The Tinted Venus: A Farcical Romance

by F. Anstey

  DAMOCLES DINES OUT

  X.

  "To feed were best at home."--_Macbeth._

  As soon as Leander had recovered from the first shock of horror anddisappointment, he set himself to efface the stains with which thestatue and the oilcloth were liberally bespattered; he was burning tofind out what had happened to make such desperadoes abandon their designat the point of completion.

  They both seemed to have bled freely. Had they quarrelled, or what? Hewent out into the yard with a hand-lamp, trembling lest he should comeupon one or more corpses; but the place was bare, and he then rememberedhaving heard them stumble and flounder over the wall.

  He came back in utter bewilderment; the statue, standing calm andlifeless as he had himself placed it, could tell him nothing, and hewent back to his bedroom full of the vaguest fears.

  The next day was a Saturday, and he passed it in the state of continualapprehension which was becoming his normal condition. He expected everymoment to see or hear from the baffled ruffians, who would, no doubt,consider him responsible for their failure; but no word nor sign camefrom them, and the uncertainty drove him very near distraction.

  As the night approached, he almost welcomed it, as a time when thegoddess herself would enlighten part of his ignorance; and he waitedmore impatiently than ever for her return.

  He was made to wait long that evening, until he almost began to thinkthat the marble was deserted altogether; but at length, as he watched,the statue gave a long, shuddering sigh, and seemed to gaze round thesaloon with vacant eyes.

  "Where am I?" she murmured. "Ah! I remember. Leander, while youslumbered, impious hands were laid upon this image!"

  "Dear me, mum; you don't say so!" exclaimed Leander.

  "It is the truth! From afar I felt the indignity that was purposed, andhastened to protect my image, to find it in the coarse grasp of godlessoutlaws. Leander, they were about to drag me away by force--away fromthee!"

  "I'm very sorry you should have been disturbed," said Leander; and hecertainly was. "So you came back and caught them at it, did you? Andwh--what did you do to 'em, if I may inquire?"

  "I know not," she said simply. "I caused them to be filled with madfury, and they fell upon one another blindly, and fought like wildbeasts around my image until strength failed them, and they sank to theground; and when they were able, they fled from my presence, and I sawthem no more."

  "You--you didn't kill them outright, then?" said Leander, not feelingquite sure whether he would be glad or not to hear that they hadforfeited their lives.

  "They were unworthy of such a death," she said; "so I let them crawlaway. Henceforth they will respect our images."

  "I should say they would, most likely, madam," agreed Leander. "I doassure you, I'm almost glad of it myself--I am; it served them bothright."

  "_Almost_ glad! And do you not rejoice from your heart that I yet remainto you?"

  "Why," said Leander, "it is, in course, a most satisfactory andagreeable termination, I'm sure."

  "Who knows whether, if this my image had once been removed from you, Icould have found it in my power to return?" she said; "for, I ween, thepower that is left me has limits. I might never have appeared to youagain. Think of it, Leander."

  "I was thinking of it," he replied. "It quite upsets me to think hownear it was."

  "You are moved. You love me well, do you not, Leander?"

  "Oh! I suppose I do," he said--"well enough."

  "Well enough to abandon this gross existence, and fly with me where nonecan separate us?"

  "I never said nothing about that," he answered.

  "But yesternight and you confessed that you were yielding--that ere longI should prevail."

  "So I am," he said; "but it will take me some time to yield thoroughly.You wouldn't believe how slow I yield; why, I haven't hardly begun yet!"

  "And how long a time will pass before you are fully prepared?"

  "I'm afraid I can't say, not exactly; it may be a month, or it mightonly be a week, or again, it may be a year. I'm so dependent upon theweather. So, if you're in any kind of a hurry, I couldn't advise you, asa honest man, to wait for me."

  "I will not wait a year!" she said fiercely. "You mock me with suchwords. I tell you again that my forbearance will last but littlelonger. More of this laggard love, and I will shame you before yourfellow-men as an ingrate and a dastard! I will; by my zone, I will!"

  "Now, mum, you're allowing yourself to get excited," said Leander,soothingly. "I wouldn't talk about it no more this evening; we shall dono good. I can't arrange to go with you just yet, and there's an end ofit."

  "You will find that that is not the end of it, clod-witted slave thatyou are!"

  "Now, don't call names; it's beneath you."

  "Ay, indeed! for are not _you_ beneath me? But for very shame I will notabandon what is justly mine; nor shall you, wily and persuasivehairdresser though you be, withstand my sovereign will with impunity!"

  "So you say, mum!" said Leander, with a touch of his nativeimpertinence.

  "As I say, I shall act; but no more of this, or you will anger me beforethe time. Let me depart."

  "I'm not hindering you," he said; but she did not remain long enough toresent his words. He sat down with a groan. "Whatever will become ofme?" he soliloquized dismally. "She gets more pressing every evening,and she's been taking to threatening dreadful of late.... If the Countand that Braddle ever come back now, it won't be to take her off myhands; it'll more likely be to have my life for letting them into such atrap. They'll think it was some trick of mine, I shouldn't wonder....And to-morrow's Sunday, and I've got to dine with aunt, and meet Matildaand her ma. A pretty state of mind I'm in for going out to dinner, afterthe awful week I've had of it! But there'll be some comfort in seeing mydarling Tillie again; _she_ ain't a statue, bless her!"

  "As for you, mum," he said to the unconscious statue, "I'm going to lockyou up in your old quarters, where you can't get out and do mischief. Ido think I'm entitled to have my Sunday quiet."

  After which he contrived to toil upstairs with the image, not withoutconsiderable labour and frequent halts to recover his breath; foralthough, as we have already noted, the marble, after being infused withlife, seemed to lose something of its normal weight, it was no lightburden, even then, to be undertaken single-handed.

  He slept long and late that Sunday morning; for he had been toopreoccupied for the last few days to make any arrangements for attendingchapel with his Matilda, and he was in sore need of repose besides. Sohe rose just in time to swallow his coffee and array himself carefullyfor his aunt's early dinner, leaving his two Sunday papers--thetheatrical and the general organs--unread on his table.

  It was a foggy, dull day, and Millman Street, never a cheerfulthoroughfare, looked gloomier than ever as he turned into it. But one ofthose dingy fronts held Matilda--a circumstance which irradiated theentire district for him.

  He had scarcely time to knock before the door was opened by Matilda inperson. She looked more charming than ever, in a neat dark dress, with alittle white collar and cuffs. Her hair was arranged in a new fashion,being banded by a neat braided tress across the crown; and her greyeyes, usually serene and cold, were bright and eager.

  The hairdresser felt his heart swell with love at the sight of her. Whata lucky man he was, after all, to have such a girl as this to care forhim! If he could keep her--ah, if he could only keep her!

  "I told your aunt _I_ was going to open the door to you," she said. "Iwanted----Oh, Leander, you've not brought it, after all!"

  "Meaning what, Tillie, my darling?" said Leander.

  "Oh, you know--my cloak!"

  He had had so much to think about that he had really forgotten the cloakof late.

  "Well, no, I've not brought that--not the cloak, Tillie," he saidslowly.

  "What a time they are about it!" complained Matilda.

  "You see," explained the poor man, "when a cloak like that is damaged,it has to be sent back to the manu
facturers to be done, and they've somany things on their hands. I couldn't promise that you'll have thatcloak--well, not this side of Christmas, at least."

  "You must have been very rough with it, then, Leander," she remarked.

  "I was," he said. "I don't know how I came to _be_ so rough. You see, Iwas trying to tear it off----" But here he stopped.

  "Trying to tear it off what?"

  "Trying to tear it off nothink, but trying to tear the wrapper off _it_.It was so involved," he added, "with string and paper and that; and I'ma clumsy, unlucky sort of chap, sweet one; and I'm uncommon sorry aboutit, that I am!"

  "Well, we won't say any more about it," said Matilda, softened by hiscontrition. "And I'm keeping you out in the passage all this time. Comein, and be introduced to mamma; she's in the front parlour, waiting tomake your acquaintance."

  Mrs. Collum was a stout lady, with a thin voice. She struck a namelessfear into Leander's soul as he was led up to where she sat. Hethought that she contained all the promise of a very terriblemother-in-law.

  SHE STRUCK A NAMELESS FEAR INTO LEANDER'S SOUL.]

  "This is Leander, mamma dear," said Matilda, shyly and yet proudly.

  Her mother inspected him for a moment, and then half closed her eyes."My daughter tells me that you carry on the occupation of ahairdresser," she said.

  "Quite correct, madam," said Leander; "I do."

  "Ah! well," she said, with an unconcealed sigh, "I could have wished tolook higher than hairdressing for my Matilda; but there areopportunities of doing good even as a hairdresser. I trust you aresensible of that."

  "I try to do as little 'arm as I can," he said feebly.

  "If you do not do good, you must do harm," she said uncompromisingly."You have it in your means to be an awakening influence. No one knowsthe power that a single serious hairdresser might effect with worldlycustomers. Have you never thought of that?"

  "Well, I can't say I have exactly," he said; "and I don't see how."

  "There are cheap and appropriate illuminated texts," she said, "to behad at so much a dozen; you could hang them on your walls. There aretracts you procure by the hundred; you could put them in the lining ofhats as you hang them up; you could wrap them round your--your bottlesand pomatum-pots. You could drop a word in season in your customer's earas you bent over him. And you tell me you don't see how; you _will_ notsee, I fear, Mr. Tweddle."

  "I'm afraid, mum," he replied, "my customers would consider I was takingliberties."

  "And what of that, so long as you save them?"

  "Well, you see, I shouldn't--I should _lose_ 'em! And it's not done inour profession; and, to tell you the honest truth, I'm not given thatway myself--not to the extent of tracks and suchlike, that is."

  Matilda's mother groaned; it was hard to find a son-in-law with whom shehad nothing in common, and who was a hairdresser into the bargain.

  "Well, well," she said, "we must expect crosses in this life; though formy own daughter to lay this one upon me is--is----But I will notrepine."

  "I'm sorry you regard me in the light of a cross," said Leander; "but,whether I'm a cross or a naught, I'm a respectable man, and I love yourdaughter, mum, and I'm in a position to maintain her."

  Leander hated to have to appear under false pretences, of which he hadhad more than enough of late. He was glad now to speak out plainly,particularly as he had no reason to fear this old woman.

  "Hush, Leander! Mamma didn't mean to be unkind; did you, mamma?" saidMatilda.

  "I said what I felt," she said. "We will not discuss it further. If, intime, I see reason for bestowing my blessing upon a choice which atpresent----But no matter. If I see reason in time, I will not withholdit. I can hardly be expected to approve at present."

  "You shall take your own time, mum; _I_ won't hurry you," said Leander."Tillie is blessing enough for me--not but what I shall be glad to be ona pleasant footing with you, I'm sure, if you can bring yourself to it."

  Before Mrs. Collum could reply, Miss Louisa Tweddle made an opportuneappearance, to the relief of Matilda, in whom her mother's attitude wascausing some uneasiness.

  Miss Tweddle was a well-preserved little woman, with short curlyiron-grey hair and sharp features. In manner she was brisk, not to saychirpy, but she secreted sentiment in large quantities. She was very farfrom the traditional landlady, and where she lost lodgers occasionallyshe retained friends. She regarded Mrs. Collum with something likereverence, as an acquaintance of her youth who had always occupied asuperior social position, and she was proud, though somewhat guiltilyso, that her favourite nephew should have succeeded in captivating thedaughter of a dentist.

  She kissed Leander on both cheeks. "He's done the best of all mynephews, Mrs. Collum, ma'am," she explained, "and he's never caused me amoment's anxiety since I first had the care of him, when he was firstapprenticed to Catchpole's in Holborn, and paid me for his board."

  "Well, well," said Mrs. Collum, "I hope he never may cause anxiety toyou, or to any one."

  "I'll answer for it, he won't," said his aunt. "I wish you could see himdress a head of hair."

  Mrs. Collum shut her eyes again. "If at his age he has not acquired thenecessary skill for his line in life," she observed, "it would be a verymelancholy thing to reflect upon."

  "Yes, wouldn't it?" agreed Miss Tweddle; "you say very truly, Mrs.Collum. But he's got ideas and notions beyond what you'd expect in ahairdresser--haven't you, Leandy? Tell Miss Collum's dear ma about thenew machines you've invented for altering people's hands and eyes andfeatures."

  "I don't care to be told," the lady struck in. "To my mind, it's nothingless than sheer impiety to go improving the features we've been endowedwith. We ought to be content as we are, and be thankful we've been sentinto the world with any features at all. Those are my opinions!"

  "Ah," said the politic Leander, "but some people are saved having resortto Art for improvement, and we oughtn't to blame them as are lessfavoured for trying to render themselves more agreeable as spectacles,ought we?"

  "And if every one thought with you," added his aunt, with distinctlyinferior tact, "where would your poor dear 'usband have been, Mrs.Collum, ma'am?"

  "My dear husband was not on the same level--he was a medical man; and,besides, though he replaced Nature in one of her departments, he had toomuch principle to _imitate_ her. Had he been (or had I allowed him tobe) less conscientious, his practice would have been largely extended;but I can truthfully declare that not a single one of his false teethwas capable of deceiving for an instant. I hope," she added to Leander,"you, in your own different way, are as scrupulous."

  "Why, the fact is," said Leander, whose professional susceptibilitieswere now aroused, "I am essentially an artist. When I look around, I seethat Nature out of its bounty has supplied me with a choice selection ofpatterns to follow, and I reproduce them as faithful as lies within myabilities. You may call it a fine thing to take a blank canvas, andrepresent the luxurious tresses and the blooming hue of 'ealth upon it,and so do I; but I call it a still higher and nobler act to produce asimilar effect upon a human 'ed!"

  "Isn't that a pretty speech for a young man like him--onlytwenty-seven--Mrs. Collum?" exclaimed his admiring aunt.

  "You see, mamma dear," pleaded Matilda, who saw that her parent remainedunaffected, "it isn't as if Leander was in poor papa's profession."

  "I hope, Matilda," said the lady sharply, "you are not going to pain meagain by mentioning this young man and your departed father in the samebreath, because I cannot bear it."

  "The old lady," reflected Leander here, "don't seem to take to me!"

  "I'm sure," said Miss Tweddle, "Leandy quite feels what an honour it isto him to look forward to such a connection as yours is. When I firstheard of it, I said at once, 'Leandy, you can't never mean it; she won'tlook at you; it's no use your asking her,' I said. And I quite scoldedmyself for ever bringing them together!"

  Mrs. Collum seemed inclined to follow suit, but she restrained herself."Ah! well," she observ
ed, "my daughter has chosen to take her own way,without consulting my prejudices. All I hope is, that she may neverrepent it!"

  "Very handsomely said, ma'am," chimed in Miss Tweddle; "and, if I knowmy nephew, repent it she never will!"

  Leander was looking rather miserable; but Matilda put out her hand tohim behind his aunt's back, and their eyes and hands met, and he washappy again.

  "You must be wanting your dinner, Mrs. Collum," his aunt proceeded; "andwe are only waiting for another lady and gentleman to make up the party.I don't know what's made them so behindhand, I'm sure. He's a verypleasant young man, and punctual to the second when he lodged with me. Ihappened to run across him up by Chancery Lane the other evening, and hesaid to me, in his funny way, 'I've been and gone and done it, MissTweddle, since I saw you. I'm a happy man; and I'm thinking of bringingmy young lady soon to introduce to you.' So I asked them to come andtake a bit of dinner with me to-day, and I told him two o'clock sharp,I'm sure. Ah, there they are at last! That's Mr. Jauncy's knock, among athousand."

  Leander started. "Aunt!" he cried, "you haven't asked Jauncy hereto-day?"

  "Yes, I did, Leandy. I knew you used to be friends when you weretogether here, and I thought how nice it would be for both your youngladies to make each other's acquaintance; but I didn't tell _him_anything. I meant it for a surprise."

  And she bustled out to receive her guests, leaving Leander speechless.What if the new-comers were to make some incautious reference to thatpleasure-party on Saturday week? Could he drop them a warning hint?

  "Don't you like this Mr. Jauncy, Leander?" whispered Matilda, who hadobserved his ghastly expression.

  "I like him well enough," he returned, with an effort; "but I'd ratherwe had no third parties, I must say."

  Here Mr. Jauncy came in alone, Miss Tweddle having retired to assist thelady to take off her bonnet.

  Leander went to meet him. "James," he said in an agitated whisper, "haveyou brought Bella?"

  Jauncy nodded. "We were talking of you as we came along," he said in thesame tone, "and I advise you to look out--she's got her quills up, oldchap!"

  "What about?" murmured Leander.

  Mr. Jauncy's grin was wider and more appreciative than ever as hereplied, mysteriously, "Rosherwich!"

  Leander would have liked to ask in what respect Miss Parkinsonconsidered herself injured by the expedition to Rosherwich; but, beforehe could do so, his aunt returned with the young lady in question.

  Bella was gorgeously dressed, and made her entrance with the stiffestpossible dignity. "Miss Parkinson, my dear," said her hostess, "youmustn't be made a stranger of. That lady sitting there on the sofa isMrs. Collum, and this gentleman is a friend of _your_ gentleman's, andmy nephew, Leandy."

  "Oh, thank you," said Bella, "but I've no occasion to be told Mr.Tweddle's name; we have met before--haven't we, Mr. Tweddle?"

  He looked at her, and saw her brows clouded, and her nose and mouth witha pinched look about them. She was annoyed with him evidently--but why?

  "We have," was all he could reply.

  "Why, how nice that is, to be sure!" exclaimed his aunt. "I might havethought of it, too, Mr. Jauncy, and you being such friends and all. Andp'r'aps you know this lady, too--Miss Collum--as Leandy is keepingcompany along with?"

  Bella's expression changed to something blacker still. "No," she said,fixing her eyes on the still unconscious Leander; "I made sure that Mr.Tweddle was courting _a_ young lady, but--but--well, this _is_ asurprise, Mr. Tweddle! You never told us of this when last we met. Ishall have news for somebody!"

  "Oh, but it's only been arranged within the last month or two!" saidMiss Tweddle.

  "Considering we met so lately, he might have done us the compliment ofmentioning it, I must say!" said Bella.

  "I--I thought you knew," stammered the hairdresser; "I told----"

  "No, you didn't, excuse me; oh no, you didn't, or some things would havehappened differently. It was the place and all that made you forget it,very likely."

  "When did you meet one another, and where was it, Miss Parkinson?"inquired Matilda, rather to include herself in the conversation thanfrom any devouring curiosity.

  Leander struck in hoarsely. "We met," he explained, "some time since,quite casual."

  Bella's eyes lit up with triumphant malice. "What!" she said, "do youcall yesterday week such a long while? What a compliment that is,though! And so he's not even mentioned it to you, Miss Collum? Dear me,I wonder what reasons he had for that, now!"

  "There's nothing to wonder at," said Leander; "my memory does play metricks of that sort."

  "Ah, if it was only you it played tricks on! There's Miss Collum dyingto know what it's all about, I can see."

  "Indeed, Miss Parkinson, I'm nothing of the sort," retorted Matilda,proudly. Privately her reflection was: "She's got a lovely gown on, butshe's a common girl, for all that; and she's trying to set me againstLeander for some reason, and she shan't do it."

  "Well," said Bella, "you're a fortunate man, Mr. Tweddle, that you are,in every way. I'm afraid I shouldn't be so easy with my James."

  "There's no need for being afraid about it," her James put in; "youaren't!"

  "I hope you haven't as much cause, though," she retorted.

  Leander listened to her malicious innuendo with a bewildered agony. Whyon earth was she making this dead set at him? She was amiable enough onSaturday week. It never occurred to him that his conduct to her sistercould account for it, for had he not told Ada straightforwardly how hewas situated?

  Fortunately dinner was announced to be ready just then, and Bella wassilenced for the moment in the general movement to the next room.

  Leander took in Matilda's mamma, who had been studiously abstractingherself from all surrounding objects for the last few minutes. "ThatBella is a downright basilisk," he thought dismally, as he led the way."Lord, how I do wish dinner was done!"