Then Kiss Me

by Jade C. Jamison

  And that’s why I was falling so hard for him.

  I honestly don’t know that I was able to give that all back to him. Part of me was afraid of things not working out. After all, I’d never had a successful relationship, and by that I mean I’d never had one last past the so-called honeymoon phase. Barry and I were happy for several years, though, more than I’d ever felt with someone else, but I had glimpses of problems early on. He was too possessive, too bossy, too controlling. Those things didn’t set well with me, and so we started fighting frequently. But I still hung on. My mom kept insisting I try to work it out.

  Did I see myself with Scott in the future? Lying there in his arms that night, I wanted to imagine it…but I was afraid. Would imagining it jinx the possibility? Why couldn’t I just be happy in the moment?

  At some point, I fell asleep, letting myself let go of my worries, instead just enjoying having Scott’s strong arms around me, keeping me warm and safe, breathing him in.

  When I woke up the next morning, Scott wasn’t in bed. I wasn’t surprised I’d slept later. I had no idea what time I’d finally fallen asleep the night before, but I knew that’s why I hadn’t awakened earlier—my thoughts had kept me up late. I found my clothes picked up, setting on a chair near the drum set. Aw…that was sweet. I hadn’t bothered doing that with his clothes yesterday. So I threw on my shirt and panties and looked around the house. No one was there, neither Scott nor David. Maybe Scott had had to go to work. I didn’t see a note anywhere and wondered if guys ever bother to write notes but saw the coffee on. I guess he’d left it for me. I drank half a cup while I smoked a cigarette, deciding to take a shower and then go home.

  I’d thought ahead yesterday and tucked an extra toothbrush and fresh pair of panties in my purse, and I took them out now. I didn’t know if I should leave the toothbrush here or just carry it with me. I didn’t want to freak Scott out, but I also wanted to be able to clean my teeth in the morning. Nothing sucked worse than having horrible morning breath combined with an overwhelming desire to make out with your boyfriend. A toothbrush on premises alleviated that problem. Maybe I’d ask him…or just leave it and not worry about it.

  So I went back upstairs and stripped. I found a towel and washcloth in a cabinet over the toilet and got it out. I checked to make sure there were soap and shampoo. No conditioner for my long hair, but they were guys with short hair and didn’t need it, and I cursed myself mentally. Sure, I’d remembered a toothbrush and panties, but not the conditioner. Oh, well. I’d never claimed to be perfect.

  I brushed my teeth first and then turned on the water until I had it adjusted to a comfortable temperature. I noticed the tub was already wet, so I knew someone had showered earlier, probably Scott, again adding to my suspicion that he’d had to leave for work or something. (I’d have to start paying closer attention to his work schedule.) I got in and shut the frosted glass doors on the shower. The warm water felt soothing against my skin and I just enjoyed the feeling for a moment or so. But I hadn’t even been in the shower for a minute when I spied someone standing in the bathroom doorway…just standing, not saying anything. I gasped but knew he couldn’t hear me over the streaming water.

  But then I realized I shouldn’t panic. It had to be Scott—David’s build was so much different from his, and I could tell that much from the shape of the person there. Besides, David wouldn’t just stand in the bathroom doorway and watch me shower, and even if he’d brought Gerald over with him this morning, Gerald wouldn’t either. They weren’t into girls, so there would be no reason to just stand and watch me. If, for some reason, they’d needed something, they would have said something.

  And that’s what the person in the doorway was doing…just watching, not saying a word.

  So…it had to be Scott, reappearing from wherever he’d been. He was just watching me shower. Oh, shit. That was fucking hot. This was another foreplay moment, like when I’d been rubbing his chest with oil. And, hell…we’d wound up in the shower then too. I decided to have fun with it. If watching me shower got him all hot and bothered, I was going to make quite a show of it.

  I pretended not to see him. Even if he knew I knew, I figured it would be hotter if he felt voyeuristic. I decided to do everything I needed to in the shower but to make it as sexy as possible. So when I shampooed my hair, I arched my back while I rubbed it in and rinsed it out. I didn’t know how much he could see, but there was a frosted window in the shower and so I was backlit with sunlight. Surely, he could see a lot. I supposed if I could make out his shape, figure out it was him, he could see a lot too, and what he couldn’t quite make out, his imagination could run with.

  So when I took the bar of soap, I ran it over my arms first, just gliding a hand up and down, but I had lots of fun washing my breasts and tummy. If watching me touch my breasts had the effect on him I thought it would, he would be getting pretty hot about now. I know I was. So then I extended one leg, placing my foot on the edge of the tub, gliding the bar of soap up slowly. And then I did it with the other leg. Okay…now it was starting to feel a little creepy. He wasn’t even moving. He should have stripped his clothes off by now and just jumped in with me already. So I finished up and rinsed off. I was feeling desirous already. I couldn’t wait to see the look on his face when I got out. I shut off the water and opened the door.

  And to say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was freaked out. It wasn’t Scott.

  It was Jim standing in the doorway.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked, now growing scared. I grabbed the towel I had laid out earlier and covered up the important stuff. My hair was dripping, and I was chilled. “Get the hell out of here!”

  Instead, though, he took a step closer. I couldn’t read him at all. “Quite a show you put on. No wonder Scott’s got such a hard on for you. Cute titties too.”

  “You pig. Get out of here. Now!”

  But he grabbed my arms, his fingers digging into my flesh. I still had the bruises on my arm from when he’d manhandled me earlier in the week. It hurt. “I don’t think so.”

  I tried to resist but realized I didn’t have the strength. Being forceful was getting me nowhere. I wasn’t strong enough. So I said, “What about Julie?”

  He sneered. His eyes were dark, the pupils melded with his irises so that I couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began. “What about her? Julie’s just glad she doesn’t have to sleep with me.” What? Then why the fuck were they married? Before I could say anything, though, he said, “No…I figure, you’re hot; I’m ready; let’s go. How can you say no to a guy like me?” The look of disgust that had crossed his face when talking about his wife turned into a leer. The smell of alcohol hung on his breath like the stench of a wet dog sitting in front of a fire.

  I tried another tactic. “I’ll tell Scott.”

  “Scott. Yeah, you tell Scott. See what he says.” He lowered his voice and brought his face closer to mine, so close that I could feel the heat of his breath on my cheek. “Besides, I’m much better in bed than Scott.” I screwed up my mouth and tried to knee him in the crotch, but I missed. He blocked my attempt with his leg. “Cute, you little tramp,” he said and then started kissing my neck. My flesh crawled. If it could have, it would have jumped off my bones in an attempt to avoid his lips.

  He pulled the towel down off me, and I started pummeling him with my free fist, but to no avail. It was like he didn’t even feel it. Maybe he was so drunk, he really didn’t. He threw me on the bathroom floor, and my back hit the side of the tub. I yelled in pain. “Get off me,” I growled, but it was weak, and I started to reconcile myself to the fact that I was about to be raped. I tried to shut off my mind, but I couldn’t. The tears started to fall against my will.

  I squirmed but it made no difference. He held both my arms above my head with one hand and started to unzip his pants with the other. I knew this was going to hurt. I squirmed and struggled, but it only increased the pain of his hand digging into my wrists. I
started yelling again for him to get off me. Soon, though, the yells turned to sobs. He didn’t care. In fact, it seemed to make him more excited, the sick fuck.

  Just as I had given up all hope, my hero showed up in the doorway. “Help me,” I whimpered, although it was unnecessary. It took Scott no time at all to pull Jim off.

  Jim blurted out, “She wanted it, man.” I cowered in the corner, my knees drawn to my chest, shivering. Then I started crying in earnest.

  Scott said, “What the hell’s the matter with you?”

  “She wanted it.”

  “Look at her—does she look like she wanted it?”

  Jim turned back around, pleading with Scott. “She needs it. She’s obviously not getting enough from you. You know it’s happened—”

  Before Jim could finish his sentence, Scott grabbed the front of Jim’s shirt, punching him in the face. His voice was low, guttural, when he said, “Get the fuck out of here before I kill you.”

  Jim took the hint and made time running down the hall. I buried my head in my arms. Scott came over, squatting down beside me. “You okay?”

  “No,” I answered between sobs.

  “Did he—”

  “No. Almost. If you hadn’t gotten here when you had—” My voice trailed off. He helped me stand up and led me to his room, letting me sit on the bed. He handed me one of his clean t-shirts out of his dresser drawer and then sat next to me. I pulled the shirt over my head as my sobs slowed.

  He put his arm around me and pulled me to his chest. “I went to the store to get some donuts. I figured you made me breakfast the other day…it was the least I could do.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell him I wished he wouldn’t touch me. I knew it was stupid, but I felt violated. I hadn’t been raped, hadn’t even been touched in a sexually violent way, but I felt emotionally fucked with. I needed some time to sort through the emotions. Still…Scott had saved me from that fate and I didn’t want to seem ungrateful and push him away. But when he suggested coffee, I accepted.

  We went to the kitchen but I didn’t eat any of the donuts. I wasn’t hungry. I also didn’t feel like talking. I just sipped coffee and chain smoked. Scott didn’t say anything either. I finished my coffee and stood up. Scott touched my hand and asked, “You sure he didn’t?”

  Oh…he was so sweet. The tender look on his face, his eyes full of worry told me what I needed to know. But…I still had to process my emotions, and being with him right now didn’t allow me that. “It’s hard to explain. I just…need to go home for a while. It’s not you. I just need some time.”

  He stood up, pulling me close. “I’m sorry.” He kissed me on the forehead but didn’t push me otherwise. I felt relief. I just needed some time to pull myself together.

  I had to work a short lunch shift later that day and was relieved to see Jim wasn’t there. I was debating about whether I should press charges and thought I might talk to Scott about that. I wanted his opinion.

  After engaging in real life again, I felt a little better. I reminded myself that I hadn’t really been raped. Things would have been quite different if Scott hadn’t shown up. But he had. I had to keep reminding myself of that.

  I called Scott’s phone around nine o’clock and just got his voicemail. I didn’t feel like leaving a message, so I called David’s phone. I asked him if Scott was home, but he said Scott was working and should be home sometime after ten. “Why don’t you come over?”

  I liked that idea, so I put on a jacket and drove over. When I got there, David played gracious host, asking if I wanted a drink. I told him I just wanted a glass of water. We sat at the kitchen table talking for a while about nothing in particular—work, celebrity gossip (one of David’s favorite topics), and his escalating relationship with Gerald. He didn’t say anything about the morning’s events, but I could tell he knew. He was being a little too gentle with me, tiptoeing around the obvious a little too much. I appreciated it, though, because I wasn’t ready to talk to him about it. I might not ever be ready to talk to him about it.

  After a while, I heard the front door open. I looked down at myself. I knew I was quite a sight. I wouldn’t be any vision of beauty to the man I cared about. I was wearing an oversized long-sleeved white t-shirt so long the sleeves covered my hands to the knuckles and gray sweatpants that had old paint on them. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail beneath a black baseball cap.

  Scott came in the kitchen. “Casey…I thought that was your car out front.” He sat down next to me. “You doin’ okay?” I nodded. He moved his chair close to mine and hugged me. “What are you doing here?”

  “I just wanted to talk. Is that all right?”

  “Yeah, of course. I’m gonna go shower and change clothes, though.”

  David asked if I wanted something else to drink while Scott ran up the stairs. “No, I’m okay. Thanks.”

  He sat back down. We were silent for a few moments until he said, “Scott told me what happened.”

  I looked down at the table. “Yeah, I figured.”

  “Don’t be mad at him, Case. I asked. He came in to work, and I asked him what was going on. Jim had been in earlier with a swollen black eye, and he said Scott had done it. I didn’t believe him, so I asked Scott.”

  I giggled for the first time that day. “Yeah, he decked him pretty good.”

  David laughed. “Serves him right. I think Scott should punch him once a day just for being an asshole.”

  We started laughing so hard I cried. It was quite a release—exactly what I needed.

  I could hear the water running upstairs and thought maybe I could get away with asking a few questions…questions I wasn’t necessarily comfortable asking Scott. “David, you’re my friend, right?”

  He knitted his eyebrows. “Yeah…”

  “I just wanted to ask you about Wendy.”

  Now his brows furrowed completely. “What about her?”

  I looked down at my fingers peeking out from the sleeves. “Did she and Scott ever…you know…hook up?”

  He laughed, releasing the tension I’d caused just by asking the question in the first place. “You mean…did they sleep together?” I nodded. “No…I’m pretty sure they didn’t. She’s a skank. He did take her out a couple of times, about a month before you started working at Bob’s.” He lowered his voice and leaned over the table. “Don’t tell Scott I told you this, but she slept with Jim. Scott dumped her when he found out.”

  I whispered, even though I could still hear the water running upstairs. “How did he find out?”

  “Shit…they were screwing in Scott’s bed.”

  “What?”

  “It was before we moved here. Scott was renting a room at Jim’s place. That’s part of the reason why he and I got a place together—no chance I’d be screwing any of his love interests.” I smiled and a sheepish look painted his face. “That and I was tired of living at home with my parents, even if they did want my help around the house and told me I could live with them forever.” He took a sip of his drink. “But…Jim would have told him anyway.”

  I heard the water upstairs shut off. “Thanks for telling me. I…uh…didn’t want to ask Scott.”

  “That’s okay. Just don’t tell him I told you. He likes to keep his secrets to himself.” He got up and started filling up his glass with more ice and then grabbed a big bottle of amber liquor, but I couldn’t tell what it was. He said, “Actually, you’re the—” He paused, hesitating as he heard the stairs creaking. He lowered his voice. “Never mind.” I nodded and took another long drink off my glass of water.

  Scott walked in, looking…yummy. I didn’t know that I was ready again for his touch, but my eyes appreciated the way he looked. “I heard you two laughing. What was so funny?”

  “Jim…David told me he had quite a shiner.”

  Scott smiled. “Too bad I didn’t get to see it.”

  David said, “I’m gonna hit the hay. I open tomorrow.”

  We both told him good night,
and he gave me a brotherly hug before he left the room. Scott sat down next to me. “So…what’s on your mind?”

  I took a deep breath. “Do you think I should file a police report? You know…file charges against Jim?”

  He considered my words before he said, “I don’t know, Casey. That’s up to you. If you’re asking if I’d have a problem with it, I wouldn’t. You need to do what will make you feel better.”

  “Well, for Julie’s sake, I don’t want to. But I’m afraid he might do it again.”

  Scott shook his head. “I don’t think he will.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Honestly? ‘Cause you’re the first woman to say no to him.”

  I sought answers in his eyes but I couldn’t read him. “How do you know that?”

  “Trust me; I know.” He paused. “Anything else I can tell you to help you make your decision?”

  “No. Thanks for your help.” I exhaled. “I don’t think I’ll do it.”

  He took my hand in his. “Do you want to stay here tonight, or do you need me to take you home?”

  “I’d like to stay…if you don’t mind.”

  He stood and took my hand, shutting off the lights and locking the front door on his way through the house. We sat on the couch in the living room. He held me close, and we didn’t talk for a long time. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “I think so.”

  He only held me, didn’t try anything else. I kissed him and finally fell asleep with my head on his chest. I was at peace at last.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I AWOKE LATE that night, buried in the pitch black curtain of midnight. I couldn’t get my bearings at first. But when I sat up in bed, I realized all my clothes were on, save my shoes. Once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I noticed was in Scott’s room. He was lying next to me asleep.

  I wanted to make love with him, wanted to erase the memories of the morning before. So I slipped my clothes off and dropped them off the side of the bed. I tried to remember how I got to bed earlier that night, but I couldn’t. All I could figure was that Scott carried me from the couch to his bed. And he must have known I was still feeling vulnerable, because he hadn’t tried anything, hadn’t taken any of my clothes off, even to try to make me comfortable. But I wanted him now, and knowing that level of sensitivity made me want him all the more. I snuggled up next to him. He was lying on his back. I could barely hear his breathing but it was rhythmic. I wondered how long he’d been asleep.