Ashes

by Taisha S. Ryan

  "She was just hurting, Za-"

  "That's not an excuse, Rey and you know it. If her ass really missed me she would've made the effort to check in on her daughter when she needed her the most. So, no I'm not seeing her ass." Hurt flared her as she spoke. Just the topic of her mother triggered painful emotions she didn't expect to feel so potently. The wound was still fresh and she realized even now, she still hadn't gotten over the hurt. Seeing her mother would definitely not be a good idea. There was no telling how she would react if she did.

  "Listen, the only reason I didn't tell her you were here, was because you asked me not to. But she's hurting Zara, whether you believe it or not. And it's selfish for you to run away and hide, just because you're too afraid to face your problems like some immature ass little girl. Despite what relationship ya'll had, at the end of the day, she's still your mother. And she deserves to know that her daughter is alive and okay. So for once! For once in your life, you need to grow the hell up, and see Ma or I'll tell her that you're here. You choose."

  "Well, tell her then, 'cause I'm not staying here." Zara turned away and left.

  *

  Vance's eyes flew open at the sound of the doorbell. He lifted his head and looked at the computer screen before him, only to realize he had drifted off to sleep again. Drawing out a sigh, he rubbed his tired eyes. He had spent his day off preparing his presentation for the upcoming conference next week for the youth program's newly recruited staff, but he was just so damn tired lately. After attending and organizing so many meetings and events this past week, he hadn't had the time to fully sleep, much less even focus.

  He snapped out of his hazy trance and stood up from his seat, wondering who it was. He made his way to the front door and opened it. He blinked at the person before him.

  "Zara?"

  "Uh, hey," she smiled faintly.

  "What's up? What you doing here?" He was surprised to see her. She usually called before she showed up. He peered outside at the taxi cab as it took off into the night, then averted his gaze to her, swiftly scoping her attire. She was dressed in a casual hoodie, jeans and sneakers, with a duffle bag dangling her shoulder.

  "Is it okay if I come in?"

  He nodded, stepping aside and she entered his home. He closed the door.

  "What's going on?" he asked her.

  "Um..." She looked down at her feet. "I was wondering if I could stay here for a few days..."

  He grew silent.

  "I won't be any trouble. I just need to get away for a little while and you were the first person I thought of, so..."

  "Why? What's going on?"

  "Nothing, just...stuff..." She shook her head.

  "Everything okay?"

  "Yeah, I'm fine." She smiled. "Just had a long day, that's all."

  He noticed an odd sullenness in her demeanor. Something definitely wasn't right, but he decided to leave it alone for now.

  "Yeah, you could stay." He nodded.

  Chapter 34

  Vance stood by the doorway the next morning, watching as Zara slept. She looked so peaceful as she laid there naked under the disheveled sheets, as serene as can be. Her beauty radiated under the beaming sunlight, as it gleamed on every part of her features he found himself drawn to. He loved watching her sleep. Moments like these, he wondered how someone so beautiful could be flawed in so many ways.

  He wondered what was up with her yesterday. For her to just show up so unexpectedly left him confused.

  She had been mum about it, not once explaining what was going on, but he knew something was wrong. Even during sex, she just seemed so...out of it. The way she threw herself on him last night with desperation, yearning for him to please her body in more ways than one, puzzled him. If this were any other time, he would've loved it. But this time, it unsettled him. Her body was present, but her mind was far gone. He knew when a woman's mind was present during sex. He felt it. And Zara just wasn't mentally there. Something was going on with her and he wanted to know what it was.

  He couldn't help but wonder if this had something to do with that fool she was with. Maybe they had broken up, or had gotten into some huge fight and she needed to flee away and stay at his house for comfort. He hoped not. He had never been the stand in type of man to help mend a woman's heart when she was feeling hurt or lonely. And he definitely wasn't about to start now.

  He decided not to wake her. He would ask her later on. In the meantime, he went into the kitchen and cooked breakfast: scrambled eggs, pancakes and bacon. He couldn't remember the last time cooked breakfast. He would usually just grab a cup of coffee and go. But for some reason, he felt like cooking this morning. Plus, he was sure Zara would be hungry when she woke up.

  After he ate, he then lounged in the living room, watching the recap of last night's NFL game on Sports Center. When Zara appeared, he watched as she wandered gracefully into the kitchen dressed in his oversized T shit and basketball shorts. A slight grin tugged his lips. Lately, she had developed the habit of wearing his clothes in the morning. He liked seeing her in his clothes after a passionate night of sex. Especially when she wore just his T. With Zara, she didn't need to wear any type of scanty clothing, or be dosed heavy with make up to look good. She still managed to look beautiful, no matter what she wore, and there was nothing sexier than that.

  "Who's this for?" she asked, pointing to the plate of food on the counter.

  "It's yours," he said.

  "You cooked me breakfast?" she looked at him, surprised.

  His face grew hot and he rubbed his jaw uneasily, with a shrug. "I mean, that plate was really for me but you could have what's left of it."

  "Shit, you don't have to tell me twice," she piped up and grabbed the plate.

  She entered the living room and plopped next to him on the couch.

  "I didn't know you could cook."

  "I do a lil' somethin' somethin’." He shrugged.

  "Well, I hope it's good."

  "What you mean, you hope it's good? Girl, this is Chef Boyar V right here," he boasted, with his hand on his chest.

  She laughed. "Chef Boyar V? Really?"

  "Yeah, my food is delicious."

  She rolled her eyes. "Mhmm, okay Chef Boyar V, we'll see."

  She scooped up some eggs and a piece of her pancake, before stuffing it in her mouth. As she chewed, he watched her with a smile.

  "It's good, ain't it?"

  "Eh, it ain't that great."

  His mouth went agape and she laughed. "Oh, for real?"

  "No, I'm just playing. It's good, thank you." She rubbed his cheek before digging into her food.

  He nodded, satisfied then focused on the TV.

  "So, do you have to work today?" she asked.

  "Nah, I took the day off."

  "Why?"

  "Figured I'd tortured myself and stay here with you."

  She gasped and hit his chest, causing him to grin.

  "You didn't have to, though. You could've gone to work, I would've been fine here," she said, before taking a bite of her bacon.

  "Really."

  "Yeah, I'd manage."

  "So, what was up with you last night, then?"

  She grew quiet, and looked down. He waited for an answer. He knew she didn't want to talk about it, but he needed to get to the bottom of the situation. With a sigh, she placed the plate on the coffee table.

  "I just needed to get away."

  "Get away from what?"

  "Life."

  "Why? What's going on?"

  "My mother's back in town."

  He waited for her to say more, but she didn't.

  "And that's a bad thing?" he asked, confused.

  "Yeah it is. We've never had a good relationship. I haven't seen her in 5 years and at this point, I'm still not ready to. So that's why I left."

  "Why don't you wanna see her?"

  "Because...of what I turned out to be. What I've become, the things I did. I've caused her so much shame, I'm the last person she wants to s
ee."

  "And how do you know that?"

  "Because she's my mother."

  "Yeah, but I'm sure at the end of the day she still loves you.”

  “It’s a lot deeper than that.” She let out a sigh. “All my life, I’ve always ‘been the fucked up one. The failure. The one who was never gonna amount to shit. While, Ma on the other hand, was the typical strict church going woman. Always in church every Sunday, always quoting some bible scripture. So, with her, everything we did had to be perfect in the name of the Lord. And if we messed up, even if it was the smallest little thing, she would punish us.” Zara shook her head.

  “Me, I never gave two shits about church. I just never understood how we’re all supposed to be these perfect human beings. And if we don’t listen and do what God wants us to do, we’ll be sent to Hell. None of that made sense to me. So me and Ma just never got along. But then, there was this one thing that happened that ruined our relationship forever….” She let out a deep breath as she began.

  “One day, Ma was at the store, Rey was out, and I was home alone. I was about 12 or so. And the pastor from the church showed up at the house. He asked for Ma, supposedly he had something to give her. So, I told him, that she’d be right back. Then he asked if he could wait inside in the meantime, so I let him in, not thinking it was a big deal. His ass was always coming over to the house anyway. Then he just starting saying all these weird things to me. Telling me how beautiful I was, asking me if I had a boyfriend and all these other perverted ass questions. At that point, I thought the mutherfucker was crazy. So, I told him to leave. And when I did…he uh, dragged me to my room and raped me.”

  His chest caved. Swallowing the tightness in his throat, Vance said nothing.

  “I was...shocked.” Zara stared at the wall. “Before then, I was a virgin. You know, I didn’t really know much about sex or anything like that. So, when that happened, I didn’t even know what to do, or how to react to something like that. And when I told my mother, she just went off. Saying shit like, ‘how could you lie about something like that? You’re going to hell! You’re the devil’s child’. Just blaming me for everything, even though that Bible preaching muthafucka was the one that did that to me,” Anger gripped her tone.

  “After that, I just lost it. I was like fuck her, fuck everybody. I started acting out. Getting into trouble. I stopped caring at that point. So when the uh, situation with Trish happened and I got sent to jail, that broke her heart. She never visited me once, or answered any of my phone calls. She pretty much abandoned me when I needed her the most. Just like she did when I was 12. And that’s what hurt the most. Not having my mother there for me at my lowest point.”

  Vance’s heart saddened as she spoke. He didn’t know she had experienced all of that. All those times he used to shame her for her fast ways, not knowing there was a painful story behind it. To be raped then to have her own mother not believe her, was despicable to even fathom. He couldn’t imagine how painful that must’ve been. He suddenly felt bad for all the times he judged her in the past.

  “I think you should go and see her.”

  She chuckled bitterly. “For what? So, she could see how much of a fuck up I am?”

  “No, so she could see how much you’ve grown.”

  Her eyes fleeted to him and he paused, his own words surprising him.

  Clearing his throat, he kept on, “You’re not the same person you were before, you’ve changed and she deserves to see that. At the end of the day, she’s still your mother. You only get one. You shouldn’t let what happened in the past, ruin ya’ll relationship forever.”

  She sighed, and stared at her hands. “It’s just gonna take some time.”

  *

  For the whole evening, they did nothing but watch TV, smoke and eat. It had been truly an unproductive day for Vance, and as much as he should've been beating himself up for allowing this to happen, the truth was, he enjoyed every minute he spent with Zara. She helped him get his mind off of everything else in his world. He didn't worry about work and all the daily stresses that entailed his life. For the first time, he allowed himself to just...be. And it was the most relaxed he had been in a while.

  Vance watched as Zara yelled at the TV screen, grinning at her outlandish outbursts. She looked so adorable seated on his bed, dressed in her pajamas, chumming on a bowl of ice cream, watching The Price Is Right. She carried on with such excitement as though she were one of the contestants on the show and it was amusing.

  "Yes! See, I knew that was the answer!" She cheered.

  "You're a nerd you know that?"

  She flipped him the finger and he chuckled.

  When Zara's phone vibrated on the nightstand, Vance turned his attention to it. Too engrossed to notice, Zara kept her focus on the screen. Nosily, Vance picked up the phone and scowled at the sight of Sean's name flashing on the screen. He nearly answered it, wanting to let him know he was busy fucking his chick. But he refrained.

  "Aye, Zara."

  "Huh?" Zara turned to him.

  "Bryant Gumble's calling you."

  She hissed her teeth. "What did I tell you about that?" She took the phone from him and answered it.

  "Hey baby," she piped up.

  He rolled his eyes. Here came the bullshit again.

  "Nothing much, just watching TV." She got up out of the bed and paced around, like she usually did when she fed him lies.

  "The roses? Yeah, I got them, aww thank you. They were so sweet." She giggled.

  Vance turned up the volume, forcing himself to turn her out. He was in mood to hear her conversation. But the more she giggled like a little school girl, and spoke in that irritable high pitched voice, the more agitated he became. He wanted to tell himself that it was all an act she was putting on, but she just seemed so damn convincing he wasn't so sure. He wasn't even sure why it bothered him so much, but it did. And it took his all not to tell her to hang up the phone.

  "Okay, I love you too."

  He spun his head to her, frowning as she hung up the phone.

  "You love him?"

  She stopped in her tracks. He even surprised himself with his outburst, and he cleared his throat.

  "I mean, I just never heard you say that before," he said in a cooler tone.

  "It's complicated." She sighed and walked to the bed.

  "What do you mean it's complicated? You either love him or you don't."

  "Why does it matter to you, anyway?" She snapped.

  He asked himself the same question. Why did it matter to him?

  "It doesn't. Just wondering if it's another lie you told him."

  "It's not a lie," she said lowly.

  "It's not..."

  "No." She focused on the screen.

  "So, you do love him," he pressed.

  "Look, I don't feel like talking about this right now."

  "No, answer the question."

  "Yes, Vance I love him."

  His heart fell to the pit of his stomach. He stared at her wordlessly, as she stared at the screen, barely even sparing him a glance.

  He clenched his teeth. "So, if you love this fool so much, why're you even here with me then? Why you ain't spendin' the night at his house?"

  "Are you serious, right now Vance?" She turned to him.

  "Damn right I'm serious."

  "I can't believe you're even making a big deal out of this." She shook her head. "And since when do you care about my relationship? This is all about sex to you anyway."

  "Yeah, you're right. It is."

  She blinked, shocked.

  The air fell silent.

  "It is..." She swallowed hard.

  "Yeah."

  "So, if this is all about sex to you, then you shouldn't give a fuck about what goes on in my relationship. All you should worry about is getting your nut, since that's all you care about."

  She got up from the bed and began packing her clothes. Vance scoffed, shaking his head. She really was something else.

  "
Where you going?"

  "Over my man's house."

  His anger heightened. "Then leave. Go! Let him keep thinkin' he got him a keeper, you sure got his ass fooled. Guess some things never change, huh."

  She spun around. "And what is that supposed to mean?"

  "That once a hoe, always a hoe."

  Her eyes glinted with hurt. He had hit below the belt, but he didn't allow himself to feel bad for it. His pride wouldn't let him.

  "Fuck you." She gathered her things and left the room.

  He followed her as she headed to the door.

  "This fool must really have some type of hold on you, huh?"

  She quickened her pace, ignoring him. He rushed to her and grabbed her arm.

  "Get the fuck off me!" She yanked her arm from his grip.

  "What is he doing? Giving you money, buying you shit, spoiling you? That's all it takes for you to fall in love, huh."

  "You don't know shit." She glared at him.

  "Why you love him, then?"

  She turned away and he grabbed her arm. She tried to leave and he roughly pulled her toward him.

  "I said, get the fuck off me Vance!" She pushed his chest.

  "Nah, answer my question!"

  "You wanna know why I love him? Because he actually cares about me and treats me with respect. He doesn't throw the past up in my face every fucking two seconds, or make me feel bad for the things I've done. He's a real man, not some foolish little boy who thinks he's god's gift to mankind and can't see past his own fucking ego. That's why I love him."

  Her words cut him like a blade piercing flesh. He tightened his jaw, anger seething his insides as their eyes shot daggers at one another in the midst of the silence.

  "Now, move the fuck out my way." She yanked her arm away and stormed passed him.

  His nostrils flaring, he shook his head furiously. "I knew I should've never messed with you. You ain't nothing but a fuckin' junkie, you always been. Talkin' about you changed. Nah, you still the same dumb, alcoholic bitch that got Trish killed."

  She spun around and stormed to him. "You know what, Vance? Fuck you! I'm sick of you throwing that back in my face! When are you gonna let the past go? Face it, Trish is dead! Okay, she's gone!"

  His heart twisted with every word she spewed and rage fumed through his blood.