Ashes

by Taisha S. Ryan

  "And the sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be-"

  He yanked her shirt and brought her face inches away from his.

  "Shut the fuck up." He uttered with clenched teeth, urging to strangle her for talking about Trish that way.

  "It's the truth! It's been 5 years, you need to let it go."

  He scowled, releasing her. "Let it go? You killed my sister and you expect me to let it go?"

  "I didn't kill her! It was an accident."

  "Same thing! Either way, she's dead 'cause of you."

  "So, what do you expect me to do? Huh? Are you just gonna hate me for the rest of your life?"

  "Yeah, I am."

  Her mouth clamped shut. At this point, he didn't care how cold he was. He wanted to inflict her with the same pain she had caused him these past 5 years.

  "Well, I'm sorry Vance. Hating me is not gonna bring her back. At some point, you're gonna need to move on."

  "Move on?"

  "Yes, move on."

  "Have you?"

  She paused.

  "No...but at least I'm trying to," she whispered.

  "Well, it ain't that easy for me. You're not the one that lost a sister. I have."

  "And I lost my best friend! Do you know how hard it is to live the rest of your life with the guilt knowing that you're the reason someone you love is gone? There hasn't been a day that I don't think about her, wishing I was the one that was dead instead of her..." She lowered her head, crying. "The pain never goes away...and I'm the one who has to live with that..."

  His heart softened at the sight of her tears, and he felt the deep urge to comfort her. But something in him wouldn't allow him to. He reminded himself that it was her fault. She deserved to feel every bit of pain she was in. He tightened his fists, fighting his own emotions from breaking him down.

  "Vance, you may never forgive me. No matter how much I try to show you how sorry I am, deep down you'll always resent me for what I did. And you know what? I don't blame you. I dont. Because if I were you, I'd probably feel the same away." She wiped her eyes, with a deep breath. "But at the same time, I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life trying to make you forgive me either. It's time I work on forgiving myself. So, uh..." She adjusted the bag on her shoulder. "This is the last time we'll be seeing each other."

  He froze.

  "I've realized that you've in a way, become another form of my addiction and it's not healthy. I don't wanna be the person I once was. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past and I've hurt a lot of people. And most of all, myself. And I don't wanna do that anymore. I wanna be a better person. I have a good man that loves me and he doesn't deserve this. So, from now on, we'll keep things strictly professional between us."

  A cold feeling of shock struck him. Strictly professional? What did she mean by that?

  "Goodbye Vance."

  Her final words unsettled him. Before he could muster up the courage to stop her, she walked out and shut the door, shattering his heart to pieces.

  Chapter 35

  Vance took a drag of his cigarette as he lounged on the couch, the dancing flames in the furnace drifting him in a hazy trance. It was 2 in the morning and he should've been sleeping. But here he was, sitting in the dark, with the thoughts of Zara battering his mind.

  It had been 2 weeks since they ended things, and as much he didn't want to admit it, he missed her. And it was beyond the sex, he missed her company. He missed being around her. Talking to her. Holding her. Zara had a realness about her that was a breath of fresh air. From her brash ways, her fiery personality, her unique style. She didn't hide who she was. She wore her past on her skin like her tattoos, not hiding behind a facade no matter what people thought about her. And he admired that.

  He wished he could talk to her. Since their last argument, they hadn't spoken to each other unless it was work related. And even then, their conversations were stilted like two strangers meeting for the first time. And he hated it. Ever so often, he would stare at his phone, urging to call her. He just didn't know what to say. What could he say? That he missed her? Wanted to hear her voice? That he was sorry? There was no way he could do that. His pride wouldn't let him. She probably wasn't thinking about his ass anyhow. While he was up at 2 in the damn morning, burning his brain over her, she was probably laid up under her sucker ass boyfriend right about now. He scoffed at the thought.

  He was so fucking foolish.

  With a sigh, Vance buried his head in his hands. What was he doing? Why couldn't get her out of his mind?

  The harsh revelation struck him deep, and he finally came to grips with the harsh reality he had been trying so hard to avoid.

  He had fallen for Zara.

  It pained him to admit it, but he was.

  How did he even allow himself to get to this point? How did he go from hating her to wanting her? From wishing she would rot in hell to wanting to be with her every second?

  This was crazy.

  What was he going to do now? He had gotten caught up like some sucker and he didn't know how to get himself out of it.

  A shadowy figure appeared at the corner of his eye, and he turned his head to see Laurie standing at the threshold. He pressed his cigarette in the ashtray to put it out.

  "It's fine, you don't have to put it out."

  "Nah, it's cool," he said lowly. Now that she was pregnant, he preferred not to smoke around her period.

  "How come you're sitting here in the dark?" she asked, entering the living room.

  "Couldn't sleep."

  "Why not?"

  "Just got a lot on my mind," He let out a deep sigh, rubbing his waves. He turned to her as she sat next to him on the couch. "Why're you up?

  "Started having stomach pains."

  "You okay?" he asked, concerned.

  "Yeah, I'm fine. I think it's just the baby moving," she said with small smile, rubbing her stomach.

  His insides treaded with unease. Although he tried to warm up to the idea of being a father, each time he stared at the noticeable bulge in her stomach, he grew more anxious. Now 6 months pregnant, her bodily changes were even more noticeable. Her face was fuller, her once slender physique was now a thicker frame. Each passing day, brought him closer to the pathway of fatherhood, and he didn't know how to deal with it.

  "When I woke up, I didn't see you and I started getting worried. I thought you left or something," she admitted.

  "Nah, I wouldn't do that."

  Lately he had been spending his nights at Laurie's place. Being at home by his lonesome, left him with nothing but the despairing presence of loneliness and it began to get too much for him.

  "Is everything okay?" she asked softly.

  "Yeah, I'm straight."

  Laurie stared at him for a while, before letting out a sigh. "Vance, what happened to us?"

  He turned to her, meeting her saddened eyes. "I mean we used to tell each other everything, now I just feel like lately, we've drifted apart."

  Vance averted his gaze to the floor.

  "I just miss how things used to be, you know?"

  "Yeah, me too," he whispered.

  She snuggled closer to him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, softly rubbing her arm as she rested her head on his chest. "I just get scared sometimes..."

  "Why?" He looked at her.

  "Because, sometimes I feel like you don't love me anymore."

  He frowned. "That's not true. Why would you think something like that?"

  "It's just a feeling I get," she said lowly. "I'm not gonna lie, some nights I have dreams of you just running off with another woman one day."

  His body tensed, and he stared ahead without a word.

  "I think that's why I fight so hard for us to be together, because I don't wanna lose you."

  His heart ached with guilt and he shut his eyes with a sigh.

  "Don't worry, you're not gonna lose me. I'll always be right here, I promise you that." He kissed her forehead, holding her tighter in his emb
race.

  Chapter 36

  How she managed to not gulp a whole bottle of alcohol and get herself completely drunk to cope with the craziness that was about to take place, Zara had to give herself credit. Her rehab counselor, even her P.O. would be proud of her progress.

  It was the night of New Year’s Eve and Reyna and Rodney had thrown a party with 50 close friends and acquaintances to celebrate the New Year. Music blared through the house as everyone socialized, ate and danced. Colorful decorations adorned the home, as trays of cooked foods and refreshments filled the kitchen counter top. All day, Zara had helped Reyna prepare for the party. They had spent the whole day cleaning the house, cooking, and also managed to fit time to prep themselves and make sure they too looked good for the occasion as well.

  Zara’s black bodycon jumpsuit shaped her slender frame with her 6 inch gold stilettos enriching her sultry outfit. As good as she looked, inside she felt the total opposite. Tonight, Sean was coming over to celebrate. And as ecstatic as she should've been, she wasn't. The one bastard who had the power to have her weak in the knees, yet hot with fury at the same damn time, was also showing up.

  Vance.

  Just the thought of him made her grimace. How was she going to deal with her boyfriend being under the same roof as the same man she had been fucking for months? This was going to be a disaster. She almost didn't even invite Sean for this very same reason. But she knew it would look bad if she didn't. They had spent each holiday over the course of their 4 months together, the least she could've done was celebrate the New Year with him. She just didn't know how she was going to do that with Vance around.

  They still weren't on good terms. After the way he insulted her that night at his house, she couldn't stand to be in his presence. She was still angry, and most of all, hurt by what he said. In a way, she was glad they weren't on good terms. It would give her the excuse to keep her distance from him. The more she held unto the anger, the easier it would be to keep her yearning hands off of him.

  "Damn, can I get a smile at least?"

  Zara looked up from her phone to see Travis, one of Rodney's close friends, standing before her with a smile. She rolled her eyes. She intentionally stood at the corner to be away from everyone. She was definitely in no mood to talk to Travis, out of all people. He always got on her nerves.

  She remembered him from high school. Loud, arrogant, and always trying to fuck. Even as promiscuous as she had been in her younger days, she still wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole. Which was probably why he always teased her about her fast ways in the past. Now, years later, she could still see he was as lame as he was back then. Which was sad.

  "Can you back up out of my space and leave me alone?" she shot back.

  He looked offended for a moment, but smiled anyway.

  "Why you bein' so rude? It's New Year’s Eve, cheer up baby."

  Zara ignored him, idly surfing the contents in her phone. He wasn't even worth the attention.

  "Damn, so you just gonna ignore me?"

  "Yeah, I am."

  "Wow. So, I see you actin' all brand new. If this was years ago, you would'a been let me hit it."

  She nearly snapped on him, but quickly bit her tongue. She wasn't going to show out for him.

  "Travis, if this was years ago, I still wouldn't let you hit shit." She scoffed, glaring at him with disgust. "You're still the lame ass nigga you was from high school. Only now it's more pathetic 'cause you're now what, 30? I didn't want you then, and I damn sure don't want you now. So again, for the millionth time, back the fuck up out of my face and leave me alone. Okay? Thanks." She flashed him a fake smile, before rolling her eyes and storming away.

  "Whoa whoa whoa." Rodney wrapped his arm around her shoulder, stopping her. "Where you going lookin' all mad at the world?"

  "Nothin', you need to check ya boy."

  "Who?"

  "Travis's lame ass." She hitched her thumb at Travis who shot her daggers across the room. Rodney looked over his shoulder then turned to her with a frown.

  "Why? What he do?"

  She smiled at his reaction. For as long as she could remember, Rodney had always been that overprotective brother she never had. Despite everyone's opinions of her, he always treated her like family and she loved him for it.

  "Nothin', just being annoying."

  "That's Travis for you. Don't pay him no mind." He took a sip of his drink. She didn't even have to look in his cup to know there was alcohol in it. She could smell it on him. And being the person she was, her senses were hypersensitive to every scent of alcohol around, which made this party so damn unbearable to be in because alcohol seemed to be everywhere.

  "Rodney, can you put that away? You're tempting me," she told him, honestly.

  "Huh?" He glanced at her then at his cup. Realizing what she meant, he nodded and placed the cup down on the table. "Sorry about that baby girl."

  "Thanks."

  "It's no problem. So where's lover boy?"

  She paused, unsure of which "lover boy" he was referring to.

  "Who? Sean?" she asked, just to be on the safe side.

  "Yeah, I thought you said he was coming."

  "He is. He should be here anytime now."

  "Oh okay, good. Maybe then you could stop looking like your puppy just died."

  She smiled. "Shut up."

  After a while, she and Rodney parted ways as he tended to his other guests. Zara thought to make her way to the kitchen where Reyna was, but refrained when she noticed she was with her group of friends. She never felt completely comfortable around them, no matter how much she tried to be. And at this point, she wasn't going to fake the funk just for the sake of being sociable.

  The familiar feeling of loneliness unsettled her once again. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits. Only if she could feel the same. With a sigh, Zara checked her phone, hoping to see a text from Sean. Only he would be able to lift her mood right now.

  A pair of arms slid around her waist, and she spun around only to realize it was Sean. She gasped at the sight of him, and jumped in his arms with glee, happy to see him this very moment.

  "Hey, beautiful," he greeted.

  "I'm so happy you're here," she embraced him, basking in the warmth of his arms. "What took you so long?"

  "Got caught in traffic."

  "Ugh, I missed you so much." They shared a sweet kiss.

  He chuckled. "I missed you too."

  He then took a step back, scoping her frame in adoration. "And wow, you look...amazing tonight."

  She smiled. "Thank you."

  "You are too beautiful for your own good. You know that?"

  She blushed as he gassed her head with compliments.

  "C'mere." He grasped her hand and pulled her closer. "Can't get enough of you..." They shared another kiss.

  "Awww!"

  They pulled away and turned to Reyna who watched them with a smile.

  "I see ya'll two love birds wasted no time."

  Sean chuckled, bringing Reyna in a hug. "How you doin' Reyna?"

  "I'm fine as always. How about yourself?"

  "I'm doing well." He nodded, as they pulled away.

  "Yeah, I bet you are. My sis givin' you some of that ‘good good’ huh?"

  "Reyna!" Zara gasped.

  "What? That's a good thing. Shit, it runs in the family-"

  "Rey!" Zara shot her a glare, ready to smack her.

  "Alright, alright. I'm just playing damn."

  Sean laughed, as Zara shook her head at her sister's antics.

  "Anyway, welcome. We have a whole bunch of food and drinks here, so don't be shy take as much as you want. And boy, take off this jacket. You making me hot just looking at you." She tugged at the collar of his trench coat.

  "Yeah, you're right. It is pretty hot in here actually." He took off his jacket and scarf. Zara scoped his attire, admiring how dapper he looked tonight in his black button up top and burgundy Ralph Lauren cashmere sweater, with his black dress pants a
nd leather shoes. A proud smile lifted her lips. Damn her baby look good.

  "Give it to me, I got it." Reyna offered to take his coat.

  "Oh no, it's alright. I'll put it away."

  "Boy just give me the damn jacket."

  He handed it to her, thanking her with a smile. When she walked away, he shook his head, grinning.

  "Your sister's something else."

  Zara rolled her eyes. "Tell me about it."

  For the rest of the night, Reyna's and Rodney's close friends socialized in the kitchen, drinking and sharing a few laughs. The whole time, Zara stood by Sean's side, sipping on her fruit punch, also joining in on the fun. She was so glad Sean came. She felt much more at ease now with him being here. She didn't feel as left out. And just seeing how easy Sean was able to gel with everyone, also made the vibe more enjoyable. That was one thing she liked about Sean. He was a people person.

  As everyone engaged in conversation, Zara's mind drifted off to Vance again. Just the thought of him, sent nervous flutters in the pit of her stomach. He had been on her mind all night. Ever so often, she wondered when he would show up. Or if he was even showing up at all. She hoped to god, he wasn't. She then cursed herself for even thinking about Vance at all.

  "I'm telling you, every woman deep down has the fantasy of having sex with two men at the same time," Travis spoke up.

  Zara rolled her eyes, wondering what other foolishness was going to come out of Travis's mouth. He had been yapping nonsense all night.

  "Travis, what the hell are you talking about?" Reyna spoke up.

  "Ah, c'mon. Ya'll know I'm telling the truth. Don't lie."

  "Nigga, how the hell you even come up with that conclusion?" Reyna's friend, Toya said.

  "Because, women tell me these things."

  "Well, I don't know what kind of bitches you be talkin' to, because I ain't never had no fantasy of gettin' it on with two men at the same time. That's some hoe shit," Toya defended.

  "See, that's the problem with ya'll women. Ya'll are the first ones to say ya'll wouldn't do this or that, 'cause ya'll don't wanna look like a hoe. But you know deep down, if some niggas like Denzel or Tyrese approached you, ya'll would be down for it. Don't lie."