Hidden Blessings

by Kim Cash Tate

  He ran to her. “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t . . . move my neck.” She stared straight ahead. “It hurts really bad when I try to move an inch.”

  Lance stared, feeling helpless. “It just came out of the blue?”

  “The last few days it’s been hurting. Like muscle soreness. But when I woke up this morning, it stopped me cold.” She tried to shift a little and cried out in pain.

  “Let’s take some pain medication,” Lance said.

  “I did,” she said. “A half hour ago.”

  “Okay,” Lance said. “We’re going to the hospital.”

  Lance got Kendra out of bed and helped her dress, praying as she cried out at the slightest movement. Other than the immediate aftermath of surgery, he’d never seen her in this much pain. In the car he called Dr. Contee, who sounded concerned, confirming that Kendra needed to get to the hospital.

  Lance parked in the circular drive at emergency and carried her in. Before the woman at the desk could even ask him a question, he blurted out, “My wife’s a cancer patient, on radiation, can’t move her neck, in severe pain . . . please, can someone help her?”

  The woman got some additional information. “Be right back, sir.”

  “Lance, I’m scared,” Kendra moaned. “It really hurts.” She kept her head stock-still in his arms.

  “I know, baby,” he whispered. “I know.”

  Her tears, the look of fear, made him desperate to help her himself. Where did the woman go? Someone somewhere in this place could help Kendra. Where were they?

  A gurney rolled through the double doors moments later, and Kendra was taken from his arms and positioned on it.

  “Can I come with her?” Lance asked. “I’m her husband.”

  “We’ll let you know when you can come back, sir,” they said.

  Lance moved his car to the garage and then paced the waiting area, asking more than once for an update and for permission to join his wife.

  Finally, almost an hour later, a nurse escorted him back to one of the rooms. Kendra was hooked to an IV, her head angled to the side, which she hadn’t been able to do before. Her eyes looked anxious still.

  “Is that pain medicine?” Lance asked, pulling up a chair next to her bed.

  Kendra nodded. “It’s helping a lot.”

  “What’d they say?”

  “They gave me a CT scan. Now I have to wait for the results.”

  “What do they think caused the pain?”

  “They didn’t say,” Kendra said, “but I could tell they were worried.” Tears came again. “It’s not good, Lance. I know it’s not good.”

  “Shh . . .” Lance took her hand, heart rate on double time. “One step at a time. Thank God they gave you something effective for the pain.”

  “Why did this have to happen on Christmas Eve?” Kendra stared at their hands. “I was excited about having a Christmas where we didn’t have to think about doctors and hospitals and illness. I really wanted that.”

  “Me too, baby,” Lance said. “And we may yet have that. Hopefully they’ll send us home, saying, ‘We don’t know what happened, but the scan is clear.’ ”

  After several hours, Lance and Kendra walked into the house. Marlon and Trey were in the kitchen cooking, where Lance had planned to be today.

  Marlon looked curiously at them. “You two must’ve done some last-minute shopping after radiation. We tried to call, but I guess your phones were off.”

  Lance had wanted to call them from the ER, but Kendra wanted to wait until they knew something. Then she didn’t want to talk at all, not even to him.

  “I just . . . need to go up,” Kendra said, heading for the stairs.

  “We’ll be back,” Lance told them.

  He saw their confused faces, but he had to be with Kendra. Lance followed her into the bedroom, where she stood staring at a miniature tree he’d gotten for the dresser. They’d decorated it with miniature ornaments they’d chosen together. Kendra turned on the lights and watched them blink.

  Lance sat on the bed several minutes, head in his hand, not knowing what to say. If he had to be honest, he was mad at God. It was Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. If He wouldn’t give them the miracle—if she wouldn’t be completely healed—couldn’t He at least give them this? He’d prayed so fervently for a Christmas they could enjoy, a Christmas where normal was within reach, like their trip to Pensacola Beach. He wanted Kendra laughing, snapping pictures, enjoying family.

  God, why? Why couldn’t You give us that?

  Lance looked at Kendra, almost catatonic by the tree. This was one of those difficult days Marlon talked about on their wedding day, when they needed to remember that God is faithful. It was a day Lance needed grace for himself as well as Kendra. Lord, we need You. We desperately need You.

  The Christmas gift came to mind, and Lance rose suddenly and went downstairs to get it. When he returned, he handed it to her.

  Still in front of the tree, Kendra looked at him. “What’s this?”

  “Your Christmas present,” he said. “Go ahead and open it.”

  She tore off the colorful Christmas paper and opened the oblong box inside.

  “Lance . . .” Tears spilled as if a dam had broken, a new one. Her fingers shook as she lifted a bracelet, reading each charm. “My refuge, my fortress, my God . . .” Her entire body shook now as she entered his arms, sobbing. “It’s so hard to see God that way when I’m dying. All I want is to live with you forever . . .”

  Lance wanted to be strong for her, but his tears fell hard too. He needed God to be his refuge and fortress.

  “You’re not dying,” Lance said. “It’s a setback, but—”

  “Lance, the cancer is spreading, that fast. Two months without chemo, and it’s in my neck again.” She blew out a breath. “I knew it was aggressive. I’ve read where it happened to countless women, just like this. But I hoped.”

  Lance clung to her as if he dared anyone to pry him loose. “I hoped too, Ken.” He swiped his face. “I said on our wedding day that I would trust God with all of our days, but I won’t lie. I’m struggling right now. I wanted the miracle. I wanted you to stay cancer-free.”

  He held her, trying to make sense of it all, finally leading her to the bed, where they sat on the edge.

  “I guess, Ken,” he said, “if God is a refuge, this is when we find out how much of a refuge. This is when we find out the strength of the fortress.” Emotion stuttered his speech. “You know what?” He gently tipped her chin. “Today, we have one another. Today, you’re here in my arms. Today, I can look into your beautiful brown eyes and say, ‘I love you with everything that’s in me.’ ”

  Kendra’s watery eyes were fixed on his.

  “If I don’t live fully in today”—Lance paused, trying to keep it together—“I’ll go out of my mind.”

  Kendra clutched him and held him, then slowly pulled back, holding up her bracelet. “Can you put this on for me?”

  Lance wrapped it around her wrist and fastened the clasp.

  She read each of the charms again, then looked at him. “Tomorrow is still Christmas.”

  He sighed, nodding. “And as God gives us breath, we’ll live fully on that day of all days, celebrating Christ . . . our hope.”

  CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX

  July

  A GORGEOUS RUSSET SUNSET ENVELOPED THE OSAGE BEACH SKY. From a chaise under the gazebo, Kendra aimed her camera at it and the shimmer of the lake beneath, and got the shot. The camera felt like lead now, too heavy to lug around. But at times like this—in nature, by the water, under an open sky—she kept it near.

  Kendra scrolled through the pictures on the back of the camera, enjoying them all over. She’d managed to shoot a lot this week, mostly family shots. They’d driven two hours to the Lake of the Ozarks on Tuesday—she, Lance, Marlon, Trey, and Brooklyn. No one said it, but it was a last hurrah. Time for them all to gather, laugh, relax. Time with Kendra.

  The cancer had spread furt
her, lately to her bones. She’d had to stop radiation months ago and return to weekly chemo. But her body wasn’t responding adequately to the drugs. They weren’t prolonging her life to the extent they’d hoped.

  “Ohhh! You killed that one!”

  Kendra looked over, smiling at the fun. They’d rented a home on the lake with a gazebo, fire pit, deck near the seawall, and lots of grass to run and play. Trey, Lance, and Brooklyn had played Frisbee earlier. But Molly and Timmy had shown up, and now they’d moved to the volleyball net. They hadn’t thought about it when they chose this vacation spot, but what a treat when they realized they wouldn’t be far from Molly’s home, where she’d gone after graduation.

  Lance and Trey had their game faces on, waiting for Timmy’s serve. “He’s gonna serve it long,” Trey said. “Get back.”

  The ball sailed over the net, and Lance set it to Trey, who spiked it—but Molly got under it and hit it back over, to their surprise.

  Timmy cupped his mouth. “And score another point for Molly and Timmy.”

  Brooklyn looked at Lance and Trey, shaking her head. “They’re pretty much killing you guys.”

  Marlon rejoined Kendra with two twelve-ounce plastic cups. “I made us some delicious smoothies,” he said.

  “You’re just . . . trying to get something in me.” Kendra’s speech was slower at times, when it was hard to catch a breath.

  “You caught me,” he said.

  Obliging him, Kendra took a short sip. She had little appetite. Mostly she wanted to sleep.

  “Dad,” she said.

  Marlon looked at her.

  “You’ve done so much for Lance and me. We haven’t had to worry about a mortgage and so much else . . . Thank you sounds so lame, but I am . . . so thankful.”

  “You and Lance have thanked me enough,” Marlon said, “and I don’t need thanks anyway. You’re my daughter. Don’t you know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you?”

  “But after the way I treated you,” Kendra said. “I didn’t even invite you to my wedding to Derek.” It grieved her when she thought of it. “It was so wrong.”

  “We’re not spending a single second revisiting that,” Marlon said. “And I know you sure don’t want to think about ol’ what’s-his-name.”

  Kendra laughed inside.

  Marlon stared at the water. “I didn’t realize how little I’d seen you over the last decade. Time flies so fast.”

  Kendra looked at him, wishing she could go back and spend more time with her mom and dad.

  “But the times we’ve spent these last months . . .” Marlon looked over at her. “These have been the sweetest of our lives.”

  She felt it deeply. “You really think so?”

  “I know so,” Marlon said. “We had time. And by the grace of God, we made the most of that time.” He groaned a little. “Forgive me, sweetheart. I hate that I just said that in past tense. I could kick myself.”

  “It’s okay, Daddy,” Kendra said. “I only heard the heart behind it.” She reached for his hand. “I’m so glad you came back to the States when you did . . . so glad God gave us this time, even this week. It’s been incredible.”

  Brooklyn came over to the gazebo. “Can you believe they’re playing another volleyball game?” she asked. “Lance and Trey think they’ll win one if they keep playing one more.”

  Kendra winked. “Molly’s too good for them.”

  Brooklyn lay beside her on the chaise. “I wish you could play with us.”

  “Me too, sweetheart.” Kendra smiled at her. “But it’s fun to watch.”

  “But . . . I know you’re sick and . . . sometimes, I get really scared.”

  Kendra looked at her. “Why do you get scared, Brookie?”

  “Because you might die. And I’d be really sad.” Brooklyn fisted a tear away.

  Kendra closed her eyes. Lord, help me. I don’t want to break down in front of her.

  “Brooklyn,” Marlon said, “you know how we talked about Jesus and how we can live with Him forever?”

  Brooklyn nodded, looking down.

  “When Jesus lives in our hearts,” Marlon said, “we don’t have to be scared of dying. Do you know why?”

  “Because we go to be with Him?” Brooklyn asked.

  “That’s right,” Marlon said.

  Brooklyn turned to Kendra. “Does Jesus live in your heart?”

  Kendra looked at her, eyes smiling. “He sure does, sweetie.”

  “Are you scared to die?” Brooklyn asked.

  Kendra thought about it. “I’d be sad, because of you and Dad and Lance and Trey . . . but I won’t be scared.” She was thankful she could say it and mean it. “I could never be scared, not when I’ll get to see Jesus.”

  She was thankful to have that hope. That’s the hope she’d been dwelling on.

  Excitement was building for fireworks over the lake. They’d heard the show was spectacular, and they had a front-row seat. The guys had even gone inside to rustle up snacks for the occasion.

  Kendra had taken a short nap and was now back out on the deck, under a blanket to ward off the chill. The back door opened. She glanced up and smiled.

  “Hey, you,” Molly said.

  “Come sit next to me,” Kendra said.

  “Uh-oh.” Molly eased herself into the chair. “Timmy told me you had a few words for him earlier. I feared my time was coming.”

  Kendra wanted to laugh, but her laughing muscles hurt. She smiled a lot, mostly with her eyes. “You look great, by the way,” she said.

  Molly tousled her hair. “So, yeah, I thought I’d give my natural color a go. Mousy brown is so blah.” She added quickly, “But hey, I do like it better than blond.”

  “You look beautiful, Molly.” Kendra eyed her. “I bet Timmy thinks so too.”

  “I knew that was coming.”

  Kendra smiled. “Tell me about it.”

  “Well . . .” Molly stared out at the water. “Right before graduation, I don’t know what happened . . . It was like, we talked more, about real things. And he started calling. And when he suggested coming down today so we could hang out with y’all on the Fourth, I actually got . . . excited.” She looked at Kendra. “Extremely weird, huh?”

  “Molly, it’s okay,” Kendra said. “You want to protect yourself. But do it. Give yourself permission to love him.”

  “That I didn’t see coming.” She pulled her knees up to her chest. “Why would you say that? What makes you think I love him?”

  “I know you. I’ve watched you two.” Kendra paused. “Timmy loves you too. And if I’ve learned anything, real love is special, and you can’t waste time being afraid of it.”

  The back door opened and clapped shut again. Trey sat down by them with his Doritos bag. He crunched a chip, then looked at them. “Is it just me, or is this a really solemn vibe?”

  “Your sister says I love Timmy.”

  “And this is news?” Trey popped another chip into his mouth.

  Molly took a chip from his bag and threw it at him.

  “Ah, the man himself,” Trey said, glancing up as Timmy walked out onto the deck.

  “Molly,” Timmy said, “I don’t want to be too forward, but I wondered if . . . given the beautiful night and the fireworks to come, you might want to go for a walk . . .” He cleared his throat. “With me.”

  Kendra and Trey looked at Molly, and she narrowed her eyes back at them.

  Turning to Timmy, she said, “That might actually be nice.”

  “They make me smile,” Kendra said as Molly and Timmy walked away. “And you make me smile.”

  Trey kicked back in the seat. “Where did the last part come from?”

  Once again, Kendra fought to rein in her emotions. It was one of those days. She had them lately, when she needed to express what was on her heart.

  Kendra looked at her brother, already losing the battle. “You are such a special person, Marlon Woods III. The hand of God is upon you in such a real way.”

 
He put the chip back in the bag. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

  She took her time. “The way you’re praying to embrace singleness. I know it’s not easy. Even though you never saw yourself getting married, you have to get lonely. And yet, I’m seeing you grow so close to God as you work all of this out in your heart. You inspire me.”

  Trey blew out a breath. “You just blindsided me.” He looked at his sister. “I wasn’t expecting that. It means a lot.”

  “I’ve never told you this,” Kendra said, “but watching you has helped me on my own journey.”

  He frowned. “How?”

  “You live with an awareness that this life is not meant to be our best life. What’s that passage you like to quote?”

  “From 2 Corinthians?” He nodded. “I had to memorize it to encourage myself. It says, ‘Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison—’ ”

  Kendra finished it for him. “ ‘—while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.’ ”

  “You memorized it too?” Trey asked.

  “Memorizing Scripture gives me strength . . . and keeps me sane.” She focused on him. “But, Trey, that’s how you live. You fix your hope on what’s to come, on the eternal. And your example helped me do the same.”

  “You . . .” Trey pointed at his sister, his eyes glazed. “You’ve helped me understand what it is to truly live with suffering. When I lapse into self-pity, I look at you and the way you’ve endured. I know God’s grace is sufficient because I’ve seen it in you.”

  Kendra dissolved into tears. “Come here, boy.”

  He knelt beside her chaise, and they embraced.

  “You’re the best sister in the world. I love you, Ken.”

  “I love you too, Trey.”

  Moments later, Lance, Marlon, and Brooklyn came out with a tray filled with goodies, including freshly popped popcorn.