The Tinted Venus: A Farcical Romance

by F. Anstey

  AT LAST

  IX.

  "Does not the stone rebuke me For being more stone than it?"

  _Winter's Tale._

  "Yet did he loath to see the image fair, White and unchanged of face, unmoved of limb!"

  _Earthly Paradise._

  Leander's hand was very tremulous all the next day, as several indignantclients discovered, and he closed as early as he could, feeling itimpossible to attend to business under the circumstances.

  About seven o'clock he went up to his sitting-room. A difficult andungrateful task was before him. To facilitate her removal, he mustpersuade the goddess to take up a position in the saloon for the night;and, much as he had suffered from her, there was something traitorous indelivering her over to these coarse burglars.

  He waited until the statue showed signs of returning animation, and thensaid, "Good evening, mum," more obsequiously than usual.

  She never deigned to notice or return his salutations. "Hairdresser,"she said abruptly, "I am weary of this sordid place."

  He was pleased, for it furthered his views. "It isn't so sordid in thesaloon, where you stood the other evening, you know," he replied. "Willyou step down there?"

  "Bah!" she said, "it is _all_ sordid. Leander, a restlessness has comeupon me. I come back night after night out of the vagueness in which Ihave lain so long, and for what? To stand here in this mean chamber andproffer my favour, only to find it repulsed, disdained. I am tired ofit--tired!"

  "You can't be more tired of it than I am!" he said.

  "I ask myself," she went on, "why, having, through your means, ascendedonce more to the earth, which I left so fair, I seek not those thingswhich once delighted me. This city of yours--all that I have seen ofit--revolts me; but it is vast, vaster than those built by the mortalsof old. Surely somewhere there must be brightness in it and beauty, andthe colour and harmony by which men knew once to delight the godsthemselves. It cannot be that the gods of old are all forgotten; surely,somewhere there yet lingers a little band of faithful ones, who have notturned from Aphrodite."

  "I can't say, I'm sure," said Leander; "I could inquire for you."

  "I myself will seek for them," she said proudly. "I will go forth thisvery night."

  Leander choked. "To-night!" he cried. "You _can't_ go to-night."

  "You forget yourself," she returned haughtily.

  "If I let you go," he said hesitatingly, "will you promise faithfully tobe back in half an hour?"

  "Do you not yet understand that you have to do with a goddess--withAphrodite herself?" she said. "Who are you, to presume to fetter me byyour restrictions? Truly, the indulgence I have shown has turned yourweak brain."

  He put his back against the door. He was afraid of the goddess, but hewas still more afraid of the burglars' vengeance if they arrived to findthe prize missing.

  "I'm sorry to disoblige a lady," he said; "but you don't go out of thishouse to-night."

  In another minute he was lying in the fender amongst thefireirons--alone! How it was done he was too stunned to remember; butthe goddess was gone. If she did not return by midnight, what wouldbecome of him? If he had only been civil to her, she might have stayed;but now she had abandoned him to certain destruction!

  A kind of fatalistic stupor seized him. He would not run away--he wouldhave to come home some time--nor would he call in the police, for he hada very vivid recollection of Mr. Braddle's threat in such a contingency.

  He went, instead, into the dark saloon, and sat down in a chair to wait.He wondered how he could explain the statue's absence. If he told theburglars it had gone for a stroll, they would tear him limb from limb."I was so confoundedly artful about Potter," he thought bitterly, "thatthey'll never believe now I haven't warned him!"

  At every sound outside he shook like a leaf; the quarters, as theysounded from the church clock, sank like cold weights upon his heart."If only Venus would come back first!" he moaned; but the statue neverreturned.

  At last he heard steps--muffled ones--on the paved alley outside. He hadforgotten to leave the window unfastened, after all, and he was tooparalysed to do it now.

  The steps were in the little yard, or rather a sort of back area,underneath the window. "It may be only a constable," he tried to say tohimself; but there is no mistaking the constabulary tread, which is notfairy-like, or even gentle, like that he heard.

  A low whistle destroyed his last hope. In a quite unpremeditated mannerhe put out the gas and rolled under a leather divan which stood at theend of the room. He wished now, with all his heart, that he had run awaywhile he had the chance; but it was too late.

  "I hope they'll do it with a revolver, and not a knife," he thought."Oh, my poor Matilda! you little know what I'm going through just now,and what'll be going through _me_ in another minute!"

  A hoarse voice under the window called out, "Tweddle!"

  He lay still. "None o' that, yer skulker; I know yer there!" said thevoice again. "Do yer want to give me the job o' coming after yer?"

  After all, Leander reflected, there was the window and a thickhalf-shutter between them. It might be best not to provoke Mr. Braddleat the outset. He came half out of his hiding-place. "Is that you, Mr.Braddle?" he quavered.

  "Ah!" said the voice, affirmatively. "Is this what you call being readyfor us? Why, the bloomin' winder ain't even undone!"

  "That's what I'm here for," said poor Leander. "Is the--the othergentleman out there too?"

  "You mind your business! You'll find something the Count give me tobring yer; I've put it on the winder-sill out 'ere. And you obey hordersnext time, will yer?"

  The footsteps were heard retreating. Mr. Braddle was apparently goingback to fetch his captain. Leander let down the shutter, and opened thewindow. He could not see, but he could feel a thick, rough bundle lyingon the window-sill.

  He drew this in, slammed down the window, and ran up the shutter in asecond, before the two could have had time to discover him.

  "Now," he thought, "I _will_ run for it;" and he groped his way out ofthe dark saloon to the front shop, where he paused, and, taking a matchfrom his pocket, struck a light. His parcel proved to be roughsackcloth, on the outside of which a paper was pinned.

  Why did the Count write, when he was coming in directly? Curiosity madehim linger even then to ascertain this. The paper contained a hastyscrawl in blue chalk. "_Not to-night_," he read; "_arrangements stilluncomplete. Expect us to-morrow night without fail, and see thateverything is prepared. Cloth sent with this for packing goods. P----laid up with professional accident, and safe for a week or two. You musthave known this--why not say so last night? No trifling, if you valuelife!_"

  It was a reprieve--at the last moment! He had a whole day before him forflight, and he fully intended to flee this time; those hours of suspensein the saloon were too terrible to be gone through twice.

  But as he was turning out his cashbox, and about to go upstairs andcollect a few necessaries, he heard a well-known tread outside. He ranto the door, which he unfastened with trembling hands, and the statue,with the hood drawn closely round her strange painted face, passed inwithout seeming to heed his presence.

  She had come back to him. Why should he run away now, when, if he waitedone more night, he might be rescued from one of his terrors by means ofthe other?

  "Lady Venus!" he cried hysterically. "Oh, Lady Venus, mum, I thought youwas gone for ever!"

  "And you have grieved?" she said almost tenderly. "You welcome my returnwith joy! Know then, Leander, that I myself feel pleasure in returning,even to such a roof as this; for little gladness have I had from mywanderings. Upon no altar did I see my name shine, nor the perfumedflame flicker; the Lydian measures were silent, and the praise ofCytherea. And everywhere I went I found the same senseless troubledhaste, and pale mean faces of men, and squalor, and tumult. Grace andjoyousness have fled--even from your revelry! But I have seen your newgods, and understand: for, all grimy and mis-sh
apen and uncouth are theyas they stand in your open places and at the corners of your streets.Zeus, what a place must Olympus now be! And can any men worship suchmonsters, and be gladsome?"

  Leander did not perceive the very natural mistake into which the goddesshad fallen; but the fact was, that she had come upon some of our justlyrenowned public statues.

  "I'm sorry you haven't enjoyed yourself, mum," was all he could find tosay.

  "Should I linger in such scenes were it not for you?" she criedreproachfully. "How much longer will you repulse me?"

  "That depends on you, mum," he ventured to observe.

  "Ah! you are cold!" she said reproachfully; "yet surely I am worthy ofthe adoration of the proudest mortal. Judge me not by this marbleexterior, cunningly wrought though it be. Charms are mine, more dazzlingthan any your imagination can picture; and could you surrender yourbeing to my hands, I should be able to show myself as I reallyam--supreme in loveliness and majesty!"

  Unfortunately, the hairdresser's imagination was not his strongestpoint. He could not dissociate the goddess from the marble shape she hadassumed, and that shape he was not sufficiently educated to admire; hemerely coughed now in a deferential manner.

  "I perceive that I cannot move you," she said. "Men have grown strangelystubborn and impervious. I leave you, then, to your obstinacy; only takeheed lest you provoke me at last to wrath, for my patience is well-nighat an end!"

  And she was gone, and the bedizened statue stood there, staring hardlyat him with the eyes his own hand had given her.

  "This has been the most trying evening I've had yet," he thought. "Thankmy stars, if all goes well, I shall get rid of her by this timeto-morrow!"

  The next day passed uneventfully enough, though the unfortunateLeander's apprehensions increased with every hour. As before, he closedearly, got his apprentice safely off the premises, and sat down to waitin his saloon. He knew that the statue (which he had concealed duringthe day behind a convenient curtain) would probably recoverconsciousness for some part of the evening, as it had rarely failed todo, and prudence urged him to keep an eye over the proceedings of histormentress.

  To his horror, Aphrodite's first words, after awaking, expressed herintention of repeating the search for homage and beauty, which had beenso unsuccessful the night before!

  "Seek not to detain me, Leander," she said; "for, goddess as I am, I amdrooping under this persistent obduracy. Somewhere beyond this murkylabyrinth, it may be that I shall find a shrine where I am yethonoured. I will go forth, and never rest till I have found it, and mytroubled spirits are revived by the incense for which I have languishedso long. I am weary of abasing myself to such a contemptuous mortal, norwill I longer endure such indignity. Stand back, and open the gates forme! Why do you not obey?"

  He knew now that to attempt force would be useless; and yet if she lefthim this time, he must either abandon all that life held for him, andfly to distant parts from the burglars' vengeance--or remain to meet atoo probable doom!

  He fell on his knees before her. "Oh, Lady Venus," he entreated, "don'tleave me! I beg and implore you not to! If you do, you will kill me! Igive you my honest word you will!"

  The statue's face seemed irradiated by a sudden joy. She paused, andglanced down with an approving smile upon the kneeling figure at herfeet.

  "Why did you not kneel to me before?" she said.

  "WHY DID YOU NOT KNEEL TO ME BEFORE?"]

  "Because I never thought of it," said the hairdresser, honestly; "butI'll stay on my knees for hours, if only you won't go!"

  "But what has made you thus eager, thus humble?" she said, half inwonder and half in suspicion. "Can it be, that the spark I have soughtto kindle in your breast is growing to a flame at last? Leander, canthis thing be?"

  He saw that she was gratified, that she desired to be assured that thiswas indeed so.

  "I shouldn't be surprised if something like that was going on inside ofme," he said encouragingly.

  "Answer me more frankly," she said. "Do you wish me to remain withyou because you have learnt to love my presence?"

  It was a very embarrassing position for him. All depended upon hisconvincing the goddess of his dawning love, and yet, for the life ofhim, he could not force out the requisite tenderness; his imaginationwas unequal to the task.

  Another and a more creditable feeling helped to tie his tongue--a senseof shame at employing such a subterfuge in order to betray the goddessinto the lawless hands of these housebreakers. However, she must beinduced to stay by some means.

  "Well," he said sheepishly, "you don't give me a chance to love you, ifyou go wandering out every evening, do you?"

  She gave a low cry of triumph. "It has come!" she exclaimed. "What areclouds of incense, flowers, and homage, to this? Be of good heart; Iwill stay, Leander. Fear not, but speak the passion which consumes you!"

  He became alarmed. He was anxious not to commit himself, and yet employthe time until the burglars might be expected.

  "The fact is," he confessed, "it hasn't gone so far as that yet--it'sbeginning; all it wants is _time_, you know--time, and being let alone."

  "All Time will be before us, when once your lips have pronounced thewords of surrender, and our spirits are transported together to theenchanted isle."

  "You talk about me going over to this isle--this Cyprus," he said; "butit's a long journey, and I can't afford it. How _you_ come and go, Idon't know; but I've not been brought up to it myself. I can't flashacross like a telegram!"

  "Trust all to me," she said. "Is not your love strong enough for that?"

  "Not quite yet," he answered; "it's coming on. Only, you see, it's aserious step to take, and I naturally wish to feel my way. I declare,the more I gaze upon the--the elegant form and figger which I see beforeme, the stronger and the more irresistible comes over me a burningdesire to think the whole thing carefully over. And if you only allowedme a little longer to gaze (I've no time to myself except in theevenings), I don't think it would be long before this affair reached a'appy termination--I don't indeed!"

  "Gaze, then," she said, smiling--"gaze to your soul's content."

  "I mean no offence," he represented, having felt his way to a stroke ofsupreme cunning, "but when I feel there's a goddess inside of thisstatue, I don't know how it is exactly, but it puts me off. I can't fixmy thoughts; the--the passion don't ferment as it ought. If, supposingnow, you was to withdraw yourself and leave me the statue? I could gazeon it, and think of thee, and Cyprus, and all the rest of it, morecomfortable, so to speak, than what I can when you're animating of it,and making me that nervous, words can't describe it!"

  He hardly dared to hope that so lame and transparent a device wouldsucceed with her; but, as he had previously found, there was a certainspice of credulity and simplicity in her nature, which made it possibleto impose upon her occasionally.

  "It may be so," she said. "I overawe thee, perchance?"

  "Very much so," said he, promptly. "You don't intend it, I know; butit's a fact."

  "I will leave you to meditate upon the charms so faintly shadowed inthis image, remembering that whatever of loveliness you find herein willbe multiplied ten thousand-fold in the actual Aphrodite! Remain, then;ponder and gaze--and love!"

  He waited for a little while after the statue was silent, and then tookup the sacking left for him by Braddle; twice he attempted to throw itover the marble, and twice he recoiled. "It's no use," he said, "I can'tdo it; they must do it themselves!"

  He carefully unfastened the window at the back of his saloon, and,placing the statue in the centre of the floor, turned out the gas, andwith a beating heart stole upstairs to his bedroom, where (with his doorbolted) he waited anxiously for the arrival of his dreaded deliverers.

  He scarcely knew how long he had been there, for a kind of waking dreamhad come upon him, in which he was providing the statue with lightrefreshment in the shape of fancy pebbles and liquid cement, when thelong, low whistle, faintly heard from the back of the house, brought
himback to his full senses.

  The burglars had come! He unbolted the door and stole out to the top ofthe crazy staircase, intending to rush back and bolt himself in if heheard steps ascending; and for some minutes he strained his ears,without being able to catch a sound.

  At last he heard the muffled creak of the window, as it was thrown up.They were coming in! Would they, or would they not, be inhuman enough toforce him to assist them in the removal?

  They were still in the saloon; he heard them trampling about, moving thefurniture with unnecessary violence, and addressing one another in tonesthat were not caressing. Now they were carrying the statue to thewindow; he heard their labouring breath and groans of exertion under theburden.

  Another pause. He stole lower down the staircase, until he was outsidehis sitting-room, and could hear better. There! that was the thud asthey leapt out on the flagged yard. A second and heavier thud--thegoddess! How would they get her over the wall? Had they brought steps,ropes, or what? No matter; they knew their own business, and were notlikely to have forgotten anything. But how long they were about it!Suppose a constable were to come by and see the cart!

  There were sounds at last; they were scaling the wall--floundering,apparently; and no wonder, with such a weight to hoist after them! Morethuds; and then the steps of men staggering slowly, painfully away. Thesteps echoed louder from under the archway, and then died away insilence.

  Could they be really gone? He dared not hope so, and remained shiveringin his sitting-room for some minutes; until, gaining courage, hedetermined to go down and shut the window, to avoid any suspicion.Although now that the burglars were safely off with their prize, eventheir capture could not implicate him. He rather hoped they _would_ becaught!

  He took a lighted candle, and descended. As he entered the saloon, agust from the open window blew out the light. He stood there in the darkand an icy draught; and, beginning to grope about in the dark for thematches, he brushed against something which was soft and had acloth-like texture. "It's Braddle!" he thought, and his blood ran cold;"or else the Count!" And he called them both respectfully. There was noreply; no sound of breathing, even.

  Ha! here was a box of matches at last! He struck a light in feverishhaste, and lit the nearest gas-bracket. For an instant he could seenothing, in the sudden glare; but the next moment he fell back againstthe wall with a cry of horror and despair.

  For there, in the centre of the disordered room, stood--not the Count,not Braddle--but the statue, the mantle thrown back from her arms, andthose arms, and the folds of the marble drapery, spotted here and therewith stains of dark crimson!