Before We Say Goodbye

by JN Welsh

  A sob formed in her chest. "I've never stopped loving you, Nigel. I promised I wouldn't and never have. We just—"

  "You love me because I'm the father of our kids but you're not in love with me, Olive."

  "That's not true.”

  "You don't look at me the same way or touch me. Christ, we hadn’t had sex in months and then that night when…when we just … That was okay with you?"

  She tilted her head to block the sun so that he didn't mistake how pissed she was. "I'm sorry, Nigel. I was raising our children."

  "See, there you go again. Every time I talk to you about us, you make it about the kids. I love them and I’m raising them with you, as best I can but this is about you and me, Olive. Whenever I wanted to take you out, get away for a bit, talk or even make love, you diverted to the kids. Without us there would be no children. We needed to reunite when I came back from my work trips but you just grew more distant. The more involved you got with the kids, the more you pushed me away.”

  "I didn't push you away!" She shook with the release of thoughts and feelings she'd kept contained, but that pressure cooker lid popped off. "I was tired Nigel! Exhausted. Every time you travelled for work you abandoned me with three kids. I overdosed on pictures, videos, and documenting so many things for you, so you wouldn't feel left out. I tried to make it feel like you were there, even when you weren't. I didn't want them to long for you the way..." she choked. "The way I did."

  "Olive—"

  "I wanted to make love. I wanted to go away with you two years ago to New Mexico. When I finally said yes to going and we tried to plan that trip, you chose work. I had three kids growing like wildfire. My head was spinning." She paced and the words continued to tumble out. "When they got sick, scuffed a knee, sprained something or I thought I'd lost someone in the supermarket or at the park, it was just me. You weren't there. You chose to leave us."

  "Leave you? I was working, Olive."

  "I know how much you love your job. Sustainability engineering and education is your passion. I’d never asked you to stop."

  "We used to be less practical adventurers who traveled the world. If you came out to where I was every once in a while, it may have even been a good experience for the kids."

  "Oh my God. Are you really blaming me for this?" Olive started to make her way down the boulders.

  "No, I'm trying to talk to you!" He caught her just before she slipped through the rocks. "For fuck's sake, be careful."

  She regained her footing and pulled out of his grip. "You are. You're pinning everything from our lack of sex life to the end of our marriage on me." She stepped over the rocks, which was no easy feat in flip-flops. She was a skilled hiker and, despite having three kids, was still athletic enough to climb, angle, and crawl over the rocks. "I was trying to do the right thing."

  "So was I. I was providing for our family." He followed her careful steps. “You said we grew in two different directions. I take responsibility for my part in that. Can you?”

  Her knees went weak, forcing her to sit on a rock and the sob in her chest burst out of her into the forceful wind. "You don't have any idea how much I missed you, Nigel. I missed dreaming with you, seeing you with the kids, hearing you make noises in the kitchen for your midnight snack, and longed for you beside me in our bed."

  "Olive." He laid his hand on her shoulder.

  "Don't." She shrugged him off. "You wanted me to talk. Now, hear me."

  He parked his rear on a boulder opposite her. The wind trapped them in a swirling tornado. "I'm listening."

  "I had no idea what happened when you traveled or who you were with. You were gone so often and I tried to shut those images and thoughts away."

  "What are you saying, Olive?"

  "I tried not to care and pushed it aside, but you were so different. Your smile, your touch. It was like you didn't see me anymore and when we made love, I could feel you leaving me. I've never wanted to believe that there was someone else." She rubbed her hands up her arms and over her shoulders and around her head until she was wiping her face.

  "You think I was with someone else?"

  "My heart says no and I want to believe it, but with the way everything happened, I don't know. Were you?"

  "No." Nigel scoffed. "Trust me when I tell you that there were opportunities, temptation, but you know me, Olive." He steadied her nervous movement. "I can appreciate someone who wants me, but how could I ever be with another woman when all I thought about was you. Wanted you."

  Olive stared into Nigel's hazel eyes. When he lied, his right eye would squint and betray him. But there was no sign of doubt or shame. There in the gold and blue silver irises was the truth.

  Olive's heart thudded in her chest. "You didn't."

  "Is this what you've thought all this time? Was this keeping you from me?" A storm formed on Nigel's face, darkening against the sunlight playing through his blond hair and scruffy beard. "That night when we...when we just fucked wouldn't have happened if I was with someone else. Couldn't you feel how much I needed you? I felt the rawness in you, too."

  She studied her feet before speaking. “I thought I did, but we just kept drifting.”

  "I'd come back and crave for things to go back to normal but when I saw your routine with the kids...there wasn't space for me. When you shut me out as your husband, work became my culture, my mistress, and what I filled the empty space with and—"

  "I filled the empty space of you with the kids."

  Anger creased the corners of his eyes and his mouth formed a tight line. "Did you, Olive?"

  She cocked her head. "Did I what?"

  "Were you with someone when I was away?"

  "With three kids?" She almost laughed as she ran the back of her hand under her chin to dry the tears.

  Nigel's hard expression was like a cold room with no windows or light.

  "You're serious?" She shook her head in disbelief then remembered that she'd also suspected him of indiscretions while away. "No Nigel. I waited for you. As harsh as our last time together was, I still wanted...You ‘re still my husband."

  His face and body relaxed as if he were let out of a vice. "The thought of you with someone else..." He massaged his eyes as if to obliterate the image of her in whatever compromising position he'd conjured up in his head.

  She reached for his hand. Nigel intertwined his with hers and stared at their fingers for a long while.

  Olive wanted to tell him she was sorry, that she should have tried harder and that she still wanted to be his wife and to have their family together. But she didn’t know if that was still possible. They’d already travelled so far down the road toward the end. Could they come back?

  "I'm so sorry, Nigel."

  "I'm sorry, too." The grief in his statement broke her heart into tiny pieces.

  Nigel sighed so heavy she heard it above the robust wind. "I know why we're taking this trip and that this might be the end for us. But, if there is any chance that we can change the outcome, I'm willing to try. Do you want to?"

  She hugged his middle and his arms squeezed her so tight. "I want..." The words hitched in her throat.

  "Tell me, cookie. What do you want?"

  "I want to do what's best for our family. While we're here we…" she tried to find the words. "We can try. I'll stay open the rest of the trip."

  He pulled away from her. "Then we'll try." Energy vibrated in his hands and she didn't know if he was happy or scared.

  "If at the end we don't see our future together then..." she barely got the words out. “ ...we’ll have Jim draw up the papers."

  "No barriers? We'll give it everything we've got left?" he asked.

  "I'm not saying it will be easy, but yeah. No barriers."

  * * *

  They stopped at a few more vistas including a meditative stone bench where they visually gobbled up the ocean. They greeted golfers and residents and gawked at the lavish homes. Their friends picked them up before the trail went inland and they all
drove up the winding road until the The Lone Cypress came into view. The almost Bonsai manicured tree was still a breath-taking sight. Painted perfectly against the cerulean sky and deep blue ocean waters, the cypress gave the illusion of growing out of the massive granite islet. The list said they had to make a wish at the tree site. With their friends watching and capturing the moment, she and Nigel held hands and made their silent wishes.

  They stayed at Pebble Beach a little longer, mostly due to Nigel spending half hour gazing amorously at the elephant seal perch. The seals were there by the hundreds and that was only the side visible to the coast. The pungent fragrance, however, pinched Olive's nose and there was no getting away from it.

  "Dafuk?" Riley held his hand over his mouth and nose.

  "It smells like rotting meat, fish and defecation rolled up in an egg roll," Flor gagged. No doubt, Flor's hangover played a role in her description.

  "Why the egg roll though?" Riley responded.

  "Word." Olive agreed between fits of laughter and gasping for air because she, too, was overcome by the stench.

  "It is pretty bad." Nigel didn't stay as long due to everyone getting nauseous from the smell.

  The friends chose a little shopping over any other activity given Flor and Riley's constant time checks. Olive regarded the families with their children and missed hers immensely.

  Nigel squeezed her hand. "Let's call the kids before we drive to our next destination."

  She smiled and they called Grandma Cutie and Grandy's house. There was no answer at the house, which was unusual. Olive called Grandma Cutie’s cellphone, and then Grandy’s when no one picked up. She even called her children’s cellphones. Nothing.

  Her stomach felt uneasy. “I can’t reach anyone,” Olive complained to Nigel.

  Nigel shrugged. “I’m sure they’re in the pool or something—”

  A call from Nigel’s father vibrated her phone “Hi Pops. We’ve been trying to—“

  Olive stopped short when Grandy interrupted her. “Luna’s been hurt.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Nigel was torn as he watched his wife pace around the car. His father was on speakerphone.

  “She slipped getting out of the pool and hurt her wrist. We took her to the hospital to get her checked out and she has a bad sprain but nothing’s broken. That’s probably why you couldn’t reach us. The service was pretty bad in Radiology where we waited.”

  “We have to go back,” Olive said to Nigel.

  “She’s all right, dear. Here let me put her on,” Nigel’s father said.

  Between the sniffles on both sides, and Olive hugging the phone, Nigel could barely understand his daughter. The exchange shredded his heart.

  “I’m all right, Mommy,” Luna whimpered.

  “You’re such a strong girl, lady bug. I love you,” Nigel said and Luna sniffled some more.

  Grandma Cutie came on the line. “She’s quite all right, Olive. The doctor said she will be back to normal in a few days.”

  “Okay,” Olive nodded.

  His parents shared more information, and then Nigel and Olive quickly spoke to Taye and Amani before they hung up.

  Flor hugged Olive. “She’s fine.”

  “She wouldn’t be a kid if she didn’t get hurt once in a while,” Riley offered. “I'm glad she’s okay.”

  Olive continued to pace when Flor released her and Nigel felt the situation pulling his wife away. They were making progress and agreed to give this trip a chance but their children were priority. If Luna was hurt, then Olive would want to be by her side like she’d always done in the past. Their trip didn’t stand a chance.

  “What do you want to do, Olive?” His shoulders slumped in defeat.

  Tears rimmed her eyes and worry creased her face. “Nigel, I…she’s hurt and…the list…”

  He could only image the torture this was for her but he couldn’t choose for her, not on this. He’d understand if she decided they should go home but Luna was in the care of his parents, and she appeared to be okay and only nursing a sprain. “Don’t think about the agreement. Just...” he sighed and held her hands in his. “It’s okay, cookie. Tell me what you want to do.”

  Olive fiddled with her hand and then stroked her long locks as if they were Luna.

  “She’s okay, right?” she asked Nigel. “I mean, what do you want to do?”

  He loved his daughter and she was in good hands with his parents but he and Olive needed this. “I think we should continue the trip. My folks will take care of her and so will Taye and Amani. Your sister will be meeting them at the house as well,” Nigel reassured.

  “I hate to rush you but if we’re going to do this we have to get going,” Flor interrupted.

  “I don’t know.” Olive swallowed.

  “How about we get going and when we get to the next location you can decide.

  Olive seemed to accept that solution. All he could do was hold his breath and hope that she chose to stay.

  "Where are we going?" Olive asked.

  "Sacramento," Riley responded. "Next on the list is to drive by your first apartment."

  The pale yellow house was the same and Nigel wondered if Mr. and Mrs. Livingston were still there. They were a sweet couple that had created a cozy, garden apartment on the first floor of their house.

  "Wow. They finally changed the water heater and the color of the garage door. Other than that, very little has changed." Olive ran her hand along the black stairway rail. "They kept it up so well."

  "Do you think the Livingston's still live here?" Nigel asked.

  "Ring the bell and find out." Flor smiled.

  Nigel rang the bell with Olive just behind him. She took his hand and the connection exhilarated him.

  Pete Livingston opened the door. He was fifteen years older, but still in good shape.

  "Hi there, Mr. Livingston. I'm Nigel Goodwin and this is my wife Olive. I'm sorry to show up unannounced. I don't know if you remember us but—"

  "Ollie!" Mr. Livingston cheered when he saw Olive and opened his arms.

  "Hi, Mr. Livingston. It's so good to see you." Olive hugged the man.

  "Emma," Pete called his wife. "Guess who's come back? Emma!"

  "Well, what is it Petey-Pie." Emma shuffled to the entrance and when she saw him she reached her hand out for him. "Your name is on the tip of my tongue."

  "Nigel."

  "Yes, Nigel, you lovely boy. You're a sight for sore eyes. Oh and Ollie." Emma hugged him and then wrapped her arms around Olive.

  "Come in, come in." Mr. Livingston cleared their path. "Are these your friends?"

  "Yes, sir," Nigel said. "Our friends, Flor and Riley."

  "Can I get you all something to drink?" Emma asked.

  "Do we have time?" Nigel asked Flor.

  Flor checked the time on her phone. "Yeah, a bit."

  "Boy, you were out best tenants. What, with you helping us with little fixes and Olive sharing her treats when she gave us her computer tutorials, how could we forget you?" Pete handed each of them a glass. "And the knot is still tied. How many years is that now?"

  "Our fifteenth anniversary was in May." Olive beamed and pride jolted through Nigel.

  "You got another twenty or so to catch up to us," Emma chimed. "Still happy?"

  The question caught Nigel off guard.

  "We're trying," Olive explained. "We have three children."

  "Three! Well congratulations. Raising kids, and life, takes its toll." Emma eyed them with hidden wisdom. "The key is to always be the last person the other talks to at night and get away without the kids every once in a while. Oh, and keep things lively in the bedroom."

  "Emma." Pete’s cheeks crimsoned .

  "It's the truth, honey." Emma patted her husband's hand.

  "Great advice," Nigel agreed. He thought it was hilarious that Pete would be the one to blush. He was always a kind man and Emma was the firecracker in their relationship.

  "You two were so in love. You inspired me an
d the old man," Emma continued. "We thought you had the stuff to make it all the way to the ''til death do us part' years of marriage."

  Olive was silent but she squeezed his hand and though he wasn't one hundred percent clear on the meaning, he got the message.

  "So are you guys moving back to the area?" Pete asked.

  "No we're just on a short trip with our friends," Nigel explained.

  "You two married?" Pete asked Flor and Riley.

  Flor and Riley both balked too awkwardly for Nigel not to notice. Olive, too, eyed the friends.

  "We're just friends," Flor confirmed.

  "Is it possible for Olive and I to take a peek at our old apartment?"

  "It's being rented but if the current tenants don't mind, then sure. They’re at work but let me check with them." The current tenants were hesitant to let them into their home but Pete explained the significance to his tenants, and assured them he’d be present.

  Nigel crept through the place and he felt a sense of estranged familiarity.

  "This was our first home together." Olive said, nostalgia present in her hands as they glided over the wall. She peered into the garden that no longer housed her zinnias, daffodils, and sunflowers.

  "The BBQs here were lit. This was the spot." Flor strolled through the apartment with the crossed arms of a stranger in another stranger's apartment.

  Riley followed close behind. "Visiting you guys was a blast. Your love and how you guys rallied through life together was straight up inspiring. We all wanted that, too."

  Nigel knew his and Olive's love was powerful, but he didn't realize its impact on those around them, until now. He scanned the apartment. This wasn't his home anymore. Neither were the corporate apartments in Fresno. Olive was his home.

  "It was you and me, cookie." Nigel moved close to her. "Then it was you, me, and Amani."

  A year and a half after they married, Olive was pregnant with their first child. When Olive had told him, he was going to be a father, he had cried like a toddler. His hunter-gatherer reflex kicked in and he had worked his ass off to provide for his wife and daughter. The funny part was that Olive had made more than him, but she'd never emasculated him. He'd always been her hero. Her champion.