Elliott

by Catherine Lievens

  Mihaja stroked his thumb over Elliott’s cheekbone and Elliott wanted to cry. He’d wanted this for so long. He’d wanted someone to touch him with love, a love Elliott didn’t think he’d ever have, one he didn’t think he deserved anymore.

  “It wasn’t your fault, Elliott. Your old alpha was obviously a bastard, and the guy who bought you, well, he deserves to suffer for what he put you through. Some people like the sense of power over someone else. It was you, but it could have been anyone else, and things wouldn’t have been different.”

  Elliott wanted to believe him, but he’d spent the past year berating himself, and he knew people agreed with him. Telling him it wasn’t his fault a few times wouldn’t work, not even if it was Mihaja saying it.

  Mihaja tilted Elliott’s head until Elliott had to look at him. His dark eyes glinted with something Elliott couldn’t name, and he narrowed his eyes. “Not. Your. Fault. Got it?”

  Elliott couldn’t do anything but nod. He could tell Mihaja didn’t really believe him, but he didn’t insist, not this time anyway. Elliott could tell they’d clash on this in the future, but for now, he wanted to put it behind him.

  “Now, you said you wanted to mate with me?”

  Elliott snapped his eyes to Mihaja. “Yes.”

  “How do you want to do it?”

  “You mean you’ll do it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Even if it’s so soon?”

  “Yes.”

  “Even if I’m—”

  “You better not be about to say used, or broken, or anything like that.”

  That was what Elliott had been about to say, but he shook his head. “Even if I’m not able to have sex with you?”

  Mihaja clearly didn’t believe Elliott, but he let it slide. “We just talked about this, Elliott. I don’t care. I want to be your mate. The sex doesn’t matter.”

  “I don’t understand that. I mean, guys are supposed to like sex, to want to have it as much as they can.” Elliott had been like that, once, before he’d been sold. Sometimes he wished he’d taken more advantage of it, but he’d been too scared of Erskine and of what would happen if the alpha found out. Not that not having as much sex as he’d wanted had helped Elliott in the end.

  “I guess some are like that, but not everyone has a high sex-drive, and I’m not a teenager anymore. Elliott, you were the one to ask me to mate, so why are you trying to talk me out of it?”

  “I just don’t want you to regret it.” Elliott would never forgive himself if Mihaja did. “Maybe it’s not a good idea. We should wait until we know each other better, maybe until I can get over my fear and be with you.”

  Mihaja sighed. “I’m not going to regret it.”

  “How can you say that?”

  Mihaja huffed and pushed away, leaving Elliott feeling cold even if it was the middle of the summer. “How is it that now I’m the one trying to convince you of this?” Mihaja raked a hand through his hair, and he looked oddly agitated. Elliott might not have known his mate for long, but every time he’d seen Mihaja, he’d worn dress pants and a shirt, and he’d been the picture of calm and serious.

  He was still wearing his shirt and pants, but he’d unbuttoned the top buttons of the shirt, exposing dark skin to Elliott’s gaze. His pants were creased and he took his socks off as Elliott watched him and put them in his pocket.

  Mihaja stopped in front of Elliott. “Okay, never mind. You obviously changed your mind, and that’s fine with me. I think I’m going to go to my room. I need to shower.”

  Elliott wanted to stop him, to tell him to stay, but the words were stuck in his throat. Mihaja looked at him, but since he didn’t say anything, he just sighed and grabbed his shoes before exiting the room.

  Elliott stayed on his bed, huddled into himself. There was a knock on the door, and Mal entered without waiting for Elliott to tell him to. “What happened? I thought things were going well, but Mihaja passed through the hallway and he didn’t look happy.”

  “I think I fucked up.”

  Mal sat on the floor in front of Elliott and crossed his legs. “What happened?”

  “I asked him to mate with me, then I changed my mind.”

  “And what did he say?”

  “That it was fine.”

  “Why did you change your mind?”

  Tears pricked at Elliott’s eyes and he closed them. “Because what good could I be to him? He’s only going to be ridiculed when other people find out we’re mates, and it’ll be worse if we mate.”

  “Elliott, you shouldn’t listen to those assholes. You know Kameron would kick their asses if he knew what they said to you.”

  Elliott shrugged. Maybe it was true, but Elliott had never told the alpha. What good would it do? It would only make people hate Elliott even more, and he didn’t think he could stand that. It wasn’t like they were wrong anyway.

  “Do you think what Paul did to me was my fault?” Mal asked.

  Elliott opened his eyes. “What? No! You didn’t do anything bad. You didn’t deserve to be hit.”

  “I think I did. He wouldn’t have hit me if I’d done what he wanted, and I should have been able to defend myself. Maybe I actually wanted him to do what he did.”

  Elliott shot up from the bed and kneeled beside Mal, who was looking down. “Don’t say things like that! You didn’t do anything wrong, and you didn’t deserve what happened.”

  Mal looked up, but instead of looking down and depressed, he was grinning. “See? That’s what we all think about you and what happened to you.”

  Elliott sat back. “I... I get it, but I’m not sure I can believe it.”

  “You don’t need to believe it right now, but Elliott, the people who love you know you didn’t do anything wrong. We just want to help you, and Mihaja is one of us.”

  “What do I do? What if he’s too angry at me?”

  “I don’t think he is. What would you have done if he’d told you he wanted to mate then had changed his mind?”

  “I’d have gone to my room to pout.”

  Mal patted Elliott’s shoulder. “See? Now go get your man.”

  * * * *

  Mihaja got out of the shower and toweled his hair dry. He sighed at his reflection in the mirror and left the bathroom, wondering whether he should put a T-shirt on to sleep.

  He froze when he saw Elliott sitting on his bed, looking uncomfortable, his gaze darting all over the room. “Elliott?”

  “Uh, hey.”

  Mihaja was getting emotional whiplash. First Elliott wanted to mate, then he didn’t want to, and now he was sitting on Mihaja’s bed even though he’d said earlier that he didn’t want to come into Mihaja’s room. “Is something wrong?”

  Mihaja made sure the towel hooked at his hip wasn’t about to fall down and slowly walked to his closet. He opened the door and grabbed a pair of shorts, bypassing the underwear because his dresser was close to Elliott and he didn’t want to spook his mate.

  He made sure Elliott was looking the other way, feeling a bit silly for it, and slipped his shorts on under the towel. He unhooked it and hung it to dry next to the open window. Elliott still hadn’t said a word, and it was starting to worry Mihaja. “Elliott? Did something happen? Do I need to call Gentry?”

  Elliott shook his head. “Are you dressed?”

  “I put shorts on, but I can grab a T-shirt, too, if you need me to.”

  Elliott sighed. “No, it’s fine. I should want to ogle you, right?”

  “No, not if you don’t feel like it.” Mihaja hesitated. He wanted to be close to Elliott, but he didn’t want to scare him. “Can I sit next to you? I’ll stay far enough away not to make you uncomfortable, but I’d like to hold your hand.”

  Elliott looked at him and Mihaja noticed how his gaze slid from his face to his chest. Elliott blushed and shrugged. “Sure.”

  Mihaja got closer slowly. He sat, keeping his focus on Elliott. That was the only reason he noticed
Elliott tensed, that his back went stiff. Elliott didn’t move away, though, and Mihaja took it as a good sign. He held his hand out to Elliott and Elliott took it after hesitating for a few seconds.

  “So, why are you here, Elliott? I thought we’d decided to give ourselves some time.”

  “The only reason why I changed my mind is because I know you’ll regret it,” Elliott said in a soft voice. “Logically, I know what happened wasn’t my fault, but my thoughts get all twisted in my mind, and what some people said, well, let’s say it didn’t help.”

  Mihaja tightened his other hand around his shorts, bunching the fabric in his fist. “Who was it?”

  Elliott shrugged. “No one important. It doesn’t matter.”

  Mihaja didn’t share that opinion, but he knew he wouldn’t get anything out of his mate by insisting. He had to wait for Elliott to trust him enough to tell him, but if he ever heard someone say something about it being Elliott’s fault, Mihaja would beat whoever said it to a pulp, and he wouldn’t be sorry about doing it.

  “Mal came to talk to me. He saw you leave my room.”

  “And?”

  “And he tried to make me see why what I think is wrong. I’m not sure he completely convinced me, but... I hate that I’m not giving you a chance. I hate that I feel like I’m not good enough for you, like I should let you go. It’s like there are two people inside my mind, and they both want the same thing, but one doesn’t think I deserve it. Every time I think I’m over it, it starts pushing me down again, bringing back up the shame and fear and all that crap. I hate it, but I don’t know what to do, how to solve it.”

  “I think it’ll take time, Elliott. You can’t expect to heal quickly.”

  “But I hate feeling like this. It’s been more than a year. I want to be normal again. I want to be happy. Is it too much to ask?”

  Mihaja hated the pain in Elliott’s voice, in his eyes. He wanted to fix it, but he didn’t know how. “What can I do? Whatever you need, Elliott.”

  Elliott looked at Mihaja, silent for a few moments, then he asked, “Will you mate with me? I know I asked you earlier and that I changed my mind, but I really want this. I’m just afraid you’ll change your mind.”

  “What changed? Is it only because Mal talked to you?”

  “No. I can’t predict the future, and you could change your mind even if I wasn’t the mess I am. I decided I’d deal with the consequences when they happen. I can’t avoid the present because I’m scared of the future and terrified of the past. I want to beat the fear and show the bastard who hurt me that I’m a survivor, not a victim. He’d want me to cower for the rest of my life, but I’ve done enough of that.” He looked at Mihaja. “I can’t promise anything, except that I’ll try my hardest to be a good mate to you. I hope it’ll be enough.”

  Mihaja had to fight the urge to pull Elliott in his arms and kiss him senseless. “I know you will. That’s all I ask for. I want you to get better, at your own pace. You’re the most important thing. I can come second for as long as you need me to. I don’t mind. I really don’t.”

  “I’m not ready to have sex.”

  “And I didn’t expect you to be. You can barely stand me holding your hand, Elliott. I never thought sex would be an option, and I don’t care. You’re so much more than sex.”

  Mihaja wanted Elliott to believe him, but he didn’t know how to obtain that. He extracted his hand from Elliott’s, and before Elliott could protest, Mihaja offered him his wrist.

  Elliott blinked at it, then looked at Mihaja. “Your wrist?”

  “I figured you wouldn’t feel comfortable with the neck.”

  “Maybe not, but... I want the neck. Please.”

  Mihaja let his hand fall. “You can bite me wherever you want, Elliott.”

  “The neck, then.”

  Elliott’s voice was firmer, but he didn’t seem convinced. He looked wary, and his gaze darted around the room as if he was looking for an escape route. Mihaja moved, sliding to the middle of the bed and lying on his back. He tilted his head to the side and looked at Elliott. “Is this all right? Or do you want me to flip and lie on my stomach?”

  “I... no, this is fine.”

  “Do you want to tie me to the bed?”

  Elliott laughed, the sound surprisingly happy and carefree. He looked as surprised as Mihaja felt, but it didn’t erase the smile from his lips. “We were just saying no sex and now you want me to tie you to the bed?”

  Mihaja rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

  “Yeah, I do.” Elliott sobered. “I don’t think I need it. I hope I don’t. Just...”

  “I’ll make sure not to grab you.”

  “Thank you.”

  Elliott moved slowly, hesitantly. He reached down and grabbed the hem of his T-shirt, then pulled it off and let it drop to the floor. He put his knees on the bed and climbed on top of Mihaja. Mihaja could see Elliott tremble, but he didn’t move, not even when Elliott straddled him.

  The contact was enough to make his dick harden, though, and he hoped it wouldn’t freak Elliott out. “I know you can feel it, Elliott, but it doesn’t mean I’ll do anything about it. I swear.”

  Elliott nodded and planted his hands on both sides of Mihaja’s face. Mihaja tilted his head again, exposing himself, but Elliott didn’t bite. “Do you want my wrist?” Elliott asked.

  “I’ll take whatever you can give me.”

  “Then I want you to bite my neck. I want it to be a proper mark, a real one.”

  Mihaja wanted to tell Elliott it’d be a real mark even if it was on his ass, but before he could open his mouth, Elliott leaned down and bit.

  Pain exploded in Mihaja’s neck and he gritted his teeth against it. He clutched at the sheet under him to avoid reaching for Elliott. It was hard, especially when Elliott started to press his hips down. They were both hard, and Mihaja wanted nothing more than to grab Elliott’s hips and rut against him until they both came.

  He didn’t, though, not even when Elliott moved his hands, cupped Mihaja’s head, and pressed his face against his own neck.

  That, Mihaja couldn’t resist. His fangs dropped in his mouth and he bit down. Blood flooded his mouth and he drank down. Elliott shuddered against him, and Mihaja tightened his hold on the sheet. He wouldn’t scare Elliott away, never.

  Elliott removed his fangs from Mihaja’s neck, but Mihaja continued to drink until the bond between them flared. Elliott groaned and pressed his forehead against Mihaja’s neck, and Mihaja licked the wound that claimed Elliott as his.

  He didn’t untangle his hands from the sheet just yet. He didn’t know how Elliott would react, even though he could feel Elliott wasn’t scared. He didn’t want that to change, though, so he waited.

  * * * *

  Elliott couldn’t move, and he didn’t even know why. It wasn’t that he couldn’t physically move—no, that he could do. His tried to move his fingers, and yeah, he could do that. That wasn’t the reason why he felt it impossible to move away from Mihaja.

  “Uh, Elliott?”

  Elliott could feel genuine happiness and a hint of confusion coming through the bond. No anger, no need to do anything. Just happiness, pleasure, a bit of awkwardness. “Yes?”

  “Not that I don’t very much enjoy having you on top of me, but you’re not exactly the lightest weight.”

  Elliott’s eyes widened and he scrambled off Mihaja’s chest. He couldn’t not notice how hard both of them were, and he wasn’t sure whether to hide his erection from Mihaja or not. He decided not to, if anything because Mihaja couldn’t have missed noticing it while Elliott was on top of him.

  Mihaja slowly sat up, his hands raised in front of him, showing he didn’t mean harm. “You didn’t have to move that fast. I was enjoying the afterglow.”

  Elliott snorted. “Afterglow? We didn’t have sex.”

  Mihaja’s gaze flicked to Elliott’s dick and Elliott resisted the urge to put his hands in front o
f it. “Maybe not, but we did something much more meaningful. I wouldn’t have minded the opportunity to enjoy it a bit more.”

  “You said I was heavy.”

  “The bed is big. There was plenty of space for you without you having to jump off it. I do understand you might be spooked by what just happened, though, so I won’t stop you if you want to leave.”

  “Do you want me to?”

  Mihaja frowned. “No. Have you even heard a word of what I just said?”

  “Of course I have.”

  “So you know I said I wouldn’t stop you if you decided to go, not that I wanted you to.” Mihaja sighed and raked a hand in his hair.

  Elliott suddenly felt guilty. He was making things so much more difficult, and he didn’t know how to stop doing it. He didn’t know how to stop being afraid, even if it was the thing he wanted most in the world. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” Mihaja asked softly.

  “Because you’re stuck with me, and I’m not the easiest man to get along with.”

  “I think we’ve been getting along just fine.”

  “Doesn’t look like it to me.”

  Elliott’s cock was soft again, and he missed the hardness. Being aroused by another man wasn’t the same thing as having to do with his own hand, and he wished he had the guts to just go over and kiss Mihaja, see where it went.

  “Do you think you could come back here and sit on the bed with me? We don’t have to touch if you don’t want to,” Mihaja asked.

  And Elliott felt guilty again. They’d literally just mated and he hadn’t even hugged or kissed Mihaja. Talk about a crappy mating. The worst part was that Elliott wasn’t even sure he could sit next to his mate without feeling the need to run away as fast as he could.

  “Focus on our bond, Elliott. You’ll be able to feel I don’t want to hurt you.”

  Elliott closed his eyes and breathed. He took his time, breathing deeply and analyzing the feelings pouring through the bond. He hated the fact that Mihaja felt unhappy, and he wanted to change that. His wolf was pushing at him, wanting to get on the bed and cuddle. It trusted Mihaja like it didn’t trust anyone else, not even Mal or Elliott’s parents. It didn’t understand why Elliott was keeping his distance, especially now that they were mated.