Elliott

by Catherine Lievens

  Elliott kissed Mal’s cheek and stepped away. He looked at Mihaja, wondering what his mate would think of him being so affectionate with someone who wasn’t Mihaja, but Mihaja just smiled and tilted his chin toward the stove. “Why are you cooking? I thought I’d told you I’d bring dinner back.”

  Mal sprang back into action, hurrying toward the stove and checking the bowl. “Dessert. We can’t have a meal without dessert.”

  Elliott walked back to the table and gathered the strawberries he’d cut. He put them in a bowl while Mihaja took plates and silverware from the cupboards and put everything on the table. The three of them worked in a comfortable silence, and Elliott found himself surprised when he realized just how close Mihaja was to him.

  They could touch if either one of them extended his arm to the side, but neither of them did. Elliott took a few moments to analyze his feelings, and while there was a part of him that told him he needed to put more space between him and Mihaja, that Mihaja could spring forward and grab him, hurt him, Elliott ignored it. It wasn’t easy, and he found himself flinching more than once as Mihaja reached forward to put down napkins or glasses, but he managed.

  Mihaja smiled at him as they sat to eat once Mal had put the cheesecake together and stuck it in the fridge, and Elliot smiled back. He knew something would happen after dinner. What, he didn’t know, and he hoped he wouldn’t freak out like he had the first few times Mal had touched him. It had taken almost a year for Elliott to get used to it, but he didn’t want to take so much time with Mihaja.

  His wolf seemed to approve. It whined in Elliott’s mind and tried to reach out to Mihaja. Elliott’s problem was human, for the most part. It was his human half who was afraid to be hurt again, raped again. It was his human part who felt ashamed of what had happened, who felt like he should have done more to prevent it and stop it. His wolf hated that they’d been hurt, but it felt like it’d done everything it could to protect them, and Elliott agreed.

  He shook his head, not wanting to think about the past right now, and ate a shrimp. He could feel Mal’s gaze on him, and when he looked up, Mal pointedly looked at Mihaja and arched a brow in question. Elliott shrugged, and Mal rolled his eyes. He made kissy faces, almost causing Elliott to choke on another shrimp as he tried to smother his laugh with his hand. He put his napkin in front of his lips and coughed.

  “Are you all right?” Mihaja asked from beside him. He was leaning toward Elliott, his arm extended as if he’d been about to tap Elliott’s back to help him but had stopped midway.

  Elliott slid to the side of his chair, putting more space between them, and Mihaja let his hand fall. “I’m fine. Just... swallowed wrong.”

  Mal snorted, but when Elliott looked at him, he appeared very interested in what was on his plate. Elliott was pretty sure he knew exactly what Mal was thinking about, but he didn’t think he’d see that kind of action any time soon.

  Mal was the last one to finish eating since he took two slices of cheesecake, and when Mihaja got up and brought his plate to the sink, Mal stopped him. “Go on, you two. You need to talk. I can clean up.”

  “But you made dessert. I should be the one cleaning up,” Mihaja said.

  “Consider this a free pass. You’ll have to clean up next time, though.” Mal tilted his head toward the door. “Now shoo and go do what mates do. God knows I’d jump on the occasion if I had someone.”

  Mihaja looked at Elliott in question and Elliott shrugged. “It’s easier to go along with him, trust me. He always gets what he wants.”

  Mal grinned. “Too true. I’ll make sure to use my ear plugs tonight.”

  Elliott blushed. “I don’t think you’ll need them.”

  “Never say never. Now go before I change my mind.”

  Mal pushed Elliott toward the door and Elliott left the kitchen, Mihaja close behind. They paused in the hallway and looked at each other just as Mal turned the stereo back on. Elliott sighed. “I think we need to talk. You probably need to know what I went through.”

  “I don’t, not if you don’t want me to,” Mihaja said.

  Elliott wanted to believe him, so much, but he knew it would be better this way. “I’d rather have you find out about it from me than from someone else in the pack. Some of them are assholes, and, well... let’s just say we don’t like each other at all.”

  Mihaja nodded. “All right. Where do you want to do this? Living room?”

  Elliott thought about it. The living room would be great because it was neutral, but it also meant they wouldn’t be able to kiss, not if they wanted to keep out of Mal’s sight. Mihaja’s room was out of the question, but a part of Elliott was afraid to go to his room. What would happen if Mihaja tried something and Elliott freaked out? Would he be able to stay in his room after that?

  “I need you to promise me you won’t try to touch me,” he said regretfully.

  “I promise. You can even tie me up, if that’s what you need to feel safe.”

  “I don’t think it’ll come to that, but I’ll keep it in mind.”

  “Shall we go, then?”

  * * * *

  Mihaja followed Elliott into his room. He looked around, surprised to see some boxes had already been emptied and were waiting by the door to be taken out. The room was still a mess, but it was also already personalized—a few framed pictures on the dresser, books piled on the nightstand, a cowboy hat on the chair in the corner.

  Elliott sat on the bed and pressed his palms on his thighs. “So, this is it.”

  Mihaja smiled. “I like what you did with the place.”

  Elliott stuck his tongue out. “Very funny. I moved in today, you know.”

  Mihaja decided the chair next to the window was far enough that Elliott wouldn’t be scared, so he took the cowboy hat and put it on the dresser, then sat. “I know. I’m actually surprised you had the time to empty boxes.”

  “I could have emptied more of them, but, well, I wasn’t sure it was a good idea.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, we’re mates, so we’ll probably end up in the same room sooner or later. I’d have to pack and unpack again.”

  “We don’t have to.”

  Elliott huffed. “I know that. I know you’re trying to give me space, and I’m grateful for it, but I want those things with you. I want to sleep with you, and kiss you, and mate and have sex and all those other things mates and lovers do.”

  Mihaja leaned forward and Elliott leaned backward, even though there was plenty of space between them. “I know you want that, but you’re obviously not ready, Elliott. I’m not even touching you, yet you’re shying away from me.”

  Elliott brought his knees up and hugged them. “I hate it, you know? I hate that I’m always scared and that I can’t be with people who were my friends before, just because an asshole decided to play God with my life.”

  Elliott was obviously ready to talk about what had happened to him, so Mihaja leaned back in the chair and listened, his fingers linked together on his stomach.

  “The old alpha sold me and a few others to the lab. He thought it was good riddance, I guess. We were young, and weak, and I’m pretty sure he knew we were gay. Well, except for Jonah. He doesn’t look gay at all, even though his mate’s a man. We all ended up in the same lab, at least in the beginning. They took Jonah away after a while, then I was moved. I thought it was to another lab, but it—it wasn’t. The company sold me to a man, and I thought he’d do what they did to me in the lab, but it wasn’t... That’s not why he bought me. He wanted a sexual slave, and he used me as one.”

  Mihaja tightened his hands together. He felt his nails penetrate the flesh of his palms, but the pain was good. It was enough to keep him sitting there, even if he’d rather go hunt the man who’d hurt his mate.

  “I’m not sure how long I stayed with him. It’s not like I had a calendar or anything. But Jonah found me, and he freed me. I’ve barely left my parents’ house since the
n.” He looked up, straight at Mihaja. “I don’t think I need to tell you what he did to me.”

  So Elliott hadn’t been raped once, but repeatedly. He’d probably also been tortured to make him compliant. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

  “Yeah, me too. I know I should be over it by now, but it’s hard.”

  Mihaja frowned. “Why should you be over it? It’s only been a year. I think you’re doing remarkably well.”

  Elliott smiled softly. “That’s what Gentry always says, but I don’t know if it’s true. I mean, I’m a man. I shouldn’t let it get to me, right?”

  Mihaja wanted to go to Elliott, to get on his knees and hug his mate, to keep him safe, but he couldn’t, not without scaring Elliott. “Who told you that?”

  Elliott shrugged. “Lots of people. What happened to me came out, I still don’t know how, and, well, people talk. I tried to return to a normal life in the beginning, you know? But people always talked and looked at me, and I hated it. It was easier to stay home. Safer. Less painful.”

  “Is that the reason you stayed home?”

  “In part. Yeah, I hated the way they talked to me, but I’m also scared shitless, especially of men. I can take one or two together, especially if they’re my friends, but random pack members? Nope.”

  “Can I ask who you feel comfortable with?”

  “My parents, obviously. Mal, Jonah, Merle, Simon. Zach. Kameron, but not always. I can’t be with him alone, even though I know he won’t hurt me. It’s just that he’s big, you know? He could hurt me easily if he wanted to.”

  Mihaja smiled. “Good thing I’m not that much bigger than you, then.”

  Elliott finally smiled. “Yeah, that’s good. You’re not threatening.”

  Elliott had to be about five foot eight, while Mihaja reached five foot ten. They were both slight, even though Mihaja had plenty of muscles. They were just lean rather than bulky.

  “So... what do we do?” Elliott asked hesitantly.

  “I don’t know, Elliott. Whatever you feel up to.”

  Elliott’s face fell, and Mihaja wasn’t sure why. He wanted to reassure his mate, but he didn’t know how, not if Elliott didn’t tell him how he felt.

  “Right,” Elliott said, his voice cracking. “I should have known.”

  “Known what?”

  “That you wouldn’t want me once you knew.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  Elliott seemed to become even smaller as he huddled on the bed. “I get it. I’m used, and it was my fault. Why would you want a mate like me when you could have someone much better? We can stick to being housemates. I don’t mind. I guess we went too fast. We should have talked before moving into the same house, but I promise I’ll stay out of your way.”

  Mihaja felt lost. He had no idea how Elliott had gotten that from Mihaja’s words, and he wasn’t sure how to solve it, but he knew he had to try. He fell on his knees and knee-walked toward the bed, making sure to go slow and that Elliott could always see his hands.

  He stopped just in front of Elliott and slowly raised his hands. Elliott watched him with huge eyes, and Mihaja put his hands on Elliott’s feet. He didn’t touch any other part of Elliott’s body, just his feet.

  “I don’t even know where to begin.”

  “With what?” Elliott asked.

  “With what you said. There are so many things I need to answer, but I think the most important one is that I don’t want us to be housemates, Elliott. I want us to be mates. I want what you want—the mating, the sex, the love, all of it.”

  “But—”

  Mihaja squeezed Elliott’s feet and Elliott snapped his mouth shut.

  “But nothing. I want all of it, but I’m not about to rush you and scare you. You’re my mate, and while we just met, I know I’ll fall in love with you. The last thing I want is to scare you. That’s why I’ll let you do things at your pace. You want to mate a year from now? Fine with me. You want to mate next week? Also fine. You want to have sex? Perfect. You don’t want to? Okay with me. I’ll take whatever you feel like giving me, Elliot. I’m not going to try to compromise with you on that.”

  “But you’re part of this relationship, too,” Elliott protested. “You should get something out of it.”

  “And I do. I got to see you singing in the kitchen, carefree and happy. I got to hold your hand, and listen to you as you confided things hard to say, things you probably only told a few people.”

  Elliott shook his head. “That’s not a good basis for a relationship.”

  “Maybe for you, but for me it is, so don’t try to put this on me. If you don’t want me, us, then say so. Don’t try to hide behind what you think I want.”

  Mihaja knew he was pushing, maybe too hard, but he thought Elliott needed it. “So now I’m the one asking you—what do we do?”

  Elliott’s voice was soft when he answered. “Do you really want to mate with me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Even after what I told you happened to me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Even if we might not have sex for years?”

  “Yes, Elliott. I’m not going to hide the fact that I’m attracted to you, but I can go without sex. My hand will see a bit of action, but I’ve been in a lab, too, remember? I’ve been there, even though what happened to me wasn’t nearly as bad, and I’ve been alone since I got out of it. I’m used to going without sex. I can go on for another while, even if it’s years. So, what do we do?”

  Mihaja was happy to see Elliott really take his time to think before answering. He didn’t know what was going on inside Elliott’s head, but he hoped his words had reassured his mate, because he didn’t know what else could.

  Elliott slowly nodded. “Okay.”

  “Okay?”

  “I know what I want to do.”

  Mihaja smiled. “And that is?”

  “I want to mate with you.”

  Chapter Four

  Mihaja blinked. “Mate with me?”

  “Yes.” Elliott knew it was a shot in the dark. They’d met only a few days before and they’d talked only that first day and today. They didn’t know each other. But Mihaja seemed to be ready to do what Elliott wanted and needed, and he’d said he wanted to mate with Elliott. He hadn’t been expecting Elliott to want it now, obviously, and Elliott hoped he’d say yes.

  Mihaja cocked his head, and it was so cute Elliott wanted to kiss him. God, how much he wanted that. But every time he decided this was it, that he was going to lean closer and kiss Mihaja, fear gripped him and didn’t let go until he moved away. He hated it, so much, yet he couldn’t change it.

  “Why?” Mihaja asked.

  “I thought you wanted to.”

  Mihaja squeezed Elliott’s feet. “I do. I’m just wondering why you want to do this now.”

  Elliott sighed. He’d known Mihaja would want an explanation, and he was prepared to give it. He just wished he didn’t have to, that he didn’t have to take all these precautions. “That way I’ll be able to feel what you feel.”

  “And you’ll know I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You know it’s not an exact science.”

  “Of course I do. I know it’s not precise and that you could hide things from me if you wanted to, but it’s still more than I have now. It can only help, right?”

  “Maybe.”

  “So? Are you going to do it?” Elliott tried to make it sound like he didn’t really care, but even he could hear the needy tone of his voice, and he hated it. He wanted a normal relationship. He wanted to be able to kiss his mate without fear flooding him. He wanted to be able to have sex, to go out and have fun with his friends without having to worry about who was in the room with them and where they were. He wanted to have a job, to be useful to the pack. He couldn’t do any of that without feeling scared, and he hated it. He hated himself. He hated what he’d let happen to him. He hated t
hat he hadn’t fought harder, that he’d brought it on himself. He hated that there was nothing to do, no way to heal.

  “I don’t know what you’re thinking about, but I can see from your expression that it’s not a good thing.”

  Elliott shook his head. “I’m fine.”

  Mihaja stared at him for a few moments. “We’ll need to talk about that. You want to feel my emotions and to know me, but it goes both ways, Elliott.”

  “I’m allowed to have secrets.”

  “Of course you are, but if we’re going to be a couple, a mated couple, then we have to talk about what’s important. You can’t leave me in the dark. Or if you really don’t want to talk to me, at least talk to Gentry, okay?”

  “I already talk to Gentry.”

  Mihaja arched a brow. “And you tell him everything?”

  “Yes.”

  “Including that stupid stuff about you being used and that it was your fault?”

  Elliott looked down. Of course he’d never told Gentry about that. He knew Gentry would have tried to reassure him, to tell him he’d had nothing to do with it, but how could Elliott believe that? All that stuff wouldn’t have happened to him if he hadn’t been gay. Erskine wouldn’t have sold him, and he wouldn’t have ended up with that guy.

  “That’s what I thought,” Mihaja said. “Look, I’m not saying you have to talk to someone you don’t feel comfortable talking to, but I think it would do you good to talk about it. You think it’s your fault, but it’s not. I’ll repeat this as many times as I need to for you to believe me.”

  Elliott shrugged. Mihaja moved one hand away, and Elliott flinched when it cupped his cheek. He hadn’t seen him coming, and he had to resist the urge to throw himself backward, to put distance between him and Mihaja.

  He gave his heart a few seconds to calm down and was surprised to find out that he’d been more startled than afraid. He felt an undercurrent of alarm coursing through him, but he could stay there, he could take Mihaja’s hands on him.