Myth Directions

by Robert Asprin

  "Bullshit!" Aahz roared, slapping his hand down on the table hard enough to make the chairs jump. "I tell you she didn't steal the damn Trophy!"

  I collected my shattered nerves and turned my attention to the conversation once more.

  "Oh, come now, Aahz," Quigley grimaced. "I traveled with Tanda long enough to know she's not above stealing something that caught her eye--nor are you two, I'd imagine."

  "True enough," Aahz admitted easily, "but you can bet your last baseball card that if any of us went after your Trophy, we wouldn't be caught afterward."

  "My last what?" Quigley frowned. "Oh, no matter. Look, even if I believed you I couldn't do anything. What's important is the council believes Tanda was involved, and they wouldn't even consider releasing her unless they got the Trophy back first."

  "Oh, yeah?" Aahz smiled, showing all his teeth.

  "How many council members are there and how are they guarded?"

  "Aahz!" Quigley said sternly. "If anything happened to the council, I'm afraid I'd see it as a threat to my job and therefore a direct violation of Master Skeeve's promise."

  My mentor leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. The heavy metal wine goblet in his hand crumpled suddenly, but aside from that there was no outward display of his feelings.

  "Um...Quigley?" I ventured cautiously. I still had a vivid image in my mind of my tongue in Aahz's grasp instead of the wine goblet.

  "Yes, lad?" Quigley asked, cocking an eyebrow at me.

  "What did you say would happen if the Trophy were returned?"

  Aahz's head swiveled around slowly until our gazes met, but his gold speckled eyes were thoughtful now.

  "Well, I didn't say, actually," Quigley grumphed, "but that would change everything. With the Trophy back, the council would be ecstatic and definitely better disposed toward Tanda...Yes, if the Trophy were returned, I think I could find an excuse to release her."

  "Is that a promise?"

  I may be ignorant, but I'm a fast learner.

  Quigley studied me for a moment before answering. "Very well," he said at last. "Why do you ask?"

  I shot a glance at Aahz. One eyelid slowly closed in a wink, then he went back to studying the ceiling.

  "Because," I announced, relief flooding over me, "I think I've come up with a way we can free Tanda, protect your job, and stop the war in one fell swoop."

  Chapter Eleven

  "What do you mean, You've got a little job for me!"

  -Hercules

  "STEAL the Trophy back from Veygus. Just like that," Aahz grumbled for the hundredth time.

  "We're doomed," Griffin prophesied grimly.

  "Shut up. Griffin," I snarled.

  It occurred to me I was picking up a lot of Aahz's bad habits lately.

  "But I keep telling you, I don't know Veygus," the youth protested. "I won't be any help at all. Please, can't I go back to Ta-hoe?"

  "Just keep walking," I sighed.

  "Face it, son," Aahz smiled, draping a casual arm over our guide's shoulder. "We aren't going to let you out of our sight until this job's over. The sooner we get to Veygus, the sooner you'll be rid of us."

  "But why?" Griffin whined.

  "We've gone over this before," my mentor sighed. "This heist is going to be rough enough without Veygus hearing about it in advance. Now the only way we can be sure you don't tell anyone is to keep you with us. Besides, you're our passport through the Ta-hoe patrols if we meet any."

  "The patrols are easy to avoid," the youth insisted. "And I won't tell anyone about your mission, honest. Isn't there any way I can get you to trust me?"

  "Well," Aahz drawled judiciously, "I guess there is one thing that might do the trick."

  "Really?" our guide asked hopefully.

  "What da ya think, Skeeve?" my mentor called. "Do you feel up to turning our friend here into a rock or a tree or something until the job's over?"

  "A rock or a tree?" the youth gulped, wide-eyed.

  "Sure," Aahz shrugged. "I wouldn't have suggested it myself. There's always a problem finding the right rock or tree to change back. Sometimes it takes years of searching. Sometimes the magician just gives up."

  "Can't you guys walk any faster?" Griffin challenged, quickening his pace. "We'll never get to Veygus at this rate."

  "I guess that settles that," I smiled, winking at Aahz to show I appreciated his bluff.

  "Steal the Trophy from Veygus," my mentor replied, picking up his witty repartee where he had left it. "Just like that."

  So much for changing the subject.

  "C'mon Aahz, give me a break." I defended glibly. "You agreed to this before I proposed it."

  "I didn't say anything," he argued.

  "You winked," I insisted.

  "How do you know I didn't just get something in my eye? "he countered.

  "I don't," I admitted. "Did you?"

  "No," he sighed. "I winked. But only because it looked like the only way out of the situation you got us into."

  He had me there.

  "How we got into this spot is beside the point," I decided. "The real question is how are we going to steal the Trophy."

  "I see," Aahz grunted. "When you get us into trouble, it's beside the point."

  "The Trophy," I prompted.

  "Well..." my mentor began slowly, rising to the bait. "We won't be able to make any firm plans until we see the layout and size up the guards. How 'bout it. Griffin? What are we liable to be up against? How good are these Veygans?"

  "The Veygans?" our guide grimaced. "I wouldn't worry about them if I were you. They couldn't guard a pea if they swallowed it."

  "Really inept, uh?" Aahz murmured, cocking an eyebrow.

  "Inept? They're a joke," Griffin laughed. "There isn't a Veygan alive who knows how to spell strategy, much less use it."

  "I thought you said you didn't know anything about Veygus," I commented suspiciously.

  "Well...I don't actually," the youth admitted, "but I've seen their team play in the Big Game, and if that's the best they can muster..."

  "You mean everything you've been saying was speculation based on the way their team plays?" Aahz interrupted.

  "That's right," Griffin nodded.

  "The same team that's been beating the pants off Ta-hoe for the last five years?"

  Our guide's head came up as if he had just been slapped. "We won this year!" he declared fiercely.

  "Whereupon they turned around and stole the Trophy right out from under your noses," my mentor pointed out. "It sounds to me like they may not be as inept as you'd like to think they are."

  "They get lucky once in a while," Griffin muttered darkly.

  "You might want to think it through a bit," I advised. "I mean, do you really want to go around claiming your team was beaten by a weak opponent? If Ta-hoe is so good and Veygus is so feeble, how do you explain five losses in a row? Luck isn't enough to swing the Game that much."

  "We got overconfident," our guide confided. "It's a constant danger you have to guard against when you' re as good as we are."

  "I know what you mean," Aahz nodded. "My partner and I have the same problem."

  Well, modesty has never been Aahz's strong suit. Still it was nice to hear him include me in his brash statements. It made me feel like my studies were finally bearing fruit, like I was making progress.

  "Aside from the military, what are we up against?" my mentor asked. "How about the magik you keep mentioning? Do they have a magician?"

  "They sure do," Griffin nodded vigorously. "Her name's Massha. If you have any troubles at all, it will be with her. She's mean."

  "Is that 'mean' in abilities, or in temperament?" Aahz cross-examined.

  "Both," our guide asserted firmly. "You know, I've never been totally convinced our magician is as good as he claims to be, but Massha's a real whiz. I couldn't even start to count the fantastic things I've seen her do."

  "Um...what makes you think her temperament is mean?" I asked casually, trying to h
ide my sagging confidence.

  "Well, let me put it this way," Griffin explained. "If there was a messy job to be done, and you could think of three ways to do it, she'd find a fourth way that was nastier than the other three ways combined.

  She has a real genius for unpleasantness."

  "Terrific," I grimaced.

  "How's that again?" our guide frowned.

  "Skeeve here always likes a challenge," Aahz explained hastily, draping a friendly arm around my shoulders.

  I caught the warning, even without him digging his talons in until they nearly drew blood. He did it anyway, making it a real effort to smile.

  "That's right," I laughed to hide my gasp. "We've handled heavyweights before."

  Which was true. What I neglected to mention and tried hard not to think about was that we survived the encounters by a blend of blind luck and bald-faced deceit.

  "Good," Griffin beamed. "Even if you don't manage to steal the Trophy, if you can take Massha out of action, Ta-hoe can win the war easily."

  "You know. Griffin," Aahz commented, cocking an eyebrow, "for someone who doesn't know Veygus, you seem to know an awful lot about their magician."

  "I sure do," our guide laughed bitterly. "She used to be Ta-hoe's magician until Veygus hired her away. I used to run errands for her and..." He suddenly stopped in mid-stride and mid-sentence simultaneously. "Hey! That's right," he exclaimed. "I can't go along with you if you're going to see Massha. She knows me! If the Veygans find out I'm from Ta-hoe, they'll think I'm a scout. I'd get torn apart."

  "Don't worry," I soothed, "we aren't going anywhere near Massha."

  "Yes, we are," Aahz corrected.

  "We are? "I blinked.

  "Kid, do I have to explain it to you all over again? We've got to check out the local magikal talent, the same as we did when we hit Ta-hoe."

  "And look where that got us?" I muttered darkly.

  "Look where who got us?" Aahz asked innocently. "I didn't quite hear that."

  "All right! All right!" I surrendered. "We'll go see Massha. I guess I'll just have to whip up a disguise for Griffin so he won't be spotted."

  "She'll recognize my voice," our guide protested.

  "Don't talk!" I ordered, without clarifying if it was an immediate or future instruction.

  "This time, I think he's right," Aahz interrupted thoughtfully. "It would probably be wisest to leave Griffin behind for this venture."

  "It would?" I blinked.

  "Hey! Wait a minute," Griffin interjected nervously. "I don't want to be a rock or a stone."

  "Oh, I'm sure we can work out something a bit less drastic," my mentor smiled reassuringly. "Excuse us for a moment while we confer."

  I thought Aahz was going to pull me aside for a private conversation, but instead he simply slipped off his translator pendant. After a bit of browbeating, Quigley had supplied us with an extra, so now we each had one. Removing them allowed us to converse without fear of being overheard, while at the same time keeping Griffin within arm's length. I followed suit and removed mine.

  "What gives, Aahz?" I asked as soon as I was free of the pendant. "Why the change in plans?"

  "The job's getting a little too complex," he explained. "It's time we started reducing our variables."

  "Our what? "I puzzled.

  "Look!" Aahz gritted. "We're going to have our hands full trying to elude the military and this Massha gal without trying to keep an eye on Griffin, too. He can't be any great help to us, and if he isn't a help, he's a hindrance."

  "He shouldn't be too much trouble," I protested.

  "Any trouble will be too much trouble," my mentor corrected firmly. "So far, he's an innocent bystander we've dragged into this. That means if we take him into Veygus, we should be confident we can bring him out again. Now, are you that confident? Or don't you mind the thought of leaving him stranded in a hostile town?"

  Aahz doesn't give humanitarian arguments often, but when he does, they always make sense.

  "Okay," I sighed. "But what do we do with him? You know I can't turn him into a rock or a tree. Not that I would if I could."

  "That's easy," Aahz shrugged. "You put a sleep spell on him. That should keep him out of mischief until we get back here."

  "Aahz," I said gently, closing my eyes. "I don't know how to cast a sleep spell. Remember?"

  "That's no problem," my mentor winked. "I'll teach you."

  "Right now?" I questioned incredulously.

  "Sure. Didn't you hear Quigley? It's easy," Aahz declared confidently. "Of course, you realize it isn't really a 'sleep' spell. It's more like suspended animation."

  "Like what? "I blinked.

  "It's a magikal slowing of the body's metabolism," he clarified helpfully. "If it were sleep as you perceive it, then you'd run into problems of dehydration and..."

  "Aahz!" I interrupted, holding up a hand. "Is the spell easier than the explanation?"

  "Well, yes," he admitted. "But I thought you'd like to know."

  "Then just teach me the spell. Okay?"

  Chapter Twelve

  "Out of the frying pan, into derfire."

  -The Swedish Chef

  FORTUNATELY, the sleep spell was as easy to learn as Aahz had promised, and we left Griffin snoozing peacefully in a patch of weeds along the road.

  We took the precaution of circling Veygus to enter the city from a direction other than Ta-hoe. As it turned out it was a pointless exercise. Everyone in Veygus was too busy with their own business to even notice us, much less which direction we were coming from.

  "This is really great!" Aahz chortled, looking about the streets as we walked. "I could develop a real fondness for this dimension."

  The war activities in Veygus were the same as we had witnessed in Ta-hoe, except the souvenirs were being made in red and white instead of blue and gold. I was starting to wonder if anyone was ever going to get around to actually fighting the war, or if they were all too busy making money.

  "Look at that, Aahz!" I exclaimed, pointing.

  There was a small crowd gathered, listening to a noisy orator. From what I could hear, their complaint was the same one we heard back in Ta-hoe: that the government's withholding information about the war was hampering the odds-makers.

  "Yeah. So?" my mentor shrugged.

  "I wonder if they're bookies, too," I speculated.

  "There's one way to find out," Aahz offered.

  Before I could reply, he had sauntered over to someone at the back of the crowd and engaged him in an animated conversation. There was nothing for me to do but wait...and worry.

  "Good news, kid," he beamed, rejoining me at last.

  "Tell me," I pressed. "I could use some good news right about now."

  "They're giving three-to-one odds against Ta-hoe in the upcoming war."

  It took me a moment to realize that was the extent of his information. "That's it?" I frowned. "That's your good news? It sounds to me like we've badly underestimated Veygus's military strength."

  "Relax, kid," Aahz soothed. "Those are the same odds they're offering in Ta-hoe against Veygus. Local bookies always have to weight the odds in favor of the home team. Otherwise no one will bet against them."

  Puzzled, I shook my head. "Okay, so they're actually evenly matched," I shrugged. "I still don't see how that's good news for us."

  "Don't you see?" my mentor urged. "That means the bookies are operating independently instead of as a combine. If we play our cards right, we could show a hefty profit from this mess."

  Even though annoyed that Aahz could be thinking of money at a time like this, I was nonetheless intrigued with his logic. I mean, after all, he did train me.

  "By betting?" I asked. "How would we know which side to bet for?"

  "Not 'bet for,' bet against," Aahz explained. "And we'd bet equal amounts against both sides."

  I thought about this a few moments, nodding knowingly all the while, then gave up. "I don't get it," I admitted. "Betting the same amount for--exc
use me, against--both sides, all we do is break even."

  Aahz rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Think it through, kid," he insisted. "At three-to-one odds we can't do anything but win. Say we bet a thousand against each team. If Ta-hoe wins, then we pay a thousand in Ta-hoe and collect three thousand in Veygus, for a net profit of two thousand. If Veygus wins, we reverse the process and still come out two thousand ahead."

  "That's not a bad plan," I said judiciously, "but I can see three things wrong with it. First, we don't have a thousand with us to bet..."

  "We could hop back to Klah and get it," Aahz countered.

  "Second, we don't have the time..."

  "It wouldn't take that long," my mentor protested.

  "Third, if our mission's successful, there won't be a war."

  Aahz's mouth was open for a response, and that's where it stayed--open, and blissfully noiseless as he thought about my argument.

  "Got you there, didn't I, Aahz?" I grinned.

  "I wonder what the odds are that there won't be a war," he mused, casting a wistful eye at the crowd of bookies.

  "C'mon, Aahz," I sighed, tugging bravely at his arm, "we've got a heist to scout."

  "First," he corrected firmly, "we have to check out this Massha character."

  I had hoped he had forgotten, but then, this adventure was not being typified by its phenomenally good luck.

  We picked our way across Veygus, occasionally stopping people to ask directions, and arrived at last outside the dwelling of the town magician. It was an unimposing structure, barely inside the eastern limits of the city, and exuded an intriguing array of aromas.

  "Not much of a hangout for a powerful magician, eh, Aahz?" I commented, trying to bolster my sagging courage.

  "Remember where you were living when we first met?" my mentor retorted, never taking his eyes from the building.

  I did. The one-room clapboard shack where I had first studied magik with Garkin made this place look like a veritable palace.

  "What I can't figure out is why Massha settled for this place," Aahz continued, talking as much to himself as to me. "If what Griffin said is true, she could have had any place in town to work from. Tell you what, kid. Check for force lines, will you?"