So Many Roads to Choose

by Kathleen Ball

  She kept herself busy making a big breakfast. One by one the children came down. She smiled at each of them and acted as though everything was right with the world.

  “Ma? Ma?” Greg asked.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you. What were you saying?”

  “Uncle Eli wants Juan and me to go with him to check on the cattle this morning. We need to make sure the watering holes haven’t frozen over.”

  “Carlos and me are going too,” said Freddie.

  “Not if Uncle Eli didn’t ask you,” Juan said. He narrowed his eyes as he gazed at his brother Carlos.

  “We could ask Pa what he needs us to do today,” Carlos suggested.

  Freddie scowled, his blue eyes full of anger.

  “Pa, Pa,” Brian said with a smile.

  With Brian in her arms, Lynn went to the window but she didn’t see any sign of Smitty. He probably just wanted to be left alone. Brenda’s death was hitting him harder than he’d expected.

  “We’ll leave Pa alone for today. A friend of his just died, and he’s a bit sad.”

  “I bet it’s his girlfriend he keeps in that big fancy house of his,” Will said before shoveling more food into his mouth.

  Lynn could tell by the looks exchanged between the children they all thought Smitty had a girlfriend. She suppressed a sigh and exchanged a glance with Greg. She shook her head at him. It wasn’t her story to tell.

  “Let’s finish up here, and Freddie and Carlos can chop more wood before they go help Uncle Jed with the horses.”

  “Ma, after Scarlett and I finish our chores can we go and see if Amy is sewing?”

  Lynn smiled and nodded. Amy was teaching them how to make clothes.

  Everyone seemed to get up at once and chores got done. Lynn was left alone in the house with Brian. She couldn’t help but keep an eye on Smitty’s cabin. Her heart was so full of him, as was her life. Finally, she couldn’t take the wondering anymore, and she bundled both herself and Brian up against the cold and walked to Smitty’s cabin.

  She knocked but there was no response. She found the door unlocked so she went in. Right away her body chilled from the inside out. He was gone. She walked around and realized his clothing and rifle were gone. On his bed was a note.

  Dearest Lynn,

  I might be the biggest coward you’ve ever met. I made you so many promises, but I don’t know if I can keep them right now. I really don’t know where I’m going or what I’m even seeking. I don’t know how I’m supposed to grieve when all I want is to grab the happiness in front of me. I’ll understand if you don’t want to wait for me. I swear I don’t know what is wrong, but I just can’t stay. It wouldn’t be right. The house and land are yours. Be happy, Lynn.

  Smitty.

  Stunned she sat on the bed and reread the letter. There was no mention of love or a future together. He wanted her but it really was a goodbye letter. Her heart fractured as tears rolled down her face. She held on to Brian and rocked as she cried. Smitty thought her too forward. If not for the children she’d be thinking about where she’d move to. It would have to wait until spring. Despite what he wrote, this was Smitty’s home, not hers. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat.

  Their love had been real, she refused to think otherwise. He’d just changed his mind. People did it all the time. But she never thought Smitty would. The shirt he wore the day before lay on the bed—it was the only thing he’d left behind—and she grabbed it and smelled it. It smelled like her Smitty and it made her cry all the harder.

  Perhaps he didn’t love her. Doubt swirled around her and settled in her heart. She’d been a fool. A stupid fool. She’d practically thrown herself at him last night, and he didn’t even want her. All his declarations of love were nothing but lies. He must have felt sorry for her. Her pride, her soul and her heart were all battered.

  What was she supposed to tell the children? They thought he had a girlfriend. And yes, he did: her. She never thought of herself as the other woman, but she was…or she had been at any rate. She’d talk to Mike, Eli, and Jed about it and arrange to move in the spring. Smitty had a right to his house and his family.

  Dang, with each thought she cried anew. Brian began to fuss. Lynn poured water into the basin and used a clean cloth to press the cold water against her sore, puffy eyes. Then she took Smitty’s shirt and tucked it under her cape. Making sure Brian was well dressed she headed out into the cold and made the walk to the house. Smitty’s house. It wasn’t her house, and it never would be.

  She needed to get ahold of herself for the sake of the children. It wouldn’t do for them to think Smitty had left them too. She’d just say he had to go and help out a friend for a while.

  She put Brian down for a nap and decided to scrub the kitchen floor. On her hands and knees, she used the brush and scrubbed until her fingers and knuckles were bleeding. She went into her room to put some salve on her hands and she saw the blue flannel shirt she had lain on the bed. It had been one of his favorites. She quickly hid it under her pillow, tended to her cuts, and then returned to the kitchen to start making supper.

  She felt the heat of the children’s stares as she worked, but she didn’t look up.

  “Where’s Pa?” Cindy asked.

  “I’m not sure, sweetheart. How was sewing with Aunt Amy?”

  Cindy chattered on and on, and Lynn was relieved that she didn’t need to say much.

  Supper wasn’t even done, but she needed to see if Mike knew anything. “Juan will you stay with the children? I need to talk to your uncles for a bit.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Without another word, she flew out of the house, her cape in her hands. She met Eli on her way, and he stopped her.

  “My tears will certainly freeze out here, Eli. Can you get Jed and meet me at Mike’s. I have something I need to discuss with you.”

  Eli looked concerned, and he opened his mouth but shut it again. “Will do.” He went in the direction of Jed’s house.

  Lynn hesitated as she stood outside of Mike’s door. What was she to say to them? It didn’t matter they needed to know Smitty was gone. She knocked, and Mike answered almost immediately. He took one look at her and invited her inside.

  “Is one of the children sick?” he asked.

  “The children are fine. Eli and Jed are on their way. I’d rather say what I have to say once.”

  “Come, sit by the fire. Susan, could you bring Lynn some coffee or whatever you women drink?”

  Susan came into the front room with a cup of coffee, and when she saw Lynn, she set the cup down and sat next to her, taking her into her arms. Lynn tried her hardest not to cry, but Susan’s sympathy was too much. Tears poured down Lynn’s face.

  She drew back and took a handkerchief out of her pocket. “I’ve gotten your blouse wet.”

  Susan offered a sympathetic smile. “It’ll dry.”

  Eli and Jed walked in. They both took one look at Lynn and then cocked an eyebrow at Mike.

  Lynn took a deep shaky breath. “Smitty left. He got word that Brenda and May have died.”

  “Once he makes arrangements he’ll be back,” Mike said confidently.

  Lynn shook her head. “It’s not that simple. He left me a note and it doesn’t sounds as though he plans to come back. Somehow, I drove him away.” She sighed. “I do plan to move on in the spring. This is Smitty’s home, and I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t come back.”

  “Did you have a fight?” Frowning in confusion, Eli leaned against the wall.

  “No, I don’t think so.” She pulled out the letter and handed it to Jed.

  Jed read it and handed it to Mike who read it and handed it to Eli.

  “I guess I don’t understand,” Eli said.

  “Last night I went to his cabin and kissed him. I could tell we both wanted the same thing, but I also knew he wanted to wait until we were married. He unbuttoned a few buttons and then somehow I felt dirty when he buttoned them without looking at me.” S
he put her hands on her flaming cheeks. “I’m so embarrassed. You must think badly of me.”

  Susan took Lynn’s hand. “Of course we don’t think badly of you. Smitty loves you. From what I hear, it’s been a long path for him with Brenda. Maybe he just needs to deal with it in his own way. I don’t agree with the way he went about it by leaving, but that’s Smitty.” She gave Lynn’s hand a quick squeeze. “He’ll be back.”

  Eli rubbed his jaw line. “Smitty knows you’re a widow. I see no reason for feeling embarrassed. He probably thought it too soon after Brenda died. Sometimes it doesn’t matter the situation. He has a big sense of duty and doing what’s right.

  Jed nodded. “He always told us to take care where women were concerned. Oh and wait until we were married.” He cocked his head. “We’re in for a storm tonight. We’d best batten down for it. One of us will be up to make sure you’re all right.”

  Lynn shook her head. “I’ve got Greg and Juan. You stay with your families. I hope Smitty has a place to take cover. I’d best go. Thank you for being understanding and explaining things to me.” She stood and kissed Susan on the cheek. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

  “I’ll walk you home,” Mike offered.

  “You’ll be able to see me from your upstairs window. No need for everyone to get cold. Good night.” She pulled her cape on, adjusted the hood, and was off to battle the strong frigid winds.

  Was Smitty outside and cold somewhere? Would he find shelter for the night? Did he feel as lonely as she did? She’d believed their love was a once in a lifetime type of love, but she’d been mistaken. He wouldn’t have left if it had been. What should she tell the children? Maybe she could just tell them he had some work he needed to get done for a week or so.

  She bit her lip and tried to hold her sob in. She didn’t know if he ever expected to come home. Her original plan to leave in the spring was the most sensible. She had some money saved and a few pieces of jewelry her husband, John had given her. They’d all be fine. Her heart would never mend, but she’d have to hide it from everyone. They deserved to be happy and not to live in her misery.

  She finally got to the door and opened it. The heat inside was so welcoming and she was on the receiving end of so many smiles. She swallowed hard and smiled back. Brian came to her on his little legs and she realized that her life was about these children, not about her love life.

  Scooping up Brian she kissed his neck and listened to him giggle. It was a balm to her wounded heart.

  Chapter Five

  Smitty whittled intently. He was busy making a nativity scene out of wood. He’d already carved most of the animals and now he was working on the shepherds.

  “Hey, Smitty,” a bulky redheaded man with a long, bushy beard began without looking up from the bridle he was repairing. “You’ve been here almost a month now. It’s not that I don’t enjoy your company, but you aren’t very cheerful. What about all those little ones who call you ‘pa’? I keep thinkin’ they’d already gotten a bad start in life losing their parents and all and there they are losing another pa. What about your boy, Greg? Maybe he decided to up and marry that girl. If so he’ll need your advice more than ever.”

  Smitty shrugged. He didn’t want to hear it.

  “I don’t know what that woman of yours did that was so terrible that you left her with all those kids, but maybe you could stay out of her way.” He glanced up. “I mean if she’s a harpy—”

  “She’s not a harpy, Oakly,” Smitty said in a calm voice.

  “Is she a nagger? Or maybe she just likes to start fights for the heck of it. I bet she’s not much to look at. But you did take them on, including this old maid.” Oakly returned his attention to the worn bridle.

  “She’s none of those things, Oakly. She’s as beautiful and as sweet as an angel.”

  “Ohhh. I get it. I’m so sorry, Smitty. She’s a dang fool for not wantin’ you. Hurt your pride, did she? In that case I guess you’ll have to stay a while more.” Oakly muttered under his breath about ungrateful women.

  “You know what, Oakly? You’re right. I did make a promise to those kids. As soon as this storm is over I’ll be going home.”

  “If you insist.” Oakly smiled widely

  “Not too much farther, River. We’re on our land now,” Smitty said, trying to encourage his tired horse. Smitty was exhausted too. They hadn’t stopped for long last night due to the cold temperature. They just kept going slow and steady.

  Every house had lamps lit, and it looked inviting. He glanced up at his big house and hoped he was welcome. First things first, though. River needed tending. He rode him into the barn, intending to dry him off and feed him some grain. As soon as he had his feet on the ground, he was hugged by Juan and Carlos.

  “I thought you’d left forever,” Carlos said with tears in his eyes.

  It was like an arrow to Smitty’s heart. He hadn’t done right by the children. He hugged both boys back. “I’m back to stay. I had a lot to think about, but my family is here.”

  “Yes, Uncle Mike, Uncle Eli, and Uncle Jed are all here,” Juan said.

  Smitty put his hands on one shoulder of each boy. “By family I meant you and the children.”

  Carlos lit up. “Maybe Ma will stop crying at night. Oops. I’m supposed to pretend I didn’t hear her. Some girl thing.”

  Smitty nodded. “I’m heading up there now to talk to her.” Facing her was going to be hard. He should have never left her. Would she want him back?

  “We’ll take care of River,” Juan told him. An enthusiastic grin lit his face.

  “Thanks.” Smitty grabbed his saddlebags and started the walk up to his house. He noticed curtains rustling in everyone else’s windows. There were no secrets here. Everyone knew he was home. He’d thought about it the whole way back, and he still didn’t know what to say to Lynn. He’d hurt her and badly.

  He hesitated outside the door and then walked in. 0 Lynn sat in front of the fire rocking Brian. He was fussing something awful.

  He took off his coat, gloves, and hat and stood watching Lynn.

  A gasp in the kitchen doorway drew his attention. Scarlett stood there, her face beaming with a welcoming smile. “Pa!” she cried, and ran to him.

  Before long, all the children had scampered into the kitchen and were clinging on him, giving long, hard hugs. He embraced each in turn, and it surprised him how much love swelled in his heart. Finally, he glanced up and spotted Lynn. She didn’t look at him; she was busy with a fretting Brian.

  Smitty walked over, gently took Brian from her and held him. Brian stopped fretting and stared at Smitty. He reached out and grabbed a fistful of hair and then pulled as hard as he could. Smitty’s jaw dropped as the rest of the children laughed.

  He snuck a peek at Lynn and caught her lips twitching. Gently he got his hair out of Brian’s grasp. “I swear you’ve grown. Hasn’t he, Lynn?”

  She stiffened and stared into the fire. “All little ones grow. You’ve been gone a long while,” she said softly in a monotone voice. Her eyes filled and she quickly turned her head.

  “It’s good to be home,” he said.

  The children all smiled and asked him many questions at once. He really wanted to speak with Lynn, but she still refused to look at him. He handed Brian back to her, poured himself some coffee, and sat at the kitchen table. Then he set about telling them all about Oakly and the animals he’d trapped. To his surprise, it took almost all afternoon.

  When Lynn moved to hand Brian to Scarlett, Smitty grabbed him instead and held him close to his chest. He couldn’t believe he’d left this. It hadn’t been worth the risk of losing his family and he still wasn’t sure if he was entirely welcome. All through supper she’d made it a point not to look at him but he could see the hurt in her eyes. He was at fault, he was the one who’d done that to her.

  It wouldn’t do to let on how troubled he was over Lynn’s distant attitude, so he acted happy. Surely, after everyone was tucked in, he’d be able to talk
to Lynn. Before he had the chance to approach her, though, she went to her bedroom and closed the door. He stood outside of it like some green boy. He couldn’t allow this to go on. He knocked softly and opened the door.

  Lynn’s nightgown was just falling into place but not before he saw her silky thighs and calves. She turned, stared at him, and then just turned away. From the way her shoulders heaved, he knew she was crying.

  He walked up behind her, turned her and pulled her against him. This was his fault. She’d never done one single thing, yet here she was so full of hurt. He could hardly breathe until she slowly slid her arms around his waist. He never knew a person could have so many tears inside. Tears slid down his face as he held her. Was it his return causing her so much distress? Perhaps he should have stayed gone. He needed her, he loved her.

  “I’m so sorry, Lynn,” he whispered into her ears. “I should have told you myself I was going away instead of leaving you a note.”

  She pulled away and crossed her arms in front of her. “Yes, you should have. I had the impression you weren’t coming back, and I searched the corners of my mind for a reason you left. I kept wondering what I’d done so wrong that you’d up and leave. My heart shattered when I read your note, and I’m not the same woman I was. I can’t explain it. I just feel different. It’s almost as though my eyes had been opened to the world. I’m wary and not as trusting or loving. I can’t help it and I know the children feel it.” She paused and drew a breath. She locked gazes with Smitty. “I failed you as a woman, and I’m failing them as a mother.”

  “Lynn, that’s—”

  She held up a hand and shook her head. “I wake up every morning determined that they have a good day. But I can see it in their eyes. Some of their happiness has faded. I’m not going to take in any more children. I can care for and support the ones I have now, but that’s it. You don’t have to worry. I’m in the process of finding us a place to live. There is a very nice man who has a farm and loves children. We’ve written to each other. He seems like he’d be good for them. He’s a church-going man.”