Running to Stand Still

by J Theron

  “It’s already irreversible.”

  “Danielle, don’t give up. He’s the father of your unborn baby. You are tied to him for life whether you like it or not.”

  “I know and it’s killing me.” Danielle slowly rose from the floor and walked to her bedroom. She got into bed and slept the rest of the weekend. Her agony was so profound, she was unable to eat or bathe herself. Rachel sat with her the whole time, never leaving her side.

  CHAPTER 15

  Danielle ran all the way to theatre and being five and a half months pregnant, she did not run as fast as she used to. One of her patients, a fifty year old father with three children still in primary school, had coronary artery bypass surgery the day before and he went into cardiac arrest in ICU that morning. She sat with the patient for three hours the day before the surgery, trying to allay his fears and discussing the surgery with him in the finest detail. She kept replaying his last words before he went into surgery over and over in her brain. “I trust you Doctor Rousseau. Please don’t let me die.”

  Danielle was frantic when she was paged by the head of ICU who informed her about the patient’s condition. She almost collapsed with relief when he told her the ICU team managed to resuscitate him. He was haemodynamically unstable though and had to be taken back to theatre urgently. The patient had developed a haemothorax and a pericardial tamponade and the surgical drains could not drain the blood fast enough.

  She stormed into theatre to find the head of her department, Professor John Steven already waiting for her. He was an attractive man in his early forties, with grey eyes and thick dark hair, greying slightly around the temples. He was tall and athletic and all the nurses had a crush on him. She knew he was divorced but he never talked about his personal life. He was already scrubbing and the anaesthesiologists were frantically preparing blood transfusions trying to stabilize the patient before starting the general anaesthetic.

  “Danielle, did you run all the way here from outpatients?” John’s voice was stern.

  “I did! Sorry! Did I not run fast enough?” She was out of breath as she started to scrub.

  “Why are you running when you’re pregnant?” He did not look at her but continued to scrub as he spoke.

  Danielle almost choked. She had not spoken to anyone in the department about her pregnancy, but she knew it was becoming obvious. She was very lean, and it was impossible to hide it. Still, she was completely taken aback by his forward manner.

  John continued in his stern tone of voice, “We’ll do the surgery and then you’ll meet me in my office. We need to discuss this. I can’t ignore it any longer. Obviously it will impact on the department if you have to take four months maternity leave.” He closed the taps with his elbows and walked into theatre to gown and glove. She was speechless as she stared after him but quickly pulled herself together.

  The surgery was relatively uneventful after they located the source of the bleeding but it took hours, and Danielle was mentally and physically exhausted as she removed the theatre gown and gloves at the end of surgery. Her gown was full of blood but the plastic apron underneath had kept her scrubs clean. As she discarded the dirty theatre clothes she thought about the dreaded conversation she was about to have with John. He was a fairly autocratic head of department and he did not take any nonsense.

  She knocked tentatively on the door as she reached his office. “Come in.” John’s voice was clipped. She stepped through the door and sat in one of the chairs in front of his desk. He was staring at her, his elbows on the desk and his fingertips resting together.

  “Danielle, I’m going to cut right to the chase. You and I both know that you’re pregnant and correct me if I’m wrong, but I do not recall a spouse on your application form for this job.” John did not take his eyes off her face as he spoke.

  Danielle narrowed her eyes. “I’m pregnant and yes, I’m single. Is there a stipulation in my contract that I’m not allowed to become pregnant during my residency? Or that I had to be married to be pregnant? If there is, I didn’t see it.” She could not keep the defiance out of her voice, even though she knew it was not smart to be cocky with the head of the department.

  John did not answer. Instead he stared at her for a long time before he sat back in his chair and smiled at her. “You are the best resident I’ve had in a long time. You’re going to be a brilliant surgeon. All I want to know is if you will be able to do this. Can you raise a child alone and be a surgeon? Do you have any support?”

  “My sister lives with me and she will help me. I’m planning to hire an au pair. I will be fine but thank you for your concern. Is that all?” She started to get up from the chair when he reached across the desk to halt her.

  “Where is the father?” he asked.

  “I don’t see how that is any of your business!” Danielle was losing her patience with this conversation.

  “Is he still in your life?” He did not back down.

  “He’s in France and I haven’t spoken to him in four months! Why are you divorced? Where is your wife?” She was livid and she could not control what was coming out of her mouth.

  John was silent for a few seconds and she could see he was contemplating his answer. “My wife left me for another man. I cannot have children and she never forgave me for my inability to father the baby she so desperately wanted.” He did not show any emotion as he spoke and Danielle wanted the earth to open up and swallow her whole.

  “I’m sorry. I did not mean any disrespect….” she stammered. John held up his other hand to halt her.

  “I deserved that. Let’s leave it at that.” He let go of her arm and she sat back down again. “I want to know if you will have dinner with me, Danielle.”

  “Excuse me?” She realised she was gaping and closed her mouth.

  “I want to take you to dinner. I would like us to get to know each other outside of work.”

  “Why do you want to take me out? I’m pregnant with another man’s child.” She was completely taken aback.

  “I have my reasons. Would you consider my request?” John asked earnestly.

  Danielle considered what he was saying. Maybe this was what she needed to get over Michael. John was a brilliant, enigmatic man, and there was no denying the fact that he was incredibly attractive. “I’m sorry. I can’t have dinner with you.”

  “May I ask why?”

  Danielle rose from the chair. “I’m in love with the father of my baby. I was delusional to think it would ever go away.”

  John slowly nodded. “I understand.”

  She did not reply but turned around and walked through the door. She had a phone call to make. It was time.

  CHAPTER 16

  Danielle was sitting on her bed and she could see the waves of Camps Bay and the palm trees swaying in the wind. She had to sit down because her legs felt like jelly. She looked at her phone for a long time before pressing the call button. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she was trembling so badly, she struggled to push the right button. She hadn’t heard of or spoken to Michael since she told him it was over. She was unsure if he would answer, but she had to try. The phone rang for a long time and she was just about to hang up when he answered.

  “Hello Danielle.” He sounded distant and Danielle felt her heart tear open all over again.

  “Hello Michael. I wasn’t sure if you would pick up.”

  “I almost didn’t.” At least he was honest.

  “How are you?” She knew it was a ridiculous question the moment she uttered it.

  “Why are you calling me?” Michael asked in a clipped voice.

  “We have to talk, Michael.”

  “I don’t have anything to say to you.”

  “I’m pregnant.” Danielle could hear Michael’s audible intake of breath but he quickly regained his composure.

  “Congratulations. Who’s the father?” he asked politely.

  Danielle winced. She knew she deserved it. “You are.” She stopped breathing. She was terrified
of his response and would not be able to bear it if he rejected her.

  “Are you telling me you were pregnant when you left me and did not tell me?” Michael asked incredulously.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to put pressure on you to do something that you would resent me for.”

  “How could you make such a decision for me? I deserved to know! It is my child too!”

  “I’m telling you now,” Danielle said defiantly.

  “Why are you telling me now?”

  “My reasons are not important. I would like you to be a part of her life. I would like my baby to know her father.” She tried to swallow back her tears but she failed.

  “It’s a girl?” He could not hide the emotion in his voice.

  “Yes. Her name is Michaela.” She was crying and her voice caught as she said the baby’s name.

  Michael exploded. “How dare you, Danielle! You cannot phone me after months of silence and then drop this bomb on me. You ripped my heart out and now you are ramming it down my throat!”

  “Please Michael, don’t push me away. I need you. I can’t do this alone. You told me once that you would come to Cape Town with me. I’m asking you now to come to me.” She was sobbing but she did not care that she was losing all her dignity. “I love you. I’m dying without you. Every time I feel our baby move it rips my heart in two!”

  He was cold and detached when he spoke again. “I can’t just pack up and leave France indefinitely. I have a life here.”

  “Michael, I’m begging you to come back to South Africa.” Danielle struggled to get the words out. She felt as if the misery was choking her. He was quiet for a long time before he spoke. She could only imagine what was going through his mind.

  “I will come to Cape Town, but I need you to understand that I meant it when I told you I was done. This is for my baby, not for you. I don’t know how long I will stay or when I will come. I will be there before the baby is born. That is all I can say for now.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, but you hurt me too. You left me first, but you conveniently forget about that. You took the love and adoration of a sixteen year old girl, and crushed it,” she said defiantly. “For a whole year I mourned you. I refused to speak to Thomas for that whole time because I blamed him for my heartache. You say I ripped your heart out, but you did exactly the same to me. Maybe I wanted some payback!”

  She gasped as the words spilled out of her mouth. As she said it she instantly knew there was some truth behind it. Somewhere in the back of her mind she wanted to get back at him for making her suffer so acutely when she was sixteen. She could hear Michael breathing on the other side of the line. She suspected it was to regain his composure.

  “Finally we are getting somewhere. It all makes sense now, Danni.” He said her name as if it was an ugly swear word. “I never figured you for the malicious type. It was quite the scheme, making me fall in love with you all over again and then dumping me. I must give you credit. Did you follow me to Avignon and just conveniently sit in my favourite restaurant at the exact time I usually eat there? You did your homework well. Saving your virginity for me was a brilliant touch I should add. I think that is what sealed the deal! But unfortunately your plan backfired because you became pregnant and now you’re stuck with me. That must be very inconvenient for you.”

  “You can go to hell, Michael! I must have been delusional to think I would get any kind of support from you. You’re a bastard. Don’t come to Cape Town. I just realised I don’t need you after all.”

  Danielle slammed the phone down and breathed rapidly to control the nausea that washed over her. She realised she was losing the battle and ran to the toilet where she expelled the contents of her stomach in violent heaves. When the nausea passed she stood upright and looked at herself in the mirror. She washed her face and brushed her teeth and a steely resolve came over her. She knew she would never get over Michael but she had to move on. Her sanity depended on it.

  She walked back to her bedroom and picked up her phone again and pressed the call button. She did not think about what she was doing, she only knew she could not continue as she was now. He answered after a few seconds.

  “Danielle? Is something wrong?” John sounded surprised to hear from her.

  “Do you still want to take me out to dinner?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “I’ll be ready at eight o’clock. I’ll text you my address,” she said with determination.

  “Why the sudden change of heart?” John sounded curious.

  “Let’s just say I came to my senses and leave it at that, shall we.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you tonight. I look forward to it.”

  “Me too.” Danielle winced as she said the words. She waited for lightning to strike her for lying so blatantly. John disconnected the call and she rested her head in her hands. She was unsure if she was making the biggest mistake of her life.

  Danielle was surprised when she enjoyed dinner that evening. John was incredibly intelligent and he had an unexpected sense of humour. They sat in the restaurant until it was completely empty and she was disappointed when the owner reluctantly pointed out that it was well beyond closing time. John was very polite when he walked her to her door and kissed her on her cheek briefly before leaving.

  He was professional at work, never indicating that he was interested in her romantically, but he asked her out every night when they were not on call. He never tried to kiss her or touch her and she could not decide if she was disappointed or relieved. Rachel did not comment on this new development, but Danielle could tell she did not approve.

  It was two weeks later when Rachel finally broke her silence. Danielle was getting ready to go out with John when Rachel came into her room and leaned against the door frame, watching Danielle intently. “Are you going out with him again this evening?” Rachel had a frown on her face when Danielle turned to face her.

  “I am. Is that a problem?” Danielle asked defensively.

  “Don’t you find it strange that a very attractive and eligible bachelor would go for a woman six months pregnant with another man’s baby?”

  “Rachel, I haven’t asked him about his motives but I think I have an idea why my pregnancy doesn’t bother him.”

  “Pray tell, because I cannot for the life of me figure out why!” Rachel sounded perplexed and shook her head as she spoke.

  “He can’t have children. That is why his wife left him. Maybe he figures if he dates someone who has a baby already, it won’t be an issue.” Danielle took a deep breath before continuing. “I just want to forget. I don’t care what his motives are. I want to rip Michael from my heart and my brain and I don’t know how else to do it!”

  “This is a mistake, Danielle. I feel it in my bones. It will come back and bite you. It’s never a good idea to use your boss to get over your ex!” Rachel walked towards Danielle and hugged her. “You should try to patch things up with Michael.” Danielle pushed Rachel away gently.

  “No. It’s over. I’m doing this.” They both jumped when the doorbell rang. “Rachel, that’s John. Please open the door, I’m not ready.”

  Rachel did not say anything else but she shook her head as she walked to the door. She greeted John politely and invited him to sit down. Danielle finished the last of her make-up and tried to smooth her loose white silk blouse over her long black pants. She was grateful for being so tall because it made her pregnancy less obvious along with the fact that she had hardly gained any weight because of stress and heartache.

  Rachel was in the open plan kitchen and she had a clear view of the living room, but she did not make any attempt to speak to John while Danielle was still getting ready. Rachel could not help but notice how attractive and sensual John was. He seemed at ease in his own skin and he exuded a quiet self-assurance that was mesmerising. Rachel pinched her leg and busied herself with her tea. She had to stop gawking at her sister’s date.

  John immediately rose to his feet whe
n Danielle entered the room and walked towards her with a smile on his face. He took her hand and admired her. He looked casual in his jeans and grey knitted sweater and the look made him seem a lot younger. Danielle still had to get used to casual John. She was so used to seeing him in expensive tailored suits when he was not in scrubs.

  “Hi Danielle. You look beautiful.” John kissed her cheek and she noticed that he smelled nice, but that she did not feel anything when he was this close to her. She quickly suppressed the thought and dragged him through the door.

  “Bye Rachel! I’ll see you later.”

  “I’m going out, Danni. Business dinner. Enjoy your movie.” Rachel closed the door behind Danielle with a loud thump.

  John was quiet as they drove to the cinema and Danielle could tell that something was on his mind. “Why does your sister not like me?”

  She was not surprised that he had picked up on Rachel’s animosity. “She’s concerned about my wellbeing. It has nothing to do with you personally.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not now. Can we just enjoy the movie and not think too much?” She was staring out the window as they drove and an agonising pain gripped her heart as she thought of Michael.

  The movie was entertaining and Danielle was sitting quietly with her hands in her lap. She was surprised when John took her hand and linked her fingers with his as he placed their hands on his upper thigh. She could feel the strong muscles of his leg flex underneath her hand as he straightened his long legs. She could not concentrate on the movie.

  All she could think of was her hand in his and the warmth of his body where her hand rested. It was a pleasant feeling and it scared her. He did not let go of her hand when they walked out of the cinema. He only released her hand when he opened the door to his car, a black Audi TT. She climbed in and sat quietly while he walked around the car. She suddenly felt trapped in the small space and had to take deep breaths to calm herself.