The Year of Living Shamelessly

by Susanna Carr

  “You didn’t follow instructions, so it stops here.” Ryder let his arms drop.

  She stared at him in astonishment. “You want to stop? Now?” How could he suggest such a thing when her body was clamoring for more?

  “You knew the consequences,” he said in all seriousness.

  “But . . . but . . .” Her mind whirled as she tried to come up with a good comeback. “But why should you be punished?”

  He smiled, the grooves by his mouth deepening. “I’m not going to fall for that line of reasoning.”

  “Why didn’t you stop the moment the blindfold was off ?” she asked as she closed in on him and linked her arms over his strong shoulders.

  He looked down at her eyes and the smile vanished. “Because that would have been cruel.”

  “That’s not why,” she said as she slid her hand through his tousled hair. “You were caught up in the moment, too. Come on, Ryder. It’s cruel to stop now.”

  “No.” He lifted his hands up. “You can’t follow the rules.”

  Screw the rules! she wanted to say. Scream it until the walls came tumbling down. But she had agreed to the rules, and followed them up to a point.

  “I wore the blindfold most of the time,” she pointed out, rubbing her naked body against him in hopes of distracting him. “That should count for something.”

  The doorbell rang. Three short staccato rings that made Katie jump. Damn, who could that be? “Ignore it,” she urged.

  Ryder reluctantly dragged his gaze from her and toward the hallway. “It’s your brother.”

  She took an instinctive step back into the darkness, knowing she couldn’t be seen through the window if she stood in this corner of the room. “How can you tell that from here?”

  “I just can.” Ryder turned away, walked stiffly to the Christmas tree and scooped up her discarded dress and practically threw it at her. “Here, put this on before Jake remembers he has a key.”

  “We don’t have to answer,” she whispered as she clasped the dress to her chest. “He’ll go away soon.”

  “I parked out front,” he reminded her and went to the door.

  Katie squeezed her eyes shut. Why did Jake have to drop by the day Ryder parked in front of the house? She shoved her arms in the sleeves with more violence than she intended. Life was so unfair, she decided as she heard the front door open.

  “Hey, Ryder,” Jake’s voice carried into the living room. “Sorry I’m late.”

  Katie stopped tying her sash around her waist. Late? Ryder made plans with Jake? She couldn’t hear Ryder’s response.

  “Why did I have to come by here and knock if I saw your car?” Jake asked. “Is Katie bugging you again?”

  Katie bit her bottom lip and she sagged against the wall. Ryder had planned everything so they wouldn’t have sex. The hurt, the disappointment gnawed at her stomach, but she remained perfectly still. She wanted to hide, but she bet Ryder was counting on that.

  “No, I’m not bugging Ryder,” she called out, hoping she sounded normal as the hurt clawed inside. Her throat felt raw as she fought to act nonchalant. Katie shoved her feet in her shoes and saw the blindfold on the floor. She grabbed it before she strode into the hallway.

  “He may be a carpenter,” Jake said as he stamped the snow from his feet and blew on his cold hands, “but he is not your personal handyman.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” Katie said, refusing to look at Ryder. “Don’t let me keep you, Ryder. Let me get your coat.”

  “I’m sorry, Katie.”

  Sorry for what? she wondered as she opened the closet door. For stopping? For setting up an elaborate plan to prevent them from having sex?

  Every move he made had been working toward this moment. Parking in front. The slow, deliberate lovemaking. He hadn’t taken off one article of his own clothing, doing his best to fend her off until her brother interrupted.

  She felt like such a fool. She handed Ryder his coat when she really wanted to throw it at him.

  “Are you feeling okay, Katie?” Jake asked.

  “I’m fine,” she said with her hands on her hips. And she would be until they walked out that door. Then she would stuff her face with the last of the Christmas candy.

  Jake scrunched up his face as he gave her an odd look. “You seem kind of out of it. And you look . . .”

  “I’m just tired. I was planning to go to bed.” She gave a pointed look at Ryder.

  “We’ll be out of your way,” Ryder said as he zipped up his coat. “Ready, Jake?”

  As Jake stepped outside, a devilish urge tickled Katie. “Oh, Ryder,” she said sweetly. “I think you forgot this.” She held out the blindfold.

  Ryder gave her a warning look. “Keep it. It’s yours.”

  “Because I earned it?”

  “No,” he answered as he reached for the door, a flash of regret in his eyes. “Because that is all you’re going to get from me.”

  She stared as the door closed and she heard Ryder’s and Jake’s feet shuffling in the slushy snow. Katie bunched up the blindfold and threw it at the door. It floated to the floor. Was this supposed to be some kind of souvenir? Of what might have been? Well, she didn’t want it. And if Ryder thought they were done, then he didn’t know her at all.

  She whirled around and marched into the kitchen, determined to polish off the last of the peppermint bark and come up with Plan B.

  Whatever that might be.

  He should have stood her up.

  Ryder kept his head down, staring at the snow as he headed for his truck. He always tried to keep his promises, but this time he should have made an exception. Instead of giving Katie a taste of something special, he had hurt her.

  But there was no way he could have given Katie the whole night. He was supposed to be initiating her into the art of submission, nothing more. He hadn’t trusted himself, and he’d done the one thing he never thought he’d have to do: he called Jake for reinforcement. It was a sign that his self-control was not what it used to be.

  Ryder had staged the interruption for Katie’s own good. So why did he feel like scum? He wanted to go back into the house, gather her in his arms and apologize. And then he wanted to start all over and not finish until Katie exhausted her imagination. That would take some time.

  “You never can say no to Katie.”

  Ryder jerked his head up. “Huh?” Something close to panic kicked him in the gut. Had Jake caught on to the vibes that sizzled between Katie and him? It was bound to happen sooner or later. He just wished it could have happened when he was already halfway across the world.

  “What is it with you two?” Jake gestured at the house. “She asks you for a favor and you always give in.”

  Relief flooded through Ryder’s veins. Jake had no idea what had just happened. If he had, Ryder would be dead meat.

  Ryder scowled at his friend. “I don’t always give in.” But he did. Each and every time. He liked being wanted. Needed. Most of all, he wanted to take care of Katie. He didn’t expect anything in return or any kind of acknowledgment. Just looking after Katie brought him satisfaction.

  Ryder noticed that Katie took care of him, too, in a thousand different ways, big and small. She didn’t ask for anything when she made him a home-cooked meal or did something to make his life easier. He enjoyed the attention. It made him feel important and loved.

  “Well, she’ll learn her lesson,” Jake muttered as he trudged through the snow to his truck. “She can’t rely on you anymore.”

  Ryder’s lips twisted in self-disgust. Katie had already learned that tonight. She’d discovered that he broke his promise, and that she couldn’t trust his word. Not exactly the lesson he wanted to give her, but there was nothing he could do about it now.

  “Once you leave, who is she going to call for help?” Jake asked as he continued his rant.

  “Uh, you,” Ryder said as he walked to the driver’s door of his truck.

  Jake snorted at the idea. “Think again.”
r />   Ryder’s hand stilled on the door. “You’re her brother.”

  “Let’s face it, Katie is a brat. Always has been, because she knows she has you wrapped around her finger.”

  So it was his fault? Fine. He’d take the blame. He kind of liked the idea that he’d had some influence in shaping the woman Katie had become.

  “Good thing I’m leaving, then,” Ryder said, yanking the truck door open. It wouldn’t be long before Katie realized the full extent of her power over him.

  “Tell me about it. I don’t trust her around you.”

  Ryder froze as Jake’s words cut through him like a sharp knife. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I get that, as an only child, you find the idea of a little sister fascinating. I would have thought that by now you would have realized it’s not like in the sitcoms. Little sisters are hell.”

  “Thanks for the insight.”

  “Katie is not the sweet girl you think she is. If she wants something, nothing will stand in her way until she gets it. And if she thinks you have a soft spot for her, the power will go to her head. You will be her exclusive handyman and be at her beck and call.”

  “I think I can handle Katie.”

  “Yeah? Then why did you call me to interfere tonight?” Ryder’s scowl deepened. They both knew the answer to that. He was already in Katie’s power.

  Jake laughed. “Come on, let’s go find some girls. Tatum was looking for you a while ago.”

  Ryder didn’t want to be around Tatum and her friends. He would rather be alone. No, that was a lie. He would rather be with Katie right now, finishing what they’d started. Ryder looked at the house. It was warm, inviting, and beckoning him to go back inside.

  But he couldn’t. He only had a few more days left and then he could let his guard down. Until then, he wouldn’t be alone for any length of time. He would stick to Jake’s side as much as he could. That would keep him away from Katie.

  She had probably washed her hands of him already. Either that or she was going to do something drastic to get him into her bed. He had a feeling it was going to be something daring and stupid.

  “Let’s go play pool,” Ryder told Jake. He got in his truck and revved the engine, forcing himself to leave Katie when every instinct screamed for him to stay.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  December 27

  Katie stood in front of the Merrill house early in the morning, stuffing her gloved hands into her coat pockets and hunching her shoulders as the arctic air tugged her long black hair. She usually visited the abandoned and neglected house when she needed to think or to recharge. There was something about the yellow two-story farmhouse that usually brought her comfort, but today she found no peace.

  Katie walked along the outside of the wraparound porch, not really noticing the missing rails or the boarded-up windows. The white paint on the trim was peeling in chunks and the wood railings were streaked with green moss. This house needed attention, and fast.

  Her friends and family couldn’t see the beauty of this house. They called it an eyesore or a money pit, and they thought she was only interested in it because it would be the ultimate renovation project, the ultimate challenge.

  It wasn’t true. Katie slowly walked around the house, carefully stepping on the cracked sidewalk that was still covered in snow. When she looked at the Merrill house, she wasn’t thinking about color combinations or interior decorations. She thought in words and emotions like cozy, safe, love and family.

  In her mind, that family included Ryder and maybe a few kids. She was kind of hazy on the children part. All that mattered was that she and Ryder were the strong center. And she would do whatever it took to protect that idea of family.

  But she didn’t think she would have to struggle so early. How could Ryder have walked away from her? Worse, he had planned it from the beginning. He wanted her, but he wouldn’t take her.

  It must be true that Ryder thought she was too innocent for the likes of him. He spent years protecting her from the hormone-crazed guys of Crystal Bend, unaware that Katie was able to handle them before her reinvention. If there was anyone a “good girl” shouldn’t have, it was Ryder, so of course Ryder had to protect her from himself!

  She had to break through Ryder’s misplaced chivalry, but she only had five days left. If only she knew how to hold his attention . . . but that required having some kinky knowledge. How was she going to become an expert in bondage in that short amount of time?

  Well, she knew how, Katie thought as she strolled around the back of the house. She just didn’t think she had the courage to follow through with it. How far was she willing to go to get the man and the life she wanted?

  She knew she wasn’t very brave or bold. Hilary had pointed out that Katie dressed like a kick-ass woman but would give up all her power to fall into bed with the right guy. Ryder thought her beauty and strength came from being soft and sweet. Her mother thought anything traditionally female was a sign of weakness.

  Katie knew that, compared to most women her age, her goal and her beliefs were unpopular. Was she the only one who thought a powerful woman was someone who took care of those around her and protected her relationships no matter the cost? Even if it meant surrendering or making a sacrifice.

  Or did that mean she was simply weak? Sometimes relinquishing control could be the most powerful act, but only in certain cases. Was it the best course of action for her?

  Katie gnawed on her bottom lip as she gave the Merrill house one last look before walking to the pitted, unkempt driveway. She knew what she wanted in life and she had the ability to get it if she could work up the courage. How far she was willing to go would determine her success. She rolled her shoulders back and there was a spring in her step. She was prepared to go all the way.

  Katie retrieved her cell phone from her coat pocket and hit speed dial. Within moments she heard her friend’s voice.

  “Hilary, how would you like to go to a bondage club tonight?”

  There was a pause before Hilary responded. “I don’t think I have anything appropriate to wear for the occasion.”

  Katie was surprised that Hilary would worry about that. “You can borrow my PVC pants,” she offered. “So how about it?”

  “Sure, why not? I’m always up for an anthropological field trip.”

  “Ryder, it’s your turn.”

  He was going to stay far away from her. It was the only way to handle Katie Kramer. He was willing to admit it, now that he had pulled back from the brink of disaster. Now that he had gotten her hot, wet and willing. He could not be trusted around that woman. He’d known it all along, but now he had proof.

  “Ryder?”

  Avoidance was the only way to go. Sure, it sounded cowardly, but now it was a matter of self-preservation. If he saw her again, or even heard her voice, there was no telling what he would do.

  “Ryder!”

  He blinked and looked around the pool hall. It seemed darker than a moment ago. Louder, too. He rubbed his eyes and looked at Art, his former coworker. “What?”

  “I won,” Art proclaimed.

  “You did?” How the hell did that happen? Art never won. Ryder glanced at the pool table and noticed the game was over. He’d barely even had a turn.

  The pool table was a dark green, just like Katie’s Christmas tree. The one she’d stood in front of as she took off her dress. . . .

  “You are so out of it.” Art slapped him on the back. “Dreaming about Dubai, aren’t you? Those beautiful beaches.”

  “That’s right,” Ryder lied. He was thinking about Katie. Hadn’t stopped thinking about her since he walked out of her house. He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and obviously couldn’t play pool. Pretty soon he wasn’t going to be able to function. He had to snap out of it. “Another game?”

  Art hesitated and shook his head. “Nah, too easy.”

  Ryder’s eyebrows went up, but he didn’t rise to the challenge. He knew he wasn’t at the top of his game.
He was too busy wondering what Katie was up to. Ryder grabbed his cell phone and looked to see if there were any incoming calls.

  Nothing.

  “You keep looking at that phone. What’s up with that?”

  Ryder shrugged. He had called Katie a couple of times to check—and he’d left a message—but she hadn’t returned his call. That was unprecedented.

  Either he’d really hurt her feelings last night to the extent that now she couldn’t stand the sight of him or she was shaking things up to keep him on his toes. Whatever she was doing, it was effective. He thought about her all day. He’d been distracted and grumpy, which more than one person had been happy to point out.