The Year of Living Shamelessly

by Susanna Carr

  “You’re assuming I’m submissive,” Katie was quick to point out. “I’ll have you know that I can be very aggressive in bed.”

  He took a deep breath but the tension seemed to build inside him. “And a bad dominant will try to break your spirit.”

  “So I need to find a dominant who has amazing self-control.” She reached out and flattened her hand on his chest. He flinched but stood still. “Someone who has my best interest at heart. Someone who will protect me and have firm boundaries.”

  He looked at her hand as she claimed him as her dominant. “No way, Katie.”

  “Come on, Ryder.” She hooked her fingers into his shirt. You know you want me.”

  He removed her hand from his chest. “I said no.”

  “Look, I’ll even compromise. You don’t have to initiate me”—she ignored his groan—“at a club. We can do it in the privacy of my own home.”

  “I can’t believe you are offering me sex,” Ryder said slowly, as if he were in a daze. “Are you insane? We’ve been dancing around this issue for far too long. It’s never going to happen. Not now, not ever, and especially not in your parents’ house.”

  Katie rolled her eyes. “Wow, Ryder, I had no idea you were that conservative.”

  “I don’t know why we’re discussing it.”

  And yet he made no move to walk away.

  He held his hands up and shook his head. “You would make a horrible submissive.”

  She wasn’t going to argue that. “I never said I was submissive.”

  “Then we would never work,” he decided as triumph glittered in his dark eyes. “A dominant doesn’t take a dominant.”

  Terrific. Katie inwardly winced as she recognized her mistake. She had walked right into that one. “Then again, I could be submissive with the right encouragement.”

  He crossed his arms and braced his legs. “You wouldn’t do what you were told.”

  “Isn’t that the whole point?” she asked sweetly. “So you could punish me when I’m bad?”

  “If I punished you, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.”

  Katie purred and stretched, rolling her spine and shoulders. “That’s big talk coming from someone who swears he’s only trying to protect me.”

  Ryder thrust his hands into his hair. “You drive me crazy.”

  “Good to know.” And it was good to hear she had some power over him. “So, are you going to tutor me in bondage or not?”

  “No,” he said sharply. “Why would I do that when I’ve managed to keep my hands off you all this time?”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  He cringed, his heartbeat stuttering to a stop as his words replayed in his head. I’ve managed to keep my hands off you all this time. Now Katie knew how much power she had—had always had—over him. Why didn’t he just save himself some time and hand all the control over to Katie?

  “Really?” Katie drew the word out. “All this time?”

  He sliced a hand in the air as if he could erase the past few moments. If only. “That’s not what I meant,” he said, not sure how he was going to recover from this mistake.

  The victory dancing in Katie’s wide eyes clearly indicated that she didn’t believe him. He could tell that she wanted every hot, delicious detail. But he wasn’t going to give in. He needed to convince her that nothing would ever have happened in the past, and nothing ever would in the future.

  “How long have you wanted me?” she asked carefully.

  Ryder didn’t trust himself to say anything. He was already feeling shattered. But Katie’s question poked at him. He couldn’t remember when he first desired her. Maybe it was the time years ago when he had seen her come out of the bathroom after a shower. He had been in the upstairs hallway in their house, waiting for Jake, when Katie walked past him wearing only a towel and a flirty smile. His desire for her had come hard and fast, and Ryder had immediately pushed the idea out of his head, but it came back every once in a while. He didn’t like the feelings, didn’t like himself for desiring her, but he’d thought he could control it.

  Instead of his desire dying out quickly, it had bloomed into something stronger. Soon his need for Katie was something that he was always aware of. At first it colored his day, and he was careful not to be left alone with Katie. Then it began to influence his life, when he realized he was making decisions on where he lived based on Katie. He tried to hold himself in check, but he was always afraid that one day it would rage out of his control.

  And then this year, it had become clear that he had to entirely remove himself from temptation. She’d transformed into a sensual, confident woman, and if she chose to go after him, he knew he couldn’t fight it. Not anymore.

  “Huh. That long?” she asked softly when his silence dragged.

  He still didn’t answer.

  “And you never went after me?”

  He looked straight in her eyes. He needed to regain control of this situation before Katie took advantage. Before she realized that his self-control was not as strong as he’d led her to believe. “I have my reasons.” Ryder hoped his low and steady voice hid the chaos that was swirling inside him.

  She nodded her head with mock solemnity. “And I’m sure they are very honorable. I’m too sheltered,” she said, ticking off the list on her fingers. “I’m too innocent, I’m Jake’s sister, blah, blah, blah. . . .”

  Ryder narrowed his eyes, not appreciating her lighthearted take on his concerns. “None of that has changed.”

  She pressed her lips together for a moment to hold back her irritation. “One major thing has changed. You’re leaving. But we shouldn’t see this as a problem. This offers us an opportunity.”

  She hadn’t said anything explicit, but Ryder’s stomach tightened into knots. “What are you talking about?”

  “Don’t you see?” She spread her arms wide open. “We can have a wild affair with no consequences.”

  A wild affair? Ryder didn’t trust himself to move as the words pierced his heart. He was a mess because of how he felt about Katie. He was ready to toss away everything he’d made of his life and start over again with nothing on the other side of the world because of her. She had the power to destroy him, and the power to turn him into the man he wanted to become. But all she wanted was an affair.

  Wow. He had never thought Katie would see him the same way other women did. But was it really any surprise that she was turning out to be just like every other woman in Crystal Bend? They all saw him as a sexual adventure. He’d hoped Katie saw something more, especially since she knew him better than anyone else. If Katie didn’t want a relationship with him, then his worst fear about himself must be true. He was the guy you screwed, but not someone you could love.

  “You are more naïve than I realized,” Ryder said with a humorless laugh, refusing to show how much her offer hurt. “There are always consequences.”

  Katie scowled. “Think about it. You and I are alone and we can do anything we want to each other. Anything.”

  Anything. Interest flared deep inside him, cutting through the pain. She wanted to do anything with him. Well, anything except love him or promise him forever.

  “We live out every fantasy we’ve ever had about each other,” she continued, apparently taking his silence as a good sign. “Keep at it for the next five or six days until we’re satisfied.”

  Five or six days? His eyes widened. He could have her, exclusively, in his bed, for all that time. It wasn’t nearly enough, but it was more than he ever allowed himself to consider before.

  No. Ryder cleared his throat. After all these years of holding back, he wasn’t going to give in for the promise of six days. He had to be strong.

  “And then it’ll be over on New Year’s Day,” she said with a casual flourish of her hand. “We walk away with no regrets and no strings attached.”

  Walk away. She could walk away from him just like that? Why was he holding out, trying to be honorable? Why was he making a sacrifice when it obviously
didn’t mean anything to her?

  Ryder glared at Katie. “You want me to treat you like a no-name one-night stand?” His voice was low and roughened with anger. “What do you take me for?”

  She held her hands up in surrender. “Think about it, Ryder. There is no messy breakup, no awkwardness the next time we see each other. No one even has to find out about the two of us.”

  He crossed his arms. “Now I’m a shameful secret?” He should have known.

  “No! I didn’t say that! I can’t wait to take you to my bed,” she blurted out in naked honesty, “and I don’t care who knows it.”

  Ryder reared back, surprised by her frankness. It broke down his defenses easily. If something as simple as that statement made him want to forget all of his noble intentions, then he was in danger of giving up the fight in the next few minutes.

  He uncrossed his arms. “I gotta leave,” he muttered and walked toward the door.

  “Before you do something you regret?” she mocked.

  “Yes!” he said without a break in his stride. She knew the effect she had on him. He had to get out now.

  “Do you know what you’re going to regret the most?” she called out to him. “Not having an affair with me!”

  His hand was on the doorknob. He hesitated and his shoulders sagged. He knew he was going to have that regret. It would eat at him until he couldn’t think straight. “Katie.” Her name dragged out of his throat.

  “I will be the submissive of your dreams,” she said with absolute certainty. “I will do anything you say.”

  A tremor swept him. “Promise?”

  He was surrendering. He couldn’t fight it anymore. Katie was offering him his greatest fantasy, the one thing he wanted most. He was no prince, no good guy, and he sure as hell wasn’t a saint.

  He was no good for Katie, and accepting this offer was proof of that. But he couldn’t pass it up. Having Katie submit to him? That already made her the submissive of his dreams.

  Would Katie really do anything he said? The power, the promise of pure pleasure, flooded through his veins with such force, it made him dizzy.

  “Is that a yes?” she asked.

  Oh, yeah. Now she wasn’t sounding so sure of herself. She shouldn’t have given this level of power to him. To any man, but especially to him. He was weak when it came to Katie, and once he got a taste of her, he wouldn’t be able to control himself.

  It was time for her to find out what kind of deal she was suggesting. He wrestled back a portion of self-control. He would show her the consequences of her desires, let her know what it was like to really be submissive, and then let her escape unscathed. Then he would leave town. It wouldn’t be a wild affair. It would be a simple tuition in the art of bondage—he’d teach her just enough to be sure she wouldn’t do anything stupid once he was no longer around to keep an eye on her.

  He pivoted on his heel and his gaze collided with hers. “For a trial run,” he declared.

  Katie’s hopeful expression collapsed into disappointment, and for a moment she looked like the innocent schoolgirl he remembered from years ago. “No way. We don’t have time for that.”

  “I’m going to start you off with something easy,” Ryder promised as he strode back to the kitchen table.

  Katie watched him approach. She wasn’t as eager as he had expected. If anything, she was suspicious about his sudden and easy capitulation. She was smart, because he wasn’t going to let things go too far. Not today anyway. “What’s the catch?” she asked.

  “If you can’t handle it, then that’s it,” he said with a shrug. “We stop right then and there and we never mention it again.”

  “And it’s going to be something easy. Right. You don’t want me to understand this lifestyle, but you’re going to give me a gentle introduction? Sure, you are. How do I know you’re not setting me up for a fall?”

  “Trust is the most important element in the relationship between a submissive and a dominant. If you can’t trust me”—Ryder flinched from the unexpected jab of pain as he considered the possibility—“there is no reason to start.”

  Katie swallowed roughly, and he saw the struggle in her eyes. He wished her trust in him was absolute and automatic, but it was better that she thought this through. She had no idea how difficult it would be to have no control in the situation and give him her trust completely.

  Ryder waited patiently, watching her face intently. He wasn’t going to make the choice for her, and he wasn’t going to wait indefinitely. Either she knew that he was going to take care of her or she didn’t.

  “I trust you,” she said quietly, then tilted her chin up. “I always have.”

  Her words pleased him, but the claim sounded uncomfortably like a vow. “And I leave on New Year’s Day,” he said, reminding himself not to get too comfortable with her. “It ends then, no matter what.”

  “Of course,” she said steadily, but was quick to add, “if you can drag yourself away from me.”

  Ryder felt a bittersweet smile tug the corner of his mouth. “I’ll do my best.”

  “When do you want to start?” She rubbed her hands together. “Are we going to the bondage club?”

  “No club!” he ordered harshly. “Ever!” The image of her, dressed like this and unprotected, was enough to make him lose his cool.

  “Okay, okay!” She lifted her shoulders and held up her hands.“I got it. No club.”

  “We start now.” He unzipped his winter coat, but that was all he was removing. The more clothes he had on, the less likely he was to crawl on top of Katie and dominate her until he satisfied his intense hunger—and ruined his relationship with her forever.

  “Now?” Her gaze was transfixed on Ryder’s dark green hoodie. “As in right here and now?”

  “Do you have a problem with that?” he asked as he slung his coat on the back of a chair.

  “Not at all.” Katie’s voice was high as her heart rolled over and over. “I’m all yours.”

  She reached for him eagerly, and licked her lips. Ryder got the sense that she was preparing to give him a long, wet, hard kiss that would grab at his very soul. He held out his hands, ready to lay down the law. “No, you can’t touch me.”

  “I can’t what?”

  He pushed her back gently, ready to shock her. “Keep your hands flat on the tabletop.” He held her hands and put them in position before letting go. “Imagine that your wrists are chained down.”

  “I’m not that imaginative. Hey, I have some leftover gift-wrapping ribbon. I can . . .” Katie started to move away from the table, but he stopped her.

  “No,” Ryder said as he guided her back to her original position and stood between her legs. “I want to see how good your control is if you aren’t relying on something holding you down.”

  Katie frowned, and Ryder could tell she wasn’t too sure about this. “What’s my reward?”

  Ryder gave her a quick glance. “Excuse me?” Wasn’t this reward enough?

  “Let’s say I pass this trial run. Then what? What’s my reward?”

  “Interesting.” She wasn’t accepting this opportunity without asking for something more. Now that was the Katie he knew and adored. “Then we meet for a true bondage scene,” he promised rashly.

  “Tonight,” she decided.

  Ryder shook his head. “You don’t get to pick the time.” Not that it would matter. She wouldn’t pass this test. He would make sure of it.

  “Yes, I do. You’re leaving soon and I’m not taking any rain checks. If I pass this trial run, we meet tonight.”

  “Okay, tonight.” He pointed at her hands. “Flat on the table.”

  She did as he asked. “What are you going to do?”

  “You’ll find out soon enough. Stay perfectly still.”

  Her eyes widened. Was he serious? She couldn’t touch him and she had to remain still?

  No matter how much she tried to keep them still, her legs, dangling off the edge of the table, brushed against his thighs. He
didn’t call her on it and Katie allowed her legs to rest against his as he reached for her. She sighed when his fingertips glided from her hair to her forehead. He then caressed the bridge of her nose and her cheeks, before smoothing his fingers along her jaw. His touch was light and teasing. By the time he reached her chin, she was gritting her teeth. She wanted to lean into his hand, but she wouldn’t move. She had a lot riding on this test.

  Ryder drew a line around her mouth with his finger. Katie parted her lips and froze. Did that count as moving? Maybe he hadn’t noticed. Please don’t let him have noticed!