So Many Roads to Choose

by Kathleen Ball

  The wind left Smitty’s lungs in a whoosh, and his knees weakened. “Do you care for him?” he managed to get out.

  “I have found that it doesn’t matter. There comes a time in life when a person has others to think of. I have to do what is best for the little ones. It would be nice for them to have a father.”

  “I’m their father!” His voice came out louder than he intended.

  She walked to the window and stared into the darkness. “I’ve had many, many nights to think about it, Smitty. I understand that you only felt sorry for me. You were finally free of Brenda, and you didn’t want to tie yourself to me. I never meant to ensnare you. You broke my heart, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t repair it. I’m not willing to chance it again, Smitty. I’m sorry.”

  He stared at her back, not knowing what to say. He’d never expected her to turn him away. He expected anger. That was how Brenda had always acted. “So that’s it then?” He held his breath.

  “That’s it. The children are vulnerable right now, and they are glad you’re back. I think it good that you spend time together and then possibly after Christmas you could spend less and less time with them so it would be easier for us to leave.” She turned, and the redness of her eyes physically hurt him.

  “Good night, Lynn.” He left without agreeing to her plan. He wasn’t going to allow her to leave. Somehow he needed to make her want to stay.

  Lynn watched from the window while Smitty made snowmen and had snowball fights with the youngsters. They all worshipped the ground he walked on. It actually hurt her face, she scowled so often. She couldn’t take much more. For the entire week, all of the Todds had been going out of their way to tell her what a wonderful man Smitty was.

  She put her cape on and bundled up Brian then slipped out the door. “Let’s get going.”

  They all climbed into the wagon. It would be the first church service they’d attend since Smitty was back. She’d come to dread going, but she knew she had to go. Even with Smitty gone, people still disapproved of her. It had just made a sensitive situation worse. Her nerves were strung so tight she knew she wouldn’t be able to take much, but she put on her false smile.

  People gaped as they drove into town. Lynn fixed her gaze on Brian, sitting in her lap. Sonia had finally told the truth about the peddler being the father of her baby, but for some reason people still gave Greg knowing looks. Mike, Eli, and Jed tried to shield her from the taunts, but she was still very much aware of them.

  The wagon stopped, and she didn’t wait for Smitty to help her down. She scrambled to the ground, helped Brian off the seat, and hurried inside with him. She sat in the last pew. It seemed to be reserved just for her brood. She smiled at the children and pretended she didn’t see the congregation all turn and scowl at them. She tried to be strong. She tried to pretend it didn’t matter. She tried and succeeded in being a good Christian but it was all for naught. The way they stared shamed her. Holding her head up high she closed her eyes as though in prayer. First, one small tear escaped, then another.

  Smitty eased Brian from her lap and handed him to Lily. Then he took Lynn’s hand and led her out of the church. It would cause more talk, but she couldn’t be in there another second, and somehow Smitty had seemed to know.

  “They’ve been treating you like that while I was gone?”

  Lynn stared at him. “They treated me like that when you were here. You just don’t seem to remember it.”

  “I hadn’t thought what I was putting you through by leaving. I was selfish. I wanted to get my head on right about Brenda and you and the youngsters. I knew if I didn’t leave I’d have you in my bed, and I didn’t want anyone to think badly of you. I should have controlled myself for a few weeks and then married you.” He looked away for a moment and then he looked into her eyes. “I wasn’t thinking straight. That girl trying to rope Greg into marrying her had me thinking I was finally free so why change it?”

  “You don’t need to worry. You won’t have to change it. I’m sending a letter to Edgar this week and asking if it would be fine with him if we came earlier than planned. A new place where no one knows my wicked ways would be good for me.” Anguish filled her but she’d made up her mind. “Smitty, I want kids of my own too, and Edgar said he’d be happy to have some.”

  “How much do you know about this man?” His eyes clouded with concern. “Have you met him?”

  Lynn shook her head. “He’s looking for a wife who knows about farming and is a good worker. He wants a Christian woman. I fit all that.”

  He smiled and bent down to meet her eyes. “Yes you do. But what about him? Is he kind? How big is the house? What does he farm? Is he broke? Does he want the children as laborers?”

  Her mouth dropped open. She’d never considered such things. “He said he was thought to be handsome by some. H-he said he was kind and gentle.”

  “That’s all you know about him?”

  “Smitty, you’re just thinking the worst. He knows how many little ones I have, and he’s happy to take us in. What else do I need to know?” She clenched her hands into fists. He thought he knew it all.

  “What’s his last name? Where does he live?” He fired off the questions. “I want to know everything about him before you steal my children away to go live with him.”

  She lifted her hand to slap his face and then let it drop. Her body began to shake. “Marry him, not live with him. His name is Edgar Page and I’m going to marry him. You have no respect for me, and I can’t for the life of me think of what I’ve done to earn your and the town’s disdain.” She rushed by him and began to walk in the ruts in the snow made by the wagon wheels. Her shoes would be ruined but she couldn’t stay, she just couldn’t.

  All she wanted to do was scream and scream then hide under her bed. But she was an adult so that plan was out. She’d move to Edgar’s without writing the letter. What was the difference if she went now or later? She was deserving of love and respect and she was going to get it. She couldn’t emotionally handle being here any longer. There was too much heartache and it wasn’t healthy.

  Chapter Six

  Lynn busied herself by getting the noon meal ready while all the children except for Brian were outside doing chores.

  Edgar sat at the table, drinking coffee ogling her. It must have been a blind person who told him he was handsome. She hated his dark beady eyes the most. They’d been there over a week, and already it seemed like a lifetime in prison.

  There wasn’t a preacher or judge to marry them. Edgar considered himself gracious in giving her five weeks to get used to him and then she was to produce those children she promised. Boys, he wanted more boys to do farm work. He was already in a bad mood. Juan had left in the night and Lynn didn’t blame him. She was concerned for Carlos but she’d been warned by Edgar not to coddle them.

  The amount of food she was allowed to cook wasn’t adequate for them all. She went without so the rest could eat. Edgar filled his plate high at each meal. He was nothing like he wrote about himself in his letters. Hadn’t she learned her lesson about men when Smitty left her? She was the biggest fool, and it was taking a toll on all of them.

  He’d mentioned marrying off Scarlett and Cindy last night. He was going to look around for rich husbands for them. Lynn spent her days feeling sick. She wasn’t to be caught sitting. There was too much work to do. There were sheep to herd, which put him on the outs with the cattlemen. And the pigs needed feeding as did the chickens. Of course, they all had to be cleaned up after.

  The chickens weren’t for them to eat but for them to have a few eggs while he sold the rest in town. He also had a cow that had to be milked, and he expected butter to be made to sell too. He took her horses and wagon and sold them right off. They hadn’t even belonged to her; they were Smitty’s.

  Regret washed over her when she thought what her actions had caused. The noon meal was to be biscuits only. They were each given one. She tried to give each child a reassuring smile as she doled them
out, but it was hard. She worked so hard making butter but they weren’t allowed even the smallest pat for their biscuits.

  She’d made her bed, and now she winced just thinking about it.

  “Ma, are you all right?” Aaron asked. “I can help you with your chores if it’s too much for you.”

  “Boys work outside. The females inside. If your ma is tired it’s because your sisters are lazy.” Edgar stood and hiked up his trousers. “Maybe it’s time to cut a switch off a tree. That’ll make them work harder. Hurts, it does.”

  Aaron stared at Edgar and turned pasty white.

  Quickly, Lynn put her hands on Aaron’s shoulders. “Thank you for thinking of me, but it’s not necessary. The work is getting done. Both Scarlett and Cindy are doing a fine job.”

  Lynn struggled to breathe. It felt like her heart would beat its way out of her chest, and she clutched the table, fighting a wave of lightheadedness. Edgar was going to use a switch on the children? Was he a wife hitter too? Why did she leave the Todd ranch?

  With the suddenness of a striking snake, Edgar got up from the table and grabbed her arm. He gave a twist until she cried out. He seemed to like it when he knew he hurt her. As he dragged her across the floor, sharp pain raced from her elbow to her shoulder. She was certain to bruise. He hauled her outside and slammed the door closed. It was so cold, and she didn’t have her cape. Involuntary shivers made her entire body shake.

  He turned her toward him then grabbed her other arm and shook her until her teeth rattled. “Don’t ever interrupt me again! I discipline as I see fit. I’m starting to think I need to punish you first. You won’t be jumping to anyone’s defense after that.” He pushed her against a tree and grabbed a thin branch. Then he handed her a knife. “Cut it.”

  Her hands shook as she tried to saw through the branch. He was going to whip her. Oh, dear God. Horror washed over her.

  Grabbing the knife back, he put it in his pocket and took the switch from her. “What’ll it be? In front of the children or just us behind the woodpile?”

  She shook her head to both. She couldn’t figure out what the difference was. “Not in front of the children,” she said at last.

  He dragged her behind the woodpile and made her bend over the logs. She felt the cold wind upon her backside as he lifted her skirts up over her back. She held her breath but he didn’t totally bare her. He fell silent, and for a long time, nothing happened. Would he… please let him change his mind.

  The first strike was sudden and cutting, and she screamed. After that, she jammed her fist into her mouth so the little ones wouldn’t hear her.

  It was endless and countless. He broke the skin with almost every stroke of the switch. Finally, he stopped.

  “Thank me for showing you the errors of your ways.”

  Shocked she just stood there.

  “Do you need more?” he lifted his arm with the switch in it.

  “No! Th-thank y-you for showing me the errors of my w-ways.” Her body quaked and her teeth began to chatter.

  “Now get inside before I change my mind. I’ll want to see my handiwork tonight.”

  Bile filled her mouth but she swallowed it back down as she hurried best she could back into the house. Every little face was pale, and it was so quiet. She took Brian from Scarlett’s arms and stood rocking him.

  She forced a bright tone. “I’m fine as you can see. Let’s finish up so we can get back to work.”

  Edgar came in and hung the switch up above the fireplace. It was probably meant as a warning for all to behave. It made Lynn’s stomach heave.

  Now she was truly frightened for them all. It was apparent Edgar wasn’t going to wait the promised five weeks. Hopefully, she could get him to wait until she was healed. The thought of bearing his children shriveled her heart and her pride.

  Maybe she could get the children back to safety if she stayed. She wasn’t sure how to do it, but she needed to think of something. If Edgar hit one of the children she might have to kill him.

  “Back to work, everyone. I’ll see you at supper time. Please, everyone behave,” she said in a stilted voice.

  Every one of the youngsters nodded as they went out the door. Scarlett and Cindy made quick work of cleaning up after the noon meal.

  “You two, on your knees and scrub the floor.” Edgar took Brian from Lynn and handed him to Cindy. “Mind him while you’re at it. I need to talk to your ma.”

  Lynn could hardly make her feet shuffle in the direction of her room. She swallowed hard and held her head high. She was no young miss who should be afraid but afraid she was. Terrified even. She stood in the middle of the room and her stomach dropped when the door closed.

  “How bad is it?” Edgar asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “How bad is your skin?”

  “I’ll most likely scar if that’s what you want to know. The blood is drying, and the cloth of my chemise is beginning to stick to it.” She looked at the wooden floor the whole time. Tears pricked at the back of her eyes, but she was trying her best not to cry.

  “Well just lie down for the rest of the day. I really walloped you, and I should have had a bit more control of myself. You make sure those girls are kept busy and have one of them tend to your back. I need you to pull your weight around here. Oh, and we need to tighten our belt. Those children don’t need more than one biscuit at the noon meal. Don’t think I don’t see you slipping them more than one.”

  She nodded and closed her eyes and when he left tears poured down her face. She heard the door to the house open then close, and she tried to relax her tense body.

  Cindy and Scarlett were in her room as soon as Edgar was gone.

  “He told us to tend to you,” Cindy said in a scared voice.

  “We’re going to have to sit you up to get your dress off. That man is a monster!” Scarlett gently helped Lynn up.

  It hurt so bad she wished she could faint and be done with it. But she felt every bit of pain as they ripped the cloth away from her back and then they washed her and put on some salve that Lynn always had on hand. Lastly, they covered her with just a sheet. She wished she hadn’t groaned and cried out as much as she did, but she couldn’t do otherwise.

  “Sleep, Ma,” Cindy whispered as she kissed her cheek. Scarlett did the same just before she drifted off.

  Smitty hugged a raggedy, cold Juan tight. “I’m glad to see you.” He let go and took a step back. “Where are the others?”

  “Smitty, you need to go and get them.”

  “Did you get stuck in the snow? Is everyone all right?” Smitty stepped aside so Juan could walk inside. He went to the stove and poured them both a cup of coffee. “Here, you’re shaking.”

  “It took me a few days to get here. I had to walk the whole way. Mr. Page sold the horses and the wagon so Ma couldn’t leave. He’s a pig and sheep farmer. Nothing was like Ma thought it would be. He’s horrible. We work from sun up to sun down and we don’t get much food. Ma hardly eats, she gives us most of her food.”

  “Did Lynn send you?”

  Juan shook his head. “We’re not allowed to leave. He even works little Cindy to the bone. We can only sit during meals. Any other time we’re to be useful. Ma looks so tired.”

  Smitty took a deep breath as his heart sank. “Your ma married him. There’s nothing I can do.”

  Juan smiled. “But there is something you can do. They aren’t married. There isn’t a minister or judge for miles in the winter, and I overheard him tell Ma he’d give her five weeks to get used to him then they would live as man and wife. She’s afraid of him. We all are. I’m just hoping he didn’t take my leaving out on Carlos.”

  Smitty ran his hand through his hair. “So everything he wrote was a lie.”

  “Everything except for his name. He has chickens, but not for eatin’. He sells the eggs. And he has Ma making butter, but we’re not allowed to have any. The house is cramped and drafty. He’s stingy with the wood for the fire. He told Ma we’
re the labor and she’s to have more boys for him. I just had to leave before he, well before he made her his wife.” Juan looked like he’d lost weight in the few weeks he’d been gone.

  “Are you sure she wants to be rescued?”

  Juan nodded his head. “She’s been doing that thing where she smiles too much but her eyes look like she wants to cry.”

  Smitty stood and paced for a bit. “I could have him arrested for horse stealing. Lynn borrowed them, but he sold them.”

  A tear escaped from Juan’s eye. “I don’t care how we do it, but we need to get our family out of there.”

  Our family. The words hit Smitty hard. They were his family, and he’d been too busy thinking about himself. When Lynn said she already had a marriage set up his heart had encased itself in a block of ice. She’d told him she knew what she wanted. He’d been miserable since they’d all left, and he realized he had allowed her to leave taking his hopes and dreams with her.

  “Let’s get everything we’re going to need. Put extra rifles in the wagon. We’ll need extra food and water and warm clothes. I’m taking my family back. I never should have let you all leave. We’ll take two extra horses so when we head home we won’t have to stop for long. Can you think of anything else?”

  Juan shrugged then smiled. “A big ol’ apology to Lynn for letting her go. She loves you, Pa. It’s there for all to see.”

  “You’re right. I’d best come up with one on the way. How long did it take for you to get here? You traveled by foot. How are your feet?”

  Juan drank down the rest of his coffee. “I’m fine. I grew up in nothing more than a hut. Carlos and I know how to take care of ourselves. I know Greg was mad being left behind, but he would have slowed me down. There were a few spots where the snow was deep, but I wasn’t keeping to the road in case Mr. Page tried to track me down. The roads aren’t bad, and I don’t think a wagon will have much trouble getting there.”