The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  Suddenly, he heard the loud sound of the front door slamming shut and a woman shouting, “SAM!”

  “In the office!”

  Several inhales and exhales later, Beth had entered the room. Her heavy footsteps across the floorboards echoed as she made her way to his desk, staring down at him. He knew what was coming. He should have expected it.

  “When were you going to tell me?” she asked, eyebrow raised and hands on her hips.

  Sam closed his MacBook with a sigh. “I spoke to her, and she won’t hurt him.”

  Beth let out an unbelievable laugh as she dropped her palms from the sides of her body. “I’m not worried about Josh.”

  “Then what’s with the whole barging into my house? I told you that key was just for emergencies or if Josh needed something from his room.”

  “I’m worried about you,” she confessed as she began to pace in front of him. He watched as she grasped a lock of her auburn hair and began to twirl it.

  “Why would you be worried about me for?”

  She ceased her pacing and faced him. “She’s back, Sam. You haven’t been serious with any other woman since her.”

  He rose from his chair. “Meredith being back means nothing, Beth. I spoke to her. If you’re not comfortable with her around Josh, I can ask her to quit. She offered to.”

  “She offered to quit?”

  He nodded. “She did. I don’t know why I was so surprised. Such a Meredith thing to do.” Sam rounded his desk and set his hands on Beth’s arms. “You have nothing to be worried about. Meredith is the past for me. She’s just our son’s teacher. She never meant anything.”

  Remorse swept through Beth’s face as her eyes washed over in a shine he hadn’t seen in years. He saw her guilt. He even felt it. “She’s the love of your life, Sam. She meant everything.”

  “She didn’t—”

  Beth shook her head and then swallowed hard. “I’ve watched you through the years. You’ve sacrificed everything for Josh and me, but it’s time you stopped doing that. We’re okay. I’m never gonna take him away from you. You’re his dad, and you’ll always be his dad. You have an established career. She’s back in town. The time is right for you both. You have to tell her how you really feel. You deserve to finally be happy, Sam. You have to stop denying every aspect of your life that involves her. You love her. Not me. And I hate that she has thought that for seven years.”

  “It’s not that easy, Beth,” he whispered. “I tore her heart out. I said things, terrible things, that she had to hear. I punished her for my mistakes. There’s no forgiving for what I did to her.”

  Memories latched on to his chest, weighing it down and causing the burning sensation in his eyes. He had punished Meredith when all she did was be there for him. She gave him compassion when he gave her destruction. She showed him light, and in return, he had given her darkness.

  She was everything.

  And he was nothing.

  Beth wrapped her fingers around his wrists and lowered his hands from her. “From everything that I’ve ever heard about her—from you, your mum, and Phil—I don’t think it’s in her nature not to forgive you. She’ll understand. Just tell her the truth.”

  Sam cringed. “You know what the truth means.”

  “I know,” she said with a nod. “But if anyone deserves to know the truth, she does. Like I said all those years ago—after everything we’ve been through, it’s time you go after her.”

  “I don’t know, Beth,” he mumbled as she frowned at him.

  “No more regrets, Sam. I can’t live like this anymore. With all this guilt. It’s not fair to you or Meredith. I don’t want Josh to grow up and think he’s why you gave her up.”

  “He won’t. I won’t let him. I did this so he could have the father he deserves.”

  After Beth left his house with a few of Josh’s comics in her hands, Sam had gotten into his silver Mercedes and driven away from his single story home. The same house financed by his career as a speechwriter. He hadn’t been able to afford his own home until he was twenty-three. He’d gotten his government car that same year, too. He had worked as an intern, beating out hundreds of applicants, before he started climbing the Labor Party ladder. It was a lot of late nights, but he was determined. He would not let Josh have a father who couldn’t provide for him. Throughout university, Sam had worked as a night filler at the local grocery store, stocking shelves to earn money for nappies and formula. He’d gotten a scholarship to Monash University with the help of his high ATAR score after high school. It was a blessing. One less thing he had to worry about.

  As he parked by the school, he glanced over to see it completely empty. No kids or parents. No usual lollipop lady with the butterfly pins on her vest waiting to let the children cross safely. The school day had well and truly ended. Any other day, he’d be apologising profusely to Josh for being late, but today was not his day to pick him up. And not once had Sam ever been late.

  This time, however, was not about his son.

  This was about him and Meredith.

  Just the thought of her alone sent the sweet heat unfurling in his chest and spiralling down to his stomach. Meredith had been the only woman he had ever loved. And truth be told, he still loved her. It had been hard to let her go, but his son had to come first. Yet he couldn’t continue to hide the entire truth from her. They had all been right. His mother, Phil, and Beth.

  Meredith Driessen had lived a lie.

  She believed them.

  She based her decisions off them.

  But the truth jeopardised not just him and Beth, but also Josh, too.

  Pushing the start/stop button of his keyless car, Sam turned off the ignition and slipped out of the car. As he entered the school grounds, he thought over all the reasons why wanting Meredith back in his life was a bad idea. But he had missed her. For seven years, he had missed her. For seven years, he had loved her. And for seven years, he had hated her for never coming back.

  At that moment, Sam had no idea what to do.

  Being fair meant hurting her.

  Being fair meant destroying him.

  Since the day he’d found out about Beth’s pregnancy, life hadn’t been very fair to him. Rather quite the opposite.

  “Sam?”

  He shifted his gaze to find Margot with a tub of different coloured plastic balls in her hands. She pressed her lips together, and she squinted at him. Margot was always a sceptic. No matter who you were, she was sceptical of your intentions. In fact, Margot wasn’t fond of many people in her life. And for Sam, he was sure she only tolerated him for her boyfriend, Phil’s, sake.

  “Hey.”

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, straight to the point and typical of her.

  “I’m—”

  She groaned. “I’m an idiot. You’re here to see Mere, right?”

  Mere.

  It had been a long time since he’d heard her nickname. Sam had never used it. It didn’t feel right. Her full name was as beautiful as they come. Fitting of her beauty and her kind soul—all the things Sam did not deserve. If there was someone you never bullshitted around, it was Margot Hepburn. And well, Sam had no patience for it today. He’d had seven years of it.

  “Yeah,” he said with a nod. “You know if she’s still here?”

  “This is not going to end well,” she murmured, but then she sighed. “She should be in her classroom tidying up.”

  “Thanks,” he said as he took a step towards the main building.

  “Don’t thank me,” she said, halting him. She approached him and set her free hand on his arm. “I think you’re a great guy, Sam. An excellent father. But when it comes to love, you’re clueless. See, I know I should be telling you to stay away from her, but I can’t. You’d find a way to her. But here’s the thing, that woman in that classroom, that’s not Meredit
h.” Tears now glistened her eyes. “I watched her from the door window, and it’s like a shell of her, you know? I thought bringing her back would be like old times, but it’s not. She’s so sad, and I don’t know how to make her laugh or smile. I don’t have my best friend back, and I came to terms with that at lunch when I saw the loneliness in her eyes. Maybe … Maybe you could …”

  The pang of guilt erupted in his chest. This was what his lies had done. Not to just Meredith, but to Margot, too.

  “Oh, Marg,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her. “What could I do?”

  Margot let out a soft sob. She wasn’t much of a crier. In fact, he had never seen her like this. Not even after Meredith had vanished from Warren Meadows. “Bring her back.”

  “How?” he asked as he circled his palm over her back, soothing her the way he did when Josh had bad dreams.

  “I don’t know.” She pushed off his chest and brushed away her tears with her free hand. “You owe it to all of us to bring her back. But the person you owe it to the most is you. I know that the happy-go-lucky Meredith Driessen is gone. She was gone long before you came along. But maybe the Meredith Driessen who hopelessly loved Samuel Michaels is still in there.”

  Sam clutched the back of his neck with his hand and began to rub it nervously. “I think that Meredith’s gone, Margot. You forget what I did.”

  She shook her head. “No,” she breathed out. “I’m looking past it. I gotta run. Just talk to her. I don’t think she’s really had any friends since high school.”

  Margot’s words simmered in his thoughts as she walked towards the school’s gym and Sam headed to Meredith’s classroom. He remembered the earlier stages of their friendship. Her sadness. The little ounce of helplessness in her blue eyes. She had been a pretender. Sam knew that. But along their turbulent time together, he’d looked past it. He’d been so selfish. Looking back, he was remorseful over the fact that he dominated their relationship.

  It had never been about her.

  Always about me.

  He wasn’t sure where life would take them. He had no idea if she’d take off again. But Margot was right. She was always right. He owed it to himself to bring her back. He had pushed her away, and it was time he brought her home. Brought back the Meredith he had destroyed.

  Once Sam had reached the classroom he had walked his son to on his first day of school, he let out a lengthy breath and willed his anxious heart to settle. He had to remind it that it could no longer claim her affections. But as always, the second he thought of Meredith, all the could-have-beens decided it was time he lived in moments of regret for a short while. Most times, they lasted hours, and other times, they’d last for several days. And after Meredith left, they had lasted months.

  Until Josh was born.

  He tapped his knuckles against the wooden frame of the already opened door. Meredith swung her gaze from the papers on her desk to him, surprise glittering in her blue eyes. Her reaction of seeing him was like it had been seven years ago. She appeared to be relieved to see him. Then she pressed her lips together, and that cautious Meredith was back to greet him.

  “Hey, Meredith, could we talk?” It sounded formal and definitely not how he wanted to deliver his question.

  She cleared her throat and stood up from her chair. “Of course,” she said, gesturing him into the classroom. She sounded professional, too. And he knew that she had heard the parental tone in his voice.

  It didn’t take him long to enter and cross the room until he was in front of her. Her dreams of being a teacher were realised. She had done it. He was staring at the Meredith she had wanted to be. She wanted to teach and inspire. She wanted to make an impact on a child’s education. But taking her in, he noticed her smile lacked confidence. Margot had been right. The Meredith who had loved him was long gone, and in her place were the beautiful, emotionally damaged remains of her.

  “Is this about Josh?” she asked. She had put some strength in her question, but he’d heard the crack in her voice.

  His silence made her anxious; he saw it in the way she pressed her right fingers into her left arm. His silence had always had that impact on her.

  “He’s a smart kid, Sam. I see you in him. The way he sees the world.” She smiled, and it brought with it that little sparkle in her eyes. The same sparkle he had been searching for.

  For Sam, just hearing her say how much of him she saw in Josh caused the clenching of his heart. It gripped the organ and squeezed. His love for his son was like no other, and he was proud of him. But for Meredith, as she stood in front of him, he knew what he wanted for her.

  The world was waiting for her to shine once more.

  To be that first touch of sunlight after winter had left for the year.

  For her to be the new season.

  To be the sweeter season full of beauty, purity, and hope.

  She had to be the spring in a world full of summers, autumns, and winters.

  “His favourite colour is yellow, Sam,” she whispered as she gazed down at her hand wrapped around her arm. “He says that it’s your favourite, too.” She lifted her chin, and her watery eyes met his. “Your favourite colour was blue. Mine was the colour of the first touch of sunlight.”

  And at that moment, Sam’s heart clenched in ferocious pain as the memories flooded his thoughts. All the memories he’d thought he had drowned the days after she left Warren Meadows.

  chapter nineteen

  SAM

  Seven years ago

  “This is amazing,” Phil said in awe as he took in the sonogram of Sam’s son. “He’s so tiny.”

  Sam let out a light laugh as he adjusted the air conditioning in his Jeep. He and Phil had left campus during lunch to go on a Macca’s run. It also gave Sam a chance to talk to his best friend without Margot overhearing.

  “Are you sure about this?” Phil asked as he handed Sam the picture.

  “Yeah, I’m sure.” Sam set the sonogram in the compartment next to the indicator.

  “I get it. You’re a good guy, Sam.” Phil reached over, took his drink from the holder, and began to sip it.

  “At least you think so,” he said in a low voice.

  Phil set the drink in the cup holder after he’d had several gulps of his Coke. “I’m real sorry about Meredith. I didn’t mean to do that. I shouldn’t have told Margot that, either.”

  Sam shook his head. “No. Don’t be. It was the right thing to do. I’m about to become a father. There’s no room in my life for Meredith. I should have known better.”

  “She asked about you.”

  “She did?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. During geography. She asked if you were okay. You know, because of your appointment.”

  Sam’s heart throbbed in his chest.

  She still cared.

  His fingers twitched at the thought. She cared enough to ask about his welfare.

  “I don’t like lying to her,” Phil added. “I don’t like it at all. I feel like a monster.”

  The guilt doubled inside Sam. He allowed his best friend to lie for him. To keep his secrets and lie to the people Phil loved the most. Telling Phil the truth made him an accomplice.

  “I’m sorry I put you in that position,” he said as he craned his neck to see the big grin on his best friend’s face.

  “You’re my best mate, Sam. I gotta support you. We’re in a big mess here, but we’ll get through it. I am about to become an uncle.” Phil’s phone chimed, and he pulled it out of his already opened schoolbag. He frowned at the message. “That’s Margot. She’s gonna stay back to study today. Might join her for a bit before footy practice. Ready to go back in?”

  “Yeah,” Sam agreed as he twisted the key in the ignition and turned the car off. “I gotta go back to my locker and pick up my economics textbook.”

  “Still can’t believe you’re taking ec
onomics,” Phil said disappointingly, as he picked up his bag. “Can I leave my rubbish in your car?”

  Sam nodded his head and collected their McDonald’s wrappers and drinks. “I got it, you pig.”

  Phil shot him a wink and then got out of the car. “Thanks, buddy,” he teased as he shut the door.

  Sam took his bag out from the backseat and then locked his car. He had disposed of their rubbish in the bin by the gate, and once they entered C-block, they heard the bell ring for the last period of the day.

  “I’ll see you later,” Phil said as he saluted his goodbye and entered the classroom to their right.

  Sam knew by the time he made it to his locker, he’d be late, but he didn’t mind. Mr Allen had always liked him and let those kinds of things pass. The student traffic around him had Sam trying to wiggle past everyone without causing injury.

  “I’ll see you this weekend, Mere!” a girl yelled out, catching Sam’s attention.

  Just ahead of him, in the middle of the hall, he saw Meredith smiling at the girl. Sam had recognised her as Whitney, one of the quieter girls in his maths class.

  Meredith nodded and said, “Definitely. I’ll see you at Luke’s party,” as Whitney began to walk away.

  “Meredith!” Sam called out.

  She swung her gaze towards him and her smile vanished. Then she shook her head and started to distance herself from him.

  “Meredith, wait. Can we just talk—”

  A regretful expression consumed her face. “I’m late for history.”

  Sam sidestepped one of the English teachers in his attempt to reach Meredith. When he finally caught up, he reached for her arm, but she took a large step away from him.

  “Please, Meredith,” he begged.

  She shook her head once again. “I gotta go. I’ll see you later.”

  “Please.” He tried once more.

  Her lips made a fine line. She appeared to mull over his desperate pleas.