Then Kiss Me

by Jade C. Jamison

  I ran my hand down his body, starting at his pec. He was only wearing underwear. Well, that would be easy enough to remedy in good time. I brought my hand back up to his chest and ran my fingers across it, then brought my lips to his neck, leaving little kisses along his jaw. Then I ran my fingers up and down his thigh, coming close to his penis but not touching it. Well, okay, I brushed against it, but only because I wanted to see if what I was doing was working.

  It was.

  I felt his arm move up against my waist, and that was all the further encouragement I needed. I sat up and then straddled his sides, still kissing his neck. “What are you doing up?” he asked.

  “Shhh,” I whispered in his ear. I continued kissing his neck, just teasing him, heating him up, waking him further.

  But I was unable to control myself and felt my hips gyrating against his hardness. His hands wound through the hair at the base of my neck and he brought my lips from where they were playing on his chest up to his own, and once there, he consumed me. Then he rolled over on top of me and he was completely awake. He took one of my breasts in his mouth, making me arch my back and sigh. His hand trailed down my abdomen to my slit, and I felt him slide a finger inside me. “Jesus…you’re ready…”

  “So fuck me.”

  He didn’t need to be told twice. I let out a heavy sigh as he entered me, filling me completely. I was close, so close, and he was too. We were both trying to be quiet in the emptiness of the night, and somehow that made what we were doing hotter. So as he moved inside me, my muscles tightened to the extreme and then released, and even though I consciously forced myself to be quiet, I couldn’t help but vocalize my pleasure. It had always been something I had little control over, but at times I could minimize it, as I did at this moment. I kept it to a low rumble in my throat, until the very end when I said, “Oh, Scott…baby…”

  And that’s when he came too.

  And it wasn’t until I rested my head on his chest afterward when I felt the wetness between my legs that I realized we’d completely skipped the condom this time. What the fuck had I been thinking? Hadn’t I decided I was going to get on the pill just to be safe? Jesus…it was like I wanted to sabotage myself.

  But he felt so right, and before he fell back to sleep, he said, “You are…something else.” I kissed his chest. “I mean that in a good way.”

  I smiled. “I figured.”

  “You are something special, Casey.”

  I forgot about my worries then, just focusing on the warmth of his voice and the feeling of love that was consuming me.

  I woke up the next morning on my side, one of his arms around me, his chest pressed up against my back. I lay there, enjoying and appreciating the feeling. After a few minutes, I heard him say, “You awake?”

  “Mmm-hmm.”

  “We’re playing at a bar this weekend. You wanna come?”

  “When?”

  “Saturday night.”

  “Shit. I think I’m scheduled to work Saturday night.”

  “Closing?”

  “No.”

  “Well, we don’t start till nine, so…”

  “Yeah, I can catch most of it.” I liked that idea, that this time I’d be watching the band and knowing that…whoa. The gravity of my thoughts hit me. My boyfriend would be playing the drums. But that was a line I wasn’t ready to cross yet. It didn’t matter that I already knew I was in love. I wasn’t ready to rest the waters yet. I rolled over, having composed my face into a more neutral expression. “I’d love that.”

  “Cool.” I felt him stretch. “Sorry…I have to be to work at eleven. I gotta get up.” He kissed the top of my head and then sat up. “I promise not to get donuts this morning.”

  After that morning, he either spent the night at my place or I stayed at his. We never spent a night alone after that until I left Winchester. We didn’t even ask if we wanted the other over. The question instead was whose place we’d be staying at. And, more often than not, it was at my place, because I lived alone and we had more privacy.

  When I saw Jim again, I saw that he did have a nasty-looking black eye. He was humble when he approached me and said, “Sorry about the other day. It’ll never happen again.” Later that day he asked me to not tell Julie.

  The days flew by and July was right around the corner. I sold another painting, and Barry only called once more. I got to watch Scott play not once but twice, and the second time he did introduce me as his girlfriend. That made it official.

  So…things seemed to be going well. I started drawing sketches of what I thought would be great tattoo art, gunning for the fall show at the Arts Center. I figured I’d need to take some of my sketches in early August to see if I could get in.

  And then I skipped a period. At first, I thought I was just late. But two weeks later, I still hadn’t had it. I began to worry, wondering if I really could be pregnant. I kept the fear to myself, though, because I’d skipped periods in the past and had late periods. But I was still nervous, wondering if maybe I could get pregnant. Why had we been lax about protection?

  I knew why. I’d already let Scott off the hook, telling him about my infertility woes, but I should have gotten back on the pill. I’d thought about going to Planned Parenthood so I could. Even if not, I could have insisted we use condoms. But he was a ravenous animal without them, and I loved that. We were spontaneous without them, not having to worry about when or where. Yeah…irresponsible, I know, and I take full blame for that.

  So I was grappling with the realization that I could be pregnant. One night after work, I bought a pregnancy test at the store. Scott wasn’t due over for several hours, so I figured I could just get it over with. I followed the directions and waited a minute like the test said. It was hard to read, but as near as I could tell, I could be pregnant. The package, of course, urged me to see a doctor to confirm results.

  My mind struggled with the idea that I was pregnant. I started picturing it in my mind—a tiny child growing in my womb, something I’d never thought possible. It made me feel warm and motherly, but it also scared the shit out of me. I wasn’t married (my parents would freak out); I didn’t have a “real” job; I had no insurance. What kind of a life would the baby have? And while I loved the idea of Scott being the father of my child, I didn’t think he was any more ready than I was. We’d never talked about the future together, had never talked about anything like that. We’d been too busy enjoying the present.

  I used my phone to search the yellow pages online, looking for OB/GYN Services. There was a Planned Parent clinic for low-income people like yours truly. I decided I would call them tomorrow afternoon after work.

  Scott came over later and we ordered a pizza and watched a movie. I was thankful, because I wasn’t up for talking too much. I was too scared, and I knew I couldn’t tell Scott. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

  And that night, we made love like it was the last time. I didn’t know it then, but it was the last time before I left. And, almost as though his subconscious sensed it, he didn’t let me go all night. The next morning, I almost told him…but I didn’t.

  When he left, I went to the Planned Parenthood clinic. I decided not to put it off until later. I couldn’t do anything until I knew for certain.

  There was a young girl there…seventeen-ish, if my guess was right. She was with her boyfriend. I tried to read an old issue of People magazine, but I was too distracted and worried…and that made it impossible for me to tune out what the two were saying.

  “Jess…you should let me come back there.”

  “No. It’s my body.”

  “Yeah…but if you’re pregnant, it’s my child. And I should have a say in it.”

  She lowered her voice further, but I still couldn’t avoid hearing what she said. “Fine. But I don’t want you watching if I have to pee in the cup or if they have to do an exam. Can I at least have a little privacy?”

  “Yeah…of course. Of course.”

  That’s when the nurse came out in
to the waiting room. “Casey?” I nodded and followed her back. I was feeling numb.

  I sat with her in a little exam room. She asked me a series of questions based on the forms I’d completed. She asked me the date of my last period and other questions I can’t remember now. She too thought it was possible I could be pregnant and she advised that I take a pregnancy test. She gave me a plastic cup with a blue lid that had my last name written on top with a Sharpie. I had to leave a urine sample in the cup, and then I had to put it inside the little door that looked like a cabinet beside the toilet. But it had another door on the other side, presumably so the nurse could pull my sample out when she was ready. When I came out, she was on the phone in a little recessed desk area across from the bathroom. She covered the speaker and asked me to have a seat in the waiting room.

  Shortly after, the waif-like raven-haired girl the nurse called Jessica went in the back. I knew she was getting ready to undergo what I’d just done, but the nurse that took her back acted less interested than my nurse. At least the nurse who’d talked with me seemed to give a shit. This poor girl had to deal with someone who just wanted to go home and have a beer.

  The longer I sat there, the more nervous I grew. The magazine didn’t hold my interest and neither did the television sitting in the corner of the room that the young man had switched on after his girlfriend had been called back. Soon, she rejoined him and he switched the TV back off.

  “So?” he asked the girl.

  “I had to take a pee test. They’ll let me know when they know.”

  Just a few minutes later, my nurse called me back into a room. And the words she said took my breath away. “Casey, your results came back positive.” That last word echoed in my ears over and over. Positive? I missed part of what the nurse said afterwards, because I was in utter shock. When I was able to pay attention again, she was saying, “…have counseling if you’d like to discuss your options. Now, I want you to know, these test are not one-hundred percent accurate. In fact, you’re welcome to come back and test again in a week.” She took a deep breath and said, “If you choose to keep your child, we encourage you to schedule an appointment with an obstetrician as soon as possible. We have a list of available doctors in our area if you’re interested.” She made sure she had my attention when she said, “Any questions?”

  I sat, still numb and in shock. Questions…only a thousand. How did this happen? Well, I knew the answer to that one. But how did I get pregnant? Had Barry been the problem? How would I tell Scott? What the hell should I do?

  Questions? Those were just the start. But I answered, “Oh, no, thanks.” I wasn’t able to say much more.

  She said something else that didn’t register, and then I stood up. “Thank you for your help. She handed me several pamphlets, and I promised to look through them later.

  She led me back to the lobby and then called the other girl. She and her boyfriend stood up and the girl stopped in front of me and touched my arm . I looked in her eyes. She said, “Are you pregnant?”

  I wasn’t prepared to lie. I just nodded my head. “Yeah.”

  The girl looked worried, as though she could sense my fear, but she said, “Congratulations.”

  As though I hadn’t been stressed enough, the girl’s reaction just compiled my feelings of dread. I muttered something stupid like, “Good luck,” and walked out the door. And I was so upset when I left that, to this day, I cannot remember the drive home. PREGNANT. That was all I could think, could see, could feel. What would Scott think of me? What about my parents, my sister? Barry? All I wanted to do was run away.

  When I got home, I sat down with all the paperwork they’d given me. One was on birth control (a little late), another was on prenatal care, and the last on abortion. Stop! I didn’t think abortion was an option for me, especially after having believed for so long that I would never be able to have a child. How could I lose this one chance? There was already a life growing inside me, and this child was half Scott, a man I loved deeply. I just couldn’t abort the child, no matter how much sense it made.

  I grew upset to my stomach with all the worry and barely made it to the bathroom in time to throw up. But was it stress or was I experiencing morning sickness?

  I even considered calling Barry. He’d always seemed to have all the answers. He would know what to do. And…he’d wanted a baby so badly, he would maybe even be willing to raise this child as his own. He had good insurance. We could get married again and—what the fuck was I thinking?

  I broke down and cried…for too long.

  The only thing I wanted to do was run away. I hadn’t wanted to grow up yet and now I was forced with an adult decision, one I wasn’t ready to make. Running away seemed like the perfect option. I thought maybe I could go to South America or Canada or somewhere else, have the baby, and live my life. Maybe even come back to Winchester when all was said and done. At least not as much could be said if the baby was already here. My mother would be the worst. And I could maybe time it so Scott wouldn’t know the baby was his either, so he wouldn’t feel obligated if he wasn’t ready.

  More than anything else, I needed to find myself. If I was going to have to become a mother, I needed to discover myself…stop hiding from myself. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t know who I was? That was part of the reason why I’d left Barry. And now, here I was again, falling in love at the drop of a hat, becoming—of all things—a mother. I still didn’t know who Casey was. I didn’t even know if I liked her.

  Rational or not, by the time I had to go to work, I’d made up my mind. I was going away. I would focus on my art (hoping it could become a solid source of income with which to raise my child) and on being a mother. No matter where I went, I was sure I could find some kind of work, so I wasn’t worried about that.

  I arrived at work early. I saw Scott and waved, hoping I seemed natural. But then I spotted Ed. “Hey, Ed, have you got a minute?”

  “Sure. What do you need?”

  “To talk.” He looked serious and nodded, urging me to continue. “In private.”

  “Oh. Okay. Let’s go.”

  We went into his office and he shut the door. After sitting down, he asked, “What’s up, Casey?”

  “I’m really sorry, but I’m giving you a one-week notice, beginning now.” Keep in mind I’d only been at Bob’s for about three months. I was bailing on everything…my job, my lease, everything.

  I saw Ed start to grow angry as he often did. He hated hiring new staff, probably more than Scott hated it. But Ed’s temper was mitigated by the look on my face. “What’s wrong?”

  I felt warm tears start to force themselves out of the corners of my eyes. “I can’t talk about it. I just need to go. Um, Ed, please don’t tell anyone else about this until tomorrow.”

  I could tell he had more questions but said nothing. “No problem.” He stood up and put his arms around my shoulders and hugged me. “We’re going to miss you here.”

  “I’ll miss you too.” He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Take as much time as you need in here.” He got up and walked back to the kitchen. I figured he was going to cover for me until I could get my teary shit together.

  I grabbed a tissue off the desk and wiped my eyes and nose. Now the hardest part: Scott.

  It was busy in the kitchen, and so I dove into the work. I tried to act like everything was normal, but I knew it wasn’t working. When things slowed down, I saw Scott in the corner talking with Ed. Ed nodded his head and I heard him say to Scott, “You can go.” Then he walked over to me and said, “Casey, go take your break.”

  I knew Scott was clocking out, but I went outside. I wasn’t ready to talk to him, and I was afraid to. Lots of people were taking their breaks, now that the rush was over. They were having fun, enjoying the cool summer evening. Chattering, friendly, happy. And I wanted nothing to do with it.

  I heard the door open behind me. It was Scott. “Casey, what’s the matter?” he asked softly, trying not to make
a scene.

  “Nothing.” I hoped to put off the inevitable. Till when, I didn’t know.

  “Come here.” He grabbed my hand and led me behind the storage shed. By now, everyone at Bob’s knew we were dating, so they probably just thought we were going to get hot and heavy in the fifteen minutes I had. What made that okay was I knew no one would come back there and disturb us.

  I could hear cars driving by the restaurant back there, but the employees taking their break were a dull roar. The light from a streetlamp poured into the area, so I could see Scott’s face. He said, “I’m not stupid, Casey. What’s wrong?”

  “Can we talk about this later?”

  He saw the look on my face. “Did I do something to hurt you?”

  “Oh, no, Scott. It’s not that.” He hugged me and I let myself fall into his arms. I wanted to just get lost there; instead, I felt like a child ripped from its mother’s womb when he pulled my shoulders back so he could look me in the eyes.

  “Casey, you’re crying.” He wiped away a tear with a finger. “Talk to me. I won’t believe it’s not something I’ve done if you don’t tell me. Did Jim do something again?” I shook my head. “Your ex?” I shook my head again.

  I forced myself to maintain eyes contact. “Scott,” I sobbed, “I’m leaving Winchester.”

  He stood there for a moment, not knowing if he should believe me. Then he let go of me, almost as though my flesh was burning his hands. “Why?”

  Oh, shit. I had to think fast. ‘Cause I’m pregnant wasn’t the explanation I wanted to give him (thus the whole reason for leaving in the first place). So I told him the rest of the truth. “I need to find myself. I don’t know—have never known—who Casey is. I’ve always had someone in my life to rely on. From my parents’ house to college roommates, to boyfriends, to marriage, to this. I’ve never been alone before, never had to depend upon myself. I have to learn…and I’m not getting any younger.”