The Tinted Venus: A Farcical Romance

by F. Anstey

  THE ODD TRICK

  XV.

  "O heart of stone, are you flesh, and caught By that you swore to withstand?"

  _Maud._

  Outside on the stairs Leander suddenly remembered that his purposemight be as far as ever from being accomplished. The house was beingwatched: to be seen leaving it would procure his instant arrest.

  Hastily excusing himself to the goddess, he rushed down to hislaboratory, where he knew there was a magnificent beard and moustachewhich he had been constructing for some amateur theatricals. With these,and a soft felt hat, he completed a disguise in which he flatteredhimself he was unrecognisable.

  The goddess, however, penetrated it as soon as he rejoined her. "Whyhave you thus transformed yourself?" she inquired coldly.

  "Because," explained Leander, "seeing the police are all on the look-outfor me, I thought it couldn't do any harm."

  "It is useless!" she returned.

  "To be sure," he agreed blankly, "they'll expect me to go out disguised.If only they aren't up to the way out by the back! That's our onlychance now."

  "Leave all to me," she replied calmly; "with Aphrodite you are safe."

  And he never did quite understand how that strange elopement waseffected, or even remember whether they left the house from the front orrear. The statue glided swiftly on, and, grasping a corner of her robe,he followed, with only the vaguest sense of obstacles overcome andpassed as in a dream.

  By the time he had completely regained his senses he was in a crowdedthoroughfare, which he recognised as the Gray's Inn Road.

  A certain scheme from which, desperate as it was, he hoped much, mightbe executed as well here as elsewhere, and he looked about him for theaid on which he counted.

  "Where, then, lives the wise man whom you would consult?" saidAphrodite.

  Leander went on until he could see the coloured lights of a chemist'swindow, and then he said, "There--right opposite!"

  He felt strangely nervous himself, but the goddess seemed even more so.She hung back all at once, and clutched his arm in her marble grasp.

  "Leander," she said, "I will not go! See those liquid fires glowing inlurid hues, like the eyes of some dread monster! This test of yours isneedless, and I fear it."

  "Lady Venus," he said earnestly, "I do assure you they're only bigbottles, and quite harmless too, having water in them, not physic.You've no call to be alarmed."

  She yielded, and they crossed the road. The shop was small andunpretending. In the window the chief ornaments were speckled plasterlimbs clad in elastic socks, and photographs of hideous complaintsbefore and after treatment with a celebrated ointment; and there werecertain trophies which indicated that the chemist numbered dentistryamong his accomplishments.

  Inside, the odour of drugs prevailed, in the absence of the subtleperfume that is part of the fittings of a fashionable apothecary, and onthe very threshold the goddess paused irresolute.

  "There is magic in the air," she exclaimed, "and fearful poisons. Thisman is some enchanter!"

  "Now I put it to you," said Leander, with some impatience, "does he_look_ it?"

  The chemist was a mild little man, with a high forehead, roundspectacles, a little red beak of a nose, and a weak grey beard. As theyentered, he was addressing a small and draggled child from behind hiscounter. "Go back and tell your mother," he said, "that she must comeherself. I never sell paregoric to children."

  There was so little of the wizard in his manner that the goddess, whopossibly had some reason to mistrust a mortal magician, was reassured.

  As the child retired, the chemist turned to them with a look of blandand dignified inquiry (something, perhaps the consciousness of havingonce passed an examination, sustains the meekest chemist in an inwardsuperiority). He did not speak.

  Leander took it upon himself to explain. "This lady would be glad to betold whether a ring she's got on is the real article or only imitation,"he said, "so she thought you could decide it for her."

  "Not so," corrected the goddess, austerely. "For myself I care not!"

  "Have it your own way!" said Leander. "_I_ should like to be told, then.I suppose, mister, you've some way of testing these things?"

  "Oh yes," said the chemist; "I can treat it for you with what we call_aquafortis_, a combination of nitric and hydrochloric acid, which wouldtell us at once. I ought to mention, perhaps, that so extremely powerfulan agent may injure the appearance of the metal if it is of inferiorquality. Will the lady oblige me with the ring?"

  Aphrodite extended her hand with haughty indifference. The chemistexamined the ring as it circled her finger, and Leander held his breathin tortures of anxiety. A horrible fear came over him that his deep-laidscheme was about to end in failure.

  But the chemist remarked at last: "Exactly; thank you, madam. The goldis antique, certainly; but I should be inclined to pronounce it, atfirst sight, genuine. I will ascertain how this is, if you will take thetrouble to remove the ring and pass it over!"

  "Why?" demanded Aphrodite, obstinately.

  "I could not undertake to treat it while it remains upon your hand," heprotested. "The acid might do some injury!"

  "It matters not!" she said calmly; and Leander recollected with horrorthat, as any injury to her statue would have no physical effect upon thegoddess herself, she could not be much influenced by the chemist'sreason.

  "Do what the gentleman tells you," he said, in an eager whisper, as hedrew her aside.

  "I know your wiles, O perfidious one," she said. "Having induced me toremove this token, you would seize it yourself, and take to flight! Iwill not remove this ring!"

  "There's a thing to say!" said Leander; "there's a suspicion to throwagainst a man! If you think I'm likely to do that, I'll go right overhere, where I can't even see it, and I won't stir out till it's allover. Will that satisfy you? You know why I'm so anxious about thatring; and now, when the gentleman tells you he's almost sure it'sgold----"

  "It _is_ gold!" said the goddess.

  "If you're so sure about it," he retaliated, "why are you afraid to haveit proved?"

  "I am not afraid," she said; "but I require no proof!"

  "I do," he retorted, "and what I told you before I stand to. If thatring is proved--in the only way it can be proved, I mean, by thisgentleman testing it as he tells you he can--then there's no more to besaid, and I'll go away with you like a lamb. But without that proof Iwon't stir a step, and so I tell you. It won't take a moment. You cansee for yourself that I couldn't possibly catch up the ring from here!"

  "Swear to me," she said, "that you will remain where you now stand; andremember," she added, with an accent of triumph, "our compact is that,should yonder man pronounce that the ring has passed through the testwith honour, you will follow me whithersoever I bid you!"

  "You have only to lead the way," he said, "and I promise you faithfullyI'll follow."

  Goddesses may be credited with some knowledge of the precious metals,and Aphrodite had no doubt of the result of the chemist'sinvestigations. So it was with an air of serene anticipation that sheleft Leander upon this, and advanced to the chemist's counter.

  "Prove it now," she said, "quickly, that I may go!"

  The chemist, who had been waiting in considerable bewilderment, preparedhimself to receive the ring, and Leander, keeping his distance, felt hisheart beating fast as Aphrodite slowly drew the token from her finger,and placed it in the chemist's outstretched hand.

  Scarcely had she done so, as the chemist was retiring with the ring toone of his lamps, before the goddess seemed suddenly aware that she hadcommitted a fatal error.

  She made a stride forward to follow and recover it; but, as if someunseen force was restraining her, she stopped short, and a rush ofwhirling words, in some tongue unknown both to Leander and the chemist,forced its way through lips that smiled still, though they were freezingfast.

  Then, with a strange hoarse cry of baffled desire and revenge, shesucceeded, by a violen
t effort, in turning, and bore down withtremendous force upon the cowering hairdresser, who gave himself up atonce for lost.

  But the marble was already incapable of obeying her will. Within a fewpaces from him the statue stopped for the last time, with an abruptnessthat left it quivering and rocking. A greyish hue came over the face,causing the borrowed tints to stand forth, crude and glaring; the armswaved wildly and impotently once or twice, and then grew still for ever,in the attitude conceived long since by the Grecian sculptor!

  Leander was free! His hazardous experiment had succeeded. As it was thering which had brought the passionate, imperious goddess into her marblecounterfeit, so--the ring once withdrawn--her power was instantly at anend, and the spell which had enabled her to assume a form of stone wasbroken.

  He had hoped for this, had counted upon it, but even yet hardly dared tobelieve in his deliverance.

  He had not done with it yet, however; for he would have to get thestatue out of that shop, and abandon it in some manner which would notcompromise himself, and it is by no means an easy matter to mislay alife-size and invaluable antique without attracting an inconvenientamount of attention.

  The chemist, who had been staring meanwhile in blank astonishment, nowlooked inquiringly at Leander, who looked helplessly at him.

  At last the latter, unable to be silent any longer, said, "The ladyseems unwell, sir."

  "Why," Leander admitted, "she does appear a little out of sorts."

  "Has she had these attacks before, do you happen to know?"

  "She's more often like this than not," said Leander.

  "Dear me, sir; but that's very serious. Is there nothing that givesrelief?--a little sal volatile, now? Does the lady carry smelling salts?If not, I could----" And the chemist made an offer to come from behindhis counter to examine the strange patient.

  "No," said Leander, hastily. "Don't you trouble--you leave her to me. Iknow how to manage her. When she's rigid like this, she can't bear to betaken notice of."

  He was wondering all the time how he was to get away with her, until thechemist, who seemed at least as anxious for her departure, suggested theanswer: "I should imagine the poor lady would be best at home. Shall Isend out for a cab?" he asked.

  "Yes," said Leander, gratefully; "bring a hansom. She'll come roundbetter in the open air;" for he had his doubts whether the statue couldbe stowed inside a four-wheeler.

  "I'll go myself," said the obliging man; "my assistant's out. Perhapsthe lady will sit down till the cab comes?"

  "Thanks," said Leander; "but when she's like this, she's beenrecommended to stand."

  The chemist ran out bare-headed, to return presently with a cab and asmall train of interested observers. He offered the statue his arm tothe cab-door, an attention which was naturally ignored.

  "We shall have to carry her there," said Leander.

  "Why, bless me, sir," said the chemist, as he helped to lift her,"she--she's surprisingly heavy!"

  "Yes," gasped Leander, over her unconscious shoulder; "when she goes offin one of these sleeps, she does sleep very heavy"--an explanationwhich, if obscure, was accepted by the other as part of the generalstrangeness of the case.

  On the threshold the chemist stopped again. "I'd almost forgotten thering," he said.

  "_I'll_ take that!" said Leander.

  "Excuse me," was the objection, "but I was to give it back to the ladyherself. Had I not better put it on her finger, don't you think?"

  "Are you a married man?" asked Leander, grimly.

  "Yes," said the chemist.

  "Then, if you'll take my advice, I wouldn't if I was you--if you're atall anxious to keep out of trouble. You'd better give the ring to me,and I give you my word of honour as a gentleman that I'll give it backto her as soon as ever she's well enough to ask for it."

  The other adopted the advice, and, amidst the sympathy of thebystanders, they got the statue into the cab.

  "Where to?" asked the man through the trap.

  "Charing Cross," said Leander, at random; he ought the drive would givehim time for reflection.

  "The 'orspital, eh?" said the cabman, and drove off, leaving the mildchemist to stare open-mouthed on the pavement for a moment, and go backto his shop with a growing sense that he had had a very unusualexperience.

  Now that Leander was alone in the cab with the statue, whose attituderequired space, and cramped him uncomfortably, he wondered more and morewhat he was to do with it. He could not afford to drive about London forever with her; he dared not take her home; and he was afraid of beingseen with her!

  All at once he seemed to see a way out of his difficulty. His first stepwas to do what he could, in the constantly varying light, to reduce thestatue to its normal state. He removed the curls which had disfiguredher classical brow, and, with his pocket-handkerchief, rubbed most ofthe colour from her face; then the cloak had only to be torn off, andall that could betray him was gone.

  Near Charing Cross, Leander told the driver to take him down ParliamentStreet, and stop at the entrance to Scotland Yard; there the cabman, atLeander's request, descended, and stared to find him huddled up underthe gleaming pale arms of a statue.

  "Guv'nor," he remarked, "that warn't the fare I took up, I'll take mydying oath!"

  "It's all right," said Leander. "Now, I tell you what I want you to do:go straight in through the archway, find a policeman, and say there's agentleman in your cab that's found a valuable article that's beenmissing, and wants assistance in bringing it in. I'll take care of thecab, and here's double fare for your trouble."

  "And wuth it, too," was the cabman's comment, as he departed on hismission. "I thought it was the devil I was a drivin', we was that downon the orfside!"

  It was no part of Leander's programme to wait for his return; he threwthe cloak over his arm, pocketed his beard, and slipped out of the caband across the road to a spot whence he could watch unseen. And when hehad seen the cabman come with two constables, he felt assured that hisburden was in safe hands at last, and returned to Southampton Row asquickly as the next hansom he hailed could take him.

  He entered his house by the back entrance: it was unguarded; andalthough he listened long at the foot of the stairs, he heard nothing.Had the Inspector not come yet, or was there a trap? As he went on, hefancied there were sounds in his sitting-room, and went up to the doorand listened nervously before entering in.

  "Oh, Miss Collum, my poor dear!" a tremulous voice, which he recognisedas his aunt's, was saying, "for Mercy's sake, don't lie there like that!She's dying!--and it's my fault for letting her come here!--and what amI to say to her ma?"

  Leander had heard enough; he burst in, with a white, horror-strickenface. Yes, it was too true! Matilda was lying back in his crazyarmchair, her eyes fast closed, her lips parted.

  "Aunt," he said with difficulty, "she's not--not _dead_?"

  "If she is not," returned his aunt, "it's no thanks to you, LeandyTweddle! Go away; you can do no good to her now!"

  "Not till I've heard her speak," cried Tweddle. "Tillie, don't youhear?--it's me!"

  To his immense relief, she opened her eyes at the sound of his voice,and turned away with a feeble gesture of fear and avoidance. "You havecome back!" she moaned, "and with her! Oh, keep her away!... I can'tbear it all over again!... I can't!"

  He threw himself down by her chair, and drew down the hands in which shehad hidden her face. "Matilda, my poor, hardly-used darling!" he said,"I've come back _alone_! I've got rid of her, Tillie! I'm free; andthere's no one to stand between us any more!"

  HE THREW HIMSELF DOWN BY HER CHAIR, AND DREW DOWN THEHANDS IN WHICH SHE HAD HIDDEN HER FACE.]

  She pushed back her disordered fair hair, and looked at him with sweet,troubled eyes. "But you went away with her--for ever?" she said. "Yousaid you didn't love me any longer. I heard you ... it was justbefore----" and she shuddered at the recollection.

  "I know," said Leander, soothingly. "I was obligated to speak harsh, todeceive the--the other party, Til
lie. I tried to tell you, quiet-like,that you wasn't to mind; but you wouldn't take no notice. But there, wewon't talk about it any more, so long as you forgive me; and you do,don't you?"

  She hid her face against his shoulder, in answer, from which he drew afavourable conclusion; but Miss Tweddle was not so easily pacified.

  "And is this all the explanation you're going to give," she demanded,"for treating this poor child the way you've done, and neglecting hershameful like this? If she's satisfied, Leandy, I'm not."

  "I can't help it, aunt," he said. "I've been true to Tillie all the waythrough, in spite of all appearances to the contrary--as she knows now.And the more I explained, the less you'd understand about it; so we'llleave things where they are. But I've got back the ring, and now youshall see me put it on her finger."

  * * * * *

  It seemed that Leander had driven to Scotland Yard just in time to savehimself, for the Inspector did not make his threatened search thatevening.

  Two or three days later, however, to Leander's secret alarm, he enteredthe shop. After all, he felt, it was hopeless to think of deceivingthese sleuth-hounds of the Law: this detective had been makinginquiries, and identified him as the man who had shared the hansom withthat statue!

  His knees trembled as he stood behind his glass-topped counter. "Come tomake the search, sir?" he said, as cheerfully as he could. "You'll findus ready for you."

  "Well," said Inspector Bilbow, with a queer mixture of awkwardness andcomplacency, "no, not exactly. Tweddle, my good fellow, circumstanceshave recently assumed a shape that renders a search unnecessary, asperhaps you are aware?"

  He looked very hard at Tweddle as he spoke, and the hairdresser feltthat this was a crucial moment--the detective was still uncertainwhether he had been mixed up with the affair or not. Leander's facultyof ready wit served him better here than on past occasions.

  "Aware? No, sir!" he said, with admirable simplicity. "Then that's whyyou didn't come the other evening! I sat up for you, sir; all night Isat up."

  "The fact of the matter is, Tweddle," said Bilbow, who had becomesuddenly affable and condescending, "I found myself reduced, so tospeak, to make use of you as a false clue, if you catch my meaning?"

  "I can't say I do quite understand, sir."

  "I mean--of course, I saw with half an eye, bless your soul, that you'dhad nothing to do with it--it wasn't likely that a poor chap like youhad any knowledge of a big plant of that description. No, no; don't yougo away with that idea. I never associated you with it for a singleinstant."

  "I'm truly glad to hear it, Mr. Inspector," said Leander.

  "It was owing to the line I took up. There were the real parties to putoff their guard, and to do that, Tweddle--to do that, it was necessaryto appear to suspect you. D'ye see?"

  "I think it was a little hard on me, sir," he said; "for being suspectedlike that hurts a man's feelings, sir. I did feel wounded to have thatcast up against me!"

  "Well, well," said the Inspector, "we'll go into that later. But, to goon with what I was saying. My tactics, Tweddle, have been crowned withsuccess--the famous Venus is now safe in my hands! What do you say tothat?"

  "Say? Why, what clever gentlemen you detective officers are, to besure!" cried Leander.

  "Well, to be candid, there's not many in the Department that would havemanaged the job as neatly; but, then, it was a case I'd gone into, andthoroughly got up."

  "That I'm sure you must have done, sir," agreed Leander. "How ever didyou come on it?" He felt a kind of curiosity to hear the answer.

  "Tweddle," was the solemn reply, "that is a thing you must be content toleave in its native mystery" (which Leander undoubtedly was). "We in theCriminal Investigation Department have our secret channels and ourunderground sources for obtaining information, but to lay those channelsand sources bare to the public would serve no useful end, nor would itbe an expedient act on my part. All you have any claim to be told is,that, however costly and complicated, however dangerous even, the meansemployed may have been (that I say nothing about), the ultimate end hasbeen obtained. The Venus, sir, will be restored to her place in theGallery at Wricklesmarsh Court, without a scratch on her!"

  "You don't say so! Lor!" cried Leander, hoping that his countenancewould keep his secret, "well, there now! And my ring, sir, if youremember--isn't _that_ on her?"

  "You mustn't expect us to do everything. Your ring was, as I had everyreason to expect it would be, missing. But I shall be talking the matterover with Sir Peter Purbecke, who's just come back to Wricklesmarsh fromthe Continent, and, provided--ahem!--you don't go talking about thisaffair, I should feel justified in recommending him to make you somesubstantial acknowledgment for any--well, little inconvenience you mayhave been put to on account of your slight connection with the business,and the steps I may have thought proper to take in consequence. And,from all I hear of Sir Peter, I think he would be inclined to come downuncommonly handsome."

  "Well, Mr. Inspector," said Leander, "all I can say is this: if SirPeter was to know the life his statue has led me for the past few days,I think he'd say I deserved it--I do, indeed!"

  * * * * *

  CONCLUSION.

  The narrow passage off Southampton Row is at present without ahairdresser's establishment, Leander having resigned his shop, longsince, in favour of either a fruiterer or a stationer.

  But, in one of the leading West End thoroughfares there is a large andprosperous hair-cutting saloon, over which the name of "Tweddle"glitters resplendent, and the books of which would prove too much forMatilda, even if more domestic duties had not begun to claim herattention.

  Leander's troubles are at end. Thanks to Sir Peter Purbecke'smunificence, he has made a fresh start; and, so far, Fortune hasprospered him. The devices he has invented for correcting Nature's morepalpable errors in taste are becoming widely known, while he is famous,too, as the gifted author of a series of brilliant and popularhairwashes. He is accustoming his clients to address him as"Professor"--a title which he has actually had conferred upon him from aquarter in which he is, perhaps, the most highly appreciated--forprosperity has not exactly lessened his self-esteem.

  Mr. Jauncy, too, is a married man, although he does not respond soheartily to congratulations. There is no intimacy between the twohouseholds, the heads of which recognise that, as Leander puts it,"their wives harmonise better apart."

  To the new collection of Casts from the Antique, at South Kensington,there has been recently added one which appears in the officialcatalogue under the following description:--

  "_The Cytherean Venus._--Marble statue. Found in a grotto in the Islandof Cerigo. Now in the collection of Sir Peter Purbecke, at WricklesmarshCourt, Black-heath.

  "This noble work has been indifferently assigned to various periods; themost general opinion, however, pronounces it to be a copy of an earlierwork of Alkamenes, or possibly Kephisodotos.

  "The unusual smallness of the extremities seems to betray the hand of arestorer, and there are traces of colour in the original marble, whichare supposed to have been added at a somewhat later period."

  Should Professor Tweddle ever find himself in the Museum on a BankHoliday, and enter the new gallery, he could hardly avoid seeing themagnificent cast numbered 333 in the catalogue, and reviving therebyrecollections he has almost succeeded in suppressing.

  But this is an experience he will probably spare himself; for he isknown to entertain, on principle, very strong prejudices againstsculpture, and more particularly the Antique.

  THE END.