by K. S. Adkins
Falling asleep on my arm because he wouldn’t release my hand, when his nightmare took him over it woke me up and broke my fucking heart. He was still out of it but he was going to hurt himself with his thrashing. Reaching into my pocket, I was about to grab the syringe and try to give the man a few more hours of peace when he calmed.
Once he settles fully he surprises me when he doesn’t let go of me. Looking at his dark hand encircling my pale one I whisper, “I never wanted this for you, Rome. Not you.”
Then I let sleep take me.
As instructed no one disturbed us. It was rare a doctor stayed with their patient unless it was an extreme situation but for me this qualified. No, he wasn’t afraid of the dark but he also didn’t want to be alone any more than I wanted to be apart from him. I didn’t know his struggles but I knew to my core that he was innocent. I never doubted it. That no matter the situation Rome would never force a woman into intercourse. Several hours later when he woke up lucid, and squeezed my hand, my heart followed suit.
“I didn’t do it,” he says quietly.
Lifting my head our eyes meet and I whisper back, “I know.”
“Should have listened to you,” he says keeping his voice low. “Wanted you back then but was no good for you, took me going to prison to realize how much I took shit for granted.”
“I can’t imagine what that kind of attention is like,” I admit. “But you were something to see in action, Rome.”
“Why’d you do it? Tutor me?”
“Because I knew you were more than what you showed the world. You were meant for great things and if I could play a small part in your success, I wanted the chance.”
“I’m sorry if I got you in trouble with your dickhead boss,” he says closing his eyes. “I don’t like that guy.”
“He’s not so bad,” I tell him running my fingers over his braids. “I’m a mess over you, Rome, what are we doing? What’s the goal here?”
“Fuck if I know. I just know I can’t be without you. I’m a convicted rapist,” he growls low. “Is that what your family would want for you? Is that what you want for you? You could do better than me, doc, and if you’re smart you would.”
“I don’t recall making plans for the future here,” I tell him sitting up to get the feeling back in my arm. “But if you think your conviction embarrasses me you’d be wrong. My family supports me but I’m not trying to win their approval either, I’m an adult. The truth is I don’t know how I feel right now. Trust is a big deal and right now with you, I don’t have that. I keep waiting for it---”
“You’ll dress up for them but not for me?”
“Stop it with the hot and cold,” I snap. “Look, you keep showing up here to see me. One minute you want to go out and the next you warn me away. You just received your freedom and I imagine you’re pretty fucked up about next steps. If you’re looking for something familiar, it’s not me.” Taking a deep breath I try to do what I thought was best for both of us. “I’d like to start over and extend my friendship to you, Rome. You know, take it slow---”
“I don’t need friends, doc.”
“Everyone needs a friend,” I tell him holding the hurt in. Shot down, always shot down. “Word on the street is I’m a kick ass friend to have in certain situations.”
“I want to fuck you, own you, not be your God damn best friend.”
“Don’t you think you’re getting ahead of yourself a bit?” I ask wondering how we went from friendship to fucking.
“A black ex-con who bounces for a living, believe me, I knew I didn’t have a shot but said fuck it and tried anyway. I got the hint, doc. Probably why I never took the leap back then either.”
“None of that matters to me,” I tell him. “You are being really one-sided here, we’re just getting to know each other again so ease up.”
“Bullshit,” he laughs. “I know exactly what I’m talking about. No one knows you better than me, ten years apart doesn’t change that. So you’d take my black ass home to meet your folks?”
“You’d take my white ass home to meet yours?”
“That’s what I thought. Check me out,” he says sitting up. Then reaching over he rips his IV out and drops the tubing. “I’m done.”
Something came over me. I couldn’t explain what it was or where it came from but I knew I was pissed. Tossing his paperwork at him in anger, I watched him sign himself out and became enraged. Then I followed his ass to his car and stood in front of it again. When he got out very slowly and approached trying to intimidate me I stood my ground. “What the fuck, doc?”
“Last time asshole, you do not know me. Don’t put words in my mouth and don’t presume to know what I’m thinking either because you will be wrong every fucking time. You are going to follow me,” I order him. When he remains silent I point to his car and tell him slowly, “Get in your fucking car and follow me, do it now, Rome.”
He did and fifteen minutes later I showed him why.
While doing my time, I had days where my rage was under control and days where it wasn’t. Most days I stayed busy working out or reading the shit she used to talk about. She loved to read, I do remember that. To name a few, I’ve read all the Grimm’s brothers books (Cinderella was still my favorite), The Lord of the Rings, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Oscar and Lucinda, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Catch 22 and The Trial (which was kick ass). Every month my grandma would ask me which stories I wanted and she’d bring them for me. I had piles of books and when I finished, I didn’t pass them around, I had my grandma take them home where they’d be safe.
It was those quiet times when I’d finish a book that I’d wonder what she had thought of it. I’d give anything to talk to her about it but knowing she’d talk with her hands, so fucking animated. I missed her all day every day and at night, I wondered wherever she was if she was happy.
The Doc had a temper.
I used to be able to rile her up a bit with dirty jokes and asking her to repeat the lesson, but nothing like this. Not only did she get all up in my shit, she was dead fucking serious too. I’ve never had a woman verbally assault me in an evening gown before and I took it as a sign she cared.
Last night when she stayed with me she held my hand, she never let go. Words can’t describe how I felt about that. Now I’m following her because the alternative might have been fighting her off in the lot. What is it with women around here? Fuck, they were bossy. Yeah I would follow her because I didn’t like the thought of her being pissed or away from me. For ten years she’s thought I was a piece of shit and last night when she whispered she never wanted this life for me, I fucking cried on the inside. Even with my chest screaming at me, I blew through traffic to keep up. Once outside of the city, we detour off the freeway into residential. This was the side of town I wish I could afford to move my grandma to, that was my goal. But based on my pay at Lush and my legal debt, it wasn’t happening anytime soon.
Parking out in the street, she waits for me on the porch. She says shit and neither do I. Opening the door, she yells for her dad and then things got interesting. A very large black guy, six three easy, with a tight afro rounds the corner and when he sees her his face lights up, when he sees me he looks curious, like I’m familiar. Fuck, but I hated being the center of attention.
“Kandy girl!” he bellows then picks her up in a twirl.
“Dad, I’m too big to be spun and I’m wearing a dress!” she squeals holding on tight.
Then I hear “Is our girl home?” and when I turn my head a stacked white guy slightly taller than Kandace, maybe six one with a bun in his hair run to her pulling her into a fierce hug.
“Hi Dad,” she giggles. Okay, what the fuck?
“Dads I’d like you to meet my friend Roman Peterson,” she says proudly like I was worth a shit. I didn’t want to be her fucking friend and I didn’t want to meet her dads either. I was seriously uncomfortable and wanted to leave yesterday.
“The Roman Peterson?” the big one
asks reaching for my hand intent on shaking it.
“The same Roman Peterson you used to brag about?” says the smaller one shaking it next.
“Yeah that’s me,” I snap crossing my arms over my chest. “The same Roman Peterson that just got out of prison.”
Coming toe-to-toe with me, Kandace cranes her head up toward my ear and whispers, “You feel better now convict? Knock it off. This is my family, act right.”
“I’m gonna jet,” I tell her moving away.
“No you are fucking not,” she counters taking my hand to keep me in place. “He’s one in the same,” she says pulling me into the kitchen. “Sit,” she says pointing to the chair and I do. Watching her grab glasses to get us a drink, it’s when her dads take the seats next to me that I start to sweat. Meeting a chick’s parents was a first. The circumstances sucked too, I was fresh from the hospital, confused and pushing thirty.
“Okay Rome, so the big guy to your left is Richard, and the guy to your right is Peter.” Blinking at them both I was at a loss until she spoke again. “Really you got nothing?” she says putting her hands on her gorgeous hips. “I tell you that my dads’ names are Dick and Peter and you’ve got nothing?”
“I’m Dick Kane,” he says patting me on the back. “But Peter calls me Big Daddy Kane.”
Yeah, I still had nothing. The fuck do I say to that? I’m not calling him Big Daddy anything. Who are these people?
“Stop embarrassing him, Dick,” says Peter on a laugh.
“Where’s Gage?” she asks joining the party. Handing me a glass of what looked like lemonade I guzzle it back to buy some time. Standing up she brings the pitcher over then hands me a pill. “Ibuprofen for the pain,” she says nodding at me to take it after refilling my glass again.
“He’s in Dallas, I think,” says Peter eye balling me. “He’ll be around next week.”
“What’s with the dress Kandy girl? Did you pull an all-nighter?” Dick asks smiling at her like he’d approve if she did.
“I was called into work for an emergency and this was what I happened to be wearing,” she says smiling at me. “I was at benefit for Mott’s, it was formal and yes, I’m uncomfortable.”
“Well you should dress up more often,” he says with pure fucking love. “You’re beautiful, Kandy girl.”
“Thanks, dad,” she whispers like she’s embarrassed. Looking up at me her demeanor changes again when she says “I’m sure you’ve figured out I have two men as parents,” she says. “My dads used a surrogate for my brother and me. I’m nice and pasty like Peter, whereas Gage is a golden brown like Dick.”
“We both wanted two,” says Dick. “We had just had Gage with a wonderful surrogate but he wanted a sister. He told us her name would be Kandace with a K. That she would be his best friend and that he would protect her. You’d have to see it for yourself but it was her protecting him. Kandace can be territorial of those she loves. I mean look at her son, she’s the spitting image of Peter and no one gives him shit for good reason.”
Okay, yeah, so she did favor Peter which made sense since he was white as fucking snow. Dick was even darker than I was so talk about a blended family. Kandace wanted to prove a point and she did, it was clear she didn’t see color. I already knew she was territorial and wanted it to be because she cared about me but I knew I gave her no reason to. At a loss to what was happening and why I was included in it, I spoke up. “You two miss the part where I said I just got out of prison? Or you cool with your daughter hanging out with a convicted rapist?”
“So much anger,” Peter comments absently. “Our daughter is a good judge of character and convicted doesn’t always mean guilty, does it son?”
“Kandace never believed it and neither did we,” says Dick winking at his daughter. “She followed your trial and felt you didn’t have a strong enough defense. Being attorneys, we had to agree, Kandace even tried to---“
“Dad please, no.” she whispers with pleading eyes.
“You tried to what Kandace?” I accidently growled. Fuck, I didn’t mean to but she was constantly throwing me for loops.
“I might have petitioned for Peter to take over your defense but---“
“That was you?” I let out on a huge exhale. I remember getting a letter from an attorney asking me if I wanted new representation pro bono but, I figured I was fucked no matter which I went with and threw the letter away. “Were you there when I was sentenced?”
“Guilty,” she shrugs dropping her eyes to her hands.
It didn’t take a genius to pick up on my discomfort and Peter was the first to change the subject. “Did you toss the ball in prison?”
“No.” It was abrupt and I knew it but I still couldn’t believe she showed. I was too afraid, ashamed to turn around in that court room. I didn’t want my grandma to see how scared I was so I faced forward, always.
“Would you like to toss it now?”
“Boy time!” says Dick jumping up. “Kandy girl, grab us some water while we show this boy how it’s done around here.”
“I don’t want to play football,” I growl.
“Yes you do,” says Peter. “It’s written all over your face.”
Fuck, okay so I did want to play football but I was in no condition to play football. “If I play, I could hurt you.”
“If you say so,” Dick says laughing not threatened at all.
“I’m more worried about Kandy girl’s sacks than yours, she’s mean.”
“Uh, guys?” she says waving her arms. “Rome just got out of the hospital this morning. He was my emergency and he’s working through a bruised lung. Rain check on the big game.”
“Oh fine,” Peter pouts. “If we can’t play one let’s watch one.”
So that’s what we did, for hours. With her sitting next to me calling plays and screaming at the refs, it was the best day I’d had in ten years. Even when I fell asleep, she covered me up but never stopped screaming at the TV. I was used to noise when I slept, inside it was never quiet and her voice calmed me enough that I slept deep and without fear.
But that was only because she was close by.
“Don’t you sleep?” he asks sliding his coffee over to me.
“When time permits,” I mumble taking the lid off to steal a sip.
Attempting to slide it back to him, his hand covers mine and he whispers, “keep it.” The contrast of our skin was beautiful and obvious. I couldn’t help but notice his hand was soft which was at odds with the football player.
“You’ve got bags under your eyes, Teach,” he says using his thumb to push on the swollen pocket.
“I know,” I mutter slightly embarrassed. It was sweet that he thought enough of me to care about my lack of sleep. But this was Roman and I really should have known better.
“It makes you look used up.”
“Thanks for noticing my flaws,” I snap. Unfortunately outside of a mean tongue he didn’t have any visible flaws. “It’s too bad we can’t see past the surface to see what’s inside.”
“The hell does that mean?”
“I may look like shit on the outside,” I growl standing up and packing my bag. “But I am fucking gorgeous on the inside but I can’t say the same for you.”
He slept hard.
Helping them make dinner, we caught up on life and work. I was careful when talking about Rome and I because it was new and undefined. No matter what I share with them they never judge, they kept an open mind. If I had my eye on something they trusted me to use my head and supported me, even in my failures. They were also fans of Rome and didn’t see his conviction as an issue any more than I did.
My dads had their own firm and always rooted for the underdog. They believed in justice and knew the system well. They’ve seen it work and in Rome’s case, watched it fail.
With dinner almost done, I sit next to Rome and softly run my fingers down his arm to wake him. Having him here with us for dinner was exciting for me because well, he’s the first I’ve ever brought her
e and for me it meant something.
With a deep exhale, his head lobs toward me and I lean in to look at the flames tattooed around his throat. The outline was thick, the flames angry. This piece spoke of misery fluently. “I was in hell,” he whispers catching my staring. Fighting back the tears, I offer him a small smile but when he says, “I want to see what heaven’s about,” it was the softness of his eyes that made me do it. Leaning in I frame his face in my hands, then slide them down to span his throat and kiss his full lips softly.
“Heaven’s attainable, Rome.”
“I want a shot with you,” he says kissing me this time. His breath was hot and his lips tasted of citrus. Drowning right here on the couch would happen if I didn’t use the common sense I was sometimes known for. But with him I wanted to be reckless only that wouldn’t be good for Rome. Rome needed stability. “You’re heaven to me.”
“Let’s start with friendship,” I offer pulling away even though I’d rather be in his lap.
“Forget it,” he mumbles moving away. Instantly he shut down on me. Tossing the cover off, he doesn’t even say goodbye to my parents as he storms out of the house. Following him out, he ignores me in favor of getting in his car. It was becoming a habit, but this time I sat on the hood of his car and if he drove off, he was taking me with him.
“Get the fuck off my hood,” he yells at me.
“Get the stick out of your ass,” I yell back.
