This Changes Everything

by Helen Mcginn

  ‘God, yes. What if he doesn’t like us? Or we don’t like him? I mean, you can tell with a person pretty quickly if you’re going to like them or not, but when they’re actually related to you, there’s so much expectation.’

  A moment of silence fell between them.

  ‘Come on, let’s go.’ Annie slowly unfolded herself from the low, leather bucket seat of Jess’s car.

  They carried their bags through a low door into the pub. A fire crackled gently in the grate to the right of the old wooden bar, throwing an orange glow across the worn flagstone floor. Behind the bar, bottles of spirits fought for space and the whole room smelled faintly, and deliciously, of wood smoke and sausages.

  An old man sat at one end of the bar, his face ruddy, eyes bright. He nodded at the sisters standing in the doorway. ‘Evenin’,’ he offered, before going back to his beer.

  ‘Hi, there.’ A younger, rosy-cheeked man appeared behind the bar, his face friendly, hair a mess. ‘You must be booked in tonight.’ He looked at their bags, still in their hands. ‘You’re the only ones so you’ve got the two best rooms. It’s pretty quiet in here during the week at this time of year.’ He wiped his hands on his apron. ‘Sorry, just been changing kegs downstairs. I’m Harry.’

  ‘Hi, I’m Annie.’

  ‘And I’m Jess.’

  ‘Nice to meet you both. Right, follow me and I’ll show you where you are.’

  They followed him through the dimly lit dining room and up a wooden staircase. Their rooms were at the end of a short corridor, floorboards creaking at every step. Harry opened the door to the first room, which was tiny and practically all bed. The duvet and pillows, encased in fresh white cotton, looked as soft as clouds. At the end of the bed, a neatly folded checked woollen blanket lay ready to take off the chill. But the room was warm, with a small window looking out towards the sea.

  ‘Oh, look! How beautiful is that, Jess?’ The darkening sky hosted a bright moon that hung casually above the calm water of the bay below them. ‘And there’s a bath?’ Annie hoped she didn’t sound too desperate.

  ‘There certainly is, round that corner.’ Harry motioned over the other side of the room.

  ‘Oh my goodness, it’s gorgeous! Jess, look!’

  ‘I believe you, Annie.’ Jess smiled at Harry. ‘Guess I’ll take the other one, then.’

  ‘Great, follow me.’ Harry opened the door opposite to an equally small but beautifully furnished room. ‘I’m afraid you don’t get the sea view. But you do get fields.’

  Jess went to the window, her gaze taking in the bare trees outside, branches stretching up to the sky.

  ‘It’s perfect, Harry. Thank you.’

  ‘Great. You’ve got a bath too, just round the corner there. Now, I think you’re booked in for dinner? You’ll have the dining room to yourselves tonight.’

  ‘Yes, we are, thank you. We’re not sure if we’ll be two or three, does that matter?’ Ed was coming to the pub to meet them at seven o’clock, but they hadn’t dared to mention dinner in the correspondence, just a meeting time.

  ‘Not at all, whatever suits you. I’ll leave the key here for you. Come down when you’re ready. No hurry.’

  ‘Thank you. See you in a bit.’ Jess smiled back, completely won over by the warmth and comfort of the place.

  Annie’s voice rang out from across the corridor. ‘Oh my God, Jess. Have you seen the toiletries? Really nice stuff. I’m shoving the whole lot in the bath!’

  Jess smiled at Harry. ‘She’s quite excited, you might have gathered.’

  ‘I’m glad she likes it!’ Harry pushed his hair back from his face. ‘Right, I’d better get back to it. Bert will be wanting a refill by now. See you later.’

  He disappeared off down the corridor, floorboards squeaking beneath him as he went. Jess poked her head back through her sister’s door. ‘Annie, I’m going to have in the bath. I’ll see you in the bar. Let’s get there just before seven, shall we, so we can find a quiet corner?’

  ‘I don’t think we’ll have a problem doing that. Ed must have known it was quiet when he suggested meeting here in the first place. Do you think it’s his local?’

  ‘Must be. He lives really nearby, I think. See you in a bit.’ Jess room, slipped off her shoes and lay on the bed. A wave of tiredness swept over her, the softness of the sheets drawing her in. But her mind raced with thoughts of the evening ahead and as much as she wanted to close her eyes, she knew sleep wouldn’t come. Instead she hauled herself off the bed and headed for the bathroom, hoping a long hot bath might help calm her mind.

  ‘Ed, are you sure you’re OK about this? I could wait in the car…’ Sophie stood at the old Rayburn, watching to make sure the toast didn’t burn. At the table, Johnnie sat expectantly. Sophie turned to look at him. ‘Darling, please can you go and give your sisters a shout? I think they must be in the sitting room.’

  Johnnie stayed exactly where he was. ‘Edie! Isla! Tea’s ready!’ he bellowed, as loud as he possibly could.

  ‘Johnnie, no. I asked you to go and get them, please. I can’t move from here or your toast will turn to burnt cinders the moment I take my eyes off it.’

  ‘Yes, I’ll be fine, I promise. I’m meeting them at seven at the Gunner’s. It’ll be quiet so hopefully we’ll have the dining room to ourselves.’ Ed gently pushed Johnnie from his chair. ‘Go and get your sisters, please, Johnnie.’

  Sophie knew Ed was nervous from the way his fingers played with his shirt cuffs. ‘OK, if you’re sure. But call me if you decide to stay, have a drink or whatever. I can come and get you.’

  ‘What about the kids?’

  ‘I’ll ask Mum to pop over; you know she wouldn’t mind.’ Sophie’s mother had moved down from Oxford to be nearer to her family earlier that year and had proved indispensable ever since. Not just as a support to Sophie and Ed; the children absolutely adored their grandmother.

  ‘Thank you, but I’m sure I won’t need to. I’ll go and find out where the girls are…’

  ‘Ed, stop stalling. You need to get going. You can’t keep them waiting. They’re your sisters, after all.’ She laughed gently, hoping her attempt at humour wouldn’t fall flat.

  ‘I know, I know. I’m going. I’ll see you later.’ He pulled at his cuffs for the umpteenth time and made for the door.

  ‘Good luck!’ Sophie called after him, wondering if that was quite the right phrase. But this was unchartered territory. She had navigated his feelings as gently as possible, adjusting her course accordingly as he came to terms with the knowledge that his mother was alive and well and that he had two siblings who wanted to meet him. But she also knew Ed’s ability to put his head in the sand when it came to dealing with anything remotely uncomfortable was unparalleled. It had taken him over a week to open the letter from the agency. In the back of her mind, Sophie couldn’t help but worry that he might not be able to bring himself to walk into that pub, even though these two people, his sisters, had come all this way. Still, she’d done all she could. The rest was up to Ed. Sophie reached for the fridge door and poured herself a small glass of chilled Sauvignon Blanc.

  ‘Think he’ll be OK, Billy?’ The dog looked up from his bed, gazed towards the door and sighed heavily. ‘I’ll take that as a yes.’

  Ed drove to the pub in silence, his mind so preoccupied with thoughts of what lay ahead he didn’t even turn the radio on. The lanes were now in complete darkness, leaving drivers to rely on lights from oncoming cars to warn them of anything round the tight corners. The sky was studded with stars and the moon shone brightly, not a cloud to contend with.

  The drive was short, barely ten minutes. Soon he was pulling into the car park alongside the only other car in it, a long, sleek Mercedes. His heart jumped. His sister’s car, he thought.

  As he walked towards the familiar door, he took a deep breath. He’d given his friend Harry the heads up he was meeting old family friends tonight – he hadn’t elaborated, of course – and hoped Harry had managed to seat them i
n the quiet dining room. He opened the bar door, the warm air inside a welcome contrast to the cold outside.

  The bar was empty save for Bert, of course.

  ‘Evenin.’ He nodded his greeting to Ed.

  ‘Evening, Bert. Harry around?’

  Bert pointed behind the bar. ‘Taps playin’ up.’

  ‘Ah, OK. I’ll er…’ Ed looked towards the open door to the dining room. He unclenched his hands, took a deep breath and walked in.

  Annie and Jess had met in the bar; Annie still flushed red from her hot bath. Both now sat with large chilled glasses of house white in front of them.

  ‘I know it sounds ridiculous, Jess, but this feels like some sort of weird blind date,’ Annie whispered. They were at a small table by the open fire.

  ‘I know what you mean. But he wouldn’t be coming unless he wanted to meet us. And the letters mean we’re not finding out everything for the first time.’ Jess took a small sip of her wine. She screwed up her nose and looked at her glass. ‘That tastes… a bit strange.’

  Annie picked up hers and swirled the glass gently, before putting her nose in and taking a long sniff. She winked at her sister before taking a short sip. ‘What are you talking about? It’s delicious!’

  ‘It tastes funny to me. What is it?’

  ‘Chenin Blanc, I think.’ Annie looked around the room. ‘Do you think we should move next door to the table? Then we’re not quite so public when he comes in.’

  ‘But there’s no one here.’

  Annie motioned to the old man at the bar.

  ‘Annie, he’s not going to mind.’

  ‘No, I think we should go to the dinner table. Have a room to ourselves, just in case.’

  ‘OK, whatever you prefer.’ Jess picked up her glass.

  Harry appeared behind the bar again, his hair more wild than before, in one hand a tea towel and in the other a screwdriver. ‘Sorry, had to get that fixed. Take a couple of menus with you and there are some specials on the board next door. Let me know if you need anything.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Annie picked up the menus. ‘We won’t be eating quite yet; we’re having a drink with a… friend… first. But we’ll eat after, thank you. He might stay, we’re just not sure.’

  Harry looked at the woman with the menu in her hands. She looked familiar but he couldn’t quite place her. ‘Absolutely. Whatever suits you. I’ll bring you some bread and olives to keep you going.’

  ‘Thank you, that would be lovely.’ Jess followed her sister.

  They sat at a table in the bay of a window, neither of them quite sure what to say. The room was small and dark, painted the same yellow colour as the outside. Paintings covered the walls, some dramatic, others almost poetic. There was an enormous seascape, complete with crashing waves against craggy rocks. In another, an old man sat at his desk in a crowded study surrounded by piles of books and paper. He looked lost in his task; Annie wondered what he might be writing.

  ‘You OK?’ Jess sounded like she was reassuring herself.

  ‘Yes, I think so. A bit light-headed, actually. Do you think he’ll come?’

  ‘I hope so. I’m not sure I could bear it if he didn’t show now.’ Jess looked about the room, twisting her hair around her fingers as she did.

  Just then, a man appeared at the door. He stopped, looking across at the sisters, seemingly rooted to the spot. Slowly he raised his hand at them, his expression unsure.

  Jess got up slowly out of her chair. ‘Hello, you must be Ed.’ She awkwardly extended an arm, dropping it quickly back by her side. ‘I’m Jess and this is my sister, Annie.’

  Annie stood up, a nervous smile on her face. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  ‘Hello… I’m Ed…’ His voice wavered a little.

  ‘Hello, Ed,’ Annie sprang forward. ‘It’s so lovely to meet you…’ She went to hug him but he took a step back. ‘Oh God, I’m so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that.’ Annie’s cheeks reddened.

  ‘Hello, Annie. It’s OK, really. I’m just… I’m not very good at…’ Ed ran his fingers through his hair with both hands, laughing nervously. He exhaled deeply. ‘I’m sorry.’ He held out his hand to Jess. ‘Hello, Jess.’

  Jess took his hand in hers and looked at him. ‘It’s really, really good to meet you at last.’

  ‘I know, it’s been… there’s a lot to take in.’ He looked from one to the other again.

  ‘Oh my goodness, you look so like them,’ Annie whispered.

  ‘Annie,’ Jess touched her sister’s shoulder, ‘don’t spook him again.’

  Ed smiled. ‘No, it’s fine. I’ve always wondered about that, actually.’ He laughed again, whether through nerves or relief he couldn’t tell.

  ‘So, where on earth do we start?’ said Jess.

  ‘I can’t even… I’m so glad you’re here.’ Annie shook her head slowly, grinning at Ed.

  ‘Pint, Ed?’ Harry popped his face round the corner into the room.

  ‘Yes, please, Harry.’

  Harry looked at the two women standing either side of Ed and he could see there was something about their features that united them.

  ‘Harry, these are my…’ Ed paused briefly, ‘half-sisters, Annie and Jess.’

  ‘Of course you are, just look at you,’ Harry laughed. ‘Can I get you anything?’

  ‘No, thank you, we’re fine for now.’ Annie smiled warmly at Harry.

  ‘Right, I’ll be back with your pint in a mo, Ed.’ Harry headed back to the bar.

  Ed tugged at the sleeves of his jumper. ‘So…’ He felt completely lost for words. Which, given that he had so many questions, seemed quite ridiculous. ‘How was your journey?’ He cringed inwardly. Was that really the best he could do?

  ‘All very easy. Thank you for suggesting here. It’s so lovely.’ Jess gestured at their surroundings.

  ‘It really is,’ Annie agreed enthusiastically. Sensing his discomfort, she suggested they sat.

  Ed pulled out chairs for them in turn. ‘I’m sorry to make you come all this way but the woman from the agency suggested it. I hope that’s OK?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ Annie put her hand on his arm, feeling it tense up immediately. Too soon, she reminded herself.

  ‘I’m sorry, I really do have so many things I want to ask you but I don’t seem to be able to…’ He trailed off, looking at them apologetically.

  Jess spoke softly. ‘I know, this is strange for all of us, most of all you. We could start by giving you a letter from Mum. She wanted us to deliver this to you. If we ever found you, that is. Obviously you don’t have to read it now. Annie, have you got it?’

  ‘How is she? I mean, was she pleased you decided to come and look for me?’

  ‘Yes, I think she really was.’ Annie reached for the letter in her bag, pushing it gently across the table to Ed.

  He picked it up, holding it carefully in his fingers, looking at the name on the front of the envelope. William. It felt so strange to see something other than his name and yet feel such a connection to it.

  ‘When Mum told us about you – we were in Rome, long story; we’ll fill you in – she said that when she had to give you up for adoption, she also had to promise not to come and find you. Apparently she was forbidden to put her name on the adoption register…’ Annie’s voice broke a little.

  Ed put the envelope back on the table. ‘I did wonder if that was the case. I don’t think my parents knew much about her at all.’

  ‘And when she told us about you, she said it was up to us if we wanted to find you.’ Annie smiled at him. ‘I hope you don’t mind that we did.’

  ‘How could we not? Knowing you were out there somewhere, we had to come and find you.’ Jess looked at him, forcing Ed to meet her gaze.

  ‘What made her tell you?’

  ‘You explain, Annie.’

  ‘I think, to be honest, she’d kept it to herself for so long. She and Patrick, your father, who’s wonderful, met up again after all that time apart and I t
hink she just couldn’t keep it in any longer. I think she wanted us to find you because she couldn’t. Anyway, she asked us to bring you this.’ Annie tapped the envelope on the table. ‘She wrote it to you when you were a baby and her aunt, Tessa, promised to keep it safe for her.’

  ‘And hidden from her witch of a mother, our grandmother.’ Jess couldn’t help herself. ‘Sorry…’

  ‘Well, yes. That, too, but anyway, when her aunt died the letter made its way back to Mum along with some photos of you as a baby. I have those here, too. But read the letter. We don’t know what it says, obviously. She just wanted you to have it and read it when you were ready.’

  ‘Thank you.’ He picked up the envelope and put it in his coat pocket. As much as he wanted to open it there and then, he knew he needed to be on his own when he did. ‘So, are they… together again now?’

  ‘Well, we’re not exactly sure. They’re spending time together, but whether they are together together or just friends, we don’t know. It’s not something one can really ask one’s mother.’

  ‘Oh, Annie, if you don’t ask her I will the next time I see her. I mean, come on! It’s not like old people don’t do romance.’ Jess laughed. ‘Basically, they hadn’t seen each other for years and then, quite out of the blue, Patrick got in touch, inviting Mum to Rome.’

  ‘They had to bury an old friend… spread his ashes, I mean. So she went…’ Annie picked up her glass.

  ‘… And we followed because, well, we were a bit worried about her going on her own with someone we – or she, for that matter – barely knew.’ Jess spoke quickly now. ‘But as it turns out, she did know him. Just hadn’t seen him for a long time and now we know why. I think she knew that if she did then all that pain, all those feelings she must have had giving you up for adoption against her will would come back.’

  ‘But something changed in Rome. It was like…’ Annie reached across towards Ed’s arm once again, unable to stop herself. ‘I don’t know, maybe she just knew it was time to tell us. And I think she wanted you to know she’s there…’ Annie blinked, trying to keep the tears threatening to fall in check.