Hidden Blessings

by Kim Cash Tate

  The first fireworks shot into the night, whistling, bursting with beauty.

  “Whoa!” Brooklyn ran to the edge of the deck, looking skyward. “Did you see that?”

  Lance nestled next to Kendra. “How you feeling, babe?”

  She didn’t have to ponder. “It’s been one of the best days ever.”

  CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN

  October

  LANCE LAY AWAKE ON HIS SIDE, WATCHING KENDRA SLEEP. MOST nights she was the one awake, in pain and often in tears, trying to find respite. But right now she seemed peaceful. He traced her eyebrows growing in once again. They’d made the decision to stop chemo seven weeks ago. It was too painful, with no measurable offset. Kendra craved a better quality of life, for however much longer God would give her.

  And thankfully, He’d given them a one-year anniversary—and the sweetest time together. To celebrate, they played their wedding song, “I Can Only Imagine,” and danced in their bedroom. Holding her, swaying with her, feeling her arms around him . . . He memorized every bit of it, taking none of their moments for granted.

  Like now. He wanted to remember what it was like to lie beside her, to watch her chest rise and fall as she slept and the way her bottom lip sometimes moved.

  Kendra exhaled slightly, and her eyes opened. She looked around, seeming confused.

  “I’m here, baby,” Lance said. “You okay?”

  Kendra looked at him, then glanced around again. “I guess . . . I was dreaming.”

  “What was it about?” he asked.

  “It felt like . . . I was in heaven.” Her breathing was labored. “I was walking . . . normal . . . and twirling, like . . . dancing. Happy.”

  “That’s what’s coming,” he said. “No pain. No sickness. Just . . . joy.”

  “It seemed like . . . it’s coming . . . now. Like . . . it’s time.”

  Her words landed deep in his gut. He’d known this moment would come, but he wasn’t ready. He’d never be ready. Lord, not now. And yet I don’t want her to keep suffering.

  Lance caressed her face. “God gave you to me as a treasure, to have, to hold, to love, and I’m so grateful.” His heart had never ached like this. “You couldn’t be more precious to me. You couldn’t be a better wife and friend. I couldn’t be more madly in love with you.”

  Kendra gazed into his eyes. “I don’t know why God . . . loved me so much . . . that He’d give me His Son, and then . . . give me you.” She worked to get a breath. “Lance, God gave us this time . . . and even though it’s my time to go . . .”

  Stop saying that. Lance let the tears flow.

  “. . . it’s not yours.” Kendra touched his face. “Baby, keep letting God . . . use you . . . to love. His well in you . . . is deep.” She coughed away a nasty rattling sound. “I’m saying it whether . . . you like it or not . . . You are . . . amazing. I hope I loved you . . . half as much . . . as you loved me.”

  Kendra coughed again, her chest lifting slightly from the bed. And when she exhaled, her head fell softly to the side.

  Lance brought her to himself. “Kendra?” Oh, God . . . “Kendra?”

  The grief contracted from deep within, rippling through his gut. Lance rocked with her in his arms, sobbing, needing the sound of her voice once more, the light in her eyes. How could she be gone? Just like that? How could their life together be over?

  Lance stayed there, Kendra in his arms, sadness washing over him in a flood of memories. But with the memories, he was hearing a soundtrack. With one arm, he reached for his phone on the nightstand and played the song—“I Can Only Imagine.”

  Now it was the words to the song washing over him, and the realization that he was the only one left imagining. Kendra no longer needed to. She knew what it was like to see Jesus, to be surrounded by His glory.

  Fresh tears flowed—tears of grief still, but also tears of joy. He held her body, her diseased body, but Kendra was with the Lord. He laid her gently down and moved out of bed, getting down on his knees.

  Lord, she was Your treasure before she was mine. You love her more than I ever could. Thank You for allowing me to love her for a short while. He exhaled hard, trying to get out from under the tears. Thank You for giving me such a gift in my lifetime.

  CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT

  May Seven months later

  LANCE STOOD IN THE DESIGNATED PRAYER ROOM BEFORE THE start of service, in casual jeans and a button-down shirt, somewhat anxious.

  “We said from the beginning we’d look to the Lord to lead us in everything,” he said. “We won’t be caught up in numbers or anything else. If He only sends a few people week to week, then those are the few who are meant to be here. Amen?”

  “Amen,” sounded around the circle.

  A core group had committed five months before to be part of the launch of a church plant in Clayton. But God had assembled them almost two years before—Trey, Cyd and Cedric, Molly, Timmy, Darla, and others from Wednesday nights, along with Marlon. They’d been praying fervently every step of the way, including prayers about the name. They’d agreed without hesitation that this was the one—Living Hope Church.

  They’d prayed about a location, too, debating whether to launch from the Woodses’ home or a school or someplace else. But a local church heard about the effort and knew the story of Lance and Kendra. Their congregation had dwindled, and they were no longer holding regular services. They were willing to let them use the building for free, with the option to purchase over time. The launch team had been blown away time and again by gestures like that . . . clear answers to prayer.

  Molly raised her hand. “What if God sends a lot of people? It could happen, given the article in this morning’s paper.”

  “What article?” Lance hadn’t seen the Sunday paper.

  Cyd dug into her purse. “I cut it out this morning to show you, then forgot when I got here.” She handed it to him.

  Lance skimmed it, a short blurb from the local section with the headline, “ ‘Amazing Love’ Update—Pastor Plants a Church.” It struck him that two years ago, he’d been concerned that people would be talking about his past at Clayton High or his criminal record if he started a church. There was no mention of either of these things.

  “I don’t know how many people will see it,” Lance said, “but that’s a nice article. Funny how they refer to the ‘Amazing Love’ story.”

  “I keep telling you it impacted more people than you think,” Cyd said.

  “But it’s weird thinking about it like that,” Lance said. “I was just loving my wife. It shouldn’t be a big deal, you know?”

  “Oh, but it is. Trust me,” Darla mumbled.

  Lance looked at Molly. “So, Moll, let’s hear your answer. If God sends a lot of people, what will we do?”

  Molly rolled her eyes up, thinking. “I don’t know for sure, but I’m thinking prayer’ll be the first thing.”

  Lance smiled. “You got it. I have to thank all of you again,” he said, “for your hard work. It’s a big job starting a church plant, and you’ve put in so much time. And you’re still willing to serve.” His eyes traveled the circle. “But this is more than a church plant. You’re family. You’ve been there more ways than I can count, especially after Kendra . . .”

  He couldn’t go there, not right now. He exhaled.

  “Group hug!”

  Lance wasn’t sure who said it, but they all squeezed in for a big, rocking hug.

  “I love you guys,” Lance said, holding on still.

  “I’m curious,” Timmy said. “Has anyone given thought to the cosmic greatness of God’s handiwork with this group?”

  Molly eyed him with amusement. “I dwell often on such cosmic realities, now that I’m married to a cosmic thinker.”

  “People, I submit to you that that is amazing love,” Timmy said, hugging her. “That this woman puts up with me.”

  Lance chuckled. “You’ll get no argument there.”

  “I can’t believe it’s here, y’all,” Trey sai
d. “Living Hope Church is actually launching today.”

  A cheer went up among the circle.

  “All right, everybody, it’s time,” Lance said. “Let’s pray and head out.”

  Lance greeted people in the lobby area as they arrived. A lot of Living Word members were coming to support the first service, but Lance had never seen most of these people. He shook hands, casually asking how they’d heard about it. Word of mouth and the newspaper article had been the main sources.

  Lance turned, surprised to see Ellen and Brooklyn walk in. “Hey, I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “Brooklyn didn’t want to miss it,” Ellen said.

  “Look,” Brooklyn said, sticking out her arm. “I wore my very special bracelet.”

  It hit an emotional nerve, seeing the Psalm 18 bracelet, which Kendra had given her. Lance hugged her, unable to speak.

  Ellen looked at him. “You know I’m still grappling with God and church and all of that,” she said. “I’ve still got lots of questions. But as I think about it, I could’ve sent Brooklyn with her dad. Maybe . . . maybe I wanted to be here.”

  Lance hugged her. “And it means a lot to have you here.”

  Ready to begin, Lance walked into an almost-full sanctuary as worship music played. His heart was full. Kendra had wanted to see this day. She’d encouraged him toward this day. But he couldn’t see it until she was gone. It wasn’t meant to be until she was gone. God knew her time—their time—would be short. And He’d given Lance grace to devote himself to his wife in a very special way.

  As he thought about it, looking out among the people, Kendra was indeed with him, watching him. And he knew what she would say—live fully in this day.

  Lance took a steadying breath. God would give him grace for this too.

  READING GROUP GUIDE

  1. As she prepared to marry Derek, Kendra knew he wasn’t a man of faith and that even she wasn’t who she needed to be. Yet she was comfortable pushing these realizations aside. In your own life, have you acknowledged that, spiritually, you’re not where you’d like to be—and left it at that? Or did you begin to take steps toward positive change?

  2. Did you find Derek’s decision to leave Kendra understandable? Do you think you could love someone enough to marry him if you knew he’d been diagnosed with a terminal illness?

  3. If you’ve never grappled with same-sex attraction, you likely know someone who has—though he or she may not have shared it. Would you be a safe person with whom someone could share this struggle? Would you listen with compassion and show love?

  4. Lance told Trey, “When something is in our lives that brings affliction or suffering or any struggle we can’t control, we’re more aware of our need for God.” Have you experienced affliction, suffering, or a struggle that made you more aware of your need for God? Did you see His love and care in deeper ways? Explain.

  5. The Wednesday night Bible study was called The Shadow. Have you ever lived in shadows of doubt, fear, or shame? Have you experienced what it’s like to dwell in a different shadow, one of refuge and blessing—the shadow of the Almighty?

  6. At Kendra’s “wisdom shower,” they noted that tomorrow is not promised for any of us. In what ways could you intentionally treat each day as a gift? How can you glorify God daily?

  7. Kendra told Derek that when he broke up with her, she thought it was the end of the world. But he became her testimony. Have you ever experienced the pain of a closed door, only to see it later as God’s goodness? Did that closed door become your testimony? Explain.

  8. Kendra found great comfort in Psalm 18 as she began to know God’s attributes personally. Do you know the Lord as your strength, your rock, your fortress, your deliverer, your refuge, and your salvation? How has He made Himself known with respect to any one of these?

  9. In the midst of a very difficult season, have you experienced unimagined blessings—hidden blessings—from God?

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I AM INDEBTED TO MANY WOMEN WHO HAD THE COURAGE TO blog throughout their battles with inflammatory breast cancer. Their insights as to what it was like to live with this disease—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—often brought me to tears.

  I am indebted as well to those who have had the courage to voice past and/or present struggles with homosexuality, in particular the ministries of Christopher Yuan, Jackie Hill, and Julie Rodgers. I credit Christopher Yuan for the statement (spoken through Lance) that the opposite of homosexuality isn’t heterosexuality but holiness, from his book Out of a Far Country. To the three of you, thank you for helping the body of Christ to grow in compassion.

  Finally—always—I am indebted to the Lord for giving me grace . . . to write, to love, to hope, and to endure.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  KIM CASH TATE IS THE AUTHOR OF THE COLOR OF HOPE, HOPE Springs, Cherished, Faithful, Heavenly Places, and the memoir More Christian Than African American. A former practicing attorney, she is also a Bible teacher and women’s ministry leader at The Gate Church in St. Louis. She and her husband have two children.

  Visit her website at www.kimcashtate.com

  Twitter: @KimCashTate

  Facebook: kimcashtate