The Year of Living Shamelessly

by Susanna Carr

  “I don’t think you’re going to last very long,” Katie said.

  It was true, but she wasn’t going to last long, either. The lust glittered in her eyes and her skin was flushed. He could tell that the sound of his hand pumping his cock made her wet.

  She let go of her nipple and brought her hand down to her slit. There was no hesitation or shyness at all. Katie wanted to show him how aroused she was. How much she wanted him. Her boldness made him hot.

  “I think you’re going to be screaming my name in the next couple of minutes,” Ryder bragged, watching Katie dip her fingers into her wetness.

  “What makes you so sure?” she asked as she parted her knees even farther and pumped her fingers inside herself quickly.

  She was brazen and shameless, Ryder thought as he watched her every move. Katie loved showing off to him, and he couldn’t get enough. If he wasn’t careful, she was going to take total control.

  Ryder leaned over to her bedside table. Katie looked like she was about to protest when he pulled the drawer open. He smiled when he saw what was hiding inside and removed the slim purple vibrator.

  “How did you know about that?” she asked.

  “I figured it out when you teased me about not having toys in my drawer.” He switched on the vibrator and it quietly buzzed to life. He smiled as he considered all the naughty things he could do to Katie with this.

  “You don’t call this touching?” she asked and gasped as he reached down and rubbed the shaking toy against her inner thigh.

  “I’m not touching you,” he said as he moved the vibrator in small circles. He loved the way Katie moaned and the way her hands stilled as he teased her with the tapered end of the toy.

  She gritted her teeth when he moved the vibrator closer to her slit. He saw the tremors sweeping through her. He could tell that she wanted to surrender.

  With a long groan, she moved her hands away and watched Ryder rub the vibrator against the swollen folds of her sex.

  She bucked toward him, desperate for more. Ryder wanted to toss the vibrator aside and touch her. He almost did when she bunched the bedsheets in her hands and rocked her hips. Ryder settled the toy against her clit and watched her as the vibrations sent her over the edge. Katie arched back, squeezing her eyes shut, as sweat bathed her skin.

  “Can I touch you now?” Ryder asked with a knowing laugh.

  “Not yet,” she said.

  Ryder’s eyebrows rose as she challenged him. So she wasn’t going to give in that easily. He switched the vibrator to the medium level. Katie shuddered as he drew the toy up and down her wet slit. The vibrations had an unpredictable pattern, but the designs Ryder drew along her flesh were even wilder.

  Katie was trembling, but she didn’t give in.

  “Can I touch you now?” Ryder asked, enjoying every twitch and buck of her hips.

  “No,” she said. “Not now. Later tonight.”

  Ryder knew it was big talk, and he didn’t bother to hide the arrogant smile playing on his mouth as he switched the level to high on the slim purple vibrator.

  He saw Katie bracing herself for the onslaught. She locked her shoulders and hips in place and grabbed the sheets in her hands. Her feet were firmly planted on the mattress. She kept her gaze steady on him.

  Ryder slid the tapered head of the vibrator into her core. The vibe was so fast, so intense, he was impressed that she didn’t come right away. He didn’t think she would last more than a minute.

  “Now you can touch me,” she told Ryder, her voice husky.

  “Not yet,” he mimicked before plunging the vibrator deep into her.

  Katie groaned. Her muscles spasmed as they clutched onto the slim toy. Ryder pulled it almost all the way out, leaving her gasping.

  “Not now,” Ryder said and then thrust the vibrator deeper. Katie’s hips lurched off the bed. He couldn’t get enough of this. She was about to ride out the waves when he slowly withdrew the toy.

  Katie made a desperate grab for the vibrator, knocking away Ryder’s hands. He let her take it, smiling as she held on to the toy with both hands and pumped it inside her. She held his gaze as she rode it, showing him exactly how she liked it.

  He didn’t think he could take much more. He wasn’t satisfied with just watching. He wanted to touch her, take her to the edge and back, again and again.

  Her strokes faltered when the white-hot climax streaked through her. Suddenly Ryder’s hands covered hers as he continued the pace she wanted. She watched him through half-opened eyes.

  “But, Katie,” Ryder said as he plunged the toy deeply into her core, “I promise I’m going to touch you later tonight. As much as I want.”

  With satisfaction, he noted that she didn’t argue. He gave the vibrator a naughty twist that triggered a low, guttural moan from her. “And from now on, you will touch me as much and as often as you like.”

  Katie closed her eyes and sighed as he slowly withdrew the vibrator from her. “Sure. Now you tell me.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  December 31

  Ryder placed the coffee mug on the bedside table and slowly turned to Katie. He braced himself, but just the sight of her sleeping was a punch to his gut. She was so beautiful, so sweet and loving, that he wanted to lie down next to her and curl his body against hers.

  Katie lay naked under the blankets, her arms stretched out to where he had slept. The thought that she was reaching for him made his heart ache. He couldn’t let that instinctive movement get to him.

  Ryder allowed his gaze to drift to Katie’s black hair tousled and spread across the pillow. He wanted to sink his hands into the long tangles, but he had to refrain from touching her. The longer he lingered, the more difficult it would be to leave.

  He had to be strong. Ryder had reluctantly left Katie’s embrace hours ago and forced himself out of bed. He was dressed and ready to go. If he was smart, he would write a note and leave before she woke.

  Who was he kidding? It wasn’t the smartest route; it was the easiest, and also the most cowardly. He couldn’t do that to Katie. Even if she caused a scene, or created a drama that only Katie could do, it would be better than sneaking out. If he left while she slept, he would regret it.

  Five more minutes, he decided. He would wake Katie up and leave within five minutes. It didn’t seem like a lot, but his determination was already slipping.

  He lay down next to Katie, knowing it was risky, that he might not get back up for hours. If I don’t curl up next to her, I’m okay. He wanted to believe it, holding his body rigid, just in case he wrapped his arm around her.

  He watched her sleep, inhaling and savoring her scent. Ryder felt the sting of tears in his eyes as his throat constricted. He squeezed his eyes shut, determined to push back the emotions rolling through him.

  He knew he was already over his allotted five minutes, but he wanted to take just a few more with his emotions under control. But it was now or never. If he was a stronger man, he would explore what he had with Katie. Exhaust every possibility, ride it out until there was nothing left.

  Katie might have the courage to do that, but he didn’t. Katie had already stripped him of his armor and captured his heart. He had to retreat now, before this affair destroyed him.

  Katie stirred when she felt the light, insistent touch on her bare arm. She grumbled and frowned, burrowing her head in the pillow. She wasn’t ready to wake up, not when she was having the most delicious dream about Ryder.

  “Katie, rise and shine,” Ryder whispered close to her ear and gave her a soft kiss on her cheek.

  “It’s too early to get up,” she mumbled. She had no idea of the time, or whether it was morning or night. She was worn out.

  No one warned her how tiring it was chasing after a man. Probably because the exhausting part happened once he was captured. She didn’t think she’d had much rest, trying to cram as many fantasies as she could into two days.

  Katie smiled as she remembered how she’d spent the night. She fe
lt the blush streaking up her neck and into her cheeks as a collage of memories flickered through her mind. Arching her back, Katie winced as her muscles protested. She ached and she was slowly becoming aware of the sting of whisker burn in a few places on her body. There was no telling what other marks and bruises decorated her skin.

  She stretched leisurely, welcoming the twinges. Her fingers collided against something warm and solid. Ryder. Katie’s eyelashes fluttered as she forced her eyes open. The first thing she saw was Ryder’s smile. She sighed, the joy and contentment inside her overflowing. She reached for him and discovered that he was fully clothed.

  “Why are you dressed?” Her voice was rough with sleep. “It’s only going to slow me down.”

  The sparkle in his eyes dimmed. “I have to go.”

  Her fingers wrapped around the drawstring of his black hoodie. “Go where?”

  Ryder’s smile straightened into a firm line. He didn’t say anything for several moments. “It’s December thirty-first, Katie. This is my last day in Crystal Bend. I’m flying to Dubai early tomorrow morning.”

  The warmth that had invaded her body suddenly turned cold. Her body stiffened as it warded off the jarring effects of his words, and the serenity she had felt vanished as if it had never existed. “Your last day?” she repeated dully.

  “Katie, you knew I was leaving.”

  She noticed the gentle and careful way he spoke to her. As if he could tell his reminder would cause a hairline fracture in her fragile composure. Did he know it wouldn’t take much for her restraint to disintegrate and reveal the swirling, messy emotions inside her?

  Katie swallowed the lump in her throat and scrupulously removed her hand from his drawstring. She wouldn’t cry. She refused to. It wouldn’t be right. She had always known Ryder’s plan and she conveniently forgot about it yesterday, foolishly pretending things were different.

  No, that wasn’t true, Katie thought as she gradually sat up. She thought that since she hadn’t held anything back, she had assured Ryder of her love. After last night, after enjoying an intimacy that took her breath away, Katie thought his plans were obsolete and he wouldn’t want to leave.

  That was stupid of her. Katie squeezed her eyes closed, horrified and angry with her mistake. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  She was aware of Ryder’s gaze on her. He was probably waiting for the waterworks. That wasn’t going to happen. She had promised herself that she wouldn’t create drama if he chose to leave. If she expected him to accept that she loved him, then she would graciously accept that it wasn’t going to stop him from leaving Crystal Bend.

  She couldn’t think of it that way. If she did, she would be a basket case before breakfast. She had to view it the way her friends explained it. She was gifting him with her love and expecting nothing in return. She was going to handle his desertion—no, his departure—with sophistication and style.

  She would be on her best behavior until he passed the city limits. Then she would have the mother of all breakdowns.

  “Katie?” Ryder’s voice was laced with concern.

  She jerked at the sound of his voice. Katie tried to cover up her reaction by rubbing her eyes, as if she was wiping the sleep away. “Sorry, I’m not really with it first thing in the morning. What time is it?”

  “It just turned nine,” he said and sat up next to her. Ryder didn’t touch her, but she felt surrounded by him. “I brought you some coffee. It’s here on the table.”

  “Thank you.” The thoughtful gesture inexplicably irritated her, and she wasn’t sure why. Probably because it was his final act of taking care of her. It was so simple and insignificant, but Katie couldn’t look at the table. She didn’t trust herself to look in his direction.

  “I still have to finish packing and meet with my landlord,” Ryder said. “I don’t know how long it’s going to take.”

  They wouldn’t get to spend this final day together. That’s what he was trying to tell her. Maybe it was for the best, but she didn’t think so.

  Katie knew she was being greedy. She’d gotten more than she’d ever hoped for, but it wasn’t enough. Was it wrong to want every single minute with him before he left?

  “It sounds like you’re going to have a busy day,” she said in a determinedly breezy tone. She forced herself to move and swung her feet to the floor. Katie felt uncoordinated and graceless as she got out of bed, but she kept going.

  Reaching for her long terry-cloth robe, she hesitated. If she wanted to remind Ryder of what he would be missing, she should wear something silky and sexy. No, that wouldn’t be enough. She should stay naked.

  Forget it. Bad idea. Katie grabbed the robe and gratefully wrapped it around her cold, trembling body. She was already feeling defenseless and stripped of the last of her confidence.

  Katie didn’t look at him as she wrapped the robe around her and pulled the sash tightly. She stuffed her shaking hands into the oversized pockets before she finally turned around to face him. He continued to watch her with solemn, dark eyes.

  “Let me make you some breakfast before you go,” she offered with a bright smile firmly in place. That sounded like something a sophisticated lover would do. And it would delay him from leaving.

  “There is no need.”

  “I insist.” She headed for the door, wishing her legs would cooperate and not make her feel so ungainly and awkward. If it was this much trouble to walk, then making a meal was going to be disastrous. “I forgot.” She stopped abruptly and snapped her fingers. “I don’t have anything to cook for breakfast. No matter. We’ll go out.”

  Ryder got off the bed and approached her. “Katie, you don’t have to.”

  “I want to.” She took an instinctive step back, not wanting him to touch her. “Please?”

  “Sure,” he said with a sigh. “Anything you want. My treat.”

  “Great.” She struggled to keep her smile in place. It was easier if she didn’t look directly at him. “Although I don’t think I’m up for going to the café.”

  “I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

  She nodded jerkily. Katie remained still and didn’t watch him leave. When she heard Ryder close the bedroom door behind him, she let out a shaky breath.

  He was leaving town and not coming back. Katie blinked rapidly. She wasn’t going to last the morning, or even the next five seconds, without crying. Hopefully he wouldn’t hear her sobbing in the shower.

  Katie thought she deserved a crying jag. She had given her all, and it wasn’t enough. She fought for her man and she lost.

  A tear stung her eye before falling over her lashes and sliding down her face. She wiped it away fiercely. She couldn’t cry yet, because once she started, she wouldn’t stop. It was time to surrender to the inevitable. She would rather not do it with a bright red nose and swollen eyes. She needed to be gracious in defeat.

  Or, in the words of Hilary, it was time to suck it up.

  “So,” Katie said cheerfully as she sat in Ryder’s truck while he drove to town, “you are going to miss these winters when you’re in Dubai.”

  “I’ll survive,” Ryder replied, his eyes on the road.

  “You could always come back here on your vacation. Just to remember what snow looks like.” Great. She only had an hour, two tops, with Ryder and she was discussing the weather. It couldn’t get much worse.

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “You do that,” she muttered. Ryder didn’t sound enthusiastic about her plan. She understood that he wanted to start a new life with a clean slate, but that didn’t mean he had to stay away forever.

  Ryder glanced over in her direction. “I’m going to keep in touch,” he promised.

  Katie leaned her head back on her seat and looked out the passenger window. “No, you’re not.”

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said with a sigh. “I didn’t mean to put a damper on our last morning together, but it’s true. You’re not planning to keep in touch. You are making a clean b
reak.”

  Ryder shook his head. “I would never abandon you.”

  She took an unsteady breath. She sure felt like she was being abandoned. Dropped and kicked to the curb. Maybe she wouldn’t feel this way if he would just tell her why he had to leave so suddenly.

  Maybe he was leaving today because he hadn’t had a better offer. “You know, since we’re kind of together . . .”

  “Katie, no.” He was shaking his head like he already knew what she was going to say.