The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  He sighed in relief. Sam hadn’t told Beth of Meredith’s return, and now that he was sure that Josh’s education wasn’t in jeopardy, he could breathe a little easier.

  “Thank you.”

  She lifted her chin and gave him a smile. Not quite the Meredith smile he loved, but it was almost there. However broken her smile was, it was still beautiful. “I understand why you’d doubt my professionalism. It’s your son in question. But it hurts a little that you don’t trust me or have confidence in the teacher that I am. I did nothing but support you and Beth’s pregnancy. I wanted to stand by you.”

  “I know,” he choked out as the guilt in him now doubled. Meredith had every right to be upset with him. All he’d ever done was betray her from the very start. “Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have kissed you that first time. I shouldn’t have ever let you in. We could have avoided it all. I knew how messed up my life was, and I still screwed you over.”

  “Beth and your son are your family. There was just never any room left in your life for me. I was stupid to believe there was,” Meredith revealed as she stood up. “I’ll be back in a second.”

  Then she left him alone on the couch as she went upstairs. His eyes roamed around the various pictures on the walls—some he had remembered and some he had never seen. In some photographs, Meredith appeared older than the pictures of her from high school. Sam realised that they were images of her in the Netherlands after she had left Warren Meadows. Just as he was about to get off the couch and inspect the photos more closely, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Taking it out, he sighed when he saw that Phil had messaged him.

  Phil: We need to talk. You can’t just pretend not to care about Meredith like that. Have some compassion, Sam. YOU ruined HER to the point where she left town. You’re not the only one hurt by her leaving. She was my friend, too. But she was Margot’s best friend.You have to understand that by hurting Meredith, you hurt Margot, which means you hurt me.

  More guilt stuck to the inside layer of his heart’s valves, making it harder for his organ to pump blood.

  Sam: I know. I’m sorry, Phil. I realised too late what I had done. Meredith had already left by the time I went back for her. I’ll apologise to Margot when I see her next.

  Phil: I’d appreciate that, man. Have you apologised to Meredith yet? Have you told her the real truth?

  Sam cringed. The real truth. It had mixed in with all the lies he had told and lived for the last seven years that he didn’t know what the real truth was anymore. Somewhere in all the mess hid his redemption.

  If he ever deserved one.

  Sam: The truth doesn’t matter anymore.

  Because it was true. He had lost Meredith the night she had pulled him out of the river.

  Phil: Sam, the truth will let Meredith live without guilt. She deserves that. She’s been unintentionally living a lie for seven years. You should free her.

  His heart twisted at Phil’s message because his best friend was right. As much as Sam didn’t want him to be. But he had already decided that his son’s safety mattered more than Meredith’s conscience.

  Sam: I can’t lose Josh.

  Phil: You’re an excellent father, Sam. You won’t lose him. But this is your last chance with Meredith. You don’t even have to be in a relationship with her. All you gotta do is set her free. She can’t continue to live like this. Hell, I can’t live with knowing that I know the truth, and she doesn’t.

  “You deserve the truth, Meredith,” Sam muttered at his phone’s screen.

  “Then tell me,” Meredith said out of nowhere, startling him.

  chapter fifteen

  SAM

  Seven years ago

  “Meredith,” he breathed after he broke their kiss.

  Sam slowly opened his eyes to see hers still closed, as if she were memorising every second of it. He took this opportunity to stare at her beauty. The way her lips curved into a blissful smile. The way the rain had soaked the baby hair on her hairline. The way her eyelids fluttered as drops of rain landed on her lashes. Everything about her was beautiful. Everything about her was sweet.

  And everything about Meredith Driessen was meant to be for someone else.

  “Yes?” she asked in a soft voice as her fingers squeezed his arm.

  “Can I take you home yet?” The gentle nod she made was one he loved. “Thank you,” he whispered then placed a chaste kiss on her lips. Sam held her hand and led her towards his Jeep.

  The booming in his chest was proof that only Meredith made him feel such things. Not even Beth had. It only made Sam wince. He had treated Meredith poorly. But he had his reasons. It was because of this. The Meredith Effect. Now that he had it, he was scared to be without her lips or the sight of her.

  Suddenly, Sam felt his arm being pulled.

  “Wait,” she demanded.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Meredith raised her umbrella higher, to protect her from the rain. “You can’t just kiss me like that and then expect me to forget that I’m dispensable to you. You ignored me for two weeks, Sam.”

  He tugged on her hand and brought her to his chest. The thump of their bodies colliding was welcomed and savoured. And once Meredith’s free hand was firmly on his chest, he wrapped his arms protectively around her back. He peeked down at her questioning blue eyes. “I know. I’m really sorry. My life isn’t what I had expected it to be like. I … I never thought you’d even look my way, Meredith. I’ve wanted to be yours since I was thirteen,” he revealed.

  Her brows met as she pursed her lips at him. “Then what took you so long?”

  “I’ll never be good enough for you. Not then and certainly not now.” The realisation caused a tight squeeze of his heart.

  She gave him a sincere smile before she let the umbrella cover them both. “Don’t—”

  His lips found her forehead, stopping her from continuing, terrified of what would roll off her tongue. “I want to make sure you love someone worth your time, Meredith.”

  “Sam,” she breathed. “You’re worth all the time in the world. Every second, of every minute, of every day in a year.”

  “Why me?” he asked unbelievably.

  “Why not you?”

  “Because I’m no one special.”

  Meredith grasped his shirt between her fingers. “That’s why. You have no idea how special you are. I see so much kindness in you. You’ve always been kind to me, even when you didn’t think I noticed. Like the time I burned and ruined my final home economics cake in year ten. You switched our cakes and took my fail when I got your A-plus.”

  She remembers that?

  “It could have been someone else who did that,” he downplayed.

  She pushed off his chest and out of his arms, shaking her head. “I watched you do it. I walked out of the pantry with new ingredients when I saw you hovering over my mess. I went to stop you, but Phil blocked me. He said you needed to do it. I’ve noticed all the little things you’ve done for me.”

  He felt his cheeks heat and his heart race. What he had done for her almost two years ago hadn’t gone unnoticed. Now, he wished he hadn’t swapped their cakes. But deep down, he would never change that moment in home economics for the world. He had heard her whisper to Margot that she had failed all her practical assignments. The only thing that would save her from repeating the class was acing the final cake. His heart broke when sixteen-year-old Meredith pulled out her ruined cake. He’d take the fail on his final assignment any day of the week.

  “Why didn’t you call me out on it? Why didn’t you tell me that you saw?”

  Meredith tilted her head. “Because when I got that A, I watched for your reaction. You were happy for me. Your eyes brightened, and you looked content with yourself. I’ll never forget that moment. I didn’t want to take that away from you, and Phil made me promise not to tell either.”

&n
bsp; Christ, I could really fall in love with you, Meredith.

  The thought had Sam digging his fists into his pockets. “You really want to be with …”

  “To be with you?” Meredith asked.

  “Yes,” he responded in a less than confident tone.

  She took a small step forward and let her hand settle gently on his cheek. “Keep me, Sam. I’m yours.”

  “I said never—” The shake of her head had interrupted him.

  “I know,” she agreed. Her lips found his, sealing the fact that he had unfairly kept her. Because the truth about Beth would destroy his chance. The chance he never deserved. And the chance he more than likely stole from another. But knowing the feel and taste of her kiss was all that he needed. Somewhere, he’d find the reasons as to why he deserved Meredith. He knew the moment his secrets came to light he’d lose her. However, he hoped maybe she’d find it in her to forgive him enough for a future in the twisted mess he called his life.

  “What is this place?” Meredith asked once Sam had parked his Jeep outside the Bear Hunt. Her eyes swept over the cabin-styled restaurant, then the tall pine trees, and finally, the fake stuffed bear at the entrance.

  He pulled the key out of the ignition and gawked at her. “You’ve never been to the Beat Hunt?”

  “No?” Her forehead wrinkled as she scrunched her nose.

  “No, as in you’re unsure?”

  Meredith lightly laughed. “No, as in I’m sure I’ve never been here before.”

  A sense of accomplishment overcame him. He’d chosen somewhere she’d never been. Warren Meadows wasn’t a huge suburb compared to others nearby, but the Bear Hunt was towards the next suburb, close to the rural area of Gippsland. It had been one of Sam’s favourite places to go to as a child. Before his father had completely changed and became a different man from the one Sam had idolised.

  “Come on,” he said once he unbuckled his belt. “You’ll love this place.”

  Meredith brushed several locks of her damp hair behind her ear. “That’s a lot of pressure, Sam. What if I hate it here?”

  He took her hand in his and caressed her knuckles with his thumb. “Then it’ll no longer be my favourite place.”

  A smile spread across her lips. The same pair he’d kissed. Twice. The same pair he was sure he’d never know. The thought alone had him grinning.

  “Did I just make Samuel Michaels smile?”

  “Don’t let it go to your head, Meredith.”

  “Too late,” she quipped. Just as she turned for the door handle, Sam pulled on her hand to make her turn back towards him. Her eyes searched his. “Sam?”

  Glancing down at her hand, he watched as his thumb traced and memorised her soft, pale skin. “I’m sorry it took me this long … I’m … I’m sorry I was an asshole to you. I’ve only ever wanted to protect you and make you happy. I just didn’t think your life should involve me.”

  Meredith scooted forward, released her hand from his, and curled it around the base of his neck. “I want you involved.” Then she kissed him deeply, allowing every inch of him to realise that his mouth, mind, and soul would miss her. When she broke their kiss, between heavy panting, she said, “Let down your walls, Sam. I promise you that I’ll never hurt you, if that’s what you’re so afraid of.”

  He shook his head and then gave her a chaste kiss. He’d never tire of her lips. And though he knew he never deserved to know them, he’d appreciate and savour them until the last touch of sunlight.

  “You could never hurt me, Meredith.”

  Not in the way I can hurt you.

  Sam watched as Meredith’s eyes roamed the laminated menu. Her hair appeared to have completely dried, and he stared as she had pulled the tie down and let those golden curls free. He’d never forget the sight. A vision that had been so quick to pass him. She had no idea how strong the effect she had on him was. Then she pointed at the menu, ordered her food, and thanked their waitress.

  “So you’re saying these pancakes are the best pancakes in the South Eastern suburbs?” Meredith leant in close, eyebrow raised and a sly grin on her face.

  “It’s a hidden gem.”

  “And how’d you find this place?”

  He sighed and then crossed his arms on the wooden table. “My dad used to bring me here on the way home from fishing at Lakes Entrance. It was a thing we used to do without Mum.”

  “Sounds like a great dad,” Meredith said.

  “He was …” Sam trailed off. The flash of sorrow in her eyes had him quickly straightening his back, realising that he had implied that his father had passed away. “He’s just an asshole now.”

  “Oh,” she breathed. “I’m sorry.”

  You have no idea.

  Sam hadn’t seen his father since the pregnancy news had hit his family. Bruce Michaels had walked out that night, and Sam was left with a mess he wasn’t sure he could ever fix. And by the grace of God, he was somehow sitting across from Meredith, the girl he’d wanted since the first glance she had sent his way. The girl he knew he never deserved. And the girl he was sure he’d hurt because of the choices he had made before she had pulled him out of the river.

  “What are you going to do when you finish year twelve?” He asked for two reasons. One, to avoid the subject of his father, and two, to get to know her. He’d had to obliterate several of his walls to let Meredith in. However, Beth and the baby, their wall had been strengthened with another layer of concrete. In order to be fair to Meredith, he had to separate Beth and the pregnancy from her.

  “Become a teacher, I suppose,” she answered with a shrug.

  “I thought you were gonna be a doctor or something.”

  Meredith shook her head. “No. I’d never get an ATAR score that high. All my units scale down.”

  “But you’re Meredith,” he exclaimed.

  “I know … and that’s what sucks,” she said in a sad voice.

  “Hey.” He grabbed her hands. “There’s nothing wrong with who you are.”

  She glanced down at their hands and then gave him a tight smile. “I’m not even close to being the Meredith people expect me to be. There’s no way I could be a doctor. There’s no trust there … I couldn’t do it.”

  “Okay. Then don’t be a doctor. Be a teacher,” he encouraged.

  “And what are you going to be once high school finishes?”

  “Something to do with politics,” he replied. “I don’t really have a plan. It kinda got mangled up in the shitshow that’s my life.”

  Meredith pulled her hands from his and slid out of the booth. If she had finally realised what a poor choice of company he was, then he should be celebrating, but the thought left him disappointed. To his surprise, she didn’t exit the restaurant. Instead, Meredith moved to sit next to him and took his right hand in hers. She threaded her fingers through his and then breathed out. Sam’s heart went into overdrive with her closeness. It was intimate. It was pure, and it felt natural. No one could take this away from him. Not Beth and certainly, not his father.

  “You’re eighteen, Sam. You’re allowed not to know what you want to do with your life,” Meredith said with a layer of gentleness in her voice.

  Sam stared at their linked hands. “What if I’m supposed to? What if someone depends on me to?” He glanced up to see that Meredith’s lips had parted as she mulled over his questions.

  “Here you are, kids,” their waitress said as she set down their order of pancakes.

  “Thanks,” Sam had said before she quickly left them.

  Just as he was about to pass Meredith her plate, her palm covered their hands, stopping him. Then she spoke the words that had torn down his remaining walls and kick-started his heart with her name marked all over it. “I’m sure whoever is depending on you is happy to wait until you understand who you are and what you want. I know this because they chose
the best possible person to depend on. You’ll find a way, Sam. I believe in you.”

  chapter sixteen

  MEREDITH

  Present

  “Okay, Beth, I’ll be right over,” Sam promised. “Tell him Dad’s on his way.”

  Dad.

  It was like a natural roll off his tongue. Sam had been a father for almost seven years. But for Meredith, this was the first time she had witnessed him stake claim. Before, he had said ‘his son,’ but to hear him titled as ‘Dad’ was something else. It also brought back the clenches in her chest. Unlike her, Sam had people who depended on him. And for Meredith, she could never claim Sam or his heart.

  There was just never any room for her.

  “I’m sorry, Meredith, but Josh needs me. He sometimes has trouble sleeping, and I have to go put him to bed,” he explained as he held up his phone for emphasis. Beth’s call had interrupted them just as he was about to explain what the truth was.

  As usual, bad timing.

  “Of course. He’s your son, Sam. I understand.” She couldn’t help the hint of disappointment in her voice. She wanted to know what the truth was. The truth she’d apparently been oblivious to for seven years.

  “No, Meredith …” Sam sighed as he shoved his phone into his pocket. “It’s not like that. I want to talk about how we handle this. I really do. I promise we will, but right now, I need to be with my son.”

  She nodded in agreement and glanced down at what she had retrieved from upstairs moments before. It was his old year twelve bomber jacket. The one he’d given her to wear on her eighteenth birthday. As she stared at the stitched gold ‘M’ on the sleeve, she had heard Sam mumble something before he made his way towards the door.