This Changes Everything

by Helen Mcginn

  ‘And obviously that’s completely up to you.’ Jess continued softly. ‘We’d understand if you need more time to think about it, let it all sink in. But please know, Ed, that our mum is a good person. I know she’s lived with this for years and we think she just didn’t want to have to do that any more. More than that, she thought we all had a right to know.’

  ‘And with Patrick, she’s happier than she’s been for years. It’s like whatever happened… they know they can’t change it. But perhaps she’s hoping that it’s not too late for her to make up somehow for all that time lost. Only if you want to, that is.’ Annie gently squeezed his arm.

  ‘Yes, it’s a lot to…’ He looked up at them both, their faces full of hope. He took a deep breath. ‘Of course I do.’ His smile made his eyes crinkle at the edges.

  Hours later, Jess lay on Annie’s bed. Annie stood at the basin in the little ensuite, brushing her teeth.

  ‘Oh my God, Annie. I never thought it would be so…’

  Annie stuck her head round the door, mid-brush. ‘Normal?’

  ‘Exactly! I mean, I know it was awkward at the beginning – poor thing looked like he was actually going to be sick – but then once we got talking he definitely seemed to let his guard down a bit.’

  ‘I think that was more damage limitation, but once he realised we just wanted to let him know we’re here,’ Annie came to sit on the other side of the bed, ‘the whole thing was amazing. I can’t wait to meet his family. Sophie sounds absolutely gorgeous. And his kids looked so sweet in the pictures.’

  ‘I know, didn’t they? And can you believe he was in a band? What were they called again?’ She stabbed at her phone. ‘What’s the wifi code? I’m going to Google them.’

  ‘It’s there, on the table in the file.’ Annie pointed over at the desk under the window. ‘He did say he wasn’t in it for long. And they only had him because he was the only guy at school who could play the drums. Made me sad, the thought of him spending hours on his own in his room playing the drums.’

  ‘Oh, Annie, don’t jump to conclusions. You heard him. He said he had a very happy childhood. His parents – his adopted parents, I mean – they sounded heavenly.’

  ‘They were obviously quite a bit older. Sad now they’re gone that he didn’t have any other siblings.’

  ‘He said he didn’t know it any other way, remember? And now he’s got us.’

  ‘But that’s the thing. I can’t help feeling like this is quite selfish of us. We were the ones wanting to find him. He might not have wanted to be found.’

  ‘Annie, listen. If he didn’t want to, he didn’t have to. That’s the point. Just like Alison Pearce said, he could have always said no. And we just mustn’t rush it. Rush him, rather.’

  ‘Jess, he suggested a reunion with Mum before Christmas. Doesn’t that feel too soon?’

  ‘If you’d been waiting for more than forty years to meet your birth mother, do you think you might not want to get on with it as soon as possible?’

  ‘I guess you’re right. I know!’ Annie pointed at her sister. ‘It was Ten Green Bottles! The name of the band, Ten Green Bottles. Look them up. I want to see what he looked like when he was in the band.’

  Jess tapped away intently at her phone. A few taps later and she passed the phone across to her sister. ‘Look, there he is on the left.’

  Annie peered at the phone. ‘Oh, look at him! He was gorgeous! You could cut meat with those cheekbones. How old do you think he was then? Nineteen?’

  ‘Early twenties, he said. By the time they were famous, anyway. I do remember them, funnily enough. Not my kind of music: too tortured art student for me.’

  ‘Ha! I know what you mean. Still, how cool to have a brother that was in a band!’

  ‘Half-brother, Annie.’

  ‘Whatever. Right, what time are we off tomorrow?’

  ‘Early-ish, I’m afraid. I’ve got to get back to London by late afternoon but can drop you off on the way. I’ll pop in to see Mum quickly, too.’

  ‘Have you called her yet? She’ll be dying to hear.’

  ‘I’ve just texted her to let her know everything was fine. I didn’t want to say too much but I told her all’s good and that we’d fill her in tomorrow.’

  ‘Great, if you don’t mind. I’ve got to get back for the school run so I’ll pop in after that but we can call her from the road tomorrow. Clare’s taking the boys in the morning for me. God, I really owe her.’

  ‘Right then, bed. See you in the morning. I’m bloody knackered.’

  ‘Go on, off you get.’ Annie shoved her sister playfully with her foot. ‘Otherwise you’ll fall asleep here and I won’t get the bed to myself after all.’

  ‘All right, I’m going.’ Jess laughed, blowing her sister a kiss. ‘See you in the morning.’

  ‘See you in the morning.’ Annie blew one back. The door shut softly behind her sister. Within minutes, face hastily splashed with water and teeth brushed, she climbed into bed, delighting in the feel of the heavy duvet. Looking up at the ceiling, Annie imagined Ed back at home telling his wife how it had all gone, hoping he felt as happy as she and her sister did.

  ‘So, how was it?’ Sophie sat at the table, her back to the range cooker. Billy lay at her feet, stretched out in peaceful slumber on the warm floor. The house was quiet bar the soft sound of a lone cello coming from the radio on the shelf on the corner.

  ‘Well, it was quite amazing, really.’ Ed looked a little bewildered but he did have a wide smile on his face.

  ‘Were you nervous?’

  ‘Really nervous. Thought I might actually be sick at one point but once I’d managed to walk into the room, it felt… strange but OK. I was just really happy to meet them, not that they probably realised it at first. It’s funny because they’re total strangers to me and yet once we got over the initial weirdness of it all, it was relatively easy to talk. And we talked about so many things… about my birth parents…’

  ‘So do you think you’ll meet them, too?’

  ‘Yes, I hope so. I have a letter here from my mother.’ He patted his coat pocket. ‘She gave it to them to give to me.’

  ‘And you haven’t you read it yet?’ Sophie’s eyes widened.

  ‘I wanted to read it here, with you.’

  ‘Well, go on then.’ She stood up. ‘Do you want a whisky?’

  ‘Yes, please.’ He took a seat and went to open the letter. Sophie returned to the table with a bottle and two tumblers.

  ‘So? What does it say?’

  Ed unfolded the letter slowly but read quickly. He sighed. Sophie could hardly breathe. He handed the letter to her. ‘Can you read it to me again?’

  She took the letter. Ed poured two generous measures, adding a dash of water from a jug on the table to each. He took a sip, the heat and smoke hitting the back of his throat instantly. Sophie spoke the words softly, quietly.

  16 June 1962

  My darling William,

  First of all I want you to know that I love you so much and that I’m so desperately sorry that it has to be this way.

  Looking at you lying in your cot beside me now, blanket tucked up under your chin with your head of soft hair, I wish we could stay here for ever. Your eyes are mostly shut tight (you sleep a lot!) but when you open them, and I look into them, I’m lost and found all at once.

  This past month has been so precious, watching you grow every day, taking in the world around you. You love the sound of the gulls outside the window, turning your head to listen. And your grip – so strong! But I know that by giving you to another loving family, one that can take care of you properly, I will be giving you the best start in life that I possibly can.

  I also want you to know that your father is a wonderful, kind man. In another life, we would all be together, for ever. But in this one, it cannot be.

  I just hope this letter reaches you one day, as promised, and that you know that you were loved, always. I will think about you every single day that goes past. />
  Eternally yours,

  Mummy x

  Sophie looked up from the letter to meet Ed’s face, huge tears pooling in her eyes.

  Smiling, he took her hands in his. ‘It’s fine, really. I’m happy. And to be honest,’ he looked at the letter, now on the table, ‘she’s told me all I’ve ever wanted to know.’

  15

  Julia felt hot and unsettled. Sleep had evaded her for much of the night. The radio came on; people discussing farming with far too much enthusiasm for this time in the morning.

  Moving slowly, she sat up, sliding her feet into her slippers at the side of the bed. She reached for her dressing gown, held her palms to her eyes and pressed them to her head for a moment. Stars swam before her.

  She looked towards the window. Through a narrow gap in the curtains, she could see a flash of pink sky behind dark grey clouds. Slowly, her thoughts gathered. She remembered the text from Jess the night before, reassuring her everything had gone really well and that they’d call first thing. Julia wondered if he would have read the letter by now. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, let the air out slowly.

  She went downstairs, stepping over the cat on the step halfway down as she did so. Lancelot – a present for her birthday a few years ago from her grandchildren, masterminded by Annie – always slept at the end of her bed. But by the time Julia awoke he’d be in position on the stairs, where he’d wait for Julia to come down and open the door to the garden.

  ‘Morning, Lance.’ He looked at her, reaching out a paw to catch the bottom of her dressing gown as she passed. ‘Come on, then. Silly thing.’ Filling the kettle at the sink, Julia looked out at the view. A few fat camellia buds sat among the leaves of the bush just outside the window. The stillness of the early morning outside pleased her enormously.

  As she put the empty wine glasses on the side in the dishwasher, she acknowledged she had been grateful for Pam and Dicky’s company last night. Supper and a game of cards had been just what she needed to take her mind off other things. She looked at the clock. It wasn’t yet seven.

  Taking her steaming cup of tea into the sitting room, she put it on the table and went to the hidden cupboard behind an old oil painting. There, behind stacks of old board games and half-drunk, long-forgotten liqueur bottles, was a brown wooden box. She reached for it, took it out; went to the small red pot on the chimneypiece and reached inside for the key. Taking it, she sat in the chair next to the still warm embers of the fire and unlocked the box.

  Julia’s stomach flipped as she opened it, a wave of nausea hitting her hard. Again, she closed her eyes and took a breath, long and slow. She reached inside and lifted the photograph on the top from the pile, bringing it closer to her face and looking at it properly for the first time in years. His features so familiar, a tiny clutched fist, eyes clamped shut.

  She picked up the next photograph. It was of Aunt Tessa looking at him, smiling, her little finger clenched tightly by the boy in the blanket in her arms. And another: William in a pram with his arms and legs splayed in peaceful, deep sleep.

  Julia picked up the envelope underneath. She saw her mother’s unmistakable spidery writing on the front.

  TESSA.

  She took the letter out. She’d read it only once before, having been given the box by her father, along with the key, after her mother had died. The box had been returned to Julia’s mother after Aunt Tessa had passed away just a few years before that. In the letter, her mother had asked Tessa to keep the photos safe. But – and she knew the words before she got to them –

  DO NOT give them to Julia. The situation is bad enough. Her having these will only make it worse.

  Julia stared at her mother’s name at the bottom. As much as she’d told herself over the years they’d acted in what they believed were her best interests, as much as she knew Tessa had only been keeping a promise, she couldn’t help but feel wretched at the thought of what could have been, what might have been.

  But what Julia would never know was just how often Tessa had gone to the box, unlocked it and spread the photos across her kitchen table, her tears falling uncontrollably.

  The sound of the phone ringing pulled her back to the now. Julia put the box to one side and went to the kitchen to answer it.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘Annie! How was it?’

  ‘I’m so sorry we didn’t call you last night but it was really late by the time we finished. I know Jess sent you a message…’

  ‘How is he? What did he say?’

  ‘Mum, he wants to meet you.’ Annie sounded as if she were smiling.

  ‘Really? He does?’ Julia steadied herself with a hand on the kitchen counter. She felt suddenly weak, almost winded.

  ‘Yes, Mum, of course he does.’

  ‘So… how is he?’ Julia’s voice was barely audible.

  ‘He’s fantastic, Mum.’ Annie laughed with delight.

  ‘Happy?’

  ‘Yes, really happy and with a beautiful family. Three kids and a wife he obviously adores.’

  ‘Oh my goodness… that’s…’

  ‘Amazing, I know. I don’t know what we were expecting but it was definitely much easier than I had imagined. I mean, I think we were all so nervous but the minute he walked in…’

  ‘And he wants to meet me?’

  ‘Yes, Mum, I told you. He can’t wait.’

  ‘So, what happens now?’

  ‘We’ve got each other’s email addresses so we can organise something with him, for you to meet him. Or you and Patrick. I’m not sure how it’ll work but I guess it’s up to Ed. I mean, William. You know what I mean.’ Annie laughed apologetically.

  ‘OK, that’s…’ Julia hardly dared to believe it.

  ‘Mum, it’s OK, really. He’s very happy we found him. There’s no anger on his side – not that we could tell, anyway. I think he’s just relieved to know he’ll get to meet you at last.’

  ‘Darling, thank you.’ Julia closed her eyes. She felt tension flood from her body.

  ‘Anyway, we’re leaving soon. Jess has got to get back to London but she’s dropping me on the way, kindly. She said she’d call in if the traffic’s not too bad, to fill you in.’

  ‘OK, I’ll be here.’

  ‘’Bye, Mum. Love you.’

  ‘Love you, too.’

  Julia walked back into the sitting room, sat back in the chair next to the fire. The smell of warm ashes scented the air. Lance padded across the room, jumping onto Julia’s lap and turning a few times before curling up and settling in.

  ‘Can you believe it?’ The cat looked at her briefly before returning to his resting position. ‘I can’t. I really can’t.’ Her tears began to fall. But unlike Tessa’s all those years ago, Julia’s were not tears of pain. They were tears of relief. And she was happy to let them fall.

  Jess pushed the plate away from her, the sight of the uneaten eggs making her feel suddenly queasy.

  ‘You OK, Jess? You look pale.’ Annie sat back down at their breakfast table by the open fire in the bar.

  ‘Yes, just not feeling brilliant, I must admit. Do you think you could drive back as far as yours? Hopefully I’ll be feeling better by then. I’ve just pushed back my meeting till later this afternoon so I’m not in a hurry.’

  ‘Of course, no problem. What’s the meeting?’

  A pause. ‘Hopefully, I’m selling.’

  ‘What, your company? Really? Jess, that’s so exciting. Why didn’t you say before? What will you do?’

  ‘Not have to work like a dog and have absolutely no life of my own, hopefully. They’ve been after me for a while. I’ll have to work with them to hand over the business for a period of time, but other than that I’m not entirely sure.’

  ‘So, what’s bought on the sudden change of heart? You always said you weren’t interested in selling?’

  ‘Nothing to do with the heart, Annie.’ Jess fixed her sister with a smile.

  ‘Bullshit. It’s Ben, isn’
t it? Why do I get the feeling you’re not telling me everything? I thought you said you were taking it slowly.’

  ‘We are! But I’m not the bloody Virgin Mary…’ Jess suddenly looked at her sister, eyes wide. ‘Oh, shit.’ Jess put her head in her hands.

  ‘What? What is it?’ Annie whispered, grabbing Jess’s arm.

  ‘Fuck! FUCK!’

  ‘Oh my God, do you think you’re pregnant?’ The words came out a little louder than Annie intended.

  The young waitress behind the bar dropped the cutlery she had in her hand. ‘Sorry,’ she mouthed, before turning and scuttling off to the kitchen.

  ‘Yes. Fuck. I think I must be. I’ve been feeling a bit sick for weeks.’

  ‘Do your boobs hurt?’

  Jess squeezed her arms across her chest. ‘Yes, they do.’

  ‘And have you got like a weird metallic taste in your mouth?’

  Jess screwed up her nose and swallowed. ‘How the hell did you know that?’

  ‘How do you think, you idiot? Boobs, sickness, everything tastes weird. I’d say you’re about two months gone, maybe three. Didn’t you miss a period?’

  ‘Annie, I’ve been on a diet since 1992. My periods are hardly regular.’

  ‘Oh. Right, well, I think you’d better get a test and then see a doctor as soon as possible. Oh, wow, Jess. That’s so exciting!’

  ‘Is it? I’m not sure Ben will see it that way. How am I going to tell him?’

  ‘Come on, you’re both grown-ups, for goodness’ sake. Just tell him. What the worst that can happen?’

  ‘He legs it?’ Jess shrugged.

  ‘Well then, that’s one way to find out if he’s a keeper or not.’ Annie stifled a smile.

  ‘Annie, this isn’t funny. I’m being serious. I’m no spring chicken.’

  ‘Well you’re hardly bloody ancient. Look, say you are pregnant. Forget Ben for a moment. Do you want a baby or not?’

  Jess sat back in her chair, looked at her stomach and sighed.

  Annie waved her hand. ‘Whatever. Take a test. Go to the doctor, find out, tell Ben, see what happens.’