The Year of Living Shamelessly

by Susanna Carr

  “You could stay at the house,” she offered. Katie sat a little straighter in her chair. She liked this idea. “I have the whole place to myself and it gets a little lonely.”

  “It wouldn’t work.”

  “It worked just fine,” Katie protested. “Better than fine. It was fantastic, if I say so myself.”

  “That was for a couple of days.” Ryder stopped the truck at a stoplight, giving him a chance to look directly at her. “If I stayed for longer, soon you wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of me.”

  “Oh, please.” She made a face. “That’s impossible.”

  “Not as impossible as you’d think,” Ryder muttered under his breath and returned his attention to the street.

  “Is that why you’re leaving?” she asked, searching his face for any hint of what was running through his head. “You think it’s only a matter of time before I fall out of love with you? Do you think I’m that fickle?”

  “No!”

  Huh. Katie looked out the window. She had been so sure for a moment there. But if that was the reason why he was leaving, she didn’t know how to ease his fears. How could she prove that she wasn’t going to fall out of love? There was just no way to give that kind of proof.

  She saw the familiar yellow of the Merrill house coming up the street. It had been a few days since she’d last seen it, but she didn’t think the old farmhouse would give her the peace she desperately needed. Katie frowned when she saw an addition to the for-sale sign posted at the edge of the neglected lawn.

  “Stop the car!” Katie yelled as she took off her seat belt.

  Ryder pumped the brakes and his truck slid to a stop just as Katie flung open the door. “What the hell is wrong with you?” he called out as she jumped down from the truck.

  She wasn’t listening. Katie marched right through the shoveled snow piled against the curb and stood in front of the sign. For years it had stood there like a limp white flag of surrender, and no one paid any attention to it. It had melded into the background until now.

  “No . . . ,” she whispered weakly as she stared at the red banner that streaked across the white sign. Sold.

  Katie took a choppy breath, the cold air burning down her throat. Someone had taken her house. Not just taken it—stolen it from right under her nose.

  “You’re lucky there was no one behind us,” Ryder said as he came up from behind. “What were you thinking?”

  “Someone bought the house.” The words weren’t easy to say.

  He looked at the sign as if he’d just noticed it. “Impossible.”

  She stared at the red banner. Sold. S-o-l-d. She’d read it right. It was no hallucination. Someone was buying her house, and taking away her dream in the process.

  “Katie? Katie?” Ryder waved his hand in front of her face. “Are you listening?” He grasped her arm and guided her away from the sign. “Let me get you out of the cold.”

  Katie looked over her shoulder to catch one last glimpse of the farmhouse. “Someone bought my house.”

  “Someone saved you from a very big financial risk,” Ryder said as he helped her over the pile of snow.

  Katie yanked her arm away from Ryder and glared at him. “How can you say that? I loved that house. I wanted it.”

  “You can’t always get what you want,” he said softly, almost pensively.

  There was no need to tell her that. She knew it firsthand. No matter how hard she tried, how much she changed her life, she was not the type of woman who got everything she wanted. She was the girl who just had to suck it up.

  She reluctantly got into the truck. Ryder gave her a searching look before declaring, “I’m going to take you back home.” Katie didn’t respond as he closed the door. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against the window. She still couldn’t believe that the house had been sold right out from under her. Why hadn’t the Realtor warned her?

  She felt Ryder’s hand on her arm. Katie dragged her gaze away from the house to see that he was now in the driver’s seat. She met his concerned gaze. “Seat belt,” he reminded her.

  It took a couple of attempts, but she managed to take care of the small task as Ryder started the truck. She continued to stare out the window until the farmhouse was out of view.

  “Have you heard a word I’ve said?” Ryder asked.

  Katie looked at him. “What?” She recognized they were on her street again. The ride home had been a blur.

  Ryder rolled his eyes. “I just spent the past ten minutes telling you why you couldn’t buy the house. Why you shouldn’t.”

  She was so tired of that word. Shouldn’t. She shouldn’t go after the Merrill house. She shouldn’t go after Ryder. She shouldn’t care. She shouldn’t cry. Katie felt the sting in the back of her eyes and was afraid to blink in case the tears started rolling. She wasn’t going to have their final moments end with her sobbing. Katie focused on her parents’ house coming up. She could keep a brave face until she got inside.

  “I—” She stopped as her voice hitched in her throat. To her horror the first tear started to spill before she could stop it.

  Ryder parked in front of the house. “Katie?”

  She skipped crying and went straight to bawling. Not little delicate tears and cries, but the heaving, gasping, scary sobs. She tore off her seat belt and reached for the latch, but Ryder moved faster. He had her in his arms before she could open the door.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he murmured in her ear as he gently stroked her hair.

  “No, it won’t,” she said, her voice muffled in his chest. She wanted two things out of life and she was getting neither.

  “It’s just a house.”

  Something froze inside her. Hardened and crystallized. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d felt so cold. “Just a house?” She pushed away from him. “Did you say it was just a house? That house represented everything I wanted out of life.”

  Ryder stared at her. “That house?”

  “That house was perfect.” She sat back in her seat and pushed the hair from her face. “When I had a bad day at work or if you were dating some gorgeous woman, I would drop by that house and imagine what it could be.”

  “What?” He squinted at her, the confusion clouding his dark eyes. “What do I have to do with this?”

  “Don’t you get it?” She wiped the tears from her wet face. “Oh, you probably don’t. And you probably don’t want to know. It might scare you.”

  “Try me.” He placed one arm on the back of the seat, the other arm on the window. His long, lean body was sprawled out and he seemed open to whatever came his way.

  She paused. She wasn’t up to telling him. Every time she opened up and shared a piece of her dream, he rejected it. All this time she hadn’t wanted to scare him off because she might lose her opportunity. But what did she have to lose now? He never said he loved her, and after today, she would never see him again.

  “Whenever I drove by that house, I could imagine what life could be like,” she confessed, looking down at her hands. “It included you and me, creating a home together.”

  He sat up straight, his arms coming down.

  She gave a humorless chuckle. “Scared you already? Well, brace yourself because that’s just the tip of the iceberg. That house has enough rooms for children.” Katie felt the sudden tension vibrate through him. “Yeah, that’s right. I fantasized about having it all with you.”

  He ran his hand through his hair. “I thought . . . you only wanted a . . .”

  “An affair?” she finished for him. “That was going to be the start. My New Year’s resolution focused on us getting together. I really thought that would be our only hurdle.”

  She saw him pale and his jaw slacken. Ryder moved his mouth, but no words came out. When she saw the panic in his eyes, the last spark of hope fizzled.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say,” Katie said with a wry smile. She opened the truck door and slowly got out. “I’m usually very stra
ightforward with you. I didn’t tell you what I really wanted because I knew you wouldn’t touch me.”

  “That’s not true,” he was compelled to say.

  She leaned against the door. “You really would have entered a relationship with me knowing I wanted forever?” she asked, her eyebrow arching in disbelief.

  Ryder’s mouth opened and closed.

  “I thought so.” She slammed the door and walked to her parents’ house. Katie heard the whine of the car window rolling down and knew Ryder wasn’t going to let her have the last word.

  “I’m not a family guy,” he called out after her.

  “Keep telling yourself that and you might start believing it,” she called back over her shoulder.

  “You of all people know I’m no good with families.”

  She whirled around. “You think that because you’re basing everything on what your own family did,” she corrected angrily. “And good riddance to them. But when you were with us, I saw how much you valued family.”

  “That’s not the same,” he argued.

  “If we had made a family, you would have done anything to protect and provide for them. And so would I.” She pressed her hand over her pounding heart. “I would have created the home you couldn’t wait to get back to.”

  He continued to stare at her.

  “I know that reaching that dream wouldn’t be easy. There would be risks and mistakes and setbacks, but we could have made it work.” She took a deep breath, feeling the tears stinging in her eyes again. “But not anymore.”

  “Because the Merrill house isn’t available?” He pointed in the direction of her dream home.

  She pointed at him. “Because you’re leaving before anything can happen.”

  He hit his steering wheel with the palm of his hand. “That’s not why I’m leaving.”

  “Yeah, you’re leaving before you ruin how I feel about you,” she said as she opened the front door. “You think I’m going to stop loving you, and you want to be long gone before that happens.”

  “You’ll thank me later.”

  “Why?” she yelled back, her hands shaking as she gripped the door handle. “Why would I thank you for showing that whatever I do, it’s not enough? That I’m not enough for you?”

  “Katie!”

  She stepped inside and slammed the door shut. She leaned against the solid wood, needing its support. She knew locking the door would be a waste of time. Ryder wasn’t going to come after her. He was moving out and moving on.

  When she heard the growl of Ryder’s truck’s engine as it sped down the street, Katie slid down the door and sat. Ryder was gone forever. Now she could cry.

  Why? Ryder clenched his teeth as he drove off, the truck tires squealing in protest. He wanted to run after Katie and comfort her, and it took all of his willpower to leave her alone. After all, he was the source of her pain.

  Creating a home together.

  Katie’s words wafted inside his head like a curl of smoke, provoking cozy images he couldn’t allow. He really was no good with families. He wished he was, but didn’t let that show, protecting that weak spot of his. It was hurtful enough that his own family didn’t want him around.

  But Katie wanted him, and was willing to take the biggest leap of faith by creating a family with him. Ryder winced and slowed his truck. Damn, why did Katie have to lay that on him now? Hours before he was leaving for good.

  He did not need this. Ryder rubbed his aching head with a tense hand. He could drive away right now, throw his bags in the truck and leave without looking back.

  I fantasized about having it all with you.

  Ryder punched the steering wheel with frustration and continued driving. Yeah, he fantasized about that, too. In those unguarded moments, he imagined having Katie at his side, always there no matter what happened.

  I wanted forever.

  Ryder never allowed himself to dream about forever. His track record proved that no one could handle him for any length of time. Except for Katie, but she saw him differently. For years she had built him up in her mind as some sort of hero, and Ryder should have destroyed that image long ago. But he wanted to be the kind of guy Katie thought he was, and when he was with her, he felt like he could be. It was dangerous to think that.

  Because eventually he would ruin everything, and her love for him would die. He couldn’t live with that. Katie’s love was the greatest gift he received, and he was afraid of losing it.

  Ryder slowed down his truck when he saw the Merrill house coming up. He didn’t know why he had decided to drive down this street. He parked at the curb and stared at the house, trying to see what Katie loved about it. The house was run-down and he could make a list of problems just from a glance. It could be a solid structure, if someone was willing to invest a lot of money, time and tender loving care.

  Maybe Katie saw him the same way. He hadn’t had a lot of success with families, with relationships, but she was willing to take the risk with him. Even more than that, Katie wanted to give him the one thing he didn’t have the courage to go after.

  He wished he could do the same for her. If there ever was a time to prove that he could be the guy Katie thought he was, this was it. It would mean throwing caution to the wind, and risking Katie’s love, the most precious thing he had.

  Ryder stared at the Merrill house, his heart pounding hard in his chest, as he noticed every problem and every potential in the house.

  I would have created the home you couldn’t wait to get back to.

  She had been doing that for years, Ryder thought as he turned the ignition. Now it was his turn, and he couldn’t wait.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Katie lowered her head and winced as the music blared through the speakers. She felt the rhythm vibrate in the floor, through the soles of her feet, and invade her frail body. Her wrung-out heart pounded. It was building and building until it threatened to puncture through the weak armor of her skin.

  “I can’t believe you dragged me to this,” Katie yelled over the music as she stood against the wall of the New Year’s Eve party. She would usually try to drag her friends out of the darkened corner, but tonight she wanted to be invisible. She didn’t want to pretend that she was having fun. She certainly wasn’t going to reminisce or look forward.

  One of her male coworkers walked by and smiled at her. Katie glowered back. Hmm, she might have dated that one once. She couldn’t remember and she didn’t care.

  “Hey, you have no right to complain,” Melissa decided, guzzling down a glass of champagne. “You dragged me to the Christmas Eve party.”

  “That was different.”

  “Hardly.” Melissa wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. “You’re even wearing the same outfit.”

  She looked down at the black turtleneck and leather skirt combo, complete with the black leather stiletto boots. Katie hadn’t had a chance to return them, and when she saw them in her closet she felt they suited her mood perfectly. “If anyone asks, I’m in mourning.”

  “Fine, I will be, too.” Melissa gestured at her outfit. The fitted black pantsuit was kind of cute. Sexy and sporty. It suited Melissa, emphasizing her athletic build and tomboyish style.

  Katie felt old and dowdy next to her friend. She had no energy and just wanted to go back home and sleep until spring. Katie leaned her head against the wall and let out a long, whiny groan.

  “I’m beginning to regret forcing you out of the house,” Melissa said as she grabbed another plastic flute of champagne. “I really thought this would be a good idea. I’m sorry.”

  “Sure, now you say that.” Where was the reprieve when she was under her warm covers, huddled in a ball, and all cried out? Melissa showed no mercy and had been adamant that Katie fulfill her obligations. And all this time Katie thought her friend had been a softie.

  “You’re obviously not ready to be out in public,” Melissa said and took a big gulp from her glass, wrinkling her nose as the bubbles got to her. “I know you
think I’m being hard on you, but the sooner you get back out in the world, the easier it will be.”

  “Remind me never to ask you to be my life coach,” Katie said. “In case you haven’t noticed, Melissa, I lost my dreams all in one day. And that day was today. I haven’t even had twenty-four hours to come to terms with it. Give me a break.”

  “It only feels like you’ve lost.” Melissa patted Katie’s shoulder with bruising force. “It’s really a setback.”

  “No, I ran out of time. Out of luck.” Katie rubbed her shoulder. “You know, I went after what I wanted, all cylinders firing. I did not hold back. I was so sure that if I gave it my all, I would achieve the impossible.” She obviously had read too many articles on positive visualization.