Running to Stand Still

by J Theron

  John did not touch her again while he drove them to her apartment but he did get out and walked up the two flights of stairs to her door. Danielle was nervous as she unlocked the door to her apartment and she hesitated in the doorway as the door swung open. The apartment was completely dark and the light from the landing partially lit the entry hall.

  She turned to bid him goodnight when he stepped forward and took her face in his hands. He bent his head and kissed her gently on the mouth. She was momentarily stunned and kissed him back, opening her mouth to let his tongue touch hers. It was a slow sensual kiss and he tasted divine. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he placed his hands on her lower back, pulling her towards him. She could feel his arousal against her pregnant stomach and suddenly she wanted to be free from his embrace.

  It felt wrong and she could not stand the thought that it was John kissing her and not Michael. Everything about John was wrong. His skin felt different, he smelled different and the magnetic pull was absent. It dawned on Danielle that she would never want anyone other than Michael. She pushed John away gently and nervously took a step back.

  “John, why are you doing this? Why me? I don’t understand,” she asked, the confusion evident in her eyes as she searched his face.

  “You’re beautiful and brilliant and one of the most gifted surgeons I’ve come across. You show a level of compassion for your patients I have rarely witnessed in other residents. You’ve dazzled me since the moment I laid eyes on you. It was incredibly difficult working with you day after day and not being able to do anything about it.”

  John held her face between his hands and pulled her towards him. She leaned back and pushed at his chest with her hand until he let go.

  “I’m pregnant,” she stated simply.

  John pushed his hands through his hair in agitation. “I never want to get involved with a single woman without children again. I don’t want her to choose between me and a baby. Don’t you see? I was relieved when I realised you were pregnant and single. It meant I had a chance. You already have your baby and I would love this child like my own.” John put his hands on her shoulders and leaned forward to kiss her on the forehead. “Are you going to invite me in?”

  “Okay, but we need to talk.”

  Danielle turned and walked into the apartment and turned on the light. She almost had a heart attack when she looked up and saw Michael sitting on the couch facing the front door. He was dressed casually in jeans and a blue Billabong sweater which accentuated his piercing blue eyes. His hair was short and slightly dishevelled and he had two day old stubble on his face. He was finally in her house after months of mourning his loss and she could not take her eyes off him. He was watching her intently and did not move or speak. There was no doubt he heard and saw everything that had just transpired between her and John.

  “Michael, what are you doing here? Why are you sitting in the dark?” Her voice was bordering on hysterical as she stumbled towards him.

  “Rachel let me in. She’s not here.” His voice was soft and completely flat and emotionless. He looked at her and momentarily focused on her pregnant abdomen. A flicker of emotion passed over his face before the mask came down again. Danielle was frozen, unable to tear her eyes away from him when she became aware of John’s presence behind her.

  “Who is this, Danielle?” John asked as he stepped into the apartment.

  “I guess I can ask the same question, Danni,” Michael said as he slowly rose from the couch. The animosity was coming off him in waves and Danielle could feel the hysteria bubbling up inside her as the absurdity of the situation dawned on her.

  She turned around and faced John. “He’s the one. Michael is the father of my baby. I need to speak to him alone. Would you forgive me if I asked you to leave? I’ll see you at work,” she said, unable to hide the fact that she was barely keeping it together.

  “Please don’t leave on my account, John is it?” Michael said. He crossed his arms over his chest and watched them speculatively.

  John stared at Michael before turning to Danielle. “I will leave you if you are sure you will be okay here alone with him.” John tilted his head in Michael’s direction.

  Michael unfolded his arms and took a step in John’s direction. “What does that mean? You don’t know me. Who the hell are you to insinuate Danielle won’t be okay in my company!” Michael glared at John but John did not back down.

  “I do not know you, you’re right. All I see is that you abandoned Danielle when she became pregnant and that it took you six months to show up. It’s six months too late unfortunately. You’re sadly mistaken if you think I will let you fuck with her,” John said with barely contained fury.

  Danielle gasped and she grabbed John’s arm to explain when Michael exploded. “Fuck you! What the FUCK do you know? I only found out she’s pregnant two weeks ago. I dropped everything to rush to Cape Town to the girl who broke my heart, and then I find you here with your fucking hands all over her, declaring your undying devotion to my baby! Fuck this. I’m out of here!”

  Michael picked up his jacket and his suitcase and tried to push past them to the door when John grabbed his arm to stop him. Michael halted and looked at John’s hand on his arm. He spoke softly in a menacing tone. “If you don’t remove your hand from my arm I will rearrange your fucking face.”

  John gaped at him when Michael’s words registered. He slowly put both his hands in the air in a silent apology. They stared at each other and the explosive tension was radiating between them.

  John took a step back before he spoke in a much calmer voice than before. “I was out of line. I spoke without having all the information and I apologise. I will leave. You clearly need to speak to Danielle.” John touched Danielle’s cheek with his finger before turning around and walking through her door. He gently shut it behind him as he walked out.

  CHAPTER 17

  Danielle turned back to Michael as the door shut behind John. Michael dropped his jacket on the couch and put down his suitcase. He was staring at her intently and then he slowly walked towards her. She could feel her heart thumping in her chest and she had to fist her hands to stop them from trembling. She could not believe he was standing in front of her and the elation mixed with fear at seeing him again was overwhelming.

  “Michael, I’m sorry. He made his own assumptions. I have never told him anything about us.” She was distraught and she was scared he would still walk out the door.

  “I know. I’m sorry I lost my temper.” Michael stopped inches away and she watched in fascination as he knelt in front of her and put his warm hands on her stomach. He kissed her swollen belly before whispering softly against her skin, “Hello Michaela. I’m your daddy. I’m pleased to meet you.”

  Danielle was startled when the baby kicked forcefully right where his mouth was touching her stomach. He jumped and pulled his face away before laughing. “She kicked me in the face!” He looked up at her and his blue eyes were sparkling with love and adoration for their baby.

  She could no longer stand it and she sagged to her knees in front of him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. “I’m so glad you came. I thought I would never see you again!” She could not get close enough and the feel and the smell of him was intoxicating. It was a long time before she realised he did not hug her back, but sat motionless with his hands on his legs. She pulled back slowly and her eyes filled with tears.

  “Michael, don’t shut me out. I missed you desperately. I love you.” She tried to touch his face but he pulled away and she halted her hand mid-air.

  “I can see you really missed me. I come back and I find you kissing another man. You must love me very much,” he said sarcastically.

  “That’s not fair. I thought we were over.” Her voice broke as she said the last word.

  “Funny how I could not bear the thought of touching another woman, even when I thought we were over, as you so aptly put it.” He pushed himself to his feet and reached down to hel
p her up. He let go as soon as she was on her feet and stood back to put some distance between them. She watched him wearily and decided not to push him too far.

  “I will call another taxi to take me to a hotel. I came here straight from the airport and I didn’t plan properly.” He turned around and walked back to the couch to pick up his cellular phone that was lying on his discarded jacket. She followed him and gently took the phone from his hand and placed it on the coffee table before he could dial.

  “Please stay here. We have an extra room. It’s late and I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon for an ultrasound. I would like you to come with me.”

  She studied his face as she spoke. She realised he looked tired and weary and there was a sadness in his eyes she had never seen before.

  “Danielle, I can’t do this. I can’t stay in this apartment with you.” Michael sat down on the couch with his face in his hands.

  Danielle kneeled in front of him and placed her hands on his upper thighs. “Why can’t you stay? I want you here. I’ve dreamed of having you here since I left Avignon,” she said.

  He took her hands and gently pushed them from his legs. “It’s not fair to either of us. It’s over between us and I don’t want to give you the impression that I’m here for reconciliation,” he replied. Danielle felt as if someone had kicked her in the gut.

  He brushed his hand over his face before he spoke again. “I’m so sorry for all the hurtful things I’ve said to you. It was absurd of me to accuse you of seducing me deliberately. I’ve wished a thousand times I could take the words back. I was broken when you left me. I was so angry with you and all that anger boiled over when you told me you were pregnant.” Michael reached for Danielle and pulled her from the floor onto the couch, but he immediately rose when she was seated. He looked down at her as he spoke.

  “It doesn’t change the fact that I feel betrayed because you saw fit to kick me to the curb when things got tough, even though you were pregnant. You once told me you have a long memory, but so do I and seeing you kiss another man tonight only confirm what I have already suspected.”

  “What is that, Michael?” She almost choked on the words.

  “If you truly loved me with your whole soul, as you claimed, you would have never left me. You would have done anything and given up everything to be with me. I was prepared to do that.” He turned away and walked to the windows to look at the ocean. He was silent for a few moments before he continued.

  “And you sure as hell would never have kissed another man while pregnant with my child.” His eyes were as cold as ice as he turned back to face her. “You should have told me about the baby. You lied to me. Maybe not a direct lie but an omission, and to me it’s one and the same.”

  Danielle was staring at Michael as he spoke and she was in such acute agony, she couldn’t breathe. For the first time it really dawned on her that he might never take her back. Somewhere in the back of her mind she always thought he would take her back if she changed her mind. He had loved her so completely and she betrayed him.

  “Please don’t stop dating this man you kissed tonight on my account. If he makes you happy that’s good.” He picked up his phone from the coffee table and phoned a taxi to pick him up. After he made the arrangements he spoke to Danielle who sat motionless, staring into space.

  “I will stay at the Twelve Apostles Hotel. What time is the ultrasound?”

  “I have to be there at one o’clock,” she said calmly.

  “I’ll pick you up at nine. We can go somewhere for breakfast first. Goodbye, Danielle. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m going to wait for the taxi outside.” He picked up his suitcase and jacket and opened the door. He paused in the doorway for a few seconds before walking out and shutting it behind him.

  Danielle stared at the closed door for a long time. Her shallow breaths were tearing through her chest and when the sobs came out, she could not control them. Her heart was torn in two and it was her own doing. She did not know how she would survive the pain. The only thing that kept her sane was the small baby kicking inside her.

  Danielle woke the next morning with an acute sense of despair washing over her. She was fine for those first few seconds after she woke up until she remembered Michael was back and he did not want her anymore. She had to force herself to get up and get dressed. She looked into Rachel’s room and realised she did not come home last night. It was probably her way of giving them privacy. Not that they needed any. She picked up the landline phone in the living room and dialled Rachel’s number. Rachel answered immediately.

  “Danielle, are you okay?”

  “No Rachel, I’m not okay. Where are you?”

  “I’m at work. I stayed with a friend last night. I wanted to give you space to speak to Michael.”

  “I came home and kissed John in the open doorway of our apartment only to find Michael sitting on the couch with a clear view of the front door,” Danielle said angrily. “Why didn’t you warn me? You could have texted me, phoned me, anything!”

  “I did! I phoned you twenty times but your phone was turned off. I was frantic. I was worried that something would happen but I couldn’t refuse when Michael asked if he could wait for you in our apartment. I thought about driving back home but I couldn’t get away from the stupid business dinner. Michael seemed excited at the prospect of seeing you again. What a colossal fuck up!”

  “Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Sorry Rachel! I turned my phone off in the cinema and forgot to turn it on. It’s still in my handbag. My head is complete mush lately.” Danielle pressed her knuckles against her forehead in agitation. “He’s so angry with me! I don’t know what to do!”

  “Do you love him, Danni? Truly love him?”

  “More than life. I should never have broken up with him. It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made. As I kissed John last night I realised that I can’t stand another man touching me.”

  “Then you have to fight for him,” Rachel said simply. “He wouldn’t be this angry unless he was still desperately in love with you.”

  “I hope so. I can’t do this without him.”

  “It will be okay. I promise,” Rachel said soothingly.

  “I have to tell mom and dad I’m pregnant. They’re going to freak out. And I have to tell my boss that I used him to get over my ex who hates my guts.” Danielle sounded desolate.

  “Yes to telling mom and dad. No to telling John you used him! But you can’t hide from this anymore. It makes it worse. Tell John you need to work it out with Michael for the baby’s sake.”

  “You’re right. You’re always right. I’m so fucked up. I don’t know left from right.” Danielle struggled to keep her tears at bay.

  “I’m working late tonight. I will text you before I arrive. Maybe Michael will be with you. Keep your phone turned on!”

  “I love you, Rachel. I will see you tonight.”

  “I love you too, Danni.”

  Danielle placed the phone on the hook and had a quick breakfast and a shower. She dressed in a loose flowery feminine dress that gathered under her breasts with a thin ribbon and it had thin straps over her shoulders. Her legs and arms were very thin and her shoulders bony. She decided that she had to eat a bit more as she studied herself in the mirror.

  It was exactly nine o’clock when Michael knocked on the door. She opened the door with a look of apprehension on her face because she had no idea what to expect from him. He was dressed smartly in dark pants and a white button shirt and his face was clean shaven. His eyes were clear as he studied her and he looked worried as he placed his hand on her shoulder. He stood very close as he looked down at her and she had to use all her willpower not to grab his face and kiss him.

  “Why does it look as if you’ve lost weight, Danielle? That can’t be healthy for the baby…” His voice trailed off as he spoke. He was staring at her intently and she felt the familiar pull towards him that left her momentarily disorientated.

  “Hello Michael.” She took his hand and pulled
him through the door. “You’re exactly on time as usual.”

  “Are you ready to go?” he asked politely.

  “Let me just get my bag.” Danielle walked into her bedroom to her closet and was surprised when he followed her. He was standing in the door of her bedroom when he noticed the photo on her bedside table. It was a photo of them when they were teenagers. They were sitting on the beach in Jeffreys Bay and they were laughing at the camera. It was sunset and he had his arm around her.

  “Thomas took that photo,” she said.

  “I remember. I desperately wanted him to go away and leave me alone with you, but he was stuck to you like glue.” Michael leaned against the door frame. He turned his gaze to her and her heart caught in her throat as he stared at her. His eyes were blazing with an unidentifiable emotion.

  “Why did you leave me, Michael? Why did you not tell me you loved me? You were my first love. It crushed my heart. I never really recovered from it. Every man I met paled in comparison to you.” Danielle pressed on her chest with her palm as she spoke.

  Michael shrugged. “Thomas was in love with you. He was my little brother. He trusted me and he confided in me. I had to listen to him go on and on about how much he loved you and how scared he was to tell you. I never told him how I felt. I tried to stay away from you when I realised he was in love with you too, but in the end I couldn’t do it. He never suspected that I had feelings for you until he saw me kissing you. That crushed his heart, and I did that to him. To this day I don’t think he has really forgiven me.” He brushed his hand over his face in agitation.

  “I didn’t want Thomas. I wanted you! I would have waited for you if you asked me to. I would have followed you to the ends of the earth.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks with her fingertips. “I love you, Michael. It consumes me. Every breath I take is for you and our baby.” Danielle walked to Michael and placed her hands on his face. “Please forgive me? Please take me back!” She could not stop the tears running over her face.