This Changes Everything

by Helen Mcginn

  A beat, then Annie’s words tumbled out. ‘What? I don’t believe this. You’ve got a son? So, what happened? Where is he? Do you know him?’

  ‘No, I don’t know where he is. I haven’t seen him or had any contact since the day he was taken from me.’

  ‘How old was he?’ Jess reached across the table to take her mother’s hand.

  ‘He was six weeks old. I was allowed to have him for six weeks. Then I had to give him away.’

  ‘What… what happened?’ Annie asked again.

  ‘Annie, let her—’

  ‘Jess, you already knew about this. I want to know, too,’ snapped Annie.

  ‘Annie, that’s all I told Jess, just this morning. What I’m about to tell you both, I’ve never told anyone before. Not even Patrick.’ Julia turned her coffee cup in its saucer.

  ‘I fell in love with Patrick when I was sixteen. He was nineteen. I was staying with my Aunt Tessa for the summer. She was Granny’s sister and completely different from Granny. She was an artist and she lived alone in Cornwall. I used to go and stay with her every summer when I was little. Anyway, I’d known Patrick as a family friend for years but this was different. I know I was young but I also thought I’d met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.’ Julia closed her eyes, just for a moment.

  ‘Anyway, we… I… well, I was obviously not quite as grown up as I thought I was. After the holidays finished Patrick went back to university. I went back to your grandparents’ house. We were writing letters to each other every week, great long letters planning our future. Together we were going to travel the world. I was working at the shop when I noticed my uniform was getting tight. I know it sounds ridiculous but it took me a while to figure it out, but when I did, I was terrified.’

  ‘God, Mum. What did you do?’ Jess squeezed her mother’s hand.

  ‘I wrote to Aunt Tessa and told her. I was too scared to tell Granny. A few weeks later I was on a train back to Cornwall to go and stay with Tessa until the baby was born. I remember being told by my mother that I was to stay out of sight, not to tell anyone and that everything would be organised accordingly. I just did what I was told. Didn’t ask questions. She was so angry.’ Julia shook her head slowly at the memory, a palpable sense of her mother’s disappointment still present after all these years.

  ‘Did she not ask you if you wanted to keep the baby?’ Annie’s voice was barely a whisper.

  ‘She told me I would ruin my life, hers too, my father’s and the baby’s. I felt I had no option but to do as she said. There was nowhere else to go. And to be honest, Tessa was the only other person in the world, apart from Patrick, that I wanted to be with.’

  ‘What about Patrick, did he know?’ Annie also reached for her mother’s hand.

  ‘My parents forbade me to ever make contact with him again. The deal was I would have the baby, they would find it a home and we would never speak of it again. If I did, I was on my own. In those days being an unmarried mother was just about the worst thing you could be, not least in my parents’ eyes. I felt absolutely helpless. I had no money to leave and live elsewhere. So I went to Cornwall.’

  ‘What happened?’ whispered Jess.

  ‘I had the baby, a beautiful boy. I called him William. He had enormous eyes, like Patrick’s, with long, thick lashes and soft blond hair. He used to look up at me, fixing me with his stare. I’d spend hours looking at him. That first month of his life it was just Tessa and me in the cottage, with this adorable baby. My mother came to visit once; she spent an hour talking to Tessa downstairs in the kitchen. I remember hearing Tessa shouting at her, begging her to let us stay. But my mother refused.’

  ‘God, Mum, I’m so sorry…’ Jess wiped tears from her cheeks with a thick white napkin.

  ‘So who took him?’ Annie sat back in her chair.

  ‘One morning, a woman arrived dressed in a matron’s uniform. Black shoes. I couldn’t look at her face but I’ll never forget those shoes. I was told to bring William downstairs. Aunt Tessa came to help me. My legs felt like they were filled with air. I remember handing him to her…’ Julia stopped; took a deep breath. ‘And then I was told to go for a walk and not come back for half an hour. So I did. I walked to a spot where Patrick and I used to meet. A beautiful patch of grass surrounded by trees, on a bend in the river. I stood there, took off my shoes and walked into the water. I wanted to swim out towards the sea and not stop. I was just wading through mud, wanting the water to get deeper. Then someone was calling my name, pulling me from the water. It was Tessa. She took me back to the cottage. I don’t really remember much after that apart from feeling utterly wretched. The cottage was so quiet…’ Julia slowly stirred her coffee, watching it swirl around inside the small cup.

  ‘I felt empty. Part of me was missing and I would never be able to get it back. But in time, Tessa helped me understand that I had to live my own life, that William would be well looked after wherever and whoever he ended up with. I had to promise to my parents, and to Tessa, that I would never try and find him. The thing is, I would have broken that promise if I’d made it only to my parents but I couldn’t break it because of Aunt Tessa. She was so good to me, reassured me William would be OK. That he’d never know. And she said the best thing I could do was try to live a good life myself.’

  Julia looked at her daughters across the table, squeezing each of their hands. ‘I am so lucky to have you both. And I wouldn’t change anything if it meant that I didn’t have you. I want you to know that.’

  ‘We know, Mum,’ Annie smiled.

  ‘So why are you telling us now? I mean, you’ve kept it to yourself for so long…’ Jess couldn’t hide the hurt in her voice.

  ‘Seeing Patrick, remembering Richard… I knew I couldn’t keep it all to myself any more. I had to tell you. I feel you have a right to know. And like I said to you earlier, Jess, what you do with this information is up to you. I’m not going to look for him. I promised I wouldn’t. I don’t feel it’s my right to simply walk back into his life.’

  Annie let out a long sigh. ‘What about Patrick, does he know?’

  ‘Yes, he knows. Of course he knows. I wrote to him and told him everything once William was born. I remember sitting at Aunt Tessa’s kitchen table, writing the letter. I told him that William was to be adopted and that I wouldn’t be contacting him again. And I told him to not contact me, said that if he loved me he would do as I asked. Because, as I saw it, the only way I could ever live my life without the pain of losing William destroying it was to cut Patrick out, too. Seeing him would be a daily reminder of giving up my baby. Our baby. And I thought it was best for us to live separate lives, different lives, from then on.’

  ‘But, Mum, you and Patrick were clearly so in love. Might you not have been happy together, in time?’ Jess shook her head slowly.

  ‘No, really. It just wasn’t an option. I know it probably doesn’t make sense to you now but I had no way out, nowhere to go. And I was so heartbroken. The day William was taken was the worst day of my life.’

  ‘And did Patrick ever try to find you?’ asked Annie.

  ‘He wrote back, of course. Asked me to marry him. But it was too late for that. I felt that I had done enough damage. I just wanted to disappear. I was sent back home to work in the shop and that’s what I did until a few years later when one day I simply walked out and headed to London. Soon after that, I met your father.’

  ‘Did Dad know about William?’ Jess wiped more tears from her wet cheeks.

  ‘Yes, I told him. Of course I did. I was still grieving, really, when I met him. He was amazing, reassured me it was for the best. We didn’t talk about it often but it was a great comfort that he knew. And he didn’t think I was a terrible person for doing what I’d done. For that I will always be grateful.’

  ‘And he told no one?’ Annie’s eyes widened.

  ‘No, not a soul. And when you came along… eventually, it was quite a long time after…’ Julia looked up from her coffee cup to
Annie, ‘I was so happy. I mean, over the moon. But of course it was a reminder of what was lost.’

  ‘Oh, Mum, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what it must be like keeping something like that to yourself for so long.’ Annie reached for her napkin to soak up the tears in her eyes.

  ‘Scusi, more coffee?’ The waiter hovered behind Julia.

  ‘No, grazie.’ Jess smiled. ‘I’d be able to fly home by myself if I have another one of those.’

  ‘Of course! When’s your flight?’ Julia looked at her watch: still only just after nine o’clock in the morning.

  ‘Later this afternoon. We’ll have to head out to the airport fairly soon. When are you here until?’ Annie remembered her unpacked suitcase back at the hotel.

  ‘I’m on a flight later tonight. Patrick’s here until tomorrow. Time for one last late lunch and a few more paintings before I leave.’

  ‘Mum, I know it’s probably something you’ll have to think about but… how would you feel if we tried to find him? William, I mean.’ Annie spoke cautiously.

  ‘Darling, as I said to Jess earlier, I’m not going to tell you what to do. My mother did that to me and I’ve had to live with it since the day I handed William over to a stranger. I’m not doing that. It’s up to you.’ She looked from Annie to Jess, a faint smile on her face. Both could see the hurt in her eyes, impossible for her to hide.

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’ Jess placed a note on the saucer, tucking it under the cup, moving from her seat round the table and wrapping her arms around her mother’s pashmina-draped shoulders.

  ‘Thank you, both. I can’t begin to tell you what a relief it is to talk about him. He’s felt like a ghost for so long, one that’s always there, that only I can see. But he’s real. And wherever he is, I love him. I just wish he knew that.’

  The sisters sat on the plane in silence, the air between them filled with thoughts and questions. Jess turned her head to look out of the window as they climbed into the sky, leaving Rome behind. The now-familiar orange domes that loomed large above as they’d stood below them just a few hours ago now covered the city like a giant dot-to-dot.

  Annie reached for the inflight magazine, hoping there might be something in there for the boys. The unexpected events of the morning had left her with no time to even buy a ridiculously overpriced fridge magnet in the airport. ‘Jess, what do you think?’

  ‘You don’t need it.’

  ‘What? No, I don’t mean this,’ she gestured at the magazine, ‘I mean what do you think about looking for William? Do you want to?’

  ‘Annie, I am so tired. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. Everything hurts. Can we talk about it when we land?’

  ‘Of course.’ Annie put the magazine back and reached for her book.

  As they walked through security a few hours later, out through the doors into the arrivals area of the airport, Annie looked wistfully at all the dark-suited taxi drivers holding their signs with various surnames scribbled on them. There, at the end, was James, holding his own home-made sign.

  SORRY FOR BEING A DICK

  Annie ran to him, dropping her bag to the floor, throwing her arms around him.

  ‘Annie, I am so sorry I forgot our anniversary.’

  ‘It’s OK, really it is. It’s just a stupid anniversary.’

  ‘No, it’s not. Anyway, I’m really sorry. So much so, I made a complete tool of myself standing here with this.’ He waved the sign.

  ‘What on earth were you thinking?’ Jess was laughing.

  ‘Hi, Jess, how are you?’ James gave his sister-in-law a hug.

  ‘Good, thanks. I’m sorry I nicked your wife for a few days.’

  ‘I think she deserved it.’ James looked sheepish. ‘How was it?’

  ‘Amazing, actually, but exhausting. I need to fill you in on a few things…’

  ‘Listen, I’m going to grab a cab back into town. I’ve got an early start tomorrow…’ Jess kissed her sister on the cheek. ‘Love you both. Call me tomorrow, OK?’

  ‘Are you sure you’ll be OK?’ Annie squeezed her sister’s arm.

  ‘I’ll be fine, honestly. I’ll be fine.’ Jess fixed her smile and gave them a wave, making a call sign at Annie as she went. ‘Speak tomorrow!’ And she disappeared into the crowd.

  ‘So, tell me! What happened?’

  She took a deep breath. ‘James, I’ve got a brother. And I think I want to find him.’

  Part II

  11

  ‘Are you ever going to open it?’ Sophie tucked her hair behind her ears before starting to pile up the plates. ‘God, you’d think they’d get at least some marmalade on their toast…’

  ‘Here, I’ll do that.’ Ed got up from his chair, draining his coffee cup as he did.

  ‘You didn’t answer my question.’ Sophie stopped, plates in either hand. ‘You’ve had it for over a week.’

  A thick white envelope sat in the middle of the kitchen table, propped up against the toast rack. Beside it, a small jug filled with a handful of slightly ragged dahlias added a dramatic splash of autumnal colour to the table.

  ‘I know. I will, today.’

  ‘Are you worried about what it might say? I mean, you wanted to know, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes. I mean, no. No, I’m not worried. Yes, I do want to know. It’s just that I wanted time to, you know, think about it. Prepare myself, or whatever…’

  Sophie let the plates clatter back on to the table. She crossed the flagstone floor, stepping over a sleeping greyhound to stand in front of her husband. Slipping her arms through his and closing them tightly around his back, she looked up at his face. His hair fell forward as he bought his gaze to meet hers.

  ‘You know, whatever happens, this doesn’t change who we are as a family,’ she said. ‘Your parents – I mean, your proper parents, not your birth parents – loved you so much. We love you so much. So if it doesn’t work out, well, we’ve not lost anything.’

  ‘I know. Thank you.’ Ed wrapped his arms around his wife. ‘I mean it, thank you. I think, really, I’ve always hoped this might happen. I knew I wouldn’t go searching myself.’

  ‘Well, it’s there when you’re ready.’ Sophie looked at the envelope, longing to know the secrets it held. But it wasn’t her story to unfold. It was Ed’s.

  ‘I’ll do it once we’ve sorted the fence. Cows got out again last night, apparently. All over the road by the pub; gave everyone a bit of a scare at chucking-out time, according to Tom.’ Ed’s farm manager had been ringing with updates all morning.

  ‘OK, I’ve got to run. The kids are in the car. I’ll be back later.’ Sophie kissed him briefly, then scooped up her handbag and grabbed her coat from the back of a chair before heading for the door. ‘See you at lunchtime!’ she called. ‘Bye, Billy!’

  The greyhound lifted his head, looking to the now closing door before settling his head slowly back down to rest.

  Ed looked around the room. It felt desperately quiet without his family in it. ‘What do you reckon, Bill? Time to open it?’ The dog looked up at him with his huge soulful eyes. ‘Thought so.’

  Ed picked up the coffee jug and refilled his cup. Sitting back down in his chair, he reached for the envelope, holding it in his hands, tracing the sharp corners with the tips of his fingers. The postmark was London. He knew it was from the agency, from the woman who’d been in touch about his birth family.

  He took a slow sip from his mug, placing it gently back on the table before opening the letter, unfolding it slowly. Never had he wanted so much to know and not know, both at the same time. The words swam before his eyes, the name of the agency in blue across the top of the paper.

  So this was it. How it felt to be wanted by your birth family. Ed let out a long sigh, closed his eyes. He dropped the letter on the table and put his head in his hands. His chest felt like it might burst, but whether with happiness or sadness he couldn’t be sure. His phone lit up. It was a text from Tom, telling him the fence was fixed. Ed placed his head on his folded arms on the tabl
e and, for the first time since he could remember, started to cry.

  Sophie battled with the car seat’s buckle, as she did pretty much every morning, trying to release the wriggly two-year-old before walking her two eldest children down the path to the school gate.

  ‘Mama! I do it!’ Isla pulled at the buckle with her chubby toddler hands.

  ‘No, baby, let me do it.’ The fact that Isla had put on her enormous dusty-pink tutu over her trousers that morning made it an almost impossible task.

  ‘Mum, come on! We’ll be late!’ Edie pleaded.

  ‘We’ll get a late mark again, Mum! Come on!’ Johnnie tugged at his mother’s arm, making it even more difficult to get the wriggly one out of her seat.

  ‘Right, got you… Let’s go.’ With Isla on her hip, Sophie shut the door with a shove and followed the others, already halfway down the meadow path.

  ‘Wanna WALK, Mama!’ Isla squirmed, desperate to be on her own two feet.

  ‘Of course you do,’ Sophie sighed, dropping her gently to the ground.

  ‘Hi, Sophie!’ The shrill call of Amanda, the one mother guaranteed to make Sophie feel like she’d got dressed in the dark (which, to be fair, she practically had) was unmistakable. Sophie fixed a smile on her face, determined not to let her desire to disappear from view show.

  ‘Hi, Amanda, how are you?’

  ‘Running a bit late, actually. Not even had a chance to change after my run this morning!’ Amanda laughed, gesturing to her get-up. Sophie wondered how anyone could look so glossy at this time in the morning, even in running gear. ‘But I’m glad I’ve caught you. I wanted to ask if you’d be kind enough to run the second-hand clothes stall at the school Christmas Fair this year.’

  Oh God, thought Sophie. She clearly thinks this is my calling.

  ‘Er, well…I hadn’t really thought…’ She’d been warned about the second-hand clothes stall by her friend, Kate, and been advised specifically not to agree to take it on. ‘Whatever you do, don’t say yes to the second-hand clothes stall. You get inundated with bags and bags of stuff, most of it terrible. The only good thing about it is being able to nab all the second-hand school uniform before anyone else.’