This Changes Everything

by Helen Mcginn

  An enormous – now decimated – cheeseboard lay on the low ottoman in the middle of the room; on one side an old vintage port-coloured sofa hosted Monty, Emma and James. On the other, Ed sat between Patrick and Julia. Sophie and Annie sat on the floor in front of the fire, their faces flushed warm on one side. Conversation flowed, as did the wine and the sound of jazz floated across the room from the record player in the corner. The children had finally fallen asleep, on a promise of more fireside stories from Emma and Monty before bed the following night if they were good.

  They heard the front door open with a loud, echoing bang.

  ‘That must be Jess.’ Julia got up. Annie followed her into the hall. Jess was standing just inside the door, her bag at her feet.

  ‘God, I need a wee. Where’s the loo? Wow, this place is incredible… loo?’ Jess screwed up her face, trying desperately to cross her legs despite the enormous bump she was carrying.

  Julia pointed at a door just to the right. ‘Nearest one’s there.’

  ‘Back in a mo.’ Jess disappeared behind the door.

  ‘Hello, Julia. Hi, Annie.’ Ben appeared at the door carrying two large bags. ‘I’m not sure how long she’s planning on us staying but judging by these, I’d say a while.’

  ‘Darling Ben! How are you?’ Julia crossed the hall and hugged him.

  Annie joined them. ‘Hi, Ben, how’s she been?’

  ‘All good, thanks, Annie. I think, anyway. She’s not sleeping that well but other than that she says she’s feeling pretty good.’

  ‘Not long to go now,’ said Julia.

  ‘Six weeks. Early July.’

  ‘You both look so well. So exciting… Come and meet everyone. You must be tired from your journey. How was it?’ Julia led Ben into the other room.

  ‘I’ll wait here for Jess,’ Annie called after them.

  A moment later, Jess came out from the loo adjusting her dress. ‘God, I feel like a whale.’

  ‘You look absolutely beautiful, my lovely sister.’ Annie threw her arms around Jess’s neck. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Fucking knackered, to be honest. I mean, if I feel like this now, how on earth am I going to cope when the baby’s out?’

  ‘I promise you will be fine. We’ll all be here to help whenever we can. The boys are so excited about this, I can’t tell you. So, how’s it all going?’ Annie grinned, winking. ‘Sorry, I don’t know why I winked.’

  Jess laughed. ‘Good, I think. I mean, apart from feeling enormous.’ Jess pointed at her stomach. ‘But, to be honest,’ she lowered her voice conspiratorially, ‘I can’t quite believe it. I mean I still can’t believe he stayed. Poor thing takes me back and within a few months I go and get pregnant.’

  ‘Of course he was going to stay, you moron. He loves you!’

  ‘I know, but… I’m not a very dependable moron. At least I haven’t been.’

  ‘That’s the point. It doesn’t matter what’s in the past with you two. What matters is now. You love each other and that’s enough. Figure out the rest as you go. So stop worrying and come and sit down. Leave your bag there for now. I’ll get James to show Ben where you’re sleeping.’

  Jess walked into the sitting room to find everyone already on their feet making their introductions to Ben. Before long more wine was poured and the noise of talking and laughter filled the room. For a brief moment, Patrick and Julia found themselves together on the sofa.

  ‘Can you believe this is happening?’ Julia spoke quietly so no one else could hear.

  ‘I could never, in my wildest imagination, have imagined this is how our story would end.’

  ‘End? Patrick! We’re not that old!’

  ‘I know, it’s just that I really thought I had lost you. For ever. And I came to terms with it, eventually. You don’t know this but I came back here after Will… Ed was born. Not to find you. Well, that’s what I told myself.’

  ‘I know you did.’ Julia smiled.

  ‘You do? How? Tessa?’

  ‘Yes. She told me that you’d come back, hoping to make sense of everything. I think she might have helped you do just that.’

  ‘Yes, she really did, but I asked her not to tell you. I didn’t want you thinking I’d gone against your wishes.’

  ‘Darling, I understand why you came. Tessa told me about your walking past the cottage, going to the beach.’

  ‘Julia, she was quite amazing. It was what she did that was so intuitive. Not just words but driving me to the beach, as if she knew I had to go back once more if ever I was going to let go of you.’

  ‘She really was an amazing woman. More of a mother to me than my own, in truth – and I know she loved you, too.’

  ‘When did she tell you? That I came back here, I mean.’

  ‘The following year. She wanted me to know how you were doing, as I’d asked. Moving on so that we all could. And it helped me in the end, even if it nearly killed me at first. It was the day that I moved out and away from my parents.’

  ‘I just wish she’d seen this. Us all together, I mean. Back where it all started.’

  ‘Oh, I think this would have made her very happy indeed.’ Julia raised her glass to his and together they drank a silent toast to Tessa.

  17

  Annie heaved back the heavy curtains in their room. It was still early and a sliver of moon hung in the clear pale blue sky like a forgotten decoration. It was blissfully quiet, the children still asleep, thanks to their late night. The view from the bedroom window looked down across the fields in front of the house to the village below. A lone oak tree stood in the middle of the field directly in front of the house.

  Annie stood for a moment at the window, drinking in the view. She thought about Patrick, about Ed. How could it be that just over a year ago she didn’t know either of them? And yet here they were, suddenly both a big part of all their lives. She thought of her own father, David; how he’d sent over the wine to bring down here for the weekend from his home in France (‘so I can be there in spirit, or at least in wine’).

  Annie looked at James, still sleeping. She wanted to show him the moon but decided to go and make him a cup of tea instead. Padding down the stairs, she looked at the empty hall, imagining her mother and Patrick dancing there, years ago. She found her way to the kitchen, the flagstones cold beneath her feet. Jess was already at the table.

  ‘You’re up early.’ Jess motioned to the Aga. ‘There’s a pot of tea on there.’

  ‘Sod’s law: the one time the kids do actually sleep in I wake up and can’t get back to sleep. Sorry, I swore I wouldn’t tell you the bad bits before the baby arrived.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ve had plenty of that from Ben’s sister. Really didn’t need to know her birth story, as she insists on calling it.’

  ‘Just you wait, you too will become obsessed and I’ll have to sit there listening to yours for hours on end.’ Annie laughed.

  ‘Rude.’ Jess threw her a look. ‘Anyway, what’s the plan today?’

  ‘There was talk of a walk on the beach, then lunch back here. That’s as far as we got.’

  ‘Can I do anything for lunch?’ Jess realised this was somewhat overselling her cooking capabilities.

  ‘Sophie and Ed have done most of it, I think.’

  ‘That’s very generous of them.’

  ‘I’ve seen the quiche in the fridge. And she put the meringue for pudding in the oven before we went to bed last night.’

  ‘Seriously? There are people who do that?’ Jess couldn’t help but sound annoyed.

  ‘Come on, it gets us off the hook. You should be grateful.’

  Jess reached for a piece of cold toast from the rack in the middle of the table, smearing it with a thick slice of butter and dropping a spoonful of marmalade on top. ‘I’m only joking. Sort of.’ She looked at her sister and pulled a face. ‘Right, I’m going to take this and go and have a bath. See you in a bit.’

  ‘Jess, can I ask you a question?’ Annie had her serious face on.
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br />   ‘Oh God, you’re going to do the marriage talk, aren’t you?’

  ‘Well, I just don’t get it. Why don’t you want to get married? I mean, he has asked you, hasn’t he?’

  ‘Yes, of course he has. Right after I told him I was pregnant. Well, not right after, obviously. He was in shock for at least a couple of days. But then he asked me – and he said it wasn’t just because I was pregnant – but I said, can’t we just not get married? I don’t expect you to understand but, honestly, I don’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, But I don’t need him to marry me to prove it.’

  ‘So you really don’t want to ever get married?’ Annie poured some tea from the pot.

  ‘Not now, no… That might change, of course, but at the moment, I just don’t want to. God, you’re such a hopeless romantic, Annie.’

  ‘Oh, come on, I just want you to have the happy ending.’

  ‘But it’s not about an ending. It’s about now. And I’m happy now. You know?’

  ‘Yes, I suppose so. But if you change your mind, lots of people have old bridesmaids nowadays.’ Annie pointed at herself. ‘Just saying.’

  ‘Noted.’ Jess laughed and left the room, piece of toast in hand.

  Annie sat with her tea for a few moments, taking in the view from the kitchen window, then made her way back upstairs. She woke James gently. ‘Cup of tea?’

  ‘Ooh, thank you.’ He sat up, plumping the pillows behind his head before settling back with his still steaming cup. ‘God, I slept like a baby.’

  ‘I know. And notice anything?’

  ‘No, what?’ He looked at her, then around the room, wondering what he was missing.

  ‘Listen…’

  James couldn’t hear a thing. ‘The boys! Are they still asleep?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, they are.’ She climbed back into bed with him, slipping her hand underneath the sheets.

  ‘Well, what to do…?’

  ‘Mama…’ Ned stood at the door. ‘I can’t find Monkey.’

  James sighed, putting his tea down. He looked at Annie. ‘Thought it was too good to be true… Right, let’s go and find him.’ He turned back to her as he left the room. ‘I love you.’

  ‘I love you, too.’

  The party sat under the shade of the terrace at the back of the house, roses cascading down the walls on either side, their scent heavy in the warm air. The table was set with a beautiful white linen tablecloth and strewn with freshly picked flowers from the garden, and Sophie put the pudding in the centre, the pavlova now topped with a thick layer of cream and a small mountain of raspberries dusted with icing sugar. The children ran around the garden, shrieking with delight as they chased Monty, who was happily playing the fool.

  ‘He’s so sweet with the children, Emma.’ Annie watched them, noticing how Monty ran just fast enough to make them think he was making an effort but slow enough for them to catch him every now and again.

  ‘I know. He would have loved children of his own but… it just didn’t happen for us.’

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—’

  ‘Please don’t apologise, Annie. I’m not sad about it, really. I was for a long time, but it just wasn’t meant to be. And I’m not sure Ollie, my brother, will have any either. He’s certainly not showing any signs of settling down or having a family. Which is why it’s even more wonderful that Dad’s now got Ed and his kids. We feel like we’ve won the life lottery, inheriting you lot.’

  ‘That’s such a lovely thing to say! Thank you… I know, it’s quite extraordinary. How we were all connected but never knew. And when you think that it was Richard who brought Mum and your father back together without even being here…’

  ‘Yes, I suppose he did. How funny. Life is so much bigger than us, isn’t it? My mum always used to say it was what you did right there and then that mattered. Not what went before, or what happens after. It was just about being present when you were together.’

  Annie looked around the table. Patrick and Julia sat at one end, laughing together. ‘Do you mind that they’re together after all this time?’

  ‘Why on earth would I mind? Annie, it’s quite wonderful! I’ve not seen Dad so happy since, well, since Mum died. I know it’s only a matter of time before he tells me he’s moving down to live with her. I think the only reason he hasn’t before now is because he’s worried about what we’d think. But I’ve told him not to worry about us.’ Emma topped up her glass. ‘More wine, Vicar?’

  ‘Lovely, just a splash.’ Annie took a sip of the chilled white, the smell of cut grass in the glass matching that of the garden. ‘And what about Ed – is he what you expected?’

  ‘I’m not sure what I was expecting but it’s almost as if he’s totally it. Do you know what I mean?’

  ‘I know exactly! I thought the same. And he’s so like your father, I think.’

  ‘Yes… his eyes. But look at the shape of his face. It’s like your mother’s. And yours.’

  Annie looked at him, talking animatedly to Patrick. ‘So it is.’

  ‘So, you’re a painter, too? Dad told me you used to work in a gallery.’

  ‘Yes, I did… years ago, though.’ Annie was suddenly embarrassed to be talking about her work, feeling like a bit of a fraud. ‘I haven’t actually painted for such a long time. Basically, I just do up bits of furniture and sell them.’

  ‘Get much for them?’ Emma was as direct as Jess, thought Annie.

  ‘Not much, sadly… not for the time it takes to do them.’

  ‘But you enjoy doing it, right?’

  ‘Well, I guess. Not as much as painting, obviously. But I can’t sell my paintings.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Um… they’re not good enough?’

  ‘Says who?’

  ‘Me!’ Annie took another sip, a little larger this time.

  ‘OK, not good enough for you. But how do you know no one else will buy them unless you try? Sounds to me like you’re doing the furniture because you can’t bring yourself to put your paintings out there.’ Emma took a quick sip from her glass. ‘Have you got any on your phone you can show me?’

  ‘No I haven’t, but the funny thing is, a friend of mine said the same thing.’ Annie thought of Clare, her lovely loyal friend. ‘And now you… and rather annoyingly, I know you’re right. I just can’t quite bring myself to—’

  Emma held up her hand. ‘Right, that’s it. I’ve got a sketchpad and some paints upstairs. And you’re going to go and paint something this afternoon. You don’t have to show it to anyone. You just have to paint something. Anything. Deal?’

  Annie realised she wasn’t going to get away with making any other excuses. ‘OK, fine, you win. Thank you, Emma.’

  ‘My pleasure. I know someone who needs to paint when I see them.’ She got up from the table and headed into the house through the open French doors.

  James and Ed had left the table to take over playing with the children from Monty, now falling asleep in a deck chair in the garden. Annie took herself off on Emma’s orders to sketch and paint under the oak tree in the field beyond the garden. Emma, Patrick and Sophie went to explore the gardens, leaving Jess and Julia together at one end of the table, Jess with her feet up on Julia’s lap.

  ‘How are you feeling, darling?’

  ‘I’m good, Mum. You?’

  ‘I can’t quite believe I’m back here after all these years. But at the same time, it doesn’t feel strange at all.’

  ‘Would you change anything? I mean, if you could go back.’

  ‘Of course, but I can’t. If I hadn’t had to give up… Ed, I wouldn’t have had you. So no, of course I wouldn’t change that. And I have you all here now and nothing could make me happier.’

  Later that night, as they celebrated their reunion with a magnum of champagne shipped in at the last minute by Harry, Monty belted out songs on the slightly out-of-tune piano in the hall, mostly, and in parts thankfully, covered up by the repositioned record player.

  E
d twirled Edie around the makeshift dance floor; Isla perched precariously on his shoulders. Sophie danced with a delighted Johnnie, Harry flung a delirious Emma around and Monty whooped wildly at the piano. James and Annie tried their best to dance, hampered by Rufus and Ned, giggling madly as they clung to James’s legs. Ben and Jess stood, arms around each other, laughing as they watched. Beside them, Julia and Patrick took in the scene together.

  ‘Darling, I know we had to live another life until we got here. But I’m so happy to have found you again.’ Julia looked at Patrick.

  ‘And I’m happy that you said yes. To Rome, I mean. So what do we do now?’

  ‘This.’ Julia kissed him gently.

  ‘How could I have ever let you go?’ He held her face in his hands.

  ‘Because you had to. I asked you to. But I’m here now.’ Her eyes filled with tears. And then she smiled.

  18

  It was the kind of bright, January morning London does so well. The sky was cloudless, the air crisp. On the steps of the Old Town Hall a small group embraced each other warmly, all feathers and fake fur in stark contrast to the pale grey walls behind them.

  ‘You do look gorgeous in that get-up, darling.’ Annie grinned at her husband.

  ‘Why, thank you.’ James kissed the top of her head, narrowly missing the huge velvet flower she was wearing on the side of it.

  ‘Annie!’ Emma swept up the steps, resplendent in a scarlet cape, Monty behind.

  ‘Hi, Em! Look at you… you look amazing!’ More hugs were exchanged. ‘Now, where’s your father and my mother? I thought they’d be here by now?’

  ‘Haven’t you seen them yet? Honestly, they are bloody hopeless. I told them to leave enough time. The traffic was always going to be awful.’

  ‘Hey, you lot! Are you coming to our wedding or not?’ Ben called to the crowd from around the side of the door at the top of the steps.

  ‘Yes!’ The crowd cheered and slowly made their way inside. Once upstairs, they were ushered into a small, formal room with rows of chairs and a dark wooden desk at the front.