t tell you where he is now because I honestly don’t know. But I want to tell you what happened because I don’t want to keep it a secret any more. Seeing Patrick, Richard’s ashes, seeing you both here… it’s made me realise that I have to tell you the truth. Before it’s too late.’

  ‘Mum, you promise me you’re not dying or anything, because this all feels very… final.’

  ‘I promise you, darling. I’m fine. It’s just that I’ve kept this to myself for years. I put what happened away in a box. And I thought I’d never have to look inside that particular box again. But seeing you girls both here, how much I love you, I realise that keeping it from you isn’t fair. All I can do is tell you the truth. What you choose to do with it is up to you. And Annie, of course.’

  ‘Oh God, Annie.’ Jess reached for her phone. ‘I must call her; tell her where I am. She’ll be awake now. And I really don’t want her to know…’ She ran out of words.

  ‘That you didn’t come back last night? Look, Jess. What you do is your choice, no one else’s. I know your sister has a way of making you feel like you’re doing the wrong thing but I’m sure she ha
s your best interests at heart. As I do.’

  ‘I know, Mum.’ Jess sighed a long sigh, picked up her coffee cup and drained it. ‘Thing is, I know she’s right. She’s bloody annoying like that.’

  ‘I know.’ Julia smiled across the table at her daughter, reaching for her hand. ‘So, why don’t we walk back now, you can go to your hotel and freshen up and we can meet a bit later, before you head back. I can tell you both at the same time. About your brother, I mean.’

  ‘Really? Can’t we talk about this more now? I mean, I want to know what happened. You can’t just leave it at that.’

  ‘And I will tell you everything, Jess. But I would rather do it when we’re with Annie too, so you can hear it together.

  ‘Why don’t you come back with me to the hotel now? We can get Annie and go and find somewhere to talk.’

  Julia looked at Jess, her daughter’s eyes pooled with tears. ‘If we go back via our guesthouse I can leave a message for Patrick, let him know what time to meet me later.’

  ‘Sounds good.’ Jess wiped at her eyes quickly, then shoved the dark glasses back on and turned to wave her thanks to Elena at the till. She saw her watching a TV positioned just behind it, showing a football match. The camera cut to the pundits in a brightly lit studio. Jess squinted. The face on screen, talking animatedly to the other presenters, looked frighteningly familiar. She lifted her glasses back on to her head. ‘Oh my God…’

  ‘Yes, eez Vito!’ cried Elena, pointing at the television. ‘Your friend.’ She drew out that last word longer than she really needed to. ‘He is, how you say…’

  ‘On television.’ Jess could not take her eyes from the screen. The bright studio lights seemed to sharpen his features, giving him cheekbones as chiselled as any of the ones she’d seen on statues the day before. He looked devastatingly handsome, even if his suit was a little on the shiny side.

  ‘Vito used to play, ’ee was a great footballer.’ Elena winked at Jess. ‘But now, ’ee does this. This was yesterday afternoon. I love heem.’

  Looks like it, thought Jess, wondering if Elena had ever woken up in that same bed she had this morning.

  ‘And ’ee ’as a nice wife.’

  Jessica felt sick.

  ‘Kids, too. They live in the country but they come and visit sometimes. I ’ave met them in ’ere.’ Elena didn’t take her eyes off the screen as she spoke.

  Jess felt a lurch in her stomach. ‘Yes, I’m sure he has.’ She lowered her glasses onto her face once more.

  Julia moved towards the door. If she had figured out what was going on, she wasn’t letting on. Jess just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible but her feet felt like stone.

  ‘Come on, darling. Let’s get going.’ Julia gently put her arm around her daughter and led her out into the cool air. They crossed the road and walked along the wide tree-lined pavement towards the bridge. The now cloudless sky gave them a heads up at the hot day ahead.

  Jess stopped walking and turned to her mother. ‘Mum, what’s wrong with me?’ Her voice was small.

  ‘Nothing. Nothing at all, my darling. You are just not as happy as you could be at the moment, that’s all. I promise you, things will get better. Just talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.’

  ‘I just feel like… I know people think I have everything I could wish for – the big job, life sorted – but the truth is, I’m lonely. And I want someone to love. Someone that loves me for who I am, not what they think I am. I had that. And I pushed it away.’

  ‘Ben?’

  ‘Yes, of course Ben.’

  ‘But that was a long time ago. You’ve both moved on.’

  ‘No, he’s moved on. I feel I’m exactly where he left me. Except now I realise I was stupid to ever leave him in the first place. Oh, Mum, I’m such an idiot!’

  ‘Jess, you’re not. It’s just that sometimes we don’t appreciate what we’ve got until we haven’t got it any more. That doesn’t make you an idiot. It makes you human. What you need to do is figure out what you’re going to do about it.’

  ‘I know.’ They stood in the middle of the bridge, looking down at the moving Tiber below. Jess lifted her face to the sky, filling her lungs with warm Roman air until she felt she couldn’t fit any more in. She sighed a long, heavy sigh.

  Julia squeezed Jess’s hand between hers. ‘Darling, it’s never too late.’

  10

  Annie looked at the breakfast buffet laid out before her, wondering who on earth would choose to eat cold meats first thing in the morning. She plumped for a sad-looking croissant. Disappointing by Roman standards, she thought. Still, it made a change from a few cold crusts of toast and a lukewarm cup of tea.

  She picked a small table in the corner of the room and sat down facing the window. Glancing at her phone, she couldn’t decide whether she was more angry or worried that her sister had taken off into the night. She looked at her last unanswered text.

  Please let me know you’re ok.

  Annie picked at the dry, papery croissant. The waiter brought a large cup of weak black coffee to the table accompanied by a small basket filled with little plastic tubs of milk. With that, she smiled apologetically at him. ‘Actually, I think I’m going to go out for coffee. But thank you, I’m sorry to waste it.’

  The young waiter smiled. ‘Is a better idea, I think. The coffee here is terrible. Don’t say I said that.’

  ‘Of course not, thank you.’ Annie moved out of her chair, gathered up her phone and key and headed back to the lifts by the front entrance. Standing there, pressing the button, was Jess.

  Annie gently tapped her on the shoulder. ‘Hey! Why didn’t you answer me? I’ve been so worried!’ Looking at Jess’s face, Annie decided to change tack. ‘And I am so sorry for saying the things I did.’

  Jess looked at the floor. ‘No, I’m sorry, Annie. I shouldn’t have made out that you’re the lucky one.’ She looked up. ‘But I had to get out of there. I couldn’t face hearing it again from Mum, from you…’ Fat tears began to fall from Jess’s eyes.

  Annie threw her arms around her sister. ‘I’m so sorry. I just don’t want you to be unhappy.’

  Jess squeezed her sister hard, letting the tears come.

  The lift door opened with a ping, depositing a couple of tourists into the lobby. The doors closed again, leaving the sisters where they were.

  ‘Annie, Mum’s got something to tell us…’

  ‘Oh my God, is she OK? Is she—’

  ‘No, she’s not ill. She’s fine. But she’s here…’ Jess looked over towards the hotel foyer. There, sitting in a red armchair by the side of the door was Julia. Annie waved.

  ‘What? How come she’s here? I’m really confused.’

  ‘I bumped into her earlier this morning. She and Patrick had gone to the park with Richard’s ashes.’

  ‘Oh my goodness, I’d forgotten about poor Richard. Was she OK?’

  ‘Yes, she was absolutely fine. But she’s got something to tell us both. I think being here with Patrick… I don’t know. I’ll leave it to her. Anyway, give me fifteen minutes.’ Jess motioned to her dress. ‘Just want to have a really quick shower and change.’

  ‘OK, be quick. I’ll come up with you and get my bag.’ Annie motioned across to Julia, pointing upstairs. Julia did a thumbs-up back at Annie. The sisters stepped into the lift together, Annie sensing Jess’s fury from the night before had completely dissipated. The doors shut with the now familiar ping.

  ‘So, what’s the big secret?’ Annie looked at her sister.

  ‘Let Mum tell you. I think she wants to. I promise you it’s nothing bad but it does explain a lot, I think. Patrick, this trip…’ Jess ran her fingers through her long hair, pulling it into a knot on the top of her head.

  ‘Promise I shouldn’t be worried?’

  ‘I promise. Give me ten minutes then come and knock on my door. We’ll go down together.’

  Julia sat in the chair, watching people come and go through the front door. Tourists ambled, starin
g at their phones. Others walked at pace and with purpose, on their way to meetings in this anonymous hotel, Julia supposed. She thought about the conversation that lay ahead of her. Her stomach tightened, her hands felt hot. But in her bones she knew this was the right thing to do.

  She closed her eyes. There she was, standing in front of her, wearing a pair of thick-soled black shoes with tight laces. Moving her eyes slowly up, Julia took in the woman’s blue uniform, like a matron’s outfit. Everything else was blurred but those shoes were for ever imprinted in her memory. There was silence. Then a wail, but it wasn’t a baby’s cry. It was Julia, in the bedroom of Aunt Tessa’s house. The baby was silent, sleeping, wrapped in a pale cream crocheted blanket.

  ‘Mum? Are you OK?’ Julia opened her eyes and smiled. Her two daughters stood over her, concern in their faces.

  ‘Yes, darlings, I’m fine. But I do need some fresh air. Shall we go?’

  Stepping through the revolving doors out into the already warm air, the sisters took an arm each and the three of them headed back towards the Eternal City.

  They sat at a blue tablecloth-topped table outside a small café, the sisters on one side, Julia on the other, three steaming coffees between them. The narrow street was quiet compared to the morning rush hour buzz of people and vehicles they’d navigated on their walk in.

  Julia picked up her spoon, stirred some sugar into her coffee. She took a deep breath and started to talk.

  ‘I want you both to know that what I’m about to tell you is something that I’ve always wanted to share with you. But I felt, for years, that it was best not to. For all sorts of reasons, but mostly to protect you, to keep your lives as you knew them.’

  ‘Mum, please just say what it is. I feel like I’m going to be sick.’ Annie couldn’t hide the slight irritation from her voice.

  ‘When I was young, really young – seventeen – I had a baby. A son. Patrick was the father.’ Julia forced her gaze upwards to look her daughters in the eye.