The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  All he wanted was a second of her time. To explain Beth to her properly.

  “Have a great weekend, Sam,” she finally said and then left him alone in the quickly emptying hall.

  He was disappointed.

  He wasn’t sure why he had expected her to want to talk to him. She’d finally had enough. Sam had caused her too much pain. He had taken her kindness and compassion for granted.

  She shouldn’t have saved him.

  She should have let him go.

  She should have never let him get close.

  “She should have let me drowned,” he mumbled as he watched her walk towards class, knowing that Meredith Driessen had always been far too good for someone like Sam.

  Catching up on the work he’d missed when he’d taken the day off to be with Beth was causing Sam a headache. Besides maths not being his best subject, the politics paper he had to write was annoying. He also got stuck with Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser instead of his much favoured Prime Minister. John Curtin was one of Sam’s political heroes who had been the Prime Minister of Australia during the Second World War. But as disappointed as he was that he wouldn’t get to write a paper he knew he’d ace, he would trade a thousand John Curtins to hear his son’s heartbeat for the first time. However, getting John Curtin would have made his assignment easier. He could write pages on him and his policies. Malcolm Fraser, not so much. Maybe it was because Sam was a Labor Party supporter, and it was hard for him to side with the Liberal Party.

  Sam sighed. He should have gone straight home. But after economics, he had stayed in the classroom and pulled out his politics textbook. However, Sam knew the real reason for his struggle to write his paper.

  It was Meredith.

  She wanted nothing to do with him.

  He didn’t blame her.

  He’d made her his stand-in friend.

  She deserved all of his time and attention, but he’d played her for a fool.

  The beeping of his phone had Sam pulling it out of his pocket.

  Phil: I saw your dad near your car. I have footy practice, but I saw Meredith walking towards your Jeep. Drop the politics! You don’t want him near her in case he says anything about Beth.

  Sam shot out of his chair. Meredith must have stayed with Margot to study. With exams coming up, he wasn’t sure why he was so surprised to hear that she was still on school grounds. He quickly picked up his bag from the seat next to him and threw everything inside. Once he’d zipped it up, he bolted out of the classroom and towards the car park, not caring that he’d bumped into students and teachers on his way out.

  Not near Meredith.

  Give me this one ask.

  She can hate me forever, but she can’t be near him.

  Sam ran out of C-block and towards the gate that led to the car park. Once he was in visual distance of his black Jeep, he stopped for a second to catch his breath. That was when he noticed his father, Bruce Michaels, pointing his finger at her. He could just see Meredith pressing her back to his car door as the fear consumed her face. There was no thought process, no ifs or buts as he quickly stalked towards them.

  “You’re the one who’s turning my son against me! It’s you who’s changing him!” his father roared and then roughly grasped Meredith by her shoulders.

  He could hear and see her gasp.

  “Stop, please,” Meredith pleaded softly. It was just like her to try not to anger him further.

  “Get away from her!” Sam demanded in a loud voice.

  His father didn’t back off. In fact, it appeared as if he dug his fingers even deeper into Meredith’s shoulders. “Her, Samuel? What’s Beth going to say?”

  Meredith went rigid when she heard Beth’s name.

  No.

  “She doesn’t have anything to do with Beth.” Sam wrapped his hands around his father’s arm and pulled him off Meredith.

  “You’re a liar!” Bruce belted out.

  Sam nudged his father away from Meredith. Then he stepped in front of her, and without even thinking, he cupped her cheeks. His eyes roamed her face seeing the fear in her light blue eyes.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, terrified of what she’d say.

  If his father had hurt her, he wouldn’t hesitate to retaliate. Father or not, Meredith was innocent.

  She’d always been innocent.

  Meredith nodded. “I’m fine.”

  Sam had brushed her blonde hair out of her face before he dropped his hands from her and turned his attention back to Bruce. “Don’t you ever lay a finger on her again. You hear me? Don’t look at her. Don’t even breathe the same air as her! You don’t deserve to be near her.”

  His father popped out his chest. “And you do, Samuel? Does she know about Beth? About what you’ve done? Who you really are?”

  Before Sam could tell him to shut it, Bruce let out a low, sinister chuckle. Then he turned and casually strolled out of the car park like the asshole he was.

  “Sam,” Meredith whispered, no doubt wanting an explanation as to why his father had touched and hurt her.

  Sam removed his focus from his father’s back and to the nervous blue eyes that were before him.

  “I’m sorry,” she said remorsefully.

  He sighed at her self-blame. It caused him to feel even worse about himself. He couldn’t understand why she would apologise. And why her eyes flashed in guilt.

  “Meredith, I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t think he’d ever touch you.” His hands formed fists. If he’d just pushed her away after that night by the river, Bruce would have never gone near her. Would never have touched her. And never caused Meredith to fear for her safety.

  “It’s not your fault,” she said, trying to reassure him with a smile. A smile he didn’t quite understand. She’d wanted nothing to do with him just hours ago.

  Besides her rumpled school dress, she appeared okay. But Sam knew what kind of man his father was.

  He was the brutal kind.

  “Can you unbutton your dress, Meredith? I want to see the extent of his attack on you. I need to see where he’s hurt you,” he’d said between his heavy breaths that had tried to rid him of his rage.

  Meredith shook her head. “I’m fine, Sam.”

  He took a step closer. They were a kiss away, a breath away, from contact. All it would take was one movement, and their lips would touch as they had all those days ago. He was desperate to feel her mouth on his. He was desperate to hope for a future with her. He was desperate to have her in his arms. And he was desperate to see the good person in him.

  But he couldn’t see it.

  He saw it in the reflection her light blues had offered the morning after she’d helped pull him out of the river.

  “Please, Meredith? Please let me see.”

  She blinked once. “No, Sam,” she said firmly and without a hint of hesitation.

  She told me no.

  chapter twenty

  MEREDITH

  Present

  A bark had Meredith tearing her eyes from her reflection in the mirror to her dog staring at her.

  “So you don’t like the light blue eyeshadow?” Meredith asked Dutch.

  The border collie barked once more.

  She scrunched her nose up at him and then looked at the palette. “How about a midnight blue? It’s dark and has a little sparkle to it. You think Tony would like that?”

  Dutch let out a cry as he set his chin on her thigh. Meredith dropped a hand and petted the top of his head.

  “I know, boy. You don’t like Tony,” she said softly. “You miss Sam, huh?”

  Her dog let out a small whimper.

  “Well, Sam never wanted me.” Tears glazed over her eyes. “But it’s okay. I think he loved you, Dutch. How about you go lie down while I finish getting ready for my date?”

  Dutch
stayed, and Meredith rubbed behind his ear with a laugh.

  “All right. Stay and keep me company.” She gave her dog a smile as she returned her focus to the mirror. She hadn’t been on a date since before Jean Paul. In fact, they hadn’t even been on a date before they got together. A relationship that had ended as quickly as it had started. He’d wanted to get serious too soon. And tonight, four days after Sam stood in her classroom, she’d be going on a date with Tony. She had called him for a small chat, telling him that it had been great to see him. Then he’d asked her to dinner, and Meredith felt compelled to say yes.

  Four days.

  Four days since I last saw Sam.

  “What are you doing, Meredith?” she asked her reflection.

  As much as she tried not to think of him, it had been difficult. He’d said that his favourite colour was yellow the moment after she’d revealed that it was hers. Memories diluted her strength. Memories weakened every aspect of her fortress heart. Memories of them made her weak.

  “Why did you come back, Meredith?”

  “I’ve been lonely. I guess that’s why. Seven years of living my cold life wasn’t satisfying anymore. I needed to feel. I needed to be a little less lonely for a while.”

  Her answer had silenced him. Then after a few long moments, he had said goodbye and walked out of her classroom. And that was that. Meredith had driven home to her dog waiting by the door. Everything she had said to him was the truth. She just wanted the warmth of her old life, but returning to Warren Meadows had resurfaced the heat of her past.

  She could never get back what she lost. Especially when it wasn’t hers in the first place. It was time she lived by that notion. It was time she accepted her life for what it was.

  Without him.

  Without them.

  After she had finished applying her makeup, Meredith heard a loud knock from downstairs. She glanced down at the sleeping dog still resting his chin on her leg.

  “Come on, Dutch, I gotta go,” she said.

  Her dog’s eyes opened, and he moved his chin from her leg. Then he got up and waited by her bedroom door. Meredith brushed her straightened blonde hair behind her ear as she got up and picked up her clutch from the vanity. The woman staring back at her was a woman she didn’t know. She looked appealing. Almost pretty. But her eyes, they’d lost their shimmer. They had become transparent, showcasing the sadness she felt.

  But it had been her own fault.

  She had allowed herself to feel pain for far too long.

  Meredith made her way to her bedroom door and stopped once she palmed the handle. She then bent her knees so that she was eye-level with Dutch.

  “I’ll be home soon. You rest up, okay?” Meredith kissed his nose and then exited her bedroom, closing the door behind her. It took her seconds to make her way downstairs and to the front door. She glanced down at her tight dark blue dress. It hit just above the knees and had a small ‘V’ cut at the bust. It was definitely sexy. She hadn’t felt sexy in a long time. Not in the seven years since year twelve.

  She took a deep breath and then opened the front door to Tony Pascals standing there with a surprised expression on his face.

  “Wow,” he breathed.

  Meredith frowned. “Not too much?”

  He shook his head and stepped forward to kiss her cheek. “You look absolutely beautiful, Mere. Ready to go?”

  She felt her cheeks heat at his compliment. It had been some time since someone new had told her she looked beautiful. It was nice to hear.

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  “My little nephew—he’s five—has started li’l field hockey. My dreams are now his. Terrible, I know. But he loves watching my old footage,” Tony said as he cut into his steak.

  Meredith nodded along. Since they had arrived at the Romandi, an Italian restaurant in Old Berwick, he’d told her the details of his life. She hadn’t minded. It was nice to hear about how he had found his passion in land surveying after his career-ending injury.

  Tony had shut his mouth and a guilt-ridden expression consumed his face. “For the last hour, all I’ve talked about is me. My work. My family. My job. I’m sorry, Mere.” He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. Then he waved his left hand in the space between them. “Tell me about you and what you’ve been doing for the last seven years.”

  Meredith reached for her napkin and dabbed it against her lips. Then she set it back on the table. She smiled then shrugged a shoulder. “I lived in Rotterdam after exams finished. Besides that—” She paused, realising the extent of just how many years she had wasted. “Nothing. I became a teacher, and that was it.”

  “That’s it?” Tony appeared shocked. He scratched his head. “I always thought you got married and had kids. That’s why you didn’t come back to Warren Meadows.”

  She shook her head. That regret she’d felt all these years throbbed in her chest. Taking a deep breath hadn’t extinguished it. Nor did balling her fists. It lingered, just as it always had. “I didn’t have kids. Never got married.”

  “Did you date? Guys must have loved you.”

  She swallowed hard, uncomfortable with where their conversation was heading. “Nothing serious—”

  Tony’s phone was like a siren interrupting her. He let out an annoyed sigh as he pulled it from the inside of his black suit jacket.

  “It’s work. I’ll be back,” he said, sounding apologetic that he had to take the call. “I won’t be too long.” And then Tony was gone. She watched him walk towards the bathrooms.

  Meredith let out a long exhale and reached for her wine. She picked up the glass and squinted at the red liquid. One time when she was sixteen, she had taken a drink. It was a low point in her life. That was before her parents had gotten her Dutch. Her parents had never asked about what had upset her, and she knew they would blame themselves for never having done so if they knew. She knew it was never her fault, but at the time, the only person she could blame was herself.

  There was no real reason to hash it all out.

  No one could ever take the blame.

  Not now.

  Not anymore.

  “Excuse me?” a soft, feminine voice said.

  Meredith blinked at her plate of caponata. It was an Italian stew of eggplant and celery with a sweetened vinegar that Tony had said was amazing. She didn’t have the heart to tell him that she wasn’t very fond of the vegetarian dish—it wasn’t seasoned enough—but she had told him it was lovely. Just as she was about to turn her head, a redhead took Tony’s seat in front of her.

  She seemed familiar.

  She couldn’t be …

  “You’re Meredith, right?”

  The blood in Meredith’s veins turned cold. This could not be happening. That smile reminded her of one of the student’s she taught.

  “Uhh … y-yes …” she replied. The nervousness she felt boomed in her voice.

  The woman smiled. “You’re even more beautiful than the pictures.”

  “Pictures?”

  “Do you know who I am?” the woman asked, and fear flashed in her bright green eyes.

  Meredith remained quiet, unable to voice her name.

  The woman’s shoulders sagged. “I’m Beth Lewis,” she said in a small voice. “I think I ruined your life.”

  This is Beth.

  This is the woman he loved.

  This is the mother of his child.

  This is the woman I could never be.

  “You …” The violent beats her heart made had Meredith pausing. “You didn’t ruin my life, Beth.”

  Beth let out a small laugh. “You’re as sweet and as forgiving as Phil said.” She took a deep breath. “When I was eighteen, Sam had me promise—actually, it was more of a rule I had to follow—never to talk to you. But I’m tired of Sam.”

  “What?” Meredith ask
ed, completely confused.

  “You don’t want to be here with that guy, right? I can see it in your eyes. You’re still in love with Sam, and you must think I’m a monster. But Sam made his own choices. I tried to tell him that I could be a mother on my own. That I made the mistakes I had to be responsible for. I told him to go after you time and time again.”

  “I don’t—”

  “He’s still in love with you. He’s denied himself a reason to go after you because he’s scared of the truth coming out. To be honest, I am, too. But I can’t keep living with this guilt. If you still love him and are willing to forgive him for everything that was said and done, I think he could make you happy,” Beth confessed.

  “Why are you doing this?” Meredith asked in bewilderment.

  Beth was beautiful and sweet.

  Everything Meredith had thought she would be.

  A sad smile developed on Beth’s face. “Because I took a lot from you, Meredith.”

  “You took nothing away from me,” Meredith stated.

  She could never blame Beth.

  It was Sam and his reluctant heart.

  His unwillingness.

  Until that very moment, Meredith had never met Beth Lewis.

  “I should have told Sam no, that I could do it on my own, but he’s so stubborn. He still is. But he’s lonely, Meredith. When he found out that you left, I never saw that happy Sam again until our son was born. For a while, he resented the pregnancy, and then he’d feel guilty moments later.” Beth’s eyes watered. “I love Sam but not in that way. I love him as my best friend. I love him as my son’s father. But I’m not the love of his life. And for years, I’ve known that person is you. He’s been lonely. He’s never gotten over you. He became everything he wanted, but he never got you.” Tears now slid down Beth’s cheeks. “I see it in his eyes, Meredith. He regrets not being enough to keep you the most.”

  Meredith clenched her jaw, hoping she could keep her developing tears at bay. “I don’t know what to say.”