The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  How cruel is life?

  Unbelievably so.

  A vibrant yellow umbrella brightened a small spot on the left side of his windshield. Slowing down his Jeep, Sam had indicated before he pulled to the side of the road. Then he put his car into park and wound down the window. A series of actions that had been so fluid and without thought. A series of actions that always led to Meredith Driessen.

  “Meredith?”

  She had stopped and waited a moment before she faced him. Meredith’s body tensed, as if she were uncomfortable to be staring at him.

  “Hi,” he greeted.

  Meredith pressed her lips tightly together for a second and then finally said, “Hi.”

  Sam unbuckled his belt, reached across the passenger seat to the door handle, and pulled on it. “Get in. I’ll take you home.”

  She winced at his proposal then she uttered, “No.”

  “What?”

  “No, Sam. Not this time.” She held his gaze. The flash of hurt and anger in her blue eyes had him sitting properly in the driver’s seat.

  “Meredith—”

  “I said no,” she said firmly. As defiantly strong as she had wanted to sound, Sam heard the tinge of sadness in her delivery.

  “Are you—are you upset with me?”

  Her shoulders weakened, and then her lip trembled. “I shouldn’t be. I mean I know it’s unfair to you that I am. But yes, I am upset with you.”

  Sam opened his mouth to ask why, but he already knew the answer. Instead, he shut it and stared at her.

  Meredith’s grip on the umbrella handle tightened to the point where her knuckles had turned paper white in colour. “One minute, I’m your friend, and the next, I’m a stranger to you. Don’t you see how much that messes with my head? I thought we shared something … I thought you felt … I was wrong. I was so wrong about you, Sam. And I made myself look ridiculous to you.”

  “Mere—”

  “Why won’t you let me mean something to you?” she asked. Her voice had cracked, and it aligned with the pain he heard in her words.

  Sam breathed out, reached over his driver’s side panel, and wound up the window, blocking her welling eyes. Then he turned off the engine, pulled out the key, and remained in his seat. He gave himself a moment to think. It would be so easy to give in to Meredith. To get to know her. To give himself the chance to fall in love with her. It would be so easy if he’d just let himself. The baby was due in less than seven months. And in less than seven months, his entire world would change. If this was his chance to have what he always wanted, he should take it—even though he knew how unfair it would be to deceive Meredith.

  From the corner of his eye, Sam watched as the yellow umbrella retreated and continued down the main road. With final exams a few months away, he knew that they both left school later than usual, making it easy for Meredith to walk home without the crowd or the rush. Clenching his eyes shut, he listened to the heavy beats of his heart as the rain echoed in his ears.

  If I let Meredith mean something to me, I’m a monster.

  If I continue to want her, I’m a monster.

  If I continue to need her, I’m a monster.

  If I continue to fall in love with her, I’m the worst kind of monster.

  “I’m a fucking monster,” Sam muttered as he climbed out of his Jeep, rain soaking his hair and school uniform.

  For Sam, he’d feed his tormenting demons. He’d give in to Meredith. He’d find a way to make her smile and laugh. He might not have his life figured out, and he might not be able to offer her a future, but he was sure he could give her a form of happiness. Even though he knew it wasn’t enough to leave him with a clean conscience.

  “Meredith!”

  She didn’t halt her long steps.

  “Meredith!”

  Again, not a falter in her movements.

  “Please.” She furthered her distance. “I’m sorry, okay?” he desperately yelled.

  That stopped her. “I’m mad at you,” she said in a loud voice, her back still turned to him.

  “I know,” he agreed. “I deserve it.”

  Her shoulders sagged then she spun around and faced him. “And what do I deserve? I’m not some stand-in friend, Sam. My heart won’t accept that. Not when I feel things I shouldn’t.”

  “Y-you …” He took a deep breath. “You deserve so much more than me.”

  Meredith’s eyebrows met as her nostrils flared ever so slightly. “Isn’t that for me to decide?”

  A shiver ran up his body. Sam wasn’t sure if it was because of the cold rain or from Meredith’s words. “It is. I’d never take that away from you. But what I said is true. Meredith, I don’t want you to be my stand-in friend. I want to be something meaningful to you. But it’s a double standard if I won’t let you be something meaningful to me.” He wiped the moisture off his face. “I’m trying to avoid intentionally hurting you by putting distance between us. I hate that for the last two weeks I haven’t seen you smile or laugh. I haven’t seen the little frowns you make when you thoroughly think things over. I hate that I’ve spent two weeks away from you. I hate that I want you. I hate that I need you. I hate that you didn’t let me just drown.”

  She blinked rapidly. Her lips parted as she breathed out. Sam watched as Meredith walked towards him. Her eyes never left his as she closed the distance. When their bodies were close to touching, Meredith moved the umbrella so that it shielded Sam from the rain. With her free hand, she clutched his forearm.

  “Sam,” she whispered, her focus now on his mouth.

  Unable to help himself, Sam gazed at her pink lips and answered, “Yes?”

  Meredith had run her teeth along her bottom lip before their eyes found each other. “Don’t make decisions for me. I’m not asking you to reveal all your secrets to me. I’m not asking you to give up whatever it is that makes you want a darker outcome. All I’m asking is that you give me a chance. All I want is to make you feel better and a little less lonely. I just want to matter to you.”

  Sam’s wet and cold hands cupped her smooth face. “Is that what you really want, Meredith?”

  “Yes,” she breathed.

  Sam’s heart ached for her, knowing that he’d eventually break hers. But he wasn’t strong enough to tell her no. Not when he could have this one chance at happiness with her. He inched her lips closer to his, closer to meeting and closer to touching.

  “Please tell me I’m different to you, Sam. Please tell me I’m someone you want,” she whispered.

  Her hold on the umbrella had loosened, exposing them to the droplets of rain that blanketed them. Meredith’s fingers dug into his arm as her breathing heaved.

  And for once, he’d let his heart win, and his head fail. Just this one time, he’d give Meredith the truth. “You’re everything, Meredith.”

  Surprise flashed in her blue eyes. A sight he loved seeing, though he knew it wouldn’t last. Soon, he’d see the betrayal consume them. He’d wait for it. Because he knew it was fast approaching.

  Sam let his lips collide with Meredith’s, and the soft feel of her kiss sent his heating heart plunging. He’d need to invent new words to describe how perfect this one kiss was. It was as if the sun had aligned perfectly behind the white clouds, allowing its rays to bleed through and grace the land below. Her floral scent only increased the beats in his chest; the same beats that were in time with the way their lips glided over each other.

  A first kiss like theirs was surely a sin.

  The bluff before destruction.

  “Everything,” he mumbled against her mouth. “You’re everything, Meredith.” Sam had all but given in. Not only did he offer his lips for her coercion, but he had also offered his bruised and broken heart for her to mend one last time before he ruined hers.

  I’m your biggest mistake, Meredith.

 
You’ll regret me.

  You’ll regret all the words you will ever say to me.

  You’ll regret this kiss.

  chapter fourteen

  SAM

  Present

  “Where’s Meredith?”

  Sam glanced up from his warm beer to see a panic-stricken Margot to his left. Margot slammed the glasses she was holding down, and the beverages sloshed onto the table. With a bothered sigh, he reached over, grabbed a napkin from the dispenser, and cleaned up Margot’s carelessness.

  “Sam? Where is she? Did she go to the bathroom?” she asked again.

  He shook his head. “She left.”

  “What?”

  “She left about a half an hour ago.”

  “Why? Did she tell you where she was going?” It was clear that panic had reached Margot’s squeaky voice.

  “Marg, why the hell would Meredith tell me where she’s going? I honestly don’t care where she goes.”

  Margot shook her head at him. “You don’t mean that. I choose to believe you don’t.”

  “Where’s Meredith?” Phil asked once he reached them.

  “Your stupid best friend ran her off,” Margot complained as she took out her phone from her jeans pocket and began to dial.

  “I didn’t do any—”

  “I thought you didn’t care,” Margot bluntly remarked as she held the phone to her ear.

  “I don’t—” She abruptly silenced him with a finger to her lips.

  “Meredith, where are you? You just left. Why the hell did you walk home? I don’t care if the suburbs are peaceful; you don’t do that. Of course, I’m upset that you’re not here. No, don’t be sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you to come out tonight. I’ll call you in the morning. Love you,” Margot said quietly as she sat in the booth. When she had said her final goodbye, she hung up and glared at Sam. “You’re such an asshole. Can’t you just let it go? This ‘I hate Meredith’ attitude you have. You broke her heart, remember? Why are you punishing her?”

  Sam flinched. He was punishing Meredith. He had been since she saved his life. But in some twisted way, he believed she deserved it. Her act of heroism deserved retribution. Meredith Driessen should have let him die.

  “Margot, stop,” Phil warned.

  “Why do you keep defending him? She was your friend, too. Seven years, Phil. I’ve been without my best friend for seven years. He took her away from us!” she cried.

  The guilt he had carried throughout the years resurfaced with a vengeance. This was what his lies had done to the people he loved. This was what Meredith’s disappearance had done. Sam slid out of the booth, pulled out his wallet, and slapped a twenty-dollar note on the table.

  Margot wiped her cheeks with the back of her hands. “Where are you going?”

  Sam sighed. “To stop punishing Meredith.”

  The nostrils of his best friend’s girlfriend flared as her eyes darkened. “I hope she falls in love with another man right in front of your eyes. It’s what you deserve out of life, Sam.”

  “I hoped for that, too,” he admitted. He knew Margot wasn’t expecting him to agree with her. Frankly, he hadn’t either. But she was right. That was what he needed to see, but it never happened. Maybe, this time, it’d be different. He knew he still didn’t deserve Meredith. He’d hope this time she’d stay long enough to find someone worthy of her.

  Margot glared at him. “Why are you really going to see her?”

  Because I still love her.

  The thought crossed his mind so quickly that his chest immediately heaved. It was true. As much as he hated it, there was no one after Meredith. He was as sure now as he was back when he was eighteen that Meredith had been it. But he had too many secrets she couldn’t be exposed to, and that was why he did it. That was why he broke Meredith’s heart.

  Sam faked a carefree shrug. “She’s going to be my son’s teacher. I can’t let what happened seven years ago affect Josh’s education.”

  Margot’s mouth made an ‘O,’ and she shook her head unbelievably. “You really think Meredith would do that to Josh?” She inhaled deeply. “She held on to you for far too long, Sam. She never deserved any of it.”

  For the second time tonight, he had to agree with his best friend’s girlfriend.

  The Driessen family home was as beautiful as it had been seven years ago. The streetlights illuminated the white picket fence, and Sam remembered all the times he had watched Meredith open that gate and walk up the path to the front door. He remembered the way her curly ponytail swayed and that final step she’d make before she spun around, smiled at him, and then entered the house. All the little things he had loved about her had been all the little pieces of heaven he had given up when he broke her heart.

  But now, at twenty-five, he was going to apologise. Though he didn’t expect her to forgive him, he had to think of Josh. He knew Meredith would never harm his son in any way, but Sam couldn’t take that risk. Parts of him wished he’d given in and admitted that apologising was a selfish move to win back an honest smile, but he couldn’t. He never deserved Meredith.

  Not then.

  And certainly, not now.

  Adrenaline coursed through him as he made his way up the path and climbed the small step to her front door. He wasn’t even sure if she still lived at the same address. Sam should have asked Margot, but he wanted away from Meredith’s best friend. Margot had been right. Every accusation she threw at him had been true. If Sam were a better man, he’d be at home or with his son. Not chasing the woman he’d ruined when they were teenagers. He should not be knocking on her door, and he should not be waiting for her to open it. But it was Meredith. The woman he’d given his heart to before he tore it away from her and obliterated hers in return.

  The lights brightened the slim windows on either side of the doorframe. Sam heard the chain unbolt and the door handle twist. Then she opened the door, revealing her and her dog, Dutch, to him.

  “Sam. What—” She paused and peeked behind him to see if anyone else was with him. “What are you doing here?”

  He swallowed the lump in his throat and glanced down at the border collie he used to walk with Meredith. Unable to help himself, Sam bent his knees and began to pat the top of Dutch’s head. “Hey, boy. How’ve you been, huh? It’s been a long time.”

  The dog made a small whine. When Sam pulled away, Dutch’s paw rested on his arm, as if to persuade Sam to continue. Exactly the same way Dutch had done when Sam used to visit Meredith when he was eighteen.

  “Dutch, let go of Sam’s arm, please,” Meredith instructed. And the dog obeyed, lowering his paw and his head. “What are you doing here, Sam?”

  Sam cleared his throat and then straightened his knees so that he gazed at Meredith properly. “I want to talk.”

  Meredith squinted at him, sceptical. “I said those exact four words to you when I was eighteen.”

  “I know,” he replied in a small voice.

  “You told me no.” She gave him a tight smile. “You said that there was no point. You said you wanted Beth. You wanted her. Not me.” Tears began to roll down Meredith’s face. The pain in her eyes hadn’t disappeared. It was still as heartbreaking as it was seven years ago.

  “I was a dick. I know.”

  To his surprise, Meredith chuckled. “You never gave me a chance. Why should I give you my time? Why should I hear the next words that come out of your mouth?”

  You shouldn’t.

  “You’re teaching my son on Monday,” he stated.

  His reason had the features on Meredith’s face loosening. Her lips trembled, and her breathing sounded laboured. Then she took several steps back, Dutch following. “Come in,” she said softly as she held the door open for him.

  Sam entered the house and instantly smelt the vanilla and honey fragrance. It was Meredith’s favourite candle from the l
ocal handmade candle store. It was so familiar and so Meredith that his chest burned at the memories of her. Ignoring the uncomfortable heat, Sam followed her into the lounge and watched her crouch next to the couch to face her dog.

  “Dutch, it’s bedtime,” she instructed then kissed the border collie’s nose. “You go upstairs and wait for me, okay.” Then Meredith stood up and pointed at the stairs.

  Dutch barked but trotted up the stairs and disappeared to the second level of the house. It had been years since Meredith had first shown Sam that trick, and he was still impressed at what a smart dog she owned.

  “He’s like a show dog or something. He could win medals,” Sam said as he made his way to the couch.

  Meredith gracefully sat in the armchair across from him with an off-in-the-distance stare. “I’d never put him through that. He’s a happy dog.”

  “He is.”

  He watched as she tucked a loose curl behind her ear and then folded her legs beneath her. “You wanted to talk about me teaching your son.”

  For a single second, it felt as if they were back to when they were still in high school. For a short moment, it felt as if Meredith was his all over again. “Yeah. His name’s Josh, Meredith.”

  She nodded, though she couldn’t hide the sad gleam in her eyes from him. “Sam, I would never jeopardise your son’s education. I’d never do that to you or him. If you’re worried, I can relinquish my position.”

  “You would seriously do that? Give up your job?” Somewhere, he hoped she’d say yes. He hoped that she’d prove to him that the Meredith he knew and had loved was still inside. That he hadn’t completely destroyed her.

  “Yes,” she breathed. Then her focus dropped to the fabric of the armchair. “I’m not a monster, Sam. I’d never take out vengeance on your son for what happened between you and me. You broke my heart, but that doesn’t mean I’m seeking retribution. Your son was always innocent in this.”