Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel)

by Kahlen Aymes

  My nose wrinkled at the foul stench, and my own stomach protested. “Are you done?”

  She nodded weakly and straightened. “I don’t feel good.”

  I wondered if the X had fully entered her system or if she’d managed to purge some of it. At least some of the alcohol was out.

  “I know. Come on.” I bent to lift her into my arms bridal style. This was the first time I’d carried her this close to me. I’d given her piggyback rides, and we’d leaned in to each other often enough, I’d hugged her several times, but this was the first time I had her fully in my arms. She was so small and snuggled into my chest like a child. It felt amazing and right, as if she trusted me more than anyone in the world. Despite the vomiting, her hair smelled like shampoo, and her perfume wafted up gently.

  “What did he give me?” She didn’t accuse me of lying about the prick drugging her.

  “X. You’ll be okay.”

  “What will it do to me?”

  “Some of it’s happened already. The light show and the illusion of the bugs, though not everyone gets affected the same way. It’s supposed to make you feel good, but it has side effects.”

  Aaron and I had the basement apartment in a big, old house close to campus, and I had to set Julia down to unlock the door. She leaned up against the wall of the house, gazing at me as if she’d never seen me before, her eyes wide and wondrous.

  I pushed the door open and waited for her to precede me in, but she didn’t. She just kept staring at me. I waved her in.

  “God, you’re beautiful, Ryan.” Her green eyes were soft and full of love. My heart stopped.

  It was cold, and she should be freezing. “Nah.” I took her hand and pulled her over the threshold. The last thing I needed was for Julia to go all lovey-dovey, touchy-feely on me. I just didn’t know how well I’d be able to resist. She was the beautiful one, so beautiful; even after she’d just puked her guts out, she made my heart stop. I wanted to tell her how breathless I’d been the first time I’d seen her tonight, but clamped my mouth shut. Anything that happened now was due to the drug, and I wouldn’t put either one of us in that position. Julia was the most important person to me, and I couldn’t trust that we’d be okay on the other side if something physical happened. I suddenly realized I wanted that look on her face to be real, not the result of a drug-induced haze.

  “You are.” Her voice was filled with something that sounded like wonder, and her hand came to rest on my chest as she gazed up into my face. She moved in close enough for her nose to brush my jaw. “Everyone thinks so. Every girl I know says so. They all want you.” I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stand there one more second without touching her or turning my head the fraction of an inch necessary to make our lips touch. I closed my eyes for a beat.

  “Wait here, sweetheart.” I moved her to the couch and pushed her gently down, then went into my room and grabbed a pair of my sweats, socks, and long sleeve T-shirt off the stack of clean clothes sitting on the dresser.

  Shit. My heart was pounding a mile a minute. I ran my hand through my hair before leaving the room and offering Julia the clothes.

  “Ryan…” Her voice was soft, imploring, her hand ran up my forearm, and electricity skittered across my skin. “You’re so strong.”

  “Jesus, Julia, you gotta change, okay? I’ll give you my bed, and I’ll stay in Aaron’s room. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

  “I feel good now. Different; but really good. It’s like all my senses are in overdrive. I don’t feel like sleeping. I want to touch… to be touched.”

  I wondered how the drug would interact with the alcohol and was thankful she’d purged so much out by the car.

  “Well, I feel like hell. My head is killing me, and I’d really like to lie down.” I knew my voice sounded irritated, but I didn’t know how else to handle her and make her do what I needed her to do. And that was to get ready for bed and get behind a closed door.

  Her expression fell and I felt like an asshole, but it had the desired result. Julia rose and walked away, stumbling slightly, into the bathroom. “Fine,” she muttered shortly, disappearing into the bathroom, the door closing with unneeded force behind her.

  I went back into my room, past the bathroom, and quickly changed into my own pair of sweats and an old gray T-shirt. I wondered briefly whether Leah got home all right, but it was beyond me to try to make two unwilling women bend to my will. It was hard enough with Julia.

  I glanced at the digital clock by my bed. It was almost two in the morning. I ran both hands through my hair. I was worried about what to expect when she emerged. She seemed more relaxed than I felt when I’d done the drug that one time. Shit, it would help if I knew more about it. Maybe puking got rid of some of it, though that seemed unlikely since some of the effect had started before we left the bar.

  “Ryan?” Julia’s voice behind me made me jump.

  “Jesus!” My hand flew to my chest. “You scared me.” She was only dressed in the shirt and the socks, and both were way too large for her. Her legs were still bare above the slouchy socks, and her hair was wet. I could see her puckered nipples and the full, round contours of her breasts beneath the thin material. I closed my eyes, shaking my head to try to clear the vision from my brain before my dick got any ideas. I wasn’t one hundred percent successful. “Um… did you take a shower?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why aren’t you wearing those sweats I gave you?”

  “I’m hot. Too hot.”

  Yeah. She could say that again.

  My room was a mess. Sheet music had been knocked off the keyboard and was strewn around carelessly, mixed in with the clothes I’d just discarded and three pairs of shoes. I bent, trying to distract myself, and began picking everything up; stacking the music on the bench and shoving the dirty clothes into my now empty hamper. I threw the shoes haphazardly into the closet and turned on the bedside lamp, switching off the overhead light.

  Her fingers slid down my forearm from behind to clasp around my hand. She gently tugged to turn me around, and inched closer to the bed.

  “Don’t do that now. Come lie down with me.”

  I knew it was the best and worst idea ever. My chest rose and fell as I breathed in and out. I sucked in one of those deep breaths that pushes your lungs to capacity. Julia’s eyes were wide and dark, the pupils dilated—a sign of the drug—but, her expression was serene and relaxed.

  “Julia…” I hesitated. “You should just go to sleep.”

  “I told you I don’t want to sleep.”

  “I know.” I sat on the bed and used our joined hands to pull her down to sit beside me. My other hand came out to the side of her cheek. “But I can’t lie with you tonight.”

  Her brows furrowed and her lower lip jutted out in a slight pout. “Why? We’ve slept together before.”

  Because I want you so bad and the drug will make you willing; maybe even aggressive. I shouldn’t say what I was thinking, but a version of it spilled out. “Because… I’ve had too much to drink and we might do something we’ll regret in the light of day. Because… you’re my best friend.”

  Her eyes shimmered and became luminous as they glassed over. My thumb rubbed along her jaw, and I leaned in to place a lingering kiss on her cheek. I let myself breathe her in, memorizing the way her skin felt under my mouth, the way she smelled, and the rhythm of her breath.

  “I don’t want you to be my best friend,” she whispered and I knew it was honest. I felt the same way. “Sometimes.”

  “I know. But I am.”

  When I pulled back, she nodded, unspoken understanding passing between us. I stood and pulled back the covers, careful not to watch too closely as she crawled underneath.

  “Will you play for me? I bet it will sound really amazing right now.”

  “Okay. Just a couple songs.” I moved away and sat down, running my hands over the keys playing a song I knew she loved. The melody was soft, lilting, and soothing.

  I played for
over an hour without saying a word. When the notes faded, I glanced to the bed. Julia’s eyes were closed, the covers pulled up to her chin as she curled on her side. She was so gorgeous. My heart squeezed inside my chest as I moved to the bed, my eyes never leaving her face. I wanted to kiss her but shut the light off instead, using the soft ray of light filtering in from the other room to see as I left.

  “Ryan?”

  I stopped without turning around. “Yeah?” I said over my shoulder.

  “Coffee tomorrow, right?”

  “Sure. It’s Sunday, isn’t it?”

  ~11~

  The Morning After

  I rolled over when the sun shone in my eyes. I felt like hell as I willed my eyes open. They resisted. My head hurt, and my stomach still hated me. I wanted to barf. The only pleasant thing going for me was that I was surrounded by Ryan’s scent. I must be dreaming, I thought. But who felt like crap in their dreams?

  “Ugh,” I moaned softly and rolled over, my face squishing more fully into the pillow. After a couple more deep breaths, I was able to open my eyes. At first they were blurry, and I rubbed them and blinked a couple of times. I sat straight up in bed when I realized I was in Ryan’s room. What was I doing in Ryan’s room? My heart dropped as panic washed over me.

  My stomach lurched, and I jumped from the bed and scrambled into the bathroom, but I felt dizzy and I stumbled. Somehow, I managed to make it to the toilet and threw up violently. My head felt like the top would fly off with each heave of my stomach. I was on my bare knees on the cold linoleum floor; dry heaves racking my body, when Ryan appeared in the doorway. I didn’t see his face because of my position bent over the toilet, but I heard his voice, and his bare feet and gray sweats appeared in my peripheral vision.

  “Julia, are you okay?”

  I couldn’t talk as another heave burst forth. Ryan crouched down on his haunches, pulled back my hair, and held it behind me until the misery subsided. My eyes started to tear with the efforts of my stomach. Not only did I feel like death, but also Ryan was seeing me at my absolute worst. Ryan, of all people.

  “No,” I finally managed when the heaving subsided. I sat back on the cold floor and leaned on the wall opposite the stool. “I think I’m dying.”

  Ryan wiped at my mouth with a warm washcloth and tears rolled down my face. He sat next to me, put his arm right around me, and pulled me close against his side. I leaned into him helplessly as the fingers of his hand rubbed my right arm. “You’re okay.”

  I shook my head and buried my face into his neck. “No I’m not. I’m sorry.”

  “Nothing to be sorry for. You’ll feel better after you eat something.”

  “Gross!” I felt his chin rest on the top of my head and I wanted to cry. Finally I was in his arms and it was because I was puking my guts up. “I’m sorry!” I said again, finally letting the tears flow and a sob break free. “You sh—shouldn’t have to see me like this.”

  “Hey,” he said softly, his arm tightening around me. “Stop. It’s okay. What are friends for?”

  I reached up and put my arm around his neck. “Ryan.” My eyes were closed and tears squeezed out. “You’re too good to me.”

  “It’s mutual, Jules, don’t worry about it.”

  “Nuh uh. I don’t have to hold your hair back while you puke your guts out wearing just your underwear.”

  “You’re not just in your underwear.” He smiled gently, wiping a tear off my cheek with his thumb. He was so gentle I wanted to cry; literally wail at how perfect he was. “You’re also wearing my shirt.”

  All I could do was nod and breathe as he held me and continued to massage the flesh of my arm. He sat with me on the floor for at least ten minutes, just holding me, until finally, I pulled back and reached for a piece of toilet paper to wipe my nose with. My head still felt like it would explode, but my stomach did feel a little better.

  “You’re not going to make me drink tomato juice with raw egg in it, are you?” I asked weakly. “I think I’ll barf some more if you do.”

  “Nah.” He stood up and offered me his hand. I took it and he pulled me to my feet, using my momentum to bring me into a hug. “You’ll be fine. I think you should drink some water, take some aspirin and maybe have some dry toast, if you’re up to it.” My hands closed around his biceps and they flexed as he pulled me closer. It felt like heaven. He released me gently and reached up to push my hair behind my ear on one side of my face. “Are you?”

  “Just the water and aspirin for now.”

  “The aspirin might make your stomach hurt, if it’s empty.” He took my hand and led me out of the bathroom and down the hall to the kitchen.

  “Okay, Dr. Ryan.” I smiled secretly. He couldn’t see my face as we made our way to the kitchen because I was behind him, but I was enjoying every second of his hand holding mine. It was as if an electric current ran between our hands. It made my heart beat wildly in my chest though I knew I looked like hell. Maybe I smelled like vomit, even. The thought horrified me since I’d just spent several minutes in his arms.

  He let out a small laugh with a huff. “One piece of toast is all I’ll force on you.”

  “I should take a shower, but I don’t have anything to wear but the dress I had on last night. Where is it?”

  I sat down at the table, and Ryan went to get me a glass of water, returning with it and two aspirin. He held the pills out to me with a flat hand, and I took them in one hand and the glass in the other. “In the bathroom, I assume. You took a shower last night, so you don’t smell like vomit. Relax.”

  “Did you make these?” I smiled and tried to tease as much as I could manage, remembering he’d had to synthesize aspirin with that guy Ellie dated briefly around the time I was seeing Dave. What was his name? I searched my brain trying to figure it out.

  He laughed. “Funny. Maybe you’ll live after all.”

  “Ryan, I’m almost afraid to ask, but did anything happen last night?”

  I sat down, and he went to get the toast that had just popped up. His back was to me and I was able to observe him unseen. He had gray sweats on with a burgundy Stanford T-shirt. I was wearing one of Ryan’s button-downs and was painfully aware of how the front tails pooled between my thighs, but most of my legs were bare. I didn’t have a bra on and was extremely self-conscious of the way the cool air in the apartment made my nipples pucker. I could feel the fabric brush against them every time I moved, and I knew they were very visible under Ryan’s shirt. I was curious how I got out of my dress the previous night.

  “Plenty happened,” he said steadily. “A lot of it, I didn’t like.”

  Holy shit. Did I sleep with Ryan? “But what, exactly?” I prodded.

  “You got hammered off your ass, and to make it worse, some dickhead gave you Ecstasy.”

  My eyes widened. “What?”

  “I know. Topped off with the booze he fed you is most likely the reason you don’t remember much of it.”

  I felt embarrassed. “Yes, I remember being at the club with Ellie, and dancing with a guy…”

  “Collin,” Ryan added, his face twisting wryly as he sat down next to me and put a plate of buttered toast in front of me.

  “Collin,” I repeated and reached for a piece of toast.

  “He was grabbing your ass under your dress.” Ryan sounded annoyed. “Don’t you remember? Because the picture is burned in my brain.”

  I’d just taken a bite of the toast and I paused in chewing it. “Um,” I swallowed. “No, I don’t remember much after I saw you and your drape-y girlfriend sitting on the couch leering at me.”

  Ryan laughed. “I wasn’t leering at you.”

  “Seemed like it to me. Your babe was, for sure. Who was she?”

  “She’s just a girl I met, Julia. Blow it off. It was our first date, and I won’t be seeing her again.”

  Ryan was drinking coffee, and my nose wrinkled at the aroma of it. I usually loved coffee, but it was revolting in my current state. “Why not?”


  “Because you told her to eat a donut. She was completely offended.”

  I grinned. “Really? Not sure what you see in that skinny, clingy-type anyway, to be honest.”

  “You made your disapproval known a couple of times last night.” Ryan was relaxed, leaning an elbow on the table as he watched me eat.

  “Just looking out for you,” I smiled, the toast having the desired effect. I finally felt a little better. I stuck out my index finger and poked him in the bicep.

  “Hey!”

  “Tell me the real reason. I’m not buying.” I took another bite of the toast and chewed, watching his face to see if I could read his emotions.

  “I won’t be seeing Leah again because I left her at the club to get you out of there.”

  My eyes widened. “Wow.”

  “Yeah. I don’t know what you saw in that prick who just wanted into your panties.”

  I laughed, almost choking on my toast. “Ryan, come on. You are well acquainted with panties—a wide assortment of them. Glass houses and all that.” I raised my eyebrow to make my point.

  “Seriously, Julia, he drugged you. If I hadn’t been there, he would have taken you out and raped you. We shouldn’t be joking around about this.”

  Seeing his real concern, I sobered. “You’re right. I’m glad you were there.”

  “Me, too.” He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently. “I’m gonna wait outside the bar for that fucker next weekend, and kick his ass.”

  He was serious, but I thought he was adorable. “Is he really worth it?”

  “No, but it will make me feel better.”

  I noticed a long scab on the knuckles of his right hand. “What’s that?” I pointed to it.

  “I slugged him once, and his teeth caught me.”

  “I’m sorry.” I rubbed my thumb lightly over it.

  “Don’t be.”

  “So, how did I get in your shirt? We didn’t… uh… Did we?”