Fatal Attraction

by Mia Ford

  “Maybe we should just ignore it then?” Andre asks me curiously. “Don’t let him get to you.”

  “Hmmm.” That doesn’t feel quite right either. “No, there’s got to be a message in these photographs, some sort of real warning. Maybe…” I scan through them again. “Look, there’s pictures of me at some of the locations I scanned the other day. But not at the business park at the edge of the park. Look. And I was there for ages.”

  “Hmm. That’s true.” Andre nods slowly. “But maybe they got bored of you by then. What were you even doing there anyway? When it was a junkie yard most of the warehouses were abandoned, but now it’s pretty much thriving again. That guy who bought the land has done a really good job of reviving it.”

  I shrug my shoulders, pretty much ignoring him. The idea is forming in my brain that this is exactly where I need to be looking. I scanned the buildings that were suspicious at all, but now I’m thinking that I wasn’t thorough enough. I only gave it a half hearted once over. I need to go back there, maybe even with a search warrant and a team. I mean, I'll have to find a good enough reason to get the funding for that, but this could work.

  “I better be careful as well. Oh, and you better say the same to Landon and the others. Basically, anyone that you’re close to.” My confused eyes snap towards Andre. “We’ve seen this before, if the guys can’t get to you they’ll start targeting other people in your life. They might not, but you should warn people. Just in case.”

  I scan through my brain, flicking through everyone in my rolodex, until all of a sudden, I stop. There’s one face that really sticks in my mind, one person who I really fear might get hurt in all of this. If this guy is going for me, he’s far less likely to go for my friends and co workers than he is someone I’m actually into.

  Cici. I cannot have Kingpin going after Cici. She’s unassuming and unsuspecting. Plus, she’d be easy to get. She’s a school teacher, very easy to find, and also simple to attack too. We haven’t been dating for long enough for that. She’s not even my girlfriend yet, and much as I’d quite like her to be, if there’s potential danger in the air then maybe I should pull back. I should let her go so she can be free. Even if there’s a deep animalistic growl inside of me that desperately wants to hold her and protect her, I have to resist. For her sake. I like her enough to want to keep her away from all of this. She’s definitely too naïve to deal with Kingpin.

  “Hmm, yeah maybe I will,” I reply quietly. “That might be for the best. It’s only just in case anyway.”

  “Yeah, exactly. Just for a short while. We’re getting into this now, we’ll be at the bottom of it soon.”

  “Hmm, sure.” I wish I could be as confident as Andre but I just don’t see it. It doesn’t feel like we’re any nearer than we were when all of this started out. “Thank God my parents don’t like here anymore.”

  “Pfft yeah, that would send your mother into a tailspin. Can you imagine?” I laugh mirthlessly, trying to get in on the joke. He’s only trying to lighten the mood. “So, that’s one benefit. Not that there’s much good about all of this. We need to come up with a plan of action for the next few steps, don’t you think…”

  Andre talks to me but I tune him out and I stare at the pictures once more. With each one, I try to put myself in the place of the photographer, and it’s a miracle that I didn’t see this guy. Was I so wrapped up in my own thing that I wasn’t paying attention? That’s just about the most dangerous thing I could do. The next time it might not be a camera lens facing me, it might be a gun. I have to be much more aware in future. It’s essential.

  ***

  “I’m sorry,” I say guiltily to Cici. “I don’t mean to be this way, but I’m stuck in the office again.”

  “Oh no, I totally understand, I just miss you is all.” She’s so trusting, it makes me feel even worse for lying to her. “I hope that you’re okay, and please call or text me when you get the chance okay?”

  I huff loudly, wishing that I could just demand she come over to be in my arms. I hate sitting on this couch without her. I have to keep reminding myself over and over again this is for her benefit only, not mine. I have to do this. I have to keep her safe. The past week has been a nightmare, photographs are pouring through the door of the police station every single day, and they’re all centered on me. Andre is right too, Kingpin’s started including images of other people in my life too. Other cops, people I see on the street, friends… it’s further proof that I need to keep away from her. I can’t see her in one of the photographs, it’d kill me.

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll call you. I don’t know when I’ll be free though because I’m in the middle of the biggest break through ever with regards to this case. I can’t stop now or it all might fall apart.”

  “No, no, I understand.” Her words are positive but her tone much less so. “I know you’ve been working on it for a while. Years, isn’t it? I don’t want to get in the way if you’re close to solving it. Just, be careful.”

  Her words touch me deep. I’m blowing her off and she’s still being nice to me. It sucks that Kingpin’s ruining the one shot at an actual relationship that I’ve ever had. I hate him even more now. I’m not letting Cici go completely, and she’s not giving me up either, but eventually she’ll get bored. If all of this lasts another year she’ll never stick around and I can’t blame her. Why wouldn’t she want to move on?

  “I will. I’ll… yeah, I’ll be careful.” Urgh, I hate myself. So much. “You look after yourself as well.”

  “Okay, sure, I will.” She sounds sad, maybe even heart broken. “Speak to you soon. Goodbye.”

  I hope the hell my phone hasn’t been tapped. I don’t know how to bring up that she might need to watch her back. That’ll really freak her out I can just see her getting irrationally worried already. I don’t want that for her.

  As I hang up the phone, I fell awful. I don’t usually make a habit of drinking after work but I head straight into the kitchen and I grab myself a tumbler to pour some whiskey into it. I need to dull the pain. I might not have known Cici for long but losing her is agony. I despise pushing her away. I don’t want to think about her sad little face as I reject her once more. She might already be falling onto massive hate with me.

  Once I’ve poured the amber liquid into the glass, I squeeze it so tight that for a moment I fear it might explode and shatter in my hand. I’m just so fucking pissed at everyone. Right now, I hate the damn world.

  “Right,” I mutter to myself to give me a distraction. “Let’s read through these case files. Get something done.”

  At least I haven’t totally lied. I did bring some work home with me. I’ve got everything from the last few years to scan through it all. Now that I’m stuck on this business park, I can’t get it out of my head. I know that the rest of my team don’t see what I do in it, but I can’t let it go. I just hope I’m right. If I’m not, I’m sure they’ll all think I’m crazy. It could damage my reputation completely. But I’m sure I’m right, I’m certain of it.

  The words blur in front of my eyes but I don’t stop reading. I keep trying my hardest to let them soak in so I can forget about Cici, but she doesn’t go anywhere. Her red hair flicks around in the back of my brain, all I can see are her sparkly eyes, I can almost feel her soft skin between my fingers. God damn it, I miss her!

  I grab my cell phone and I stare at her number, wondering how bad it’d be to just have her over once. One time wouldn’t be so bad, would it? I’ve been much more vigilant and I haven’t seen anyone around me. I’m pretty sure I’m alone tonight, so would it be so bad? The temptation itches in my finger tips, I can feel it gnawing. If only I didn’t care about her as much as I do, I would be calling her already, but I do. I care about her too much.

  “Nope… work it is. Just work, that’s all I can think about right now. Work, work, work.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut and I rub my head. I just need to get my eyes to focus, that’s all. So easy. So fucking easy, so why does it
feel so damn hard? Why do I feel like my head’s about to explode off my head?

  Chapter Thirteen – Cici

  I can’t stand the way that Michelle is looking at me, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Mostly because I’m starting to see that maybe she’s right. I got lost in the fantasy, I allowed myself to believe the fairy tale in my mind might actually come true… all because I wanted it to. I’m an idiot, the biggest sucker of them all.

  “Right, well I guess we can go out for drinks.” I give her a weak smile. “I’m not busy after all.”

  Michelle cocks an eyebrow, but thankfully says nothing. I’m sure that won’t last though. She won’t be able to resist the ‘I told you so. I should’ve known, why didn’t I see this coming? I’m so dumb when it comes to men.

  “Good, we can go and get something to eat. Anything you fancy? What about burgers and fries?”

  Fries. Damn it, everything from here on out is going to remind me of Will. It’s going to be really hard to move past this non starting relationship. I wish he’d gotten bored of me sooner before I fell too hard. Then again, it hasn’t been long enough. I only have myself to blame. I should have more common sense.

  “Burgers and fries yes. Wine… actually any alcohol no way.” I clutch my stomach. “I can’t hack it.”

  Even though Michelle doesn’t understand the significance of fries and wine, she nods and agrees. “Sounds good. Let’s get to it, then we can head to The Bar which is just around the corner. Have a good catch up.”

  Urgh, I hate The Bar when I’m sober but there’s no way I’m drinking. All of this has me sick. I’m nauseous, finding it challenging to concentrate, and just generally not myself. I know that I shouldn’t be searching for things I’ve done wrong, this is him not me, but every time I lose control of my brain, that’s where it goes first.

  “Yeah, catch up, sure.” That just means a conversation about me and the mistakes I’ve made. “Good.”

  A moroseness overcomes me as I walk next to Michelle. This is all a big surprise to me. I thought that me and Will were doing really good, I assumed things were just getting better between us. I wasn’t aware that he was about to pull away from me, stripping my heart from my chest and leaving me breathless. In a really bad way.

  By the time we reach the burger place my mood is so low that I should’ve gone right home. I can’t see myself climbing out of this funk any time soon. It isn’t really fair on Michelle, I’m sure she doesn’t want to be stuck with a misery all night long. But I also don’t want her to feel sorry for me. That’s almost as bad as her telling me that she knew this would happen. I can handle a bit of heart ache, other people do it. I’ll be fine.

  “Just the standard?” she asks as we walk inside and the warmth hits us. “I’ll get these for us.”

  I nod and find a booth to sit in, preferably one where we can’t be seen. I can’t imagine Will ever coming here, but the last thing I want is to be unaware and in plain view for him to walk in with another woman on his arm. Now that we’re pulling apart, I’m cynical enough to know that might happen. Maybe not now, maybe not today, but I’m sure there’ll be a time when I will face that scene and I don’t want to crumble when it happens. I can’t be the first woman to fear seeing Will Yoker with another woman, and I guess I won’t be the last.

  I sit in the corner, ducking my head down to hide my face away as I do. I probably look like I’m up to something, like I’m a criminal who’s trying to evade the law. Knowing my luck, I’ll get arrested and I’ll end up locked in a room with Will while he questions me about what I’m up to…

  Oh, for goodness sake, this is ridiculous. I didn’t see Will before, I probably won’t see him again. I need to be calm about the whole situation. Just because he’s ‘busy’ doesn’t mean I can’t be out with my friend. I’ve already hidden away from the world enough for Will, I’ve been silly and sacrificed enough. No more. Not a chance.

  “Right, here we are.” Michelle’s looking much too bright. She’s trying to cheer me up. “Okay?”

  “Yeah, all good, thanks.” I idly stare out the window. “Thank you for dinner, this is nice.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want a drink? I got you a water but the beer here is passable.”

  My tummy curdles, causing me to shake my head. “No, water is good thank you.”

  Michelle rests her hand on top of mine and she gives me a sympathetic look. I brace myself, straightening my spine while I wait for the dreaded lecture. But somehow, it doesn’t quite come. “You’ll be fine, you do know that, don’t you? I know it seems hard now, but you’ll get over it and bounce back. You’ve always been through worse. That’s what I always tell myself anyway, just to remind myself that I’m a strong and confident woman.”

  I smile through the tears that threaten to fall. “Yeah, I know I will. I just haven’t opened up to anyone for a long time, and it was a bit of a shock, that’s all. I should’ve known that it was coming, but I was blind.”

  Michelle rolls her eyes dramatically. “Oh, tell me about it. All my degrees and smarts go out the window as soon as I see a pretty face, it’s hard to resist. But a pretty face doesn’t sustain forever. Hopefully, you’ll get to see karma when it comes back to bite him. There’s nothing worse in the world.”

  Right now, I’m not in the right frame of mind to thick about revenge, I’m still in the place where all I want in the world is to have him in my arms again. But there’s no way I can admit that to Michelle, not when I’m pathetic enough. Instead, I lean in and I joke around with her about all the things that karma might bring when I finally comes around. I’m not necessarily thinking about Will when I talk, it’s all just games, but surprisingly it helps.

  ***

  I clutch the toilet bowl with shaking hands, gasping desperately as I try to get enough air into my lungs. I feel green, my stomach is churning, I can barely see straight, and my head is pounding. This sucks! I hate getting sick. It started a few weeks ago and it’s continually gotten worse ever since. The vomit starts in the morning and it continues on and off throughout the day. Then there’s the dizziness and the constant ache all over. I hate it.

  I stagger upright and I stagger towards the medicine cabinet, needing something to make all of this go away. I don’t know what pills I have, it’s been a while since I last got ill, but I’ve got to have something. Even some aspirin would do right about now. I slam the door open and scrabble around, dropping the useless boxes on the ground to pick up when I’m feeling much better. Right now, I can barely deal at all.

  What the…? All of a sudden, I grab onto something different, an unexpected shape. I pull it free, trying to focus my eyes as I work out what I have. Is it a temperature stick or something? That might be handy right now to see how ill I truly am. Oh… a pregnancy test! I remember when Michelle first brought this. She got a packet of about six after an online date which ended in a night of passion… passion without protection. She came here to do the tests because she didn’t want to be alone when she got the results and I guess she left one behind. She did a fair few just to confirm that it was really negative, but clearly one got neglected.

  I clutch onto it, wondering why I can’t just put it down to search for something useful. It can’t be this, there’s no way this can be what my issue is. Just because I had sex without protection on more than on occasion. But that was just a mistake, an accident because I thought that I was falling for him and I got caught up in the heat of the moment, I didn’t want to end up with a baby in my belly… but shit, what if there is?

  I clutch onto my belly, resisting the urge to puke again. Maybe I should just do the test to put the idea out of my mind. I’m sure it won’t be positive but it’ll always be a small, niggling doubt if I don’t. I should just get it out the way now, then I can continue on with healing myself. I need to get myself better.

  “Urgh, idiot.” I shake my head as I walk over to the toilet. “This isn’t supposed to be me.”

  I’m not supposed to b
e the girl with the broken heart and the pregnancy test, that’s never been what I’m like. Michelle was definitely right about one thing, Will Yoker gave me a mushy brain. It’s ridiculous.

  As I pee on the stick, my heart races against my chest. I keep thinking about other things, trying to play it off in my mind so I won’t end up in a tight knot of panic, but it’s challenging to concentrate on anything else. Will and this potential baby is all of me. It’s coiling through my body like a nasty snake.

  Once it’s done, I click the cap on and I wait. I pace the tiny bathroom, walking up and down as if I’m on some conference call discussing international business. It’s just one minute, not long at all. Sixty seconds to wait before I find out if my life is about to change forever. Just a little bit of time before I get my answer.

  For a moment, I try to imagine what life with a baby would be like. It’s nothing I’ve ever considered before. Maybe in a very distant way, something to consider for the future, but never now. I’m not old enough to be a mother. Obviously, I am, biologically speaking, and I know how to deal with kids because I’m around them all the time, but I don’t know if I’m ready to have a whole human relying only on me for life. That’s a responsibility that makes me incredibly nervous. It’s horrible. I don’t know if I have what it takes to do it.