by K. S. Adkins
“God dammit, doc, I don’t want to be here with you, so get the fuck off.”
“Bullshit,” I argue adjusting the strap of my dress before I lost a boob. “You don’t want to be anywhere but with me, you just become a little bitch when you don’t get your way.”
“I didn’t need the show and tell with your fucking family,” he growls almost standing between my legs. “You had no right asking them to defend me. For all you know I was fucking guilty. Ever think of that, Einstein?”
“What did you just call me?” I growl standing up. Getting in his space I put my index finger in his sore chest so he sees I’m not fucking around. “You know what? I was trying to show you some humans aren’t assholes, some of us are open-minded, we don’t see skin color or judge others.”
“Some of you, huh? You date black guys often then?”
“No, I don’t, but none of that matters to me.”
“Call the NAACP for a charity case, doc,” he grunts opening his door. “I don’t need shit from you.”
That’s when I snapped. Standing between him and his door I get right in his face and scream. “Don’t you ever fucking play the race card with me again, Rome! You don’t want a friend? Fine, then fuck you. It’s obvious you don’t know what you want. When that day comes that you finally do just know I won’t be waiting. I’ve waited ten years too long as it is. You’re on your own, Rome. I’m not the enemy, it’s too bad you can’t see that.” Then slamming the door I was about to head back in to apologize to my parents for his behavior then changed my mind. Pulling his door open I lean in giving him my parting jab hoping it hurt.
“You throw Einstein punches at me like it’s an insult but guess what, Rome? I am a fucking genius, you want to know why? Because the night you said that to me in front of everyone I knew, I fucking knew I’d prove you wrong and I did. You ever cross paths with me again you best watch how you speak to me or I’ll show you the fucking theory of relativity for real when I knock you the fuck out!”
Feeling good about it, I adjusted my straps and walked back inside. I didn’t see his mouth hanging open at my departure because I was too busy holding my emotions in. When I think of what could have been, what I was willing to do to keep it only to be reminded it was never mine to have. I wanted to yell over to the neighbors, “Don’t mind that cracking sound, it was just my heart fracturing…again.”
When we met for our session she never brought football or the latest rumors surrounding me up. When I sat in this chair it was just us and I enjoyed it. Today though, I was in a foul mood after some bitch I’d never even seen before was telling anyone that would listen that I had got her pregnant. She picked up on my mood but didn’t ask questions. I wanted her to so I could have her undivided attention, get her advice.
“It’s none of my business,” she says adjusting her thick frames. She rocked those glasses when anyone else would look like an idiot. “But I’m going to ask you if you’re okay for no other reason than you’re wasting my time with your brooding.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I tell her pretending to look over my notes.
“Right,” she says leaning back in her chair which pushes her big tits out. “So is it true?”
“Is what true?”
“That Tiffany’s pregnant?”
“The bitch’s name is Tiffany?”
“You don’t know the bitch’s name?”
The way she pushed back irritated and excited me. She was always two steps ahead. I wanted her to engage me but not about some bitch I most certainly did not knock up. “I don’t even know your fucking name,” I ground out and before she could hide the hurt my words left, I did. I can’t say she didn’t try because she did, she always tried.
Two days later I was still on edge because I missed the hell out of her and I couldn’t get her words out of my head. When Kandace got pissed she red-lined that shit. The problem was, I couldn’t dispute her anger with me. I deserved all of it and even if I didn’t, I was smart enough not to call her out when she was riled. Honestly, she looked like she wanted to lay me out, which got me hard just thinking about it. Now here was a woman who stood up for herself, I liked it, liked seeing it but had no idea what to do with it. Wanting out of here because the night drug on, I was just grabbing my shit from my locker when I was electrocuted and hit the floor hard. There was no time to yell or fight back. One minute I was standing and the next my face was on the cement while my body malfunctioned.
“You zapped him in the ass, Princess. Nice!” This from Rafe who, I was going to kill.
“It was sporting right?” This from Macy who I couldn’t kill because, I liked her. “I mean he’s scary up close so always go for the sneak attack?”
Coughing and trying to find my balance, I get to my knees and then I see Rafe’s feet. “He’s really gonna be scary when he stands up, Princess,” he says but he sounds like he’s in a tunnel. “The trick is not letting him.” Then like a switch went off I was stunned again. Trying to curl into a ball was impossible and I was positive my brain was melting. All I could do was lie there waiting to die. The pain was intense and my anger about it was off the charts. I didn’t give a fuck if they were just trying to help, zapping my ass wasn’t what I needed, Christ. These two were fucking crazy.
“He doesn’t look so good,” she says kneeling next to me. “Hand me my phone.”
“He’ll be fine,” he says handing it to her anyway. “Jules said he’s tough, I mean look at him. He’s the size of a black truck.”
“It’s a Mack truck and he’s not fine, he’s grabbing his chest!”
“Bruised lung,” I cough out.
“Ain’t no way we bruised your lung, Rome,” he says. “She zapped you in the ass and I tagged you in the neck. She’s tased me twice and I ain’t never been down this long. Probably because my ass is better than yours.”
“No, you fucking idiot, I have a bruised lung.”
“Oh shit shit shit! He had a preexisting condition!” says Macy running from the room. Rafe waits with me mumbling bullshit I didn’t understand then when she comes back in she joins him in looking me over. “Help is on the way,” she says. “Is your chest heavy? How’s your breathing? Tell me your pain level from 1-10, ten being I’m almost dead.”
Ignoring them both because my fucking chest was on fire, I try to think of other things but always come back to my fuck ups with Kandace. When I regained motor control I made sure I didn’t piss myself. That done I stayed on the ground thinking about her. There had to be a key to getting through to her, the trick was finding out what it was.
“You two have got to be fucking kidding me!” I hear and like a dream she was there. “Rome,” she says rolling me onto my side which hurt, a lot. “Breathe easy for me, okay? Can you do that?”
“Kandace, we…” Macy starts.
“We both what?” she yells. “You two geniuses shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions together! Who gave you a taser, Macy, Jesus…”
“I got it on eBay,” she states proudly. “Kandace, come on. He’s trying to get the girl and they all got a go. It was my turn! You know I don’t like being left out!”
I’m pretty sure Macy even stomped her foot but my vision was blurred from the fucking pain.
When her eyes come back to mine the pain there made me forget about my own. She didn’t know she was the girl and I hurt too bad to say anything otherwise.
“The girl,” she whispers sadly. “Right, I mean… it’s always a girl. I should be used to it by now.”
“Doc,” I moan wishing I could reach for her.
For another several minutes she said nothing while she checked me over like a robot was programmed to do. Then standing up she speaks to them, not to me ignoring my existence.
“He’ll be fine but he needs a lot of rest. You’re a nurse and this is your fault, so see to it that he gets it. You’re lucky he didn’t have a seizure, Macy. And as for you, Rafe,” she says staring him down. “Quit encouraging her.”
&
nbsp; “Doc,” I try again.
“I’m done with this, with you.”
Without another word she grabbed her bag and left me.
“I don’t like the way he looks at you, Kandace,” Trina says stealing a french fry.
“What like I’m a bug to be squashed?”
Over these last few weeks I’ve gotten used to him honing in on me in the library and spurning me outside of it.
“No,” she whispers because he was three booths away and oddly enough, alone. “Like he wants to abduct you. You don’t see it but seriously you don’t feel it?”
The truth was, I felt something. His eyes, his judgment and a hint of desperation. None of it made sense to me.
“I have to get to work, but promise me you’ll avoid him,” she pleads.
“I’ll be fine,” I tell her. After she cashes out it, wasn’t a full minute before he slides into the seat across from mine.
“Organic chemistry II,” he says reading my outline. “That’s some serious shit.”
“I’m prepping for the MCAT,” I tell him. “It’s in two months and my grade determines if I get accepted into the pre-med program.”
“MCAT means what?”
“Medical College Admissions Test,” I show him pointing to my folder.
“You’re not just smart you’re stupid smart.”
“That’s not physically possible but yes, I am smart. Hopefully smart enough to get into the program.”
“What kinds of doctor do you want to be?” he asks stealing a french fry.
“I’m focusing on becoming an emergency physician,” I explain. “Every day is different from the first, right? I like variety. What about you? I can’t believe I’ve never asked but what are you majoring in?”
“Is pussy a major?” he asks, laughing. Here we go again with the pussy talk. Anytime I want to know anything about him he flips it over to vaginas.
“I’d rather you tell me it’s none of my business than play games with me, Roman.” I tell him signaling the server for my bill.
Leaning forward he loses his charm and just gets mean, “It’s none of your business, Teach.”
My name was Kandace, not Teach.
Putting my notes away I figured if he can be mean so can I. “That’s cool,” I shrug. “In the future, everything about me is none of your business either. Later, Roman.”
He was trying to get the girl, whatever that meant. The entire scene at Lush made no sense to me and I tried shutting it out. Whoever she was had my envy and my hate. The crush I had held onto all these years broke apart in the locker room when Macy spoke. Even in pain, he looked sorry that I heard about another woman, probably because he knew someone like me never stood a chance with someone like him.
That’s me, always second string and that’s if I ever saw playing time. My looks were average, my height above average and my IQ way above average. For some reason despite being smart, self-sufficient and tons of fun, I was never picked. The days of me making a fool of myself were over. I meant it when I told him I was done. This included friendship too. I was done with all of it. Rome could find another female to be his punchline.
For two days since the wakeup call at Lush I managed to keep myself busy, I needed busy.
I only think about him hourly now which, was progress. Rome felt sorry for me in college and he felt sorry for me now. He didn’t actually want me and he’d made that clear, crystal, like his eyes. He wanted a shot with me, my ass… The next time I received the emergency to come to Lush I’d send someone else in my place. I didn’t want to see if his efforts paid off, I didn’t want to hear if they did and I wanted this hurt to go away. I hardly knew the new Rome but it hurt just the same. It was simply an old wound that never healed that broke wide open all over again.
Bringing him to meet my parents was stupid. Wanting to help him even more so. I screwed up by kissing him. He screwed up by kissing me back because now I’m hooked. Only I was suffering alone because he was a gorgeous man who had been denied female companionship for ten fucking years. Rome wanted to get laid and it wouldn’t be hard for him to do and obviously it wasn’t going to be me. I refused to be a random fuck, refused! That’s when I decided to let it all go. Rome, his eyes, his mouth and the past because we had no future.
At that moment I wanted to sing, needed to.
I had all of this emotion and no place to dump it. Singing was an integral part of me one that needed to be set free or I was at risk of a serious back slide. Since I was a kid, music called to me and I used it to curb my temper and focus. Putting my earphones in, I turn the volume way up and go to town. Singing my guts out to the ever fucked up Lana Del Ray (who gets me) I vacuum, wash the dishes and head outside to water the plants dying on my deck. Turning to fill my can with the hose a second time I saw a huge body, froze, then I used water as a weapon.
Spraying the intruder in the face to disorient him, I keep it aimed there hoping to drown him. Lunging forward my ear buds are ripped out while I fight him off with my hose.
“Kandace, stop!” When the hose was taken from my hands and he came into focus I lost my temper.
“Shit, Rome! Are you lost? Crazy? Have a medical emergency? What is it with you! You don’t sneak up on people!”
“I called your name a dozen times! Why the fuck are you screaming at me and which question did you want answered first?”
“I don’t know!”
“No, I’m not lost, I’m not crazy, there is no emergency but---“
“There’s always a but.”
“Would you let me finish?”
“Proceed,” I snap.
Slowly making his way over, he reaches for me and I step back. Now I’m up against the brick of my house with nowhere to go. Crowding me with our lips inches apart he whispers, “I just…missed you,” before pressing his body fully into mine and fusing our faces together. My arms went around his waist automatically, his arms were braced on either side of my head and even wet he was incredibly warm.
When he gave me his tongue, I accepted it and offered my own. When he ground into me I didn’t say no to that either but responded in kind. With my back against the brick, I wrapped my leg seductively around his calf allowing my hands the freedom to touch him. “I need…” he says first then his hand slides between my legs. Having one hand bracing my neck while the other gets me off, I never took my eyes off of his. Not when he slid his finger inside and not even when I came all over it. But when his hands came together to cup my face and he moaned, I found the strength to break away.
Okay, so he wasn’t lost, there was no emergency but he was clearly crazy. Had to be because Rome didn’t want me as a friend, he didn’t want me period and I didn’t want to be a notch. The fact was if he touched me again, I would be.
“Don’t,” he says leaning back in for more.
“You don’t,” I tell him ducking away to catch my breath. “What are you doing here? What was that? The truth, Rome.”
“You were pissed they tased me,” he says pulling me back to him.
“Of course I was pissed!” Not resisting like I should. “You don’t fucking tase people!”
“Bullshit, you were pissed they tased me.”
“Well yes, because you were already injured.”
“Wrong,” he says with a cocky smile. “You didn’t like seeing me down.”
“No,” I admit loving that smile. “I didn’t like seeing you down.”
“You never wanted bad shit to happen to me, always looking out for me.”
“Yeah well, I’m trying to score points with Jesus.”
“I should have told you how I felt, Kandace.”
“You can’t change the past.”
“If I could, the night you showed up I would have danced with you, talked to you and---“
“What? Fuck and discard me like the rest?”
“No,” he whispers resting his forehead on mine. “Left with you, protected you. Made a fucking life with you.”
The
sincerity and regret undid me. Right then and there I knew no matter what bullshit I’ve had was nothing compared to his. “Be my friend, Kandace,” he asks. “If that’s all you’ll give me, I’ll take it.”
“My friends don’t usually show up and finger-fuck me on a brick wall, Rome.” God, I’ll never forget that either. “I can’t be that kind of friend, I don’t want that kind of friend.”
“That wasn’t why I came---“
“No,” I counter. “I did.”
“No one has ever affected me like you do,” he says moving in closer. “You liked my hands on you, needed them on you. You want it again too, I can see it.”
“Who’s the girl then?” I ask while our eyes are locked. “The one Macy said you were trying to get?”
“You.”
“Me?”
“It’s always been you.”
“Oh,” I mumble. “Can you please explain to me what I have to do with being tased?”
“Not today,” he says taking his shirt off and oh man, right then I loved my hose, I might even have it bronzed.
“Fuck,” I moan looking at the ink that spans his huge chest and crawls up to his neck. “Be your friend, yeah okay. Is this a friends with benefits thing or---”
His laugh snapped me out of it followed by his question. “You got a dryer I could use?”
“A dryer?”
“For my clothes, doc,” he says pointing at the puddle he’s standing in.
“Yeah, I’ve got a dryer, it works and everything,” I mutter stupidly then show him indoors. In my kitchen I watched Rome undress down to his boxers and almost cried when I saw they were dry. Handing me his wet jeans and t-shirt I couldn’t help but look south to see the tent he was pitching. Figures his boxers would be dry when right then my panties were soaking wet.
I made it a habit to find her hangouts. Lucky for me they consisted of three places, the library, the Coney Island and that fucker Sydney’s apartment. Tonight I cancelled my plans with my boys to seek her out only she was in none of her usual spots. Taking a chance she might have went back to the library, I catch her friend (the one who clearly hates me) walking out.
