by M. Sembera
The sincerity in his eyes was overwhelming.
“I can’t tell you the truth,” he confessed.
Pulling on the front of his shirt, I begged, “Please.”
Concern spread across Emerson’s face.
Looking into his eyes, I implored, “Just tell me the truth.”
Emerson hung his head saying, “Your father owed my father money, a lot of money. It was one bad investment after another. Hert was sent to have a conversation with your father. It didn’t go very well. So Hert convinced my father to forgive the debt. When your father found out, he was insulted. A week later he repaid my father in full. Hert found out how your father got the money and went back to my father explaining what was going to happen if the money wasn’t returned. My father returned the money to Hert. Hert tried to return the money, but it wasn’t accepted. He was told the money itself wasn’t the issue,” sliding back on my bed, I grabbed ahold of a pillow as Emerson went on explaining, “I don’t know if you realize what Hert went through not only going to my father twice for a favor but to go to the people your father took the money from also. However, my father was very impressed by the lengths Hert was willing to go for you. He said that was the kind of man he needed to run things. My father offered him the opportunity to take over. He accepted the offer with one condition. That he be allowed to stay here until you left HIM. My father agreed. The day you left HIM, Hert called my father and made arrangements to leave. Hert wanted to see you before he left and talk to you. He was going to tell you everything. That night when Hert left he said he couldn’t tell you.”
I already knew what Emerson was going to say next. I remembered that night very well. Seeing Hert after such a long time was like a revelation.
“Hert said you looked at him like he always wanted you too but he had already given his word to my father. Then he found out you were pregnant and he was determined to tell you, assuming you would be better off here with me. I knew you wanted him and he had already fought so hard for you without you even knowing, I didn’t think it was right. So I called my father and told him you were pregnant and offered to take his place.”
Stopping him I asked, “So then what was all that about the day Hert and I were going to get our marriage license? When you said you wouldn’t get the chance again. Had you changed your mind?”
Emerson continued, “Ren I have loved you since the day I met you. Everything seemed very real all at once. I have never taken a chance on anything in my entire life and I started to think about all the missed opportunities. I needed to know if I was making the right decision. I’m not going to tell you what Hert’s doing but I will tell you this, everything Hert does is well thought out and for a good reason.”
There was a certain comfort in knowing more than I did this morning. There were still several intentional missing pieces from the story Emerson shared with me, but they seemed irrelevant to my current situation. Something was very relevant though and it needed to be tended to right away.
I appealed to Emerson’s sympathy and implored, “Please call Hert. I need to talk to him.”
Emerson hesitantly agreed. Picking up the phone Emerson dialed a number.
After waiting a moment, he said, “Hey, don’t get mad but Ren is right here. She wants to talk to you.”
From the look on Emerson’s face it was going to be a minute before he handed me the phone. Sitting there waiting, I thought about what I was going to say to Hert. Then Emerson handed me the phone, gave a slight nod and walked out.
Taking a deep breath, I put the receiver to my ear saying, “Hey.”
Hert’s voice was strained as he asked, “Is everything okay?”
Curling up onto my pillow, I answered, “No.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
Starting to explain, I stated, “I saw your mother last night and I just had a long conversation with Emerson and...”
Hert broke in urging, “Renni I’m almost done here please don’t decide anything until I get home.”
“What am I deciding?” I blurted.
How could he possibly know I woke this morning with a plan? No longer concerned with my original reason for talking to him, it was clear Emerson had left something very important out.
“Huh? Tell me Hert,” I pushed.
Listening to the silence on the other end of the line I realized it would always be like this. There was no way of changing things. No matter how much I wished, I would never have all the information.
“Hert, I don’t know what you think Emerson told me but I just wanted to say thank you and I love you. Come home safe,” I said.
Hanging up the phone, I was unwilling to wait for a response.
Emerson walked back in sitting down on the corner of the bed.
Appearing concerned, he asked, “Why do you look sad?”
Shrugging I answered, “I’m not really sad, I think I just…I want Hert to come home.”
It was a lie but what was I supposed to say? I called my husband to thank him for something he never wanted me to know in the first place and because I always react badly to every situation, he assumed I was leaving him.
Emerson excused himself saying, “I’m going downstairs to talk to my father, okay Ren?”
Nodding at him, I rolled over sighing. Reflecting on Hert and I’s relationship, then and now, I wondered if we would make it. How long would he put up with my over reactions? Would I ever be able to sit back and let him handle things without having a breakdown? Feeling bombarded by self-pity, I thought it best for Hert and I to have a conversation when he returned.
Chapter 17
Around one thirty in the morning, I was nudged wake. At first, I thought I was dreaming then Hert quietly asked me to come to our room and I knew I was awake. Back in our room, Hert immediately put his arms around me. It was difficult to stay focused. Instantly filled with desire from his touch, the second his lips touched mine I pulled away.
“Hert wait,” I urged.
Gently taking my hand, he stated, “I missed you.”
Smiling softly at him, I said, “I know. I missed you too, but I really think we need to talk.”
Leaning his forehead down to mine, Hert offered, “Come lay down with me and we can talk about whatever you want.”
Curled up in bed with him, I started, “I yelled at Mr. Roberts.”
Hert laughed informing me, “Yea I heard.”
Slightly embarrassed, I continued, “I didn’t mean... it's just... I was talking to Em and he walked in saying that I didn’t need to concern myself with things and I don’t know, it made me mad.”
Still laughing Hert asked, “Is that all?” as he lightly kissed the side of my neck.
“Hert!” I scolded as I slid away.
With a smirk, he persuaded, “Come on Renni, can’t we talk in the morning? I’ve been gone and I missed you.”
“This is important!” I urged.
Visibly frustrated Hert conceded, “Okay, what is it?”
Taking a breath, I questioned, “Do I make things more difficult?”
Slightly smiling, he answered, “Yes.”
Appreciating the honesty of Hert’s answer, I proceeded, “What if this isn’t always what you want?”
Hert shook his head and questioned, “Why would you say that? Do you want something else?”
Feeling irritated that he was trying to turn things around instead of just answering me, I said, “Never mind. I can’t talk to you.”
Hert sat up, apologizing, “I’m sorry Renni and you can talk to me. What is this really about?”
Taking a breath, I confessed, “I don’t want any of this. I want you and Sophia. I want a house with three bedrooms not seven, a house with our things in it. It’s not that I don’t appreciate everything The Roberts’ have done for us, I just I don’t want to be kept, I want us to have our own life.”
Hert placed his hand on the side of my face and stated, “I wish we could have that too.”
Scooting closer, I exclaimed, “
Why can’t we?”
Shaking his head at me again, he answered, “We just can’t.”
Deciding I could convince him of possibilities I replied, “I have money, you could get a different job.”
Hert looked angry as he informed, “This isn’t about money or a job. There’s a lot more to it. What am I supposed to do with my mother then? Mr. Roberts is the whole reason she is able to stay in a place so nice and have the care she needs.”
Snapping back, I offered, “Well may be she should get a chance at a life too. She’s been locked away in there for almost ten years. She never smiles or shows emotion of any kind. How do you know she’s not better?”
I could see how hard it was for him to keep his voice low as he stated, “She is there for her own safety.”
Refusing Hert’s answer, I said, “You can’t just lock people away so they don’t get hurt.”
I paused for a moment having an incredible revelation.
“You do though. She is stuck in there just like I am stuck here,” I added.
Hert’s eyes seemed to search mine as he sat there glaring at me. Staring right back, I hoped to convey the severity of this issue.
With an all too familiar tone, Hert replied, “You don’t need to concern yourself with my mother’s situation.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, I slapped him as hard as I could. Fighting the tears back, I jumped out of our bed and started pulling my clothes out of the drawers. I could tell he was trying to figure out how serious I was as he sat there still glaring at me.
Sliding my wedding ring off, I tossed it on the bed informing, “There, now you don’t need to concern yourself with me.”
As I continued to gather my things Hert sat there silent until I grabbed a bag out of the closet.
“What do you think you’re doing?” he asked quickly standing up.
I sarcastically answered, “Baking a cake, what does it look like I’m doing?”
Hert demanded, “You are not leaving!”
As I stuffed clothes into my bag it occurred to me that I might be making a mistake but I refused to back down now. I refused to spend one more second being this kept person who let everyone else make the decisions.
“You don’t get to decide what I’m going to do! I get to decide!” I shouted.
Taking a different tone Hert urged, “I’m asking you, please don’t leave.”
Turning to him, I offered, “Then quit. I will stay with you but only if you resign and we move.”
Hert stood silent in front of me.
“I can’t do that,” he whispered.
Shaking my head, I informed, “Well then, you can’t have me,” grabbed my bag and walked to Sophia’s room.
Sitting down on the edge of my old bed I worked up the courage to follow through with my decision. As hard as I tried to reason with myself it was pride that finally made me get up and start packing Sophia a bag. Sophia’s door slowly opened and Hert walked in.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
Without looking at him, I replied, “Probably a hotel for tonight.”
He continued asking, “How are you getting there?”
“My car is still in the garage, if it doesn’t start I’ll find a ride.”
Hert watched me gathering Sophia’s things for a minute before suggesting, “Let me take you.”
I was baffled by his suggestion. Finding it very hard to believe there wasn’t an ulterior motive lurking somewhere in his offer, I stopped packing and turned to him.
“You ask me not to leave and now you want to drive me to a hotel?” I questioned.
Hert explained, “I still want you to stay but if I can’t change your mind then I can at least make sure you get where ever you’re going safely.”
Hert helped me get Sophia and our bags downstairs and out to the car. It was hard for me to comprehend how calm he was being. It was possible as much as he refused to admit it, somewhere deep inside he knew, this wasn’t working. I really wanted to change my mind. To be like Erin and take everything in stride but I just couldn’t.
Chapter 18
It was early morning by the time we reached a hotel two hours away. Instantly put off by its upscale appearance, I was certain Hert brought me here for a reason. Sulking back in my seat, I wished I had called Jackson instead of agreeing to let Hert drive me. Pulling up to the entrance, a valet offered to take the keys and the doorman took our bags.
“Is this really necessary?” I questioned Hert.
He ignored me walking up to the front desk and requesting a two bed room suite for the week.
Growing angrier by the second, I mumbled, “I can get my own room and I don’t need a suite.”
Hert quietly informed, “You can pay me back then.”
Holding Sophia snug in my arms, I followed Hert to the elevator. Intentionally staring away from him, I waited until we were inside the room to speak.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I snapped.
He replied, “I am making sure everything is taken care of for you and Sophia.”
I wanted to scream.
Trying to be calm, I gritted my teeth and said, “I don’t need you to take care of things for me. I am perfectly capable of…”
Hert quickly cut me off, saying, “Being selfish.”
Taken aback by his comment, I shouted, “What?”
His voice stayed low as he replied, “Selfish. You are selfish. You’re not thinking of anyone but yourself.”
Outraged, I argued, “Because I want a normal life; that makes me selfish?”
Shaking his head at me, Hert said, “No, you’re selfish because you think you’re the only one that’s unhappy with the situation. You think it makes me happy to worry about you all the time? Or that no matter what I do, it’s never good enough for you.”
Swallowing hard, I replied, “Then this solves both our problems doesn’t it?”
His jaw tightened as he stated, “I guess it does, I will be by to see Sophia tomorrow,” and walked out the door.
For the first time in what seemed like forever I was alone. There would be no knock at the door or going downstairs to find Emerson or Jackson. It was just me and Sophia. I had been selfish for not realizing how unhappy I was making Hert. Was it possible I was making myself unhappy too? Sitting there quietly watching Sophia sleep it struck me that it was me. Starting with my father, if Hert hadn’t felt about me the way he did would he have asked Mr. Roberts not once but twice for a favor? If not perhaps he would have moved on and had a more normal life. My being with HIM exaggerated circumstances and caused even more problems. It seemed as though all our problems were consequences of my mistakes.
Why did Hert always have to be so responsible? What would make him think he was responsible for me? How was it that after everything he still wanted me? It was clear to me at this point distance was exactly what we needed, not 'she’s in a bad relationship distance' or 'he’s off trying to make things right distance', just plain distance.
Startled by a knock at the door I got up half expecting Emerson to be on the other side. A short stocky man was there instead.
“Mrs. Herterand, Mr. Herterand requested we set a crib up in your suite,” the man informed.
I opened the door wide and nodded making way for him to come in and set it up. Thinking to myself, ‘well he just thinks of everything doesn’t he’, I sat back down.
When the man was finished, I thanked him as he left the room. I unpacked my bags and started to feel the same suffocation in our room as I did at the house. Deciding when Sophia woke up, it would be nice to get out I took a shower and got dressed.
Sophia woke up. I dressed her, packed her diaper bag and took her down to the lobby. Walking up to the counter, I asked the lady where the closest store that would have a stroller was. After she gave me directions, Sophia and I headed out of the hotel. It felt awkward not having my wedding ring on and for a second, I wondered what people would think of me walking around with a baby and
no ring. Pushing the thought out of my mind, I continued down the street. It didn’t take long for us to reach the department store. Walking straight to the baby section, I found a cute stroller with pink bows all over it.
After leaving the store, I place Sophia in her brand new stroller and continued walking down the street. It was wonderful, being outside just walking around. I imagined Hert walking with us. He and I taking our daughter on an afternoon stroll. How nice it would be with his arm around me stopping at the little shops and maybe having some lunch in town.
My daydream was interrupted when a lady walked up.
Smiling at me, she asked, “Um, are you Mrs. Herterand?”
With a confused look, I nodded.
She continued saying, “You don’t know me. My husband works for your husband at The Office. There is a picture of you on Mr. Herterand’s desk.”
Still confused, I said, “Oh, okay.”
Appearing to be a little embarrassed, she introduced herself, “Sorry, I’m Amila. Amila Pertratelli.”
Trying to alleviate the awkwardness, I smiled wide saying, “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Rennillia, but really just Ren. Do you live around here?”
“Yes I do. We have a little house in a subdivision about two blocks away,” she cheered.
She seemed so nice and I was desperate to talk to someone new. I thought it would be nice to make a friend.
“Would you like to have lunch with me?” I asked.
She smiled, answering, “That would be great.”
Smiling back, I asked, “Do you know of a good place?”
Amila nodded as we walked up the street to a little outdoor café.
After ordering our food Amila asked, “Are you here looking for a house?”
Considering my options, I replied, “I might now that I’m here, but really I just needed to get away for a little while. Mr. and Mrs. Roberts are down and Emerson too and the house is kinda well, full.”
She seemed unsure as she commented, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, you’re different than I thought you would be.”
“Different?” I questioned.
Looking a little embarrassed again, she explained, “You know, you’re well, upper class I guess but you’re really nice.”
