Sweetness

by S Gonzalez

  “Fucking sonuvabitch,” Rocco yells, pushing past them. I hear him hit the side of the bus, thus forcing Chris to follow him. Dominic’s shocked eyes lock on mine. Justin steps between Julie and me, probably trying to save his sister from the ass whooping she deserves.

  “You’re lying. He told me what a lying whore you are-“ Julie screams as she reaches past Justin to grab at me but Justin holds her out of arms reach as I try the same.

  “Shut up, Julie. Just shut the hell up. She’s not lying,” Justin defends. I see Dominic blink for the first time since my confession. His eyes narrow and look past me to his best friend.

  “How do you know that?” Dominic asks, puffing up his chest, “You knew all this? You knew about this and you didn’t say anything to me? The fuck man?”

  I can’t be here.

  The small space is swallowing me whole.

  I can’t breath in here.

  Panic.

  He knows.

  I screwed up.

  He knows.

  I push past Dominic and out the bus doors. I can hear Justin screaming my name but I don’t turn back. Dominic’s yelling at Justin but with the blood rushing to my head, I can’t hear anything but the wind rushing past me as I dart off in an unknown direction.

  Thank god the venue is deserted except for us and some roadie vans because everyone in earshot heard that scene no doubt. I don’t really know where I am going but I know I need to put as much distance between me and that bus. I run to a grassy area on the far edge of the parking lot. The small oasis between the parking lot and the highway is covered by trees that will hide me.

  I fall to the ground, gasping for air as the last ten minutes of my life play over in my head. He knows. He knows the truth and he is going to think I am disgusting and tainted. I am disgusting and tainted. I have to get out of here. I have to leave and go home. Home, where I’m safe.

  I pull my knees up to my chest and lean against one of the trees that make the area cooler from the shade. I reach into my pocket for my phone so I can call Wanda. She will know what to do. She will help me get through this. I dial her number and it goes straight to voicemail.

  I can’t handle all these emotions. Anger and fear are just the tip of the iceberg. It is the sudden feeling of mourning that has me a bubbling mess. Mourning for a man that I know I’ve lost; for a man that will never want me now.

  “Max.” Yes, Max. He’ll help me.

  “Hello, beautiful,” he greets, causing silent tears to break into full-blown sobs. “Emma, what’s wrong?” His voiced is laced with panic but I can’t calm down long enough to speak. “Emma, sweetie, talk to me, what happened. It will be okay. Whatever it is, you will be okay.

  “H-h-e k-k-knows,” is all I can squeeze out through my sobs.

  “Who knows what? Dominic? Does

  he?…About?…Shit. Emma it’s okay. It will be okay, I promise. Where are you?”

  Max’s voice is comforting. I really wish him and Wanda were here with me. He doesn’t push for answers. He just keeps telling me that everything will be alright. I can’t get the image of Dominic’s haunted face out of my head. He was shocked at this revelation, sure, but there was something else. I knew once he found out this would be the end for us. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon.

  “Honey, where are you. Where is Dominic? What happened?”

  “He is on the bus. Julie and I got into and argument. He heard us fighting and it just slipped out. He knows what happened Max. It’s over. We’re over,” I mutter as a fresh set of tears builds up in my eyes.

  “Is that what he said? He broke up with you because of this? Fucker.”

  “No. He didn’t say anything. I ran off before he could talk to me, but I saw it in his eyes. He doesn’t love me. How could he possibly love me now that he knows how disgusting I am?”

  “Emma, where are you? I don’t want you to be alone. Come home.”

  After a long pause something in me clicks. I can’t go home. I can’t run away from my job, from the band. I have to see this tour through. I will do what I always do. Survive. At least until we hit Seattle.

  I sniff through the tears and wipe my nose with the back of my hand. I don’t want Max to worry about me. It was unfair of me to call him; I need to deal with my own problems. I am a big girl and I need to handle this. I have gotten thought worse on my own. I will myself to hold back the tears. I am in control. I will not let this control me. “I am in control,” I say to myself silently, over and over again.

  “I’m fine, Max. I am going to go to a hotel or something tonight and figure out what to do next, but I can’t leave. I have a job to do. I can’t just quit because things went bad with Dominic and me. Everyone is counting on me. I need to see this through.” I state with as much conviction as I can muster under the

  circumstances. I can’t quit now. There is too much riding on me doing this. I won’t give Gabe the satisfaction of saying ‘I told you so’.

  “Fine, just call me when you settle in to your hotel. If you need anything I want you to call me right away. I don’t care what time it is. I will come out to California and kick his stupid ass myself if I have to. None of this is your fault so don’t let him make you feel otherwise. You are strong. You can get through this, I know you can.”

  Screeching tires in the distance grabs my attention and I see a black SUV driving toward me. I immediately settle back against the tree and pull my feet up into my chest; trying to make myself as small as possible. I have no idea who is in the car, but if it’s Dominic I don’t want to talk to him right now.

  “I will Max. I have to go. I will call you later tonight.”

  “Okay. You call me, do you hear me,” he demands.

  “Yes, bye.” I hang up the phone just as the SUV stops at the edge of the grass and the passenger side door swings open. Justin pops out and puts his hand on his brow like a visor to block out the sun. When he spots me he takes a sigh of relief as I cower in the shadows.

  “Jesus, girl. You are like a fucking gazelle. One second I see you running, then by the time I get off the bus, you’re gone,” he jokes as he approaches. Justin sits on the grass next to me and hands me a bottle of water. When I look up to take it my eyes meet his. He looks off in the distance to where the bus is still parked. “I’m sorry about Julie. You didn’t need that.”

  “It’s fine. He would have found out eventually.”

  “Yea, but that wasn’t the way. I think he is more pissed that I knew and didn’t tell him. He just slammed the door to his room and didn’t say a word after you ran off. Just give him time to absorb it all. He’ll be fine.”

  I stand and wipe grass from my butt. “I’m going to a hotel. I am not staying with you guys. I have caused enough trouble and there is a lot riding on this promo tour. You all have worked too hard to have this domestic bullshit get in the way now.”

  Justin bends and lowers his head to meet my eye line. I look anywhere but at him because I know if I do, the tears will come again and I need to be strong. “Emma, Dominic loves you and you love him. You didn’t do anything wrong, so if he is pissed off at you for this, then he is not the man I thought he was. You both need to cool off, then talk this through.”

  “I know, and we will. Eventually. But for now, I am going to a hotel to take a shower and figure out what to do next. I can fly out ahead, to the next destination or just meet you in Seattle early since you really don’t need me for the rest of the Cali stuff. I have some stuff to do for Bumbershoot so-“

  “Don’t leave! Just stay. We will figure something out. I don’t want you to be alone.”

  “Oh, she won’t be alone,” bellows Rocco’s deep voice from behind the SUV. “I booked a suit at a hotel nearby. It has two bedrooms so we can all fit. It is too damn hot to sleep on that bus anyway. If Dom wants to sulk in there then he can go right ahead, but I’m going to the hotel.”

  Rocco and Chris stand with Justin and I. A small smile tugs on my lips as these hard ass rocke
rs try to comfort little ol’ me. It is very nice of him to do that, but these are Dominic’s friends and bandmates. I don’t want to cause any friction between them.

  “That’s sweet guys really, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t want to cause any problems with you and Dom. I will just get my own room.”

  Christ puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a sad smile. “Remember what I said last week.”

  “You like girls?” I laugh.

  “NOOOO, before the interview,” he says with mock indignation as he puts me in a headlock then gives me a nuggie. “I told you, you are one of us. I meant it. You’re like the annoying little sister I never wanted.”

  “Gee thanks. But seriously, I will probably be bad company.”

  “If I know anything about girls it’s that they drown their sorrows in carbs, while us guys drown ours in booze. So doll, pick your poison. Pizza and ice cream or whiskey and beer. Ladies choice,” Rocco questions. When my eyes dart to Justin and Chris, they nod in approval.

  “Fine, booze it is. But I have to get my bag from the bus.”

  “All taken care of. Bags are in the car,” Chris says matter of factly.

  “Really? Then Dom knows where I am going and he didn’t care?”

  “I didn’t ask. He watched me pack your bag and didn’t say a word. Julie however, did ask and I told her that we were going to a hotel and that she wasn’t invited. I didn’t think you wanted to deal with her right now,” Rocco says as he opens the car door and shoos me in.

  The short ride to the hotel was filled with Chris and Justin telling dirty jokes and Rocco grimacing into his phone. He silenced it shortly after we left so I wouldn’t hear it constantly vibrating, but his eyes never left the screen until we pulled up to the hotel.

  The suite that Rocco booked is at a very popular, Los Angeles hotel. I’m sure it cost a small fortune. It has two bedrooms, private bathrooms, a living room, a full kitchen, and a killer media setup. When Rocco checked us in, the concierge took one look at us and explained that any damage would be fully accounted for, to which Rocco’s reply was, “That’s fine. As long as when the hookers and live animals arrive you point them in our direction.” I was sure they were going to kick us out right then and there. But always the adult with these clowns, I assured him we’re harmless.

  “So, this is my first slumber party. What do we do first? Paint our nails, watch sad movies, shave our legs, what?” Chris asked as he plopped on the sofa and turned on the TV.

  “You sure you like girls?” Justin asks, earning him a flipping of the bird.

  “You guys do what you want. I am going to hit the showers. Lets order some food though. I don’t really want go out but if you what to, feel free. I was serious when I said I don’t mind being alone.” I was hoping they would get the hint but as soon as I said food, Rocco was placing a room service order.

  I take my bag into my room and plug in my charger, to charge my now dead phone. Turning on the bath and filling the exceptionally large tub, I get a wee bit excited to actually take a soak. Thank god for little pleasures like an actual bathtub. That tight, cramped, little bus is starting to get on my nerves.

  As I sink into the hot, bubbly water I start to relax and think about what I am going to do now that, Dominic knows the truth about Glen. He can’t possibly be mad at me, can he? I didn’t do anything wrong. I know I should have told him, but I wasn’t ready. Justin thinks Dominic is pissed off because he knew and Dominic didn’t, but I didn’t tell Justin, he figured it out. I am not in the wrong here.

  And Julie, she better damn well stay clear of me. If she wants to believe Glen is not a disturbed individual then that’s on her, but she needs to keep herself in check with me. I won’t let her talk about me and call me a whore. It took a long time for me to believe that what happened wasn’t my fault. No one deserves the torture that Glen imposed on me. I will be damned if I have come all this way to have her get me to believe otherwise, again. I dealt with the pain and agony of walking that road alone when I was just sixteen. No one to turn to, no one to hold my hand and tell me it would all be okay. But now I do. I am not alone any more. I have Wanda, Max, and even the band in my corner…except Dominic. No doubt, Julie is filling his head with all kinds of lies about me by now. Knowing how Dominic always sees the best in Glen, he will probably believe her, too.

  My heart hurts knowing that this may very well be the end of our story. I don’t know where we go from here or how we fix this. I just have to keep doing my job until I go back home and figure my life out. A life, possibly without Dominic in it.

  Could I do that? Could I lose the one man I have ever loved and just move on? I knew that at one point or another it would come to this. It would eventually have to come to an end. I mean, come on, I have a stable job in New York and he is a rock star that will be on tour most of the time. It would have never worked out long term. I love him but I have to realize that this all happened so fast and it was bound to fizzle when real life set it. We just got caught up in the moment and rushed this too quickly? This was just one of those things you tell your grandchildren about one day. Right?

  Who am I kidding? I have loved him since the day I walked into that coffee shop and saw him for the first time. I loved him when we would look up at the stars and he would tell me all about his hopes and dreams of becoming a rock star. I loved him when he would kiss me against the tree near the school in the middle of the night while our friends did God knows what in a dirty van. And I definitely loved him when I saw him again in New York. This was our second chance, a chance to see if we could get it right. But I guess love just isn’t enough when the universe is plotting against you.

  I get out of the tub, as the water turns cold. I check my phone for messages but sadly there are none. I text Max, telling him I’m fine and at a hotel. I don’t get a reply from him either. Once I am dressed in yoga pants and a t-shirt I join the guys for food and booze. Heavier on the booze.

  “So how did you guys all meet? I know what you tell people in interviews, you grew up together, but seriously how did the band come together.”

  “Well, Dominic and I have known each other since I moved here when I was seven,” Justin commented.

  Rocco chimes in. “Nancy and Jason adopted Chris and I when I was about twelve. To keep us out of trouble, Jason insisted we do something constructive with our time so we all picked an instrument and took lessons.”

  “Jason and Nancy?” I question.

  “Yea, Dom’s parents. Chris and I were in the same shitty foster home and one night after I got caught trying to boost a car, our foster father beat the living shit out of me. Chris tried to stop him and got his ass kicked, too. Nancy was the nurse on call at the hospital that night. She told us she had a son about our age. Once she looked over our files she saw it was not our first ER visit. A week or so later she came by the group home we were transferred to. Dom and Jason came, too. We all hit it off and they adopted us. Saved our sorry asses from that shithole. Don’t know where we would be without them.”

  “Wow. I didn’t know.” I look over to Christ who now has his head down picking at the label on his beer. “They sound like good people.”

  “They’re the best,” Chris answered urgently while taking a long pull of his beer.

  I give Chris a tight smile. He is the most timid of the bunch. I could tell that life did him wrong a time or two, but I had no idea how bad it was.

  Without any more being said about it, we eat junk food, drink, and watch movies before passing out around midnight.

  The next morning I wake up to a tapping on the door. “What?” I mumble.

  “Wake up sleepy head. We are leaving but you can stay as long as you want. I booked you a regular room here if you want to stay, my credit card can’t handle another night in this suite,” Rocco laughs.

  I sit up straight and watch as Rocco sits on the side of my bed. “Thanks, Roc. I think I will, but I’ll pay for it. I am going to stay. After the show t
omorrow in LA, I will head out to Bakersfield for the next gig. I’ll be gone before you guys get there. I think it’s best if we all just breathe for a bit. Bumbershoot is in three weeks. You guys don’t have any real appearances until San Francisco the week before so I will just go on ahead and make sure everything is set. I really appreciate you all looking after me, but I need you to focus on the band. That’s what we are all here for. This is your chance to make it big. I don’t want Glen, or me, or Dominic, to get in the way of that. You have all worked too hard to screw it up now.” Rocco’s expression is unreadable but I know he is struggling with something. I don’t ask him because I need him to keep his head in the game and keep everyone on track while I am not around.

  “Thanks, Emma, but can you just come to the show tonight. You can come after we are on stage and leave before we are done with our set but…just come see us. Please, for me,” he asks while giving me sad puppy dog eyes. It is very odd to see a large bulky man, covered in piercings and tattoos, looking at me like he is.

  “Fine, but just for your set. I really don’t want to cause a scene. There are no band meet and greets tonight because it is such a small venue so I can slip in and out.”

  “Thanks. Just knowing you will be there is enough. I really do have to get going but I will see you later.”

  With that the burly, pierced, tattooed drummer walks out of my room. Chris’s words keep ringing through my head, “you are one of us.”

  Maybe that is why we click so well. Chris, and Rocco, and I are all survivors. I don’t need to know their stories to know that life hasn’t been easy for them. But they did it, just like I did. They proved to the world that if you come out swinging, it would all be worth it in the end. Makes me happy that they consider me one of them now, in more ways then one.