Myth Directions

by Robert Asprin

  I obediently closed my eyes and stretched out my mind, searching for those invisible currents of magikal power which those in the profession tap for their own use. I didn't have to look hard.

  "Aahz!" I gasped. "There are four...no, five...force lines intersecting here. Three in the air and two in the ground."

  "I thought so," my mentor nodded grimly. "This location wasn't chosen by accident. She's got power to spare, if she knows how to use it."

  "But what can we do if she's that powerful?" I moaned.

  "Relax, kid," Aahz smiled. "Remember, the power's there for anyone to use. You can tap into it as easily as she can."

  "That's right," I said, relaxing slightly, but not much. "Okay, what's our plan?"

  "I don't really know," he admitted, heading for the door. "We'll just have to play this by ear."

  Somehow that phrase rang a bell in my memory. "Say--urn--Aahz," I stammered. "Remembering how things went back in Ta-hoe, this time let's play it by your ear. Okay?"

  "You took the words right out of my mouth," Aahz grinned. "Just remember to check her aura as soon as we get inside. It'll help to know if she's local or if we're dealing with imported help."

  So saying, he raised his hand and began rapping on the door. I say "began" because between the second and third rap, the door flew open with alarming speed.

  "What do you...well, hel-lo there, boys."

  "Are...um...are you Massha, the magician?" Aahz stammered, both taken aback and stepping back.

  "Can you imagine anyone else fitting the description?" came the throaty chuckle in response.

  She was right. I had not seen anyone in Jahk--heck, in several dimensions--who looked anything like the figure framed in the open door. Massha was immense, in girth if not in height. She filled the doorway to overflowing--and it wasn't that narrow a door. Still, size alone doth not a pageant make. Massha might have been overlooked as just another large woman were it not for her garments.

  Purple and green warred with each other across her tent-like dress, and her bright orange hair draped across one shoulder in dirty strings did nothing toward encouraging an early settlement. And jewelry! Massha was wearing enough in the way of earrings, rings and necklaces to open her own store. She wasn't a sample case, she was the entire inventory!

  Her face was nothing to write home about--unless you're really into depressing letters. Bad teeth were framed by fleshy chapped lips, and her pig-like eyes peering from the depths of her numerous smile wrinkles were difficult to distinguish from her other skin blemishes.

  I've seen some distinctive looking women in my travels, but Massha took the cake, platter, and tablecloth.

  "Did you boys just come to stare?" the apparition asked, "or can I do something for you?"

  "We...um...we need help," Aahz managed.

  I wasn't sure if he was talking about our mission or our immediate situation, but either way I agreed with him wholeheartedly.

  "Well, you came to the right place," Massha leered. "Step into my parlor and we'll discuss what I've got that you want--and vice-versa."

  Aahz followed her into the building, leaving me no choice but to trail along. He surprised me, though, by dropping back slightly to seek my advice.

  "What's the word, kid?" he hissed.

  "How about 'repulsive'?" I suggested.

  That earned me another dig in the ribs.

  "I meant about her aura. What's the matter, did you forget?"

  As a matter of fact, I had. Now that I had been so forcefully reminded, though, I hurriedly checked for magikal emanations.

  "She's got--no, wait a minute," I corrected. "It isn't her, it's her jewelry. It's magikal, but she isn't."

  "I thought so," Aahz nodded. "Okay. Now we know what we're dealing with."

  "We do? "I asked.

  "She's a mechanic," my mentor explained hurriedly. "Gimmick magik with her jewelry. Totally different than the stuff I've been teaching you."

  "You mean you think I could beat her in a fair fight?"

  "I didn't say that," he corrected. "It all depends on what kind of jewelry she's got--and from what we've seen so far, she's got a lot."

  "Oh," I sagged. "What are we going to do?"

  "Don't worry, kid," Aahz winked. "Fair fights have never been my specialty. As long as she doesn't know you're a magician, we've got a big advantage."

  Any further questions I might have had were forgotten as we arrived at our destination. Having just left Quigley's dwelling, I was unprepared for what Massha used for an office.

  To say it was a bedroom would be an understatement. It was the gaudiest collection of tassels, pillows, and erotic statues I had seen this side of the Bazaar at Deva. Colors screamed and clawed at each other, making me wonder if Massha were actually colorblind. As fast as the thought occurred to me, I discarded it. No one could select so many clashing colors by sheer chance.

  "Sit down, boys," Massha smiled, sinking onto the parade-ground-sized bed. "Take off your things and we'll get started."

  My life flashed before my eyes. While I had secretly dreamed of a career as a ladies' man, I had never envisioned it starting like this! If I had, I might have become a monk.

  Even Aahz, with his vast experience, seemed at a loss. "Well, actually," he protested. "We don't have much time..."

  "You misunderstand me." Massha waved, fanning the air with a massive hand. "What I meant was, take off your disguises."

  "Our disguises?" I blurted, swallowing hard.

  In reply, she held aloft her left hand, the index finger extended for us to see. The third--no, it was the fourth--ring was blinking a brilliant purple.

  "This little toy says you're not only magicians, you're disguised," she grinned. "Now, I'm as sociable as the next person but I like to see who I'm doing business with. In fact, I insist!"

  As she spoke, the door behind us slammed shut and locked with an audible click.

  So much for our big advantage.

  Chapter Thirteen

  "If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, baffle them with bullshit!"

  -Prof. H. Hill

  THERE was a long silent moment of frozen immobility. Then Aahz turned to me with an exaggerated shrug.

  "Well," he sighed, "I guess she's got us dead to rights. There's no arguing with technology, you know. It never makes mistakes."

  I almost missed his wink, and even then I was slow to realize what he was up to.

  "With your permission, dear lady..." Making a half bow at Massha, he began making a series of graceful passes with his hand in the air in front of him.

  It was all very puzzling. Aahz had lost all his magikal powers back when...Then it hit me. Massha thought we were both magicians! Aahz was trying to maintain the illusion and could very well pull it off--if I got busy and backed his move.

  As inconspicuously as possible, I closed my eyes and got to work stripping away his disguise.

  "A Pervert!" Massha crowed in tribute to my efforts. "Well, whatdaya know. Thought you walked funny for a Jahk."

  "Actually," Aahz corrected smoothly, "as a native of Perv I prefer to be called a 'Pervect.' "

  "I don't care what ya call yerself," she winked lewdly, "I'm more interested in how ya act."

  I was just beginning to enjoy my mentor's discomfort when Massha turned her attentions on me.

  "How 'bout you, sport?" she pressed. "You don't say much, let's see what yer hiding."

  I resisted an impulse to clutch wildly at my clothes, and instead set about restoring my normal appearance.

  "A Klahd--and a young one at that," Massha proclaimed, cocking her head as she examined me. "Well, no matter, by the time old Massha's through with you...say!"

  Her eyes suddenly opened wide and her gaze darted to Aahz, then back to me.

  "A Klahd traveling with a Pervert...your name wouldn't be Skeeve, would it?"

  "You've heard of me?" I blinked, both startled and flattered.

  "Heard of you?" she laughed. "The last time I dropped into
the Bazaar, that's all anyone was talking about."

  "Really? What were they saying?" I urged.

  "Well, the word is that you put together a team of six and used 'em to stop a whole army. It's the most effective use of manpower anyone's pulled off in centuries."

  "It was actually eight, if you include Gleep and Berfert," I admitted modestly.

  "Who? "She frowned.

  "A dragon and a salamander," I explained. "It was such a successful venture I'd like to be sure everyone involved gets some credit."

  "That's decent of you," Massha nodded approvingly. "Most folks I know in the trade try to hog all the glory when their plans work and only mention the help if they need someone to blame for failure."

  "If you know Skeeve, here," Aahz smiled, elbowing his way into the conversation, "then surely you know who I am."

  "As a matter of fact, I don't," Massha shrugged. "I heard there was a loudmouthed Pervert along, but no one mentioned his name."

  "Oh, really?" Aahz asked, showing a suspicious number of teeth. "A loudmouthed Pervert, eh? And just who did you hear that from?"

  "Um...in that case," I interrupted hastily, "allow me to introduce my friend and colleague,

  Aahz."

  "Aahz?" Massha repeated, raising an eyebrow. "As in..."

  "No relation," Aahz assured her.

  "Oh," she nodded.

  "Mind if I have some wine?" my mentor asked, gesturing grandly at the wine pitcher on a nearby table. "It's been a long dry trip."

  This time I was ready, and covertly levitated the pitcher into his waiting hand. The thought of embarrassing him by leaving the wine where it was never entered my mind. We were still in a tight spot, and anything we could do to keep Massha off balance was a good gambit.

  "So, what are a pair of big leaguers like you doing in Jahk?" Massha asked, leaning back into her silken pillows. "You boys wouldn't be after my job, would you?"

  It occurred to me that all the employed magicians I was meeting shared a common paranoia about losing their jobs.

  "I assure you," Aahz interjected quickly, "taking your job away from you is the furthest thing from our minds. If nothing else, we couldn't pass the physical."

  I almost asked "The physical what?" but restrained myself. Verbal banter was Aahz's forte, and for the time being my job was to give him room to operate.

  "Flattery will get you everywhere," Massha chuckled appreciatively, "except around a direct question--and you haven't answered mine. If you aren't looking for work, what are you doing here?"

  That was a good question, and thankfully Aahz had an answer ready.

  "We're just on a little vacation," he lied, "and dropped by Jahk to try to make some of our money back in the gambling set."

  "Gambling?" Massha frowned. "But the Big Game is over."

  "The Big Game," Aahz snorted. "I'll level with you. We don't know enough about spectator sports to bet on 'em, but we do know wars--and we hear there's one brewing. I figure if we can't bet more intelligently than a bunch of yokels who haven't seen a war in five hundred years, we deserve to lose our money."

  "That explains what you're doing in Jahk," Massha nodded thoughtfully, "but it doesn't say what you're doing here--'in my office' here. What can I do for you you can't do for yourselves?"

  "I could give you a really suggestive answer," Aahz smirked, "but the truth is, we're looking for information. From where we sit, magik could swing the balance one way or the other in this war. What we'd like is a little inside information as to how much of a hand you expect to have in the proceedings, and if you expect any trouble with the opposition."

  "The opposition? You mean Ta-hoe's magician?"

  She threw back her head and laughed, "I guarantee you, boys, I can handle...what's his name...Quigley...with one hand. That is, of course, providing that one hand is armed with a few of my toys."

  She wiggled her fingers to illustrate her point and the ring colors glittered and danced like a malevolent rainbow."

  "That's fine for the war," Aahz nodded. "But how about here in town? What's to keep Ta-hoe from stealing the Trophy back before the war?"

  "Oh, I've got a few gizmos over at the Trophy Building that'll fry anyone who tries to heist it--especially if they try to use magik. Any one of 'em alone is fallible, but the way I've got 'em set, disarming one means setting off another. Nobody's taking that Trophy anywhere without my clearing it."

  "Sounds good," my mentor smiled, though I noticed it was a little forced. "As long as you have total control on the Trophy's security, it isn't likely anything will go wrong."

  "Not total control," Massha corrected. "The army's responsible for it when it's on parade."

  "Parade?" I blurted. "What parade?"

  "I know it's dumb," she grimaced. "That's why I refuse any responsibility for it. In fact, I had it written into my contract. I don't give demonstrations and I don't do parades."

  "What parade?" Aahz repeated.

  "Oh, once a day they carry the Trophy through the streets to keep the citizens fired up. You'd think they'd get tired of it, but so far everyone goes screaming bonkers every time it comes in view."

  "I assume it has a military escort," Aahz commented.

  "Are you kidding? Half the army tags along when it does the rounds. They spend more time escorting that Trophy around than they do drilling for the war."

  "I see," my mentor murmured. "Well, I guess that tells us what we need to know. We should be on our way."

  Before he could move, Massha was at the end of the bed, clasping his leg. "What's the hurry?" she purred. "Doesn't Massha get a little something in return for her information?"

  "As a matter of fact," Aahz said, struggling to extract his leg, "there is something that might be valuable to you."

  "I know there is," Massha smiled, pulling herself closer to him.

  "Did you know that Quigley has summoned up a demon to help him?"

  "He what?"

  Massha released her hold on Aahz's leg to sit bolt upright.

  "That's right," Aahz nodded, moving smoothly out of reach. "From what we hear, he's holding it captive in his workshop. I can't imagine any reason for his doing that unless he plans to use it in the war."

  "A demon, eh?" Massha muttered softly, staring absently at the far wall. "Well, well, whatdaya know. I didn't think Quigley had it in him. I don't suppose you've heard anything about its powers?"

  "Nothing specific," Aahz admitted, "but I don't think he'd summon anything weaker than he is."

  "That's true," Massha nodded. "Well, I should be able to handle them both."

  I recognized her tone of voice. It was the way I sound when I'm trying to convince myself I'm up to handling one of Aahz's plans.

  "Say, Massha," my mentor explained, as if a thought had just struck him. "I know we're supposed to be on vacation, but maybe we can give you a hand here."

  "Would you?" she asked eagerly.

  "Well, it's really in our own best interest if we're betting money on the war," he smiled. "Otherwise we wouldn't get involved. As it is, though, I think we can get the demon away from Quigley, or at least neutralize it so it won't help him at all."

  "You'd do that for me? As a favor?" Massha blinked.

  "Sure," Aahz waved. "Just don't be surprised at anything we do and whatever you do, don't try to counter any of our moves. I won't make any guarantees, but I think we can pull it off. If we do, just remember you owe us a favor someday."

  Anyone who knew Aahz would have been immediately suspicious if he offered to do anything as a favor. Fortunately, Massha didn't know Aahz, and she seemed both solicitous and grateful as she waved goodbye to us at the door.

  "Well, kid," Aahz grinned, slapping me on the back. "Not bad for an afternoon's work, if I do say so myself. Not only did we scout the opposition, we neutralized it. Big bad Massha won't move against us no matter what we do, for fear of disrupting our plans against Quigley."

  As I had restored our disguises before we emerged onto the str
eet, Aahz's back slap didn't arrive on my back--and it hit me with more force than I'm sure he intended. All in all, it did nothing to improve my already black mood.

  "Sure, Aahz," I growled. "Except for one little detail."

  "What's that?"

  "We can't steal Tanda away from Quigley because he'd lose his job and we promised we wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his position. Remember?"

  "Skeeve, Skeeve," my mentor chuckled, shaking his head. "I haven't overlooked anything. You're the one who hasn't thought things through."

  "Okay," I snapped. "So I'm slow! Explain it to me."

  "Well, first of all, as I just mentioned, we don't have to worry about Massha for a while."

  "But--" I began, but he cut me off.

  "Second of all," he continued, "I said 'free or neutralize.' Now, we already know Quigley isn't about to use Tanda in the war, so Massha's going to owe us a favor whether we do anything or not."

  "But we're supposed to be rescuing Tanda," I protested, "and that means stealing the Trophy."

  "Right!" Aahz beamed. "I'm glad you finally caught on."

  "Huh?" I said intelligently.

  "You haven't caught on," my mentor sighed. "Look, kid. The mission's still on. We're going to steal the Trophy."

  "But I can't bypass Massha's traps at the Trophy Building."

  "Of course not," Aahz agreed. "That's why we're going to steal it from the parade."

  "The parade?" I blinked. "In broad daylight with half the army and the whole town watching?"

  "Of course," Aahz shrugged. "It's the perfect situation."

  It occurred to me that either my concept of a perfect situation was way out of line, or my mentor had finally lost his mind!

  Chapter Fourteen

  "As any magician will tell you--Myth Directions is the secret of a successful steal."

  -D. Hemming

  "DON'T you see, kid? The reason it's a perfect situation is that everyone's sure it can't be stolen!"

  It was the same answer Aahz had given the last ten times I asked, so I gave him my usual rebuttal.